Day 53
So I can say I am that kind of a person who likes to grind. As I start one activity I usually tend to stick and concentrate 100% on it. Sometimes I push to hard and relapse. I was thinking drinking helps me to relax and take a breaks, but that only makes things worse.
There are still things to learn.
It’s hard for me to shift gears on dailies and take breaks. On the other hand I feel good when I am on the rythm. I remember when I was searching for Hope when on 4 years of Depression, Panic Attacks and Dp/Dr - feeling detached occured after constantly having panic attacks [ shortly saying \ not diving deep] let’s call it Higher Power saved me. And I got direct answers on what I need to do. I was asked on what I like to do? I said running - well run more, do that more. I like drums and it clicked that I need rythm in my life, as like with running, I am kind of active meditation needer. There was few more important things on top of that. I worked at nights and my biorythms was a mess. Also informational overload and overthinking. My mind was on top gear overthinking, while the body was on handbrake 
Also cold shower is a good reset’er 
So I started to take cold shower every day in the morning and run a lot. I shut down all Tv’s / Computer’s / Books / even Music! Think about how much impact it does to our subconscious mind. What goes in - stays.
I started to feel some emotional shifts after about a month. I was journaling my emotions and my activities - rating it, how it makes me feel.
I was always in that - I do not feel ANYTHING! I feel BAD!! I feel PAIN! But my journal was not lying to me. It was BLACK on white written.
6/10 7/10 8/10 10/10
I started to feel something, little warmth and joy. Not much, sometimes it was like 1 hour of light per day and then suffering for the rest 23 hours. But I grabbed that 1 hour and climbed. It was hard. I remember taking cold shower and not feeling anything. Running but not feeling any joy just a feeling like whole tons of bricks falling down on me and that sneaking panic attack. But I knew that things started to shift and I kept running with hope. In total Darkness… Sometimes even crying. Feeling detached and with no emotions at all. But I kept believing.
And that one hour changed into two hours, three, half of a day and kept growing. Then I even finished my first Half Marathon! Sometimes I felt bad again for day or two or even a week. It was long fight, tooked years to fully recover. It’s been more than 10 years now. I feel Blessed 
Maybe I still have some slight symptoms time to time, but that’s normal, everyone has up’s and downs. Actually coming from a darkness like that, you start to see light differently, everything changed. You take life as a gift. I am so thankful for this chance to change. I always listened to my Higher power and I am still listening - Every Day! 
I am trying to do my best. I do struggle a lot and I feel sorry, but I also learning not to push too hard. That often leads me to relapse. I am still learning and listening.
I remember I tried to help others. I then registered to Panic Attacks and Dp/Dr group. Tried to give some advices on what helped to me.
But I was wrong. Perhaps everyone is different in a way. For me it was keeping the rythm and other things. For others it might be whole different story.
But the main thing here is to listen for the Higher Power and keep believing.
HOPE
), work out, gardening, studying something new, etc.
and even didn’t need a painkiller 
