I have self harmed since i was a child… about 20 years. It was my first addiction. And I still struggle with it! To me it’s more about the addiction itself than what the addiction is.
I hope you feel better soon hun
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Evening of day 17 sober
Today was a very non active day
It was good to rest though
I woke up full of energy and in a good mood. There just wasn’t much to get into. The wife isn’t religious but she’s spiritual. She believes in the universe and so do I, I just call the universe god. I might hit up a church session eventually just to keep busy and maybe learn about something new.
I need more AA in my life. I’m going to go to online meetings more often.
I guess today was just very uneventful
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I’ve got a headache and 12 hours of work tomorrow, so I’m heading to bed relatively early…
Checking in
231 days substance free
And
148 self harm free
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Sleep well. Peace and calm sending your way.
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Checking in
Day 469
Started tearing up on the train coming home from work bcuz im realizing how much my past still effects me. I think i have become soo good at shoving my past aside, that when it does come up it really effects me. 2 things have come up for me. One of them has been ongoing for awhile now (havent mentioned it on here… at least not lately) and im trying to break free from my thinking patterns.
First thing is that its been 12 years since i charged my abusive ex bf. He was charged with a number of different things related to DV. Now even though i am in a healthy relationship with someone who isnt abusive at all, i STILL hold onto certain ways of thinking from my past. For example: Feeling the need to explain everything and everywhere i go, checking in with my hubby when not needed, feeling uneasy when wearing makeup or doing my hair, etc. I started crying bcuz i hate feeling this way and thinking this way.
Then while on my way home, i also started getting obsurd thoughts about sex work. Like missing it and the fast $$ and miss feeling that sense of control and power (even though it was all fake). Like just obsurd thinking!! And i realized that sex work in itself was very much an addiction for me. It was incredibly hard to quit that lifestyle and so i decided to make a counter for that bcuz i am proud of how far ive come. Ive been free from that for over 8 years and it baffles me that i STILL get cravings for it. It sounds awful i know. Id never go back to that. I have a family now. But those thoughts baffle me 
Anyway, the day is winding down. And im just sort of processing the day. Grateful to be clean and sober, grateful to be free from sex work, and grateful to God, my family, and you all that are my biggest supports 
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Checking in 41 months substance free, 25.2 months self harm free and 12.2 months sugar free.
Lots of emotions going on right now, I am in the thick of it with my step four and working hard on surrendering to this ED. Its terrifying so I am taking it one day at a time.
@SadMemeQueen
Megan, you belong. 
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hey all sorry for the scare, I’m ok. still clean
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I was JUST talking about this! It’s so wild that people can have /have had such control over our lives! And how much it can affect our thinking even after it’s in the past! I’m sending you a great big hug! And I want to tell you how proud of you I am for who you are becoming! I know our past is hard to think about/deal with and we sometimes put a ton of things on our plates to avoid having to think about/deal with it. But just remember, you are loved and cared for.
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1451
Have as good a day as you all can friends. Sober and clean. Love.
Luna woke me up early. She’s right and entitled to do so, it’s her 18th birthday after all. She deserves the attention. This day and every day. Sorry I didn’t take the day off my dear. Thanks for sticking with me 
. Good times and less good ones.
@SadMemeQueen Thanks for letting us know. We’re in this together. We’re with you.
@Butterflymoonwoman I feel you. Glad you’re here. You’re safe now.
@Its_me_Stella Always good to see you friend. You got this. We got you.
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Happy Birthday sweet Luna! Happy 18th! Thanks for making each day special, taking care of your Daddy, and thanks for eating your food! We love you, sweet girl!
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Checking in sober marathon complete 3hours 52minutes 20seconds 
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Wow!!’ Big congrats to you, that’s fantastic! Congratulations!!
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There you go. Self harm releases dopamine which interferes with normal dopamine production, leading to addictive behaviours. Same mechanism.
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@Butterflymoonwoman @Its_me_Stella
Sending strength and wisdom to both of you. You both work so hard at recovery, and are facing the hurt and dark parts of yourself, and I respect that. 
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Good evening and good morning…17 days alcohol free, the sober life is nice and quite calm. I’m… not used to calm, it’s different. Boring… But I guess it’s better than a life full of chaos.
Up next, day 18, celebrating every day I stay off the bottle 
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Hi everyone 
Day 9 for me. Today is my birthday 
and instead of drinking I will treat myself to a pizza 
! I really want to not drink, this is a first in a long time, but I am motivated to go to bed sober tonight.
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Happy birthday @Alice13 Amazing work on the 9 days and celebrating sober! You are giving yourself a real gift 
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Day 135.
Just checking in. And I still have nothing to moan about. I could get used to this…
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Wow, that’s a fantastic time, well done. Are you going to do another do you think?
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Hi, happy happy birthday to you. Hope you have a great day 
I’m sure you will enjoy it sober and the pizza too 
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