I’m checking in on day 2. Not good mentally, but I know things will get better. Just so ashamed of my behavior on the weekend 
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Checking in on day 2…
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Checking in, feeling a bit better and just managed to keep some chicken noodle soup down. Sitting upright in bed with a hot water bottle…just have to take it a moment at a time. I’d take this over any hangover, though! Hang in there, everyone.
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I’m home, I ate and now I’m watching another episode of “The last of us”.
It’s still pouring outside, humidity in here went through the roof, but lucky me has a dehumidifier 
My new evening routine seems to do something. I’m getting tired around 7:30/8 pm (now 
).
Time to shower and then sleep.
Yesterday I was too tired to do my yoga. I fell asleep 10 minutes after I started the session.
Usually I’m laying in bed wide awake for 1-2 hours. For me this is huge!
What did I change?
- No light after sunset, only candles.
- No YouTube or cellphone in bed.
- Going to bed at the same time every evening (well almost
) - no meds that help you fall asleep (melatonin or other stuff)
Okay, that’s it for today.
Still no cravings, I’m grateful to be here.
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Still here, still sober. Last couple weeks were the first couple weeks of fairly consistent, warm sunny weather. Been getting tan, been working out outdoors. Just got done with todays workout and cold shower. Feel great but now I don’t know what to do with the rest of the day. I do have a an ugly, brown lake with a swimming beach nearby, I don’t know if it’s open for the season yet but I’ll go check it out this week maybe. Still wish I had my own pool though. I feel like hot sun and cold water can cure anything.
Sitting on the porch at my buddy’s house right now, I really want to get some meal worms or something to feed the birds, there’s a little cardinal here next to me that comes around every day. There’s an orange stray cat out here too I’m trying to tame, I give him bits of food when I can and he’s coming closer but he won’t let me pet him (her?) yet.
I do feel a bit unsatisfied at times. There’s more I want to be doing but it’s going to take some time to crawl my way back out of the myriad holes and caves I’ve dug. I’m trying to be grateful and appreciative of what I do have though, It could definitely be a lot worse. Anyway, that’s my day so far, it’s 1pm here, I’ve done my workout so now I’m going to go find at least 1 more productive thing to do today.
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Checking in
Day 450
Feeling a bit emotional today. Or maybe its the exhaustion I feel that is making me extra emotional… idk. I attempted to exercise today and did what i could. Sometimes, even tho i am tired, i need a way to release build up energy in my body and exercise is great for that. Basically that was what todays workout was for.
I went to the dollarstore for a few things afterwards and then had a phone call appt with my family Dr. We spoke about my med increase and then she was asking questions about why i felt the need to increase it. So i told her and that was all fine. I have been going thru alot lately with my ptsd related to my sons medical history/cureent medical stuff. And i get like this every so often. She then asked if i ever considered therapy for this (which i have considered it but havent taken those steps yet. Plus i always sort of handle things on my own i guess and never fully reach out). But interestingly enough… she has a counselling degree and does counselling along side being a family dr! So i actually have an appt with her in June for counselling. I want to cancel it lol but ill sit on it and think about it. Honestly it would probably be good for me. Im not going into my past with her tho. It will be strictly about the feelings surrounding my sons cancer diagnosis and the stuff that happens with his medical procedures etc. I really need some self care today. Like badly.
I ate lunch (smoothie) and my afternoon snack (a bagel and a handul of chips) in 1 sitting (emotional eating). Thankfully i havent binged on food but i still dont like to eat food for the wrong reasons and emotional eating isnt ok for me. BUT… i am giving myself grace and just before checking in, gave myself space to feel my emotions (had a huge cry), and to just sit and deep breathe and relax for a sec. I am okay. Just need to have a nice lavender bath or something before my son gets home from school
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day 233 AF
Morena sober whanau.
On way to work site as usual. Nothing much to report, ive been absent but reading alot i feel like ive lost a lot of self confidence lately not sure why yet something ill have to sit with and figure out.
Day 1 without a vape today figured it was about time to kick another habit too been talking about it so time to action it
Sending much love
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I remember that feeling well… In my experience it was another way my self obsession was rearing it’s ugly head, and this was the exact time I learned the true meaning of humility. Challenging those negative, self defeating thoughts that would come up for me such as, " Nobody needs to hear about my life…" Or " Pfft what kind of experience, strength and hope do I have to offer…" was difficult at first because at first I still believed I was a piece of shit. As my recovery progressed though I started to see passed that smokescreen of self obsession, passed the stupid thoughts of "he’s got 16 yrs ,I’ve only got 3 months " and really started to believe that we are all the same. You and me, Travis, we’re the same. We are both addicts just trying to survive this disease for one more day. Everyone is just a human trying to figure out life.
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Well, no chance of relapsing since i am in bed and i never have alcohol accessible or even existing around me
But i cannot sleep.
Ah, but im almost 5 years without alcohol why would i have difficulty sleeping?
Touche. Sometimes, days are just like this. Just because i have been sober for a long while, doesn’t mean i am infallible.
Its why i can’t have “just one drink”. Nope, i am an alcoholic, so i have to tell myself this, every day, to avoid buying and drinking it.
It gets easier, just not incredibly easy. Still working on rewiring my brain. Cant wait to get two more years out of this, because then all the cells in my body will have been replaced and none exposed to alcohol
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Checking in…
1227 days no dope / no booze
I am sitting outside of a counseling office where I just left my 17 yr old child. I made an appointment for her with a trauma counselor to help her process the years she spent with me during active addiction. She asked for help, I am proud of her. I am having some mixed emotions… I am feeling a little unsettled for what she will feel like, what will come up. I dont know what she remembers and what she has blocked out. I keep reminding myself that her journey is not mine and although I ruined it with my self will for 12 years all I can do today is support her while she makes choices. I am grateful that so far she has made wise choices.
After her appointment we head to the hospital for my first 1-on-1 with my new eating disorder therapist. Healing is a fulltime job, I see why taking time off work to focus on recovery is recommended. I am grateful that my life allows me lots of time to take care of myself and my child. I think that because my kiddo has seen me going to battle with my demons over and over again through different type of therapy and addressing different parts of my disease its given her some hope and courage to do the same. She sees me getting better and she also sees the work that is going behind it.
I had some tears today at the end of my yoga practice. I had short yoga pants on and was looking at the scars on my legs which lead to to think about how much I have scarred my body. That pulled me right back into the pain I used to feel when I was at my sickest.
I dont have to “play the tape forward”, I can just look at my skin and I get an instant replay.
I am so grateful to be clean today and I am so grateful I am not suffering anymore.
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Wow that’s great… Very happy for you!
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Welcome!
Beautiful statement.
You are not alone 
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Day 2 and 14 hours
Safe and sober @ home 
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Day 1019
It’s me Pdebs for anyone wondering… I never officially told anyone nor did I ever feel the same coming here after changing my name! 
haha! but just wanted to check in and say…
This thread has me smiling from ear to ear!! I love you guys!! I love reading all the progress!! Ahhh 🩷🩷🩷 you all fill up my soul.
Have a great sober day!
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Yay! I love seeing you pop in 
Hope life is still treating you well.
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11 days AF. Congrats to everyone on making it another day sober. I’ve said this before but there is so much strength and courage here I am in awe of it and draw my own strength from it.
My depression was off the charts today. I did go to a meeting this morning and I really think that kept me from completely falling apart later. Work just gets worse and worse each day, for all the usual toxic reasons but also I’m finding it hard to concentrate and so the work just piles up more and more. I’m pretty sure I won’t make it much longer either because I’ll get too far behind or I’ll have to give notice if I feel like I’m going to drink again. It feels crazy to say that but I’m at my wits end on this. Work makes me so insane and anxious and depressed.
I’m also feeling really lethargic with a lack of interest in anything. Even the things I usually like such as going for a long walk or watching a scary movie, are just bland now. Can’t seem to find interest in anything. The scariest thing with my depression is when that voice whispers, “you can’t do this human thing. It just doesn’t work for you. You aren’t normal. There’s something wrong with your brain, you’re never going to be happy, you’re never going to make it. So just give up, give in…. Have that drink.” I’m just being really honest about this voice. Sobriety doesn’t matter if nothing matters. I HATE thinking this and feeling this way but it’s just where I’m at today.
I know my recovery journey will be blocked until I can reconnect with my spirituality. I don’t really know how to do this. Traditional religion won’t work for me for lots of reasons. I do believe there’s something greater than us that we can’t understand… I mean how crazy and miraculous is consciousness, memory, Earth, the universe… but I’m not sure how to tap into that. I need to let go of my need to control what happens in my life. I need to somehow find a sense of purpose again. I’m lost.
I am not drinking. I got 11 days after throwing away 65 and I’m never going back if I can help it. Alcohol brings pain, shame, sickness, violence, suicidal thoughts, panic, embarrassment, and lost time and money. But gosh I really feel like I’m not doing recovery well today.
Thanks everyone and I’m grateful for you. I can’t wait to wake up sober on a new day. 
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It pains me to read your post but it’s because I have been there myself. Try to be patient and kind to yourself. It is perfectly normal to have down days and especially true if you’re dealing with a toxic workplace that feels out of your control. I have a note in my phone with “mantras,” or simple statements that I can choose from and I can’t tell you how many times I have just repeated them over and over, sometimes even out loud, to help drown out the alcohol, anxiety and depression voices. It is going to take some active practice on your part to shift things, but you CAN do it! It is hopeful that you’re thinking about how to connect to some ideas outside of yourself, as you described. You’ve started doing a piece of that by contributing and sharing to this community - we are greater together. I hope it helps to post how you’re feeling and thinking. Hang in there - keep going on finding more ways to get connected to your spiritual side and it can get better.
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Thank you!! 
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Congratulations on 11 days and im sorry to hear that ur struggling abit. But im glad ur here talking about it 
. Ur work sounds very stressful 
I wish there was some resolution for u when it comes to that.
I love that ur wanting to get into that spirituality piece bcuz I agree that more can open to us in our recoveries by connecting with something Greater than ourselves. Idk where id be today without my HP in my life. If its okay, i wanted to share with u whay was taught to me in early recovery.
I remember hearing this phrase, “Religion are for those that dont want to go to hell. While spirituality are for those that have been to hell and dont want to go back”. And i could relate to that. Even though I do believe in God now, i still consider myself spiritual. But for the loooongest time i believed in other things besides God that were greater than myself. I believed in nature, the Creator (from the Aboriginal culture), I believed in Angel cards and crystals. And Basically i would connect daily to whatever was my idea of a Higher Power. So my sponsor at the time asked me what qualities do I believe my HP to have. Kindness, forgiveness, compassion, support, etc. What would a Higher Power look like to you? What qualities does it have? Maybe giving it a name or qualities would help to bring that spirituality to life for you 
And in the mornings (or whenever), i would connect to this HP and ask for its guidance in my thinking and acting throughout the day. I would talk to it as if i was talking to a friend next to me. By giving my problems away and by turning over my thinking and acting to this HP, i was able to let go of that control over my life, just like u speak of. Basically i turn to this HP whenever i need some comfort and some guidance. And just like any relationship, we need to put the effort into it daily All of these things that u mentioned here, were shown to me in early recovery bcuz i also struggled with connecting and getting that spirituality going. And when life sucks some days and things are just really hard, i turn to that HP and ask for help and ask for joy and peace amd comfort. Just thought id share with u what was shown to me to see if anything resonates with u I hope ur day gets better and I hope that ur able to find some calm within everything thats going on today
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Im sorry you are struggling @Catmama23 sometimes all the recovery work we need to do for the day is not use. Just as addiction is a bitch so is depression. I want you to know you arent alone. Youve got all of us in your corner.
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