It’s so great to see you still here clean and sober @Mno! I have fond memories of your patience and encouragement during my early days. Forever grateful God saw fit to bring me to this forum and meet amazing humans like yourself. Give Luna some scritches from me!
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Have as good a day as you all can friends. Sober and clean. Love.
New work week. Not really feeling it this morning. But I’ll make do. Incredible now to try and imagine what it’d be like to get up hungover and / or still under the influence. Never again. X
@SadMemeQueen It’s good to see you Megan Sorry to see you having such a hard time. Big hugs your way friend. 
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Day 5
Thank God - I realy woke up sober again!
FCK alcohol 
Much love 
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Day 275
Another monday, another dentist appointment 
Today it’s for a deep clean only, but there is one tooth that’s still bothering me. So today will be the day when I tell my Dr. that she needs to fix it.
I was waiting because sometimes, after a deep filling like I got, it needs more time to calm down. It got better yes, but it’s not consistently calm as I want it to be and as it should be.
Last week of work and then: 3 weeks off 
You guys have no idea how much I’m looking forward to that! I won’t travel anywhere bc I lack the money, but still: 3 weeks off 
Looking forward to a hot coffee and the crazy women I work with.
Have a beautiful sober day friends, stay strong 
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I am sorry everything is so hard for you and hope that soon it will be better. Oftentimes that is how it goes, bad, not so good, great, awful.
I know it is stressful for you to get the exam, I think you have been confidentially telling your Dr about your abuse and for them to handle your body as gentle, and with as much respect and regard to that as possible as an abuse survivor. ( They should treat all women like this)
It sounds like you have a definitive diagnosis of both the fibromyalgia and the osteoarthritis and you say it accounts for just 1 % of what is really bothering you and holding you back.
I think it would be good if you could help them figure out that other 99%.
Before you go to the Dr visit, check yourself out w paper and pen in hand or your phone notes.
Move each part of your body and if it hurts , write down where and how much. There are 0-10 pain scales on the internet. 10 is so bad that you can’t stand it, all you can do is cry and not get up.
YOU check your own body out from your head to your toes.
Push on your body gently and if it hurts write down where. Move the different body parts and write down where.
Why You?
Because then you can tell them.
Close your eyes. Can you touch your nose?
Can you move your tongue back and forth?
Can you put one foot directly in front of the other
( eyes open) and walk forward in a straight line and then do the same backward>?
Write down yes or no, or yes and really hard. Backwards can be hard.
Tell them what your average amount of food is that you eat a day and how much water you drink. Keep track of it till you go in.
Look at your urine. Is it clear or yellow, brown or red?
Do you get light headed when you stand up?
Do you get out of breath when you walk up some stairs?
When you take a deep breath in do you hurt anywhere?
When you eat does your food seem to go through you okay? No hurt tummy, throat, bowels etcetera?
Yes, this is a lot for you to do but it is a way for you to check yourself out and tell them your own findings so they can check you out, and pay particular attention to what you have found, especially if you feel like they are being dismissive, are in too big of a hurry etcetera.
It s going to be the day after a long holiday.
Tell them how you feel mentally.
Do you feel tired and sleep a lot?
Do you not want to get up and face the day?
Do you often feel like there is a black curtain pulled down in front of you?
Do you have a hard time trying to figure out stuff in your head?
Do you cry a lot and or feel defeated?
Write down any medicines, supplements or drugs that you take.
Hopefully they will do regular blood work on you.
You can do this assessment on yourself.
Each bit of info you tell them, then you don’t have to worry about did they find that out on their own doing their own assessment.
Have your paper in hand. Get them to make you a copy if they want to keep it.
I am hoping for answers for you and a turn around for you.
I want to see you back at work somewhere and living your life.
I am proud of you for checking in here, and for not self harming, (I do not think.)
This is not, by any means, a thorough assessment. It is a way for you to get in touch with what is normal or could be abnormal in many parts of your own body.
Wanting answers and wanting you to feel physically and mentally better.
We are here for you.
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Day 9 , off today (and off Friday too !)
Off today as of awful migraine last night. Never noticed them too much after wine …
Will take today easy , have a restful day folks
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Day 170.
Today I’m going on a boat trip. Our blissful island time is ending on Saturday, so I’m making the most of my last few days. Boat trip, hikes, swimming, the fucking works!
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Day 268.
We went out to dinner with my girlfriends family. Ofcourse almost everyone was drinking. But not me! I chose not to pour poison down my throat. And it felt great not to. I don’t need alcohol. Period.
I want to be fully present for my pregnant girlfriend. Take care of her. That’s way more important.
How is everyone feeling today?
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Morning check-in! Last day of my holidays! I’ve just come back from having a tattoo done on my ankle. I had this image in my phone for 2 years already, but I thought I wasn’t worth having it done yet (I wanted a certain length of sobriety before I had it done). Finally I decided to just get it done, because of the meaning it has to me!
Now I’m having a late breakfast at the “plaza”, couldn’t eat anything before because I was nervous of the (tiny) tattoo! 
Some batch cooking later on for the week, and I might go for a walk this afternoon! Wishing everybody a great day!
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Checking in because I have to get serious about the food/sugar/carb addiction I’m battling. I haven’t had a drink in 1,390 days. But I don’t feel sober this morning because I’m using food instead of alcohol to cope with feelings etc. I started working with a new sponsor (I’m an AA girl) last October and am going back through the steps. I’m discovering quite a bit more about myself this go round. More is being revealed. Layers of addictive behavior have come to light. It’s crazy to me how much this struggle resembles my struggle with alcohol. Same patterns, way of thinking, obsessive behavior, sneaking, justification and mental gymnastics. It’s exhausting. My health is at risk. My peace and serenity are compromised. It has to stop. So, here I am. Starting Day 1. Again.
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1050-something
Had a dream about my friend who died last night. I maybe mentioned her before. We definitely were codependent baby alcoholics together. We encouraged each other to get yet another of wine to share. Would comfort each other when we threw up or got thrown out of clubs. She was so beautiful and creative, I felt like I must be an interesting person if she wanted to be my friend. I wonder how she would have dealt with my sobriety. If she was still mired in her own drinking, I honestly would probably have stayed drinking to not ‘disappoint’ her, I was that reliant on her good opinion. Or just maybe I could have helped her and we could have got sober together. I think she would actually have got a lot out of the spirituality and community of recovery. I have never felt so close to a person as I felt to her. Never felt as seen or known. I doubt I will ever have that level of closeness again.
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Fleur, I didn’t know about your friend. I’m so very sorry. Lots of life ahead, and sobriety opens up a lot of possibilities for us. You are very loved.
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Day 1,116 clean and sober today. I went back to my old meds instead of those yucky ones and I actually slept really well last night!!! I can deal with the little bits of bad dreams sometimes, it’s worth it to not be on that other stuff. Have an amazing day everyone, love you guys! 
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Hey all, checking in on day 1114. I hope everybody has a good one!
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I’m sorry for your loss, Fleur 
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@LeeHawk Ah, it was a pretty unhealthy closeness (from my side anyway). Like I said, I would probably have drank myself to death so she didn’t think I was lame. And I don’t have time to forge a deep connection over hours of listening to Janis Joplin now. Got kids to raise and papers to grade.
@Jesile I think my grammar was off, she didn’t die last night, she died more than 10 years ago, I just dreamt about her last night. Thanks for your kind words tho.
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Woke up feeling good. So happy to be home, I missed my kids & husband so much, and felt torn between being with my mom and nephew and coming home. My son is an EARLY RISER 5am, and around 8 I could tell he wasnt feeling well, hes crying ao much, house is a mess because my husband was also really sick a day afrer I left (also why I felt torn! Mom, daughter, wife and Auntie guilt all at once 
), and just the energy gping on I can feel my chest thumping and stomach churning. I feel so guilty puttong the tv on for my kids (NO JUDGMENT AT ALL HERE TO OTHER PARENTS FOR WHATEVER WORKS FOR THEM!!), and part of me is trying to accept that when I am heightened or thinfs are chaotic its OKAY to put a little something on for them, so im not straining myself and in turn maybe not respondinf in tbe best way to them & their needs.
My guilt feelings and anxiety are flooding back on me like a train movinf way too fast through a railway crossing. And its not just that I have been ignoring them so i dont have to deal with rhem, I have had an insane situation before me ans I did what I had to do to survive and also give the most of myself to my nephew. I know now that not everything is an “excuse”, sometimes there are reasons why wr cannot devote time to ourselves…I think a lot of moms feel they come last, and then its another wave of mom guilt and shaming to be told youre just not making the time for you and that you cant give to toehrs if you dont take care of you. Im not done with the guolt and shame, I am working through it…but I see how my response to put the trauma and pain on hold was what I had to do, I had to hold it together for everyone - and thats not ego, that is the reality. I knew while doing it that I couldnt stay like this forevwr, that I didnt want to…but I also saw the necessity in it…and when i see what my family has done around my nephew and for my sister, I am proud and I need to learn how to be proud of myself. Because I never want to take credit, I never want to be too confident lest someone try to chop me down…
I am ready to heal, and feel…and there is no going back to the old me. And theres no getting over; for me I have to let go of tbe idea of closure as it sets me up for false expectations that we get over things. We heal, but things - especially the big things stay with us, and just brcause they come up again later in life at different stages does mean you didnt honestly give it your all to heal earlier on. It doesnt mean you went totally wrong or missed the point, it just means that the stage and phase you are in had brougjt it to you in a new way…shed new light, and when im open to that (instead of trying to stamp it dowb like I FUCKING HEALED U ALREADY GO AWAY LOL or shame myself like CLEARLY i didnt do that right bc its still there wow my past self was such an arrogant idiot and clearly not honest enough), then I open myself up to loving the hard parts of me and accepting the process of healing as life long. I have long suspected we never actually get over the big thinfs in life, but that this ISNT a bad thing and it doesnt mean there was anything wrong with our perspective before…like this…our home is 200 years old. I dont think the railing is that old, but it is old. When we first moved in we cleaned the house, and there was much work to be done. Its anxiety provoking at first bc there seem to be SO MANY important things to be done, but once you get into the flow of life you see that the process is never truly finished. Almost 2 years in to living in my house, I noticed something on the banister and I could feel as I was wiping the sticky finger marks off from my nephews hands that the wax coating on the railing was so old it was slightly tacky…the wood was dark, and I start to put more force into scrubbing and the cloth came up with quite a bit of dirt on it…i realized HOLY COW, the coating on this banister is so old its become a bit tacky and is actually holding dirt. So i set to cleaning it, in a new way because I saw it differently. That doesnt mean I didnt clean it before, or was lyong about how clean i thought it was…its just a different stage of the process.
Anyway, i didjt mean to go on like this…but sitting here, i realize at the end of writing all that my anxiety is lower. I am so sad without my sister, sad for my parents, sad for her son…hard to focus on that, but time to grow through it. I appreciate you all being part of my team. Heres to another 24 xo.
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I did get it wrong indeed! I’m sorry for your loss nevertheless! 
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Day 40. Seriously was really pumped with how my Vegeta anime piece turned out last night, I actually posted it on my Facebook and got a ton of positive feed back. Opened up a bank account last Friday and today I can go over and get my debit card. I’m excited about that too, bc its progress in the right direction. I was a little stumped tho bc they charge me 5.99 a month for a maintaince fee which really kind of was like damn Im only gonna have 50 bucks a months I don’t need to pay 6 bucks too. I’m gonna see if they will accept me as a student and rid the fee. Tomorrow will be fun we get to stay out till 1030 and watch the fireworks, I’m excited. But yeah all is going well, my girls are doing good they started day camp today and they were really excited for it. I’m happy for my girls, I miss them so much. I was talking to my ex last night how I wish I was home and doing my tattoos again , which is probably just me wanting to chicken out of being here. But she said Tupper isn’t a good place for me. Like I know it’s not too, but I still yearn to be home sometimes. Much love everyone
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