Checking in on day 38 
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Day 149
I’m not feeling too great, got some health problems that wont resolve. Have been back and forth to the doctors for six weeks now and I’m none the wiser.
Ah, and the boiler is broken. Gas engineer came today to fix it, but brought the wrong part! So no fixing today. Luckily it’s warm enough without the heating, but hot water is only sporadically available after praying and/or cursing.
Went to a science museum this afternoon, which was very nice and occupied my mind for a couple of hours.
But I can’t deny that my health problems weigh on my mind and I do feel some depressive thoughts and moods taking hold after all those weeks.
Thanks for listening/reading, my sober fam
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@HolySquid I know it’s frustrating, tiring, and depressing, but keep going back to the doctors until they find answers, sorry you’re dealing with this. Sending strength. 
🩵
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@Bomdhil I hope you have managed to get sone sleep 
@DanaM56 sending strength I hope you feel better today 🩵
@Hisharleyquinn1318 congrats on 50 days 
that’s such a healthy perspective to have too 
@JazzyS thank you 🩵 I’m so relieved that you noticed it wasn’t your La Croix! 
@Amy30 I love this post! Congrats on 200 days and happy birthday 
@Arsinoe welcome back 
congrats on 3 days if you feel you have a problem then most likely you do, and your husband should support your decision to not drink alcohol anymore.
@anon53116147 congrats on 70 days that sounds cool about the recovery campus, loving your attitude too 🩵
@Pattycake welcome congrats on 22 days
@Iwebt congrats on 2 years 
@BrOKenWolf these anniversaries make the pain of loss that much harder, I’m sorry for the way things were at the end, but also grateful you did get to spend some time together for those precious 8 days. Sending love and strength 🩵
1087 days no alcohol.
552 days no cocaine.
67 days no vape.
I’m still feeling not right, it’s suffocating like I’m on the verge of a panic attack all day, chest pains too. Not quite as depressed though so some improvement.
I’ve done all my usual things, meditations, 38 mins of colouring, both walks.
Tomorrow I have two courses, one in-person one in the morning, so I need to be up early, and one online one mid afternoon. Looking forward to getting out and the course itself, it’s called ‘Thriving with Nature’.
🩵
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I am sorry you are not feeling right. I hope you feel balanced soon. I would love an update on your course tomorrow, sounds amazing.
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Good job on dispelling those lies.
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Celebrating day 299
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@CATMANCAM yes!!! I could sleep more finally.
How are you doing?Panics attack are hard! I see your numbers and you are doing really well. Courage my friend!!!
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Welp two guys just wanted to fight me for asking their names and trying to introduce myself. Sweet hopefully this isn’t gonna be a thing
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@JazzyS thank you!!! My sleep is 
bad but I guess I will improve it. I didn’t know you have problems with gluten. I hope the India trip will be no difficult for you.
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Loss is hard I’m making it today though. I thank everyone here for helping today. Panic attacks coming and going but some times i feel like an elephant is on my chest and the tears won’t stop. Then times like right now I’m able to compose myself and be functional.
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Their problem. Not yours. Stay the course.
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Checking in sober, day 17.
Work was beyond frustrating and exhausting. But I won’t use that as an excuse to drink.
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I will, it just through me off for a little bit. But thank you girl, it was something to do with them not me
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I had a rough weekend, beginning of week. It started by comparing myself to others. Then i started doing my amends letters. I really had issues with how to address my abusive mom. I’ve forgiven her for everything because i know she’s only doing what she leaned. My issue was how do i address my wrongs in all of it. I was such a submissive child and even into adulthood with her, always trying to please and be loved. The whole thing stressed me out. Then someone said that since i couldn’t address her in person that i must still have resentments…i do not want to see her or address her in person because im pretty sure her reaction will trigger me and cause more issues. But i started questioning everything reguarding my step work and doubting myself in all ways. Then i ended up having an all out food binge…i beat myself up so much over it all. I cried a lot and had a lot of negative thoughts flood my mind. Yesterday I had a hard crying session, my face was leaking so much. During this i went into my bathroom and looked in the mirror while it was happening. I started to talk to myself as i would my son if he were dealing with something similar. I prayed to my HP harder than i ever had before. I felt a wave of something come over me. I finished crying, continued praying, hugged myself, and told myself i love you. It was a crazy experience. I felt hung over afterwards. As the day progressed i felt lighter. I had clarity in what i need to do and made some decisions that will be beneficial to me and recovery.
I am my own worst enemy. I can forgive and accept everyone but not myself. I talked to my therapist today about it all and she pointed out how much i really beat myself up. Next week will be my next EMDR session with her. I really need trauma therapy. I’ve pushed so much inside that i don’t remember much at all of my childhood. I’m hoping this really helps. Meanwhile I’m going to work on not being so critical of myself and letting go of the perfectionism i expect from myself. I’ve been more aware of my HP since that episode I had and seeing the ways it is working in my life.
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Day 176 sober. Closing in on 6 months. I couldn’t have done it without the encouragement and support from you here in this community. I draw strength from every one of you each day whether you realize it or not.
Shout out to @JazzyS , @Cjp , @Butterflymoonwoman , @icebear , and @CATMANCAM for the encouragement and examples!
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I’m so sorry for your loss @BrOKenWolf but I’m glad you’re here and let us know how you feel.
I totally agree with @JazzyS that our deceased loved ones watching over us and your mum is watching you and is proud of you.
So make her proud by living a good life and trying to be the best of yourself. One day at a time.
Sending you a big hug.
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