@Cjp thank you!!!
I failed in food Binging yesterday. Chocolate cookies 
the rest is 
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I feel you so much on that relationship between your kids and past with your parents (and being a fast typer 
) So much. I did a lot of work pre-having kids on my rel. With them, and my childhood so I wasnt expecting it to smack me in the face in a different way once the kids were actually here. And I have continued to do work around it, but my oldest is 7 and Im just realizing a lot of things about myself and about all this crap. Like whoa. Its scary, but I also feel a bit of relief (I hope you feel it a bit too at times). Like if I had healed the wounds and I was still messed up, then where the hell do I go? But its like Im seeing things differently, and I dont want to waste this gift. But its painful and a bit GD tiring.
Seriously wishing you so much love in your life and that you find that for yourself. We dont talk that much (though are getting better in some ways) about post partum depression and anxiety, or like the EMOTION that comes from having chuldren for women. BUT we really never talk about the effects for menā¦like at all? Having kids is a big fuxking deal, especially when you were raised in dysfunction or with people who loved yoh but didnt know what healthy love was. And men go through something too, and we dont talk about that in society (you will hear me go off a lot about society LOL). I have a hard time talking about my family, so maybe that also explains why I was like āWELL THATS DONE IM GOOD NOWā, and I know putting your shit out there or talking about feelings as a manā¦like big deal (okay I realize I may be assuming youre a man, so if I am wrong correct the shit out of me.)
I hope to see you around more 
shit glad for this connection, and I gotta say since having my daughter Ive been looking for a mom to relate to around this stuff (even trying to go back ro AA where I found no new moms) and who knew Id find that level of relating with a dad. Life blows my brain sometimes.
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Good numbers!Day 1040,
Pretty good day, usual struggle with anxiety and sensory/social overload, the heat is exhausting. No meditation yet today, but got some exercise in. Got a cake for BILās birthday today. 
Grocery shopping and errands with sister and nephew.
First job application submitted in 2~3 months, a wave of denials and life upheavals really got me off the rails, then I settled back into the anxious āsafeā monotony thatās described a lot of the year. Submitted for a good metro gov lab job, an ordeal of fighting off panic and nausea lol. Already realized a couple of mistakes or things I should have added, trying not to sweat it, itās in the hands of fate. Pray I will be accepted for evaluation and will have the serenity and courage to endure it well.
Itās funny, at the peak of my career ~2 years ago I should have been running an entire department. Now with memory struggles, being out of practice, and the anxiety I feel so lost. I have to remember I even felt so underqualified a lot back then, itās just a perk of mental illness and our disease lol, I am enough. The seeking and deciding and interviewing process murders me, just let me do and Iāll show you some dang good work, lol.
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And before I got a chance to congratulate you on hitting 30 days, you already at 31.
Congratulations @Bomdhil!
Great job!
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Celebrating day 293
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This has what Iāve learned about you over the years. This is what youāve shared on TS.
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That your husband was a porn addict. And he was going to Celebrate Recovery for it. Is he still going?
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That since you stopped drinking, you were unable to be sexually intimate with your husband. Has this never been resolved?
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That you husband has been gambling, and you resent that.
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And now, Iām suspecting that youāre still feeling the pain of the betrayal trauma from what happened years ago. And Iām suspecting that thereās more stuff recently. That you donāt trust him. And to feel safe, youāve put up walls, but at the expense of your desire for intimacy.
And now that the daughter knows about his affair, this opens up a whole new set of betrayal trauma that sheās going to experience.
If God sends you a fix to fix you,
And you fix the fix before it fixes you,
Then God will send you another fix to fix you
Just as fixing youāre drinking didnāt fix you, Iām suspecting that fixing your eating issues isnāt going to fix you either. Until you address the root of betrayal trauma that youāve experienced in your marriage, then it will continue to sabotage and undermine your ultimate healing.
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Back on the sober train. Day 4. Feel great! I was using alcohol to escape an emotional abusive partner. This person is no longer in my life and i feel so free and powerful. I had already stopped getting stupid drunk, but fully abstaining feels so good right now. Water and electrolytes are my go to. I was so dehydrated but i didnt realize how bad until now.
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Day 32, I feel happy to be alive and sober 
hope everyone is doing well today
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Checking in to stay accountable. The peace that Iām experiencing Iām my world right now is some thatās been absent for so long. If it was self inflicted alcohol fueled pain then it was the toxicity of an ex lover. Both have left my world. Iām at ease with myself and where I am in my life for the first time possibly ever.
Over the last two years Iāve ended relationships with toxic people and ex boyfriends that want to continue to feed off of my energy. They are all gone and I feel serene.
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4 years ago, today I decided to quit drinking alcohol. To say that I am proud of myself is an understatement. Drinking alcohol, wine, and āspiritsā, was single-handedly the worst habit I picked up in my life. I was self-destructive, I was neglecting my health, I neglected my responsibilities, and I neglected my life. I didnāt really care about much of anything because I lived in a constant state of worry, the mental fog led to indecisiveness and an overall lack of action, I was always sad, depressed, and careless. I stayed in unfulfilling relationships and neglected my emotional needs. I was in poor health and ignored some gnarly symptoms of physical illness in my body like tumors, shortness of breath, an indefinite cough, mucus over production, aches, pains, anxiety and panic attacks. Hangovers led me towards the worst type of foods imaginable like pizza, cookies, steak subs, burritos, candy, soda pop, etc. I spent money I didnāt have getting high on weed, I was always available to be the wing when someone wanted to go out, I had very little confidence and low self-esteem. My credit was shit, I had no savings, I had no direction or ambition. I cried in silence often. Just because people donāt present unwell, doesnāt mean they arenāt suffering from shit on the inside. I am the kind of person who just isolates from others and deal with my stuff on my own. I never cared to invite people to my pity party. After a while, I realized I was sick all of the time, I was so tired and anxious all of the time, and I knew that something needed to change if I wanted to see 40. I felt like I was dying on the inside, literally and figuratively. I decided after 1 random night of drinking with a couple of friends (my body was literally rejecting the drink), that I was done. The following day, I downloaded a sober app and started tracking my sobriety. I joined an online community called Sober Time and basically checked into it every day and kept myself accountable to the community there. Since I quit drinking, I freed up the mental and physical energy to begin working on myself. Today, I have a great paying career path, I have a passion for health, wellness, and personal development. Iāve got good credit, savings, my health, a spirit to help others become better versions of themselves, and an overall deeper sense of purpose for life. I am lucky to be alive and I look forward to the next 4 years of sobriety. Had I not stopped that habit, I wouldnāt be more physically vibrant, healthier, with a true sense of mental balance and inner peace. I encourage you to put the alcohol down and get you a juicer. Drink life, not death. Alcohol breaks your spirit while fresh juice lifts your spirit. Itās poison. Itās not fun. Itās destructive and it destroys lives. Cheers to 4 years! Pineapple juice for the win. #RepurposedMyWineGlass
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What a beautiful testament of the gifts of sobriety from a beautiful human. Thank you so much for sharing with us - itās always good to see you around her!
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You are stunning inside and out. I appreciate you sharing your story of the downs & now where you are. Keep it going. Juice looks good on you 
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Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope.
Congratulations on 4 years you fabulous looking lady!
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Thanks for the thoughtful response. I am working the steps again to deconstruct the old ideas I have of who I am and who my husband is that arenāt grounded in reality, identify my resentments and my part, work with others which keeps me grounded and continue to see my therapist to address core emotional wounds from my childhood that contribute to a belief system that is so flawed. I am a work in progress. Whether or not my husband chooses to seek his own recovery and healing is really none of my business. My sobriety (mental, physical, spiritual and emotional) will not and cannot depend on the action or inaction of others. Not him, my sponsor, my sister, my kids, my friends etc. I control what I can, ask for acceptance of the things I cannot change and be willing to let go of what I canāt. Itās a process. I am finally beginning to believe I can have the life God has planned for me. So I get up each day with hope thay Iāve gained from God, the steps and AA. Sometimes I come on here and whine. And spill my self pity all over the place. Doing so reminds me that there is no freedom or relief in the pity party, in drinking, in eating, in complaining. Long term sobriety and Serenity come when I surrender. 
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Doing well, thanks for asking! Picked-up the meds the hospital prescribed. Rough getting out; weāre under severe heat warning (over 100Ā° for the next 4 days). So I spent most of the day butt nekid.
Had an orientation meeting with my new PCP (not while nekid) so all my providers are on the same page. Still a bit unnerved by whoever was looking in my apartment the other day, but Iāll be alright. 
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Day 29. Checking in. Life goes on. Depression has arrived. An aftereffect of regret for everything lost and destroyed. Trying to keep myself busy.
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Thank you so much! Glad to see you here as well!
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Hello friends, checking in on day 776. I had a psychiatrist appointment today. It was awesome to tell her that I havenāt touched alcohol in over two years. I am pretty proud of that. Gonna keep tapering off the meds but very slowly. Maybe try something different that doesnāt mess with my blood pressure so much.
Today has been good. Went to my sonās robot competition and his team took second place. It rained a bit here and I felt better connected to everything than I have been feeling lately. Keep sobering on, my friends. Much love 
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