Thank you for sharing and all of that had a point so you didn’t ramble. You are being so strong and implementing strategies to cope as well so well done 
What is the PhD you are doing? Super jealous as was all signed up and had to pull out.
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Your gut is telling you she is safe going to spend time with her dad. He does sound better and you could call to check in (right ?).
How are you doing otherwise? Feeling any better with your head cold?
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I had a long talk with him earlier and told him my worries in an honest and non judgemental fashion and he was totally fine…he said i can call as often as i like and reassured me how much he loves her and that theres no way hed let her come to any kind of harm…he agreed that if he even started feeling like he couldnt manage that he would tell me straight away. Im still stressed…i was thinking back to the advice i was giving @rainy7 last week…i dont have my basics down…im tired, feeling ill, stressed out and so im going to take my own advice and get an early night, start eating better and be kinder to myself for a few days. Love you Jasmine 
thank you for being there for me xx
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Oh my gosh I relate to this all SO MUCH!!!
i have a very strong fear that lives in my chest about losing everything. It grips me, and has since my sister died/I started drinking more heavily. For me right now, I have to keep it simple (I am not giving you advice here just literally saying what I am trying to do to help me with that FEAR). Today, this 24 hours I just wont drink. Thats it. And in that 24 hours to not drink, I will do some of the things I know help me to not drink/work on myself. Thats it and I have to remember that.
I am also SUPER analytical and it can make me live in my head - which can end up pulling me into just focusing on shit in my mind. I am not sure the answer to this one, but I have seen (in the 10 years of sobriety i had and even up until now), how its not about stamping out this analytical part of me or even shutting down thinking about myself but trying to harness it in the right direction. You are analytical for a reason. Thats a BEAUTIFUL fucking thing (am I allowed to swear on here I dont know LOL). The fact that you CAN focus that inward is ALSO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. And while left a little unchecked we may go too far and just become a bit self absorbed, but all of our defects have a positive reflection on the other side. You privably can see all kinds of sides to things. You also probably have lots of insight into yourself, which is hard for a lot of people. But we do have to learn how to balance (hi me too!!!), and also how not to shit on ourselves/shame ourselves for these beautiful tools we have…life is a GD balancing act and Im learning to (especially since becoming a mom this is when I literally stopped giving myself grace bc I felt I had to be PERFECT so I didnt damage my daughter or children…just wayyyy too much pressure and also giving myself so much credit that I would somehow solely be responsible for how my kids turn out. Now…that doesnt mean its entirely bad that I understand how important the role I have is, and consider my children in my thoughts and actions, but actually the best thing I can do for my kids is be myself, get to know myself, be an age-appropriate genuine version of me and keep working on me. Me trying to be perfect and living in fear that I may damage them or repeat my own childhood doesnt serve them…but it gives me awareness and I am just learning about all of this)…or trying to go by the 30% rule when I judge myself.
Sorry I go off sometimes and I really do not mean to.
One last thing is that I also relate very much so to believing my spouse is perfect. He is EVERYTHING I could ever want, and he is so chill and laid back, and also super involved, and very smart and SO PATIENT with the kids and loves to play with them…and I have always felt too like he was getting it right much more then me. I always felt like I was the hammer, I was less fun and more of a worrier and structured…but I am starting to understand something. We both are bringing stuff to the table and we balance one another. I am embracing the fact that I have a shorter temper (not as sometjing to just be fixed, which Im not saying I want to be yelling or just reacting! But I am firm, I am more fiery and exciteable…Im starting to see the positives in things I thpught were only negative. I can negotiate like an SOB and I do not take no for an answer.) Anyway, Im not trying to comment at all on your partnership, and I have no idea the challenges you have had (or even the challenges this has brought to your wife). I just want to say that as you keep on your healing journey, part of that will be the action and part of that will be that your mind starts to change about yourself.
I am on this journey and dont EXACTLY know wtf I am talking about, but I am starting to see that all the parts of me I tried to shove down down down when I was trying to fit into the perfecr mom/perfect wife mold…these are parts of me, and even my dark sides have some light in them. Some purpose and function. I love to drive fast and want to own a motorcycle. Now I drive the speed limit (or just above), and Im not wreckless but me before my sister died and it jolted me like this…i never would have considered wanting a motorcycle as being okay. Im a mom of small children, that doesnt “fit in” to my idea of being perfect (I know its stupid but I understand now why i have not been engaging with these parts of self…) Well, my 1 yr sober goal is to buy a motorcyle and thats that. I have to accept me.
Okay im done! Im sorry so wordy but all of what you said I resonated with SO MUCH!
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I’m here, I’m alive and I’m sober.
End of day 15
As usual I have a lot to say, but believe it or not. I’m not going to today.
Because I’m going to focus on the positive things here.
Today I finally bought a western hat (Cowboy hat if you wish) I’ve been wanting one for years, but didn’t though I actually would look good in it, and didn’t want to spend a minor fortune on something I might not use.
But since my brother decided that they don’t really want to go anywhere, there’s been Heavy Rain today and H&M had a sale I spent like 45 minutes trying on different hats until I eventually found the perfect one for me.
If I decide I don’t want to wear it, it’ll always be a great decoration in our Western themed bedroom eventually. 
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I love that you did that. 
made me happy just to read your post.
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Checking in sober.
Testing did show I have inattentive type ADHD. That could explain a lot. I see my doctor next week to discuss the possibility of medication. But it helps a bit knowing there’s a medical reason for somethings I think are defective personality traits. Looking back at all my past struggles, I wish I’d tested sooner. But I can’t change the past. I can put this knowledge to good use and keep moving forward.
Interestingly, people with ADHD have lower baseline levels of dopamine, so addiction is fairly common as people try to get that rush of dopamine.
Knowledge is power.
OFDAAT
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I’m so happy to hear that Kelly! Glad that you and your ex have a open communication. I know you are still stressed and i do hope that getting back to the basics will help ease some of that pressure - plus rest is always helpful when dealing wth a head cold.
It is funny how often we are able to give advise and forget to apply it inwards - happy to see that you are taking your own advice. Much love my friend - love you too 
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Oh I hope you get a chance to go back, and if not Im sure you will be on the path you are meant to be on (I literally do not mean to sound hokey, but I do believe in that. So if that sounds too hokey you just brush right on past it 
I am doing a sociology phd in the areas of mental health, crime/deviance and law with a specialization in addictions as well. My thesis specifically focuses on trauma victims and how the responses they recieve post trauma. What I have found for sexual violence victims is that recieving negative feedback is actually more harmful in their recovery trajectory then the physical trauma itself (its because the effects of being shamed, victim blamed, dismissed are very common and people are less likely then to seek help, more likely to internalize the blame and develop issues). Recieving supportive responses isnt found to help that much, in that recieving support doesnt make the trauma go away. Peopke still have to heal, but it does encourage people to speak to others, to seek help and so it kind of acts as a spring board. No it doesnt heal trauma, but it allows victims to be and feel supprted as they move forward. Sorry and just to edit here I am building on others research so this isnt all just me! My whole thesis discusses this trajectory basically, and maps talking to others and its effects.
Im actually not sure I will finish. There are a lot of reasons and I have had a pro/con list going for a few years. I have appreciated the opportunity, but think the cons for me are outweighing the pros and I am very much okay with it. Life just kind of has a way…
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I even found myself giving him advice n sent him the link to the Stutz documentary, i want him to find some peace…hes my daughters dad at the end of the day n sometimes we all struggle, i dont like to see or hear anyone in such pain. Yes i forget i need mh own advice sometimes, i do hope your doing well Jazz, thsnks again xx
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Absolutely fascinating, and matches my own experiences.
I am OK now with not taking the academic path, more wistful I think. It was a really hard way to end it at the time but I am happy with my current path which wouldn’t have been possible before.
In my experience everyone hits a wall with a PhD. It is an absolutely brutal process. A lot of people choose not to finish and that should never be considered failing. The whole process has contributed to your journey.
Mine was in History. Evidence of feminism in ‘ordinary’ women during the inter war period. I was fascinated with the shared space between Feminists (suffragettes etc.) and the ordinary woman who was just living her life post-war. How much did the two groups intersect, influence etc.
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Wow thank you for sharing. I really believe you sharing this and me reading your posts is one of the boosts I needed to speak to my doctor, which I did today so thank you so much.
I just wanted to say too, as you mentioned you wish you had tested sooner that this is not just on you. Everyone in society has a harder time recognizing this in girls/women, and we have a hard time recognizing it in ourselves bc thats not how the disorder is put forward. I had looked in to this when I first got sober at 20, and when I read the criteria it was not me. I have been to see psych professionals (I was very curious about what was wrong with me as a young person), and was diagnosed as having GAD, substance use problem and once I was diagnosed as bi-polar by a doctor I did not return to see as he literally said I was based off of a form I filled out (even at 16 witj the issues I did have, I knew that was not how you diagnose someone and therefore I didnt trust that perspn). I know today had I believed them I would have been misdiagnosed, and put on medication that I did not need/would have had effects on me.
Anyways, jist wanted to say that maybe you suspected this but its not your fault alone you didnt know. Stats have suggested for a long time that add and adhd are disorders foound in boys/men predominantly bc we have defined the disorder based on how it presents in boys and men - therefor women who present in that way are more likely to be flagged. This is ALL medicine; its based largely on male presentation, and we treat women based on that info. So, just wanted to say that. Its amazing AT ALL that you figured this out for yourself and that you stood for yourself and got yourself tested. I bet a lot of women have no idea because how it presents in women, most do not know how to recognize it or not just conflate the behaviour as being part of being a woman (and we mask things hard bc there are social expectations that are gendered).
I am fricking proud of you & I deeply thank you for sharing tour experience bc it gave me the push I need also. Thank you!!! And wishing you some answers and even relief as you come to know this part of you.
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Thank you so much for your response! And great job talking to your doctor.
I did read today that ADHD symptoms are affected by hormonal changes and often get worse with peri menopause and menopause. I’m 48, so that could have something to do with it.
It definitely ties in with my depression and anxiety. And substance abuse. I’ve been beating myself up for so long for struggling with things that other people don’t struggle with.
I’m looking forward to learning more about it and talking about it in therapy.
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Thank you, I’m glad I did it too. And your respons made me very happy as well. Wishing you a great day 
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Yep, our brains might actually function the same way. My sister’s brain is very much the same also. WE do have to appreciate what we bring to the table. I have small kids at the house too (2 under 5) and i dont want to mess them up and i’m trying not to be my dad (who isn’t a bad father, never abused or beat us) but he exposed us to things kids should never see. It’s alot. As i’m unpacking my brain layer after layer, i’m beginning to understand myself more. Sometimes these talking sober journals help alot. I’ve been journaling for 22 years now but having someone answer my journals is very freeing. I dont mind the long message at all BECAUSE I’M THE SAME WAY. I’m a fast typer and it just comes out, it’s very therauptic!!
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I gotta follow the advice again too. Been in bed depressed 
I have to stay off social media because I feel I’m “missing out”, I know I’m not but that lonely feeling creeps in alot since I’ve been back. My daughter is at her dads and I’m just lost lol. I hate the peaks and valleys wish it was just a baseline of one emotion for now.
Hugs momma 
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Checking in day 12 
Hi all hope everybody is doing ok
Today was a much better day than yesterday got up this morning and went on a hike up to a place called mahon falls in co Waterford in Ireland absolutely lovely spot
Weather was smashing and had my partner son and niece along aswell really enjoyed it.
Came home and relaxed for a while before going soccer training and got on great aswell
Feels so good to be actually back participating in something after at least 12 years or a bit more
Iam off on a trip to tramore amusement park tomorrow with my partner son and niece again so iam sure it will be another great day.
Absolutely feel a million dollars today long may it continue goodnight all
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Checking in day 11 Today has been rough between lazy coworkers and broke down equipment. I was thinking I needed a beer but not going to do it. On the plus side its date night with the wife so the day should end on a good note hopefully
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Hang in there. Good on you passing on the brew and heading out with the wife Wishing you guys a beautoful night.
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Day 2: no shopping spree
Day 5: no grazing
Day 37: no credit cards
Day 725: no pills
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