Checking in
414 days no booze
32 days no tobacco
Today I got an unexpected day off from work, so as soon as my boy got on the schoolbus I grabbed my bag and my dog and we went on another adventure. This time we went to Waterdog lakes (about 10,200 ft). Caught three beautiful fish. Two got released and Apollo ate the third. We mostly just wandered around exploring. We had the whole area to ourselves and when Apollo barked you could hear it for miles. Just us and Mother Nature. She recharges my batteries and I believe being in hard to get to places is the only time Iām truly happy. Thereās also the fact that human is not the boss out there. If I fuck up I die, and thereās no shortage of ways to fuck up. Taking those risks excites me far more than my addictions did. When I was addicted I couldnāt do any of this, and when I attempted to I didnāt do it very well and couldāve died a few times.
Anyways, today was unexpected and awesome. I needed it. We spent about 7 hours up there and so much happened that I could write a book. So much to see, so much to hear, so much to think about. I love the wilderness and I can talk about it all day but Iām not going to. Itās sleepy time.
Happy Sober goodnight friends
Welcome Back Hidden.
Glad you found your way home.
Not been here much. Mum still in hospital. Moving house. Dog upset at all the activity. Life could be calmer. But hey, if I needed a willpower test to see if Iād give in to drink when stressed I passed with flying colours.
So, checking in sober. 
Thriving in some parts of life lately. Coincidence? 55 days of focused work on improving myself is showing. Is it too early to talk about Xmas? 1 of my milestones is to watch a lot of Indian Jones movies with my son around the 27th/28th he got really into the movies last year and I want to share that with him sober this year. Previous years Iād still be knee deep in beer ācelebratingā Christmas. This year Iām going clean and sober.
I appreciate Your energy; Thank You
19
Checking in, fully commited to sobriety, to freedom and shining bright 
Pretty tired and sore from all the cleaning I did yesterday. I didnāt eat a lot yesterday, as I was constantly on the move, so I caught up today and rested before work. The rest continued at work bc only 2 tables showed up. A nice boring day following yesterday. I should already be in bed so I can have more energy tomorrow 
Goodnight 
Day 88 
two days left in venice then back home . Love it here and its been ok being surrounded by wine and alcohol. There are alot of good alcohol free beers and cocktails, the waiters seem well use to then clearing away uneccessary wine glasses. I feel blessed to be here and sober. Have a good day sober fam.
Morning all, checking in on Day 6. Really tired as slept quite badly. Had that panic at 5am when I got woken by an adrenaline shot, so like when I had been drinking. The relief on realising I hadnāt was immense.
Think I am in a chronic fatigue dip so need to listen to my body, I pushed it too hard yesterday. I may sit in the garden instead of my morning walk. At least I am working from home today. I canāt do the gym later either as need to take daughter to football training (95% chance of rain apparently at that time, something to look forward to 
)
Day 249.
Iām exhausted, anxious, and beyond stressed. I woke up in a panic and been hiding in bed for the past hour. Iām having some sort of mental health crisis right now and I donāt know what to do.
Iām also on a tight deadline and I donāt wanna let my editors down.
Usually, when I felt like this historically I would drink myself into oblivion then wake up and pick up the pieces. But thatās not an option. Never again.
Thereās a moth in my room. I couldnāt bring myself to kill it. Poor thing is stuck here, just like me.
Hey, weāre sober twins, me too!
Congrats on your year and a half 
500, checking in.
Ugh, this situation youāre dealing with sounds incredibly frustrating! I am sorry things are like this for you right now. Please ignore if not helpful, but have you ever tried visualizing a āhappy place?ā A sort of meditative activity where you close your eyes and picture a place (real or imagined) where you can find your calm and get centered. My husband insisted I try doing this in crowded, noisy spaces when I would begin to have a panic attack. I was resistant for a long time but it has helped me. I also used this when I was dealing with agoraphobia related anxiety attacks. Mine was this meadow that we discovered on a backpacking trip in the high desert in Arizona. Itās a real sensory meditation and still helps me in those crisis moments. I can imagine how distressing it feels to not have space where you can feel real comfort and safety - being near your family and where your beginnings are doesnāt sound conducive to finding your calm and peace at all.
I hope you find a long term solution soon and can leave there. For the time being Iām sending strength and hugs to you as you endure the real challenges of just being where you are. Youāre a strong woman and youāve been through hard things before. You can get through this. 
Itās one of the best feelings, isnāt it! So glad youāre on track and doing well. I do hope your discomfort is temporary and your CF symptoms stay manageable.
Youāre doing great Julia
Morning check in day 24, 24 days sober, I canāt quite believe it, I am nowhere near out the woods yet, I still have regular cravings and my moods and anxiety swings like a pendulum but thatās just because Iām getting to know sober Michelle.
Feeling much better after being ill all weekend, we have booked a trip to Vienna at the start of December, me and my husband, mum and dad, brother and sister in law for the Christmas Markets, I need something to look forward to, and Iām going to put the money I would usually spend on alcohol and drugs away for the trip, Iāll get a fright seeing just how much money I wasted, it was never something I paid attention to.
Hope everyone has a great day/night
Day 1005
Feeling tired and anxious. Friday is my last day at the centre. At home everything will be the same. My heart rate is high, probably due to the adhd medication, my head makes over hours again. I had high hopes on this, tomorrow Iāll speak the doctor. Thatās one of the diagnoses, cognitive Iām fine but my thinking speed is way to high.
I have lived a life full of quick fixes, I know there is no quick fix for what I have to go through. Worked a lot on emotions this weak it was hard to feel happiness and express it. I guess I have never really felt that. I have been one big kameleon, always adjusting always adapting, no clue who Iām. Negative self talk is creeping in, just my addiction trying to find a way in. It wants me down, itās no longer an option so telling it to shut up. But it is persistent at the moment. Feeling alone doesnāt help, but I know I have to do it, no one else will do it for me.
My parents sold the house I grew up in. They are moving out to an apartment. The feeling that no one again will understand my feeling around this. Like something with big secrets will be gone. I always have the feeling that my father knows more, like I suffer from some kind of family trauma. Some months ago my mother said, when I said I donāt know my own father, I feel the same. How bizar that was, never had any discussion with him or learned any life lessons from him. He just says whatās in the past is the past, I only saw him cry ones. That was when I challenged him while drunk, and shouted if he knows more or did something to me as a kid (or knows who did). Suddenly he bursted briefly, I felt his pain right then.
I know Iām not gonna change my family, that hurts. But I have to find ways of dealing with it and feel compassion. Did an ancestral meditation before sleep yesterday. Sometimes I think it was better if they died while I was younger, now I stayed long at home to somehow protect my mother against my father and brother. It was never my task of course. First time I put this down, maybe not the right place. But I started it here, so Iāll leave it for now.
Didnāt want to ramble, but I geus it became one.
Much love
Glad you are feeling better from your bug. Sorry your going through all the feels. Hate when our body gets worn down being sick and then our mental health takes a hit! Keep getting to know sober Michelle. I think youāll like her, I know I do!
So happy you all got a trip planned. It sounds like it will be a lovely time and great to have something to look forward to!! Youāll have a nice little chunk of money to bring with you! I hate looking back on the amount of money I spent on boozeā¦ I would have much less debt, but can only move forward so I try not to dwell on the financial part of the addiction.
Keep racking up those numbers sober buddy!!! 
First time checking inā¦still alive