Day 252.
Greetings from nervous breakdown land!
Actually, today I’m feeling a bit better. I was up working until 1 am (fun times), but went to sleep without setting any alarms.
Next week is gonna be the most challenging in my beaurocratic journey. But for now, I really gotta focus on getting my work done. Whatever happens. Happens.
On the bright side, I worked out the numbers and next month I should have enough for a new phone. I haven’t had a new phone in nearly 4 years. So that’s exciting.
Still sober…n haven’t used
Tomorrow makes 2wks
Had eleven days, beautiful Sober days…now on day one again. Checking in.
I was all good and actually a few things happened (no excuses) the car literally broke and wouldn’t start, so I missed yoga and missed a Friday night gym workout… my partner mentioned wine several times and so did a neighbour who joined us staring into the open bonnet of the car. Like, oh well; get a glass of wine, it’s Friday.
I think my subconscious self had already give in a few hours earlier at the first mention of it. So going down the high street to the garage to get a micro fuse led to supermarket stop…
Both me and the car still broken.
Day 1008,
Overthinking , thinking, slept out, still in bed. Late evening sporting and release from treatment kept me awake.
Negative thinking seems to be my nature 
. Self pity that I had to go to such a centre etc. Now trying to focus on the positive. Without going there I wouldn’t have known that the adhd is at the centre of things. A total chaotic and impulsive life in which the booze took the role of self-medication. Very vulnerable for trauma. My trauma’s are still there but I see things a tiny bit brighter. It’s gonna be hard work. I just have to figure out what the role of AA/NA is in all of this. From others I know it’s tricky to work the steps with a lot of trauma. I have that experience so far, it really pushes me in if we discuss the steps so far. My sponsor only doesn’t seem to listen when I express my concerns about it. And just keeps coming back with one liners. Just work the steps etc. Triggering my never feeling heard button. I feel the need to set my boundary there. Any suggestions or experience on this are welcome.
Greetz 
Day 47.
Meeting this morning and grocery shopping and do something productive around my apartment. Hope everyone has a good day 
Thank you so much!
Ahhhhh, I am sorry to hear that. Glad you came straight back on. The subconscious was what did it for me last time too. How are you feeling?
Down. Fed up. Hateful. Feel like I would do a better job of being sober alone by myself! 
Checking in 28 days AF… 4 weeks… 30 days in my sights! 
Can’t believe it!
Couple phone chats and ripping out then fixing our flower beds is about all I have on the agenda today. Nothing too exciting happening in my world! Except sobriety, that’s happening and exciting! Lol
@DanaM56 that wasn’t very kind of your friend. Especially considering you’re there helping her out. Hard to not feel like she had it all there and pointed it out in hopes you would drink and she could do a “ha gotcha Dana isn’t sober!”
As far as this, YOU would know. And you’re the only one that has to go to bed with your truth. 
hang in there. Hope the rest of house sitting is uneventful! So close to triple digits, don’t let everything get your head in a blender!
@Hidden sorry it’s been an emotional couple days! You’re in such a tough situation. Glad you were able to stay sober and create some nice memories. So much better than being drunk and being left with awful memories of those final couple days. Wishing you peace friend! Hang in there and keep going!!! 
@Just_Laura you’ve had quite a week, I’m not surprised your feet are feeling it! I hope you got some great rest and head into the weekend with some recharged batteries!
@JennyH oh Jenny. I’m glad you’re in a place where this doesn’t get to you. Also happy you are able to look at the situation and say glad that’s not me. 
vacuum and make some noisy smoothies when you wake up! 
I kid, enjoy your peaceful hangover free morning! Then make your husband wash your bed sheets for you so they don’t smell like his drunk sweat when you go back to bed tonight. Lol
@Amy30 I’m here in nervous breakdown land to deliver you more virtual hugs friend! 
I’m sorry the paperwork bullshit continues!! Hope you got some much needed restful sleep after working late. But yaaay for new phone. Glad you have a new thing to work toward! Hang in there beautiful!
@Tragicfarinelli sorry about the car! As you climb back on the wagon, I would recommend having a conversation with your partner about this and how repeatedly mentioning wine does not help you maintain your sobriety. Best wishes on day 1. You can do this!!!
@Rob11 stay focused on your sobriety and give yourself some time to get your footing after coming out of treatment. Be patient with yourself friend, that’s a huge change in your life and day to day. If you don’t feel like your sponsor hears you or like they aren’t a good fit, I would recommend trying to connect with a new sponsor.
Happy Sober Saturday TS fam!
1568
Hey all, checking in on day 1196. I hope everybody has a good one!
2 days no form or any type of marijuana
136 no drinking
67 no vapes or cigs
God is good
Talked to a old friend yesterday
He told me I’m not the same person I was in 2017 and he was completely heart filled. He also changed for the better for a fact.
We used to live together kind of. I remember bumming cigs off of him and I’m sure he remembers counting his lighter flicks to save lighters longer. He has sence grown so much. He is very spiritual sence 2017
I’ve grown because I remember myself in a messy room, in a messy lifestyle, working just to drink alcohol. I remember helping build a porch with a staircase while drinking on the job, just so I could drink that day. No pay, just booze.
That quite a while ago
Let’s all keep growing
Day 8
Feeling better and taking it slowly.
T.
Checking in on day 73. Had a dream last night that I was trying to get to my car parked far away across a field. As I walked toward the car,the field began to slope up into a challenging hill. As I walked up the hill,the ground began to change into soft mud. Each step became a grueling task of sinking up to my knees , pulling each leg out, and taking another sinking step. I reached the rear wheel of my car and began to free myself from the mud again and then woke up. Perhaps the dream is a metaphor. Things change and shift all the time, and sometimes it’s a slog and it takes determination to get through, but we keep going. We just keep going…
Really sorry, it does sound really tough. I don’t think I would have got through Thursday if I had people mentioning wine.
Im sorry to hear about ur slip. Im glad ur back tho and not giving up 
Morning Check In
Day 587
Today, even though i felt completely disconnected to my HP, i prayed on my way to work. It was a very distracted prayer but I still tried. I managed to get to work on time since there was no interruptions to the train/bus. So at least my day started off well.
I also managed to pay off my credit card today!!! Im honestly really proud of myself. Financial stuff has never been my expertise and Ive never been good at saving or paying things off. But i finally paid off my credit card. Ive been working on this since February. Now i just have to pay off my overdraft which i will do in October. This is all thanks to recovery! I would have never been able to get my financial stuff straightened out if i was using.
Not much else to report right now. Just going to work my shift and then head home to my family. Much love to u all 
an element of my addiction cycle included manic delusions of grandiosity swiftly descending into masochistic despair and back again. it has been a very dramatic decade, to say the least. as i near the 2 week mark of my dedicated alcohol-free lifestyle, i notice this pattern coming up in a different way. the lows are not AS despairing, and the highs are not AS grandiose. these opposites seem to oscillate around a friendly hum of “life is a tough job”.
rather than saying “life is hell and i want to drink and die”, or on the other end saying “life is a rainbow fairytale and i am God”, i’d like to huddle more around the zen center. i know oscillations are a part of nature, but i’d just rather not fluctuate so strongly anymore. be more steady. gain momentum in a direction. i believe without alcohol i will be able to do that - or at least, that is one of my intentions with sobriety.
Checking in.
Have been to my familiar women’s meeting and feeling good. I am grateful for this meeting. I am grateful for all the lovely people there. I am grateful I can go there. Also I am grateful I met someone from another meeting before that.
