You just made me chuckle. Thank you for that 
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Itās actually not that hard, just takes a little time but makes a gal feel accomplished. And better than grocery store crap.
Give it a go girl 
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Thank u for ur honesty Mike. Im sure that feels 100x better getting that off ur chest. Im glad u felt safe here to do that. But Im sooo sorry to hear about ur relapse. Dont let this slip bring u down. I know thats easier said than done but u gotta pull urself up and keep trying friend. U have had good clean time before and u CAN do it again. Thinking of u and wishing u strength. Hugs!
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my next appointment isnāt until November 15th, Iāll bring it up though
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This breaks my heart. Everyone makes mistakes man donāt beat yourself up about it. The most important thing is that youāve realized and addressed this. You want to make a change and I have no doubt in my mind youāll get through this. Rehab was not for nothing. Addiction is a shitty disease but youāve got to stay strong and dig deeper about why you went back and used when you swore you wouldnāt. Did something happen? Are you still having cravings?
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Sober day 12.
Good day except a now worsening headache.
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Bro you get back up and try againā¦ listen to some David fuckin Goggins, heāll make you feel like you can conquer the world.
Youāve been on this journey here since I was 100 days sober, youāve fought like hell and had ups and downsā¦ keep going, you know you donāt like the life in active addiction so fight. You donāt need to know about college, whether itās right or not isnāt relevant, itās part of your path now. Walk your path and live your truth. Iām always here for you bro, reach out anytime you got my digits.
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I hear what youāre saying Mike.
I feel that toxic shame beating the hell out of ya. Itās almost a bigger beast than the addiction itself. Fuck. Iām so sorry my friend. Whether you like it or not, you are my friend. And I love you man. We all fucking love you. Your girls love you. Your mom loves you. You are so fucking loved. Why? You just are. Your a beautiful person with a beautiful soul. You just are 
Sending you prayers. Strength, positive vibes. Anything can I muster up. Hang in with us buddy.
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Day 27. Long stretch til I reach my 1st goal of 90 days but Iām excited. For the 1st time in a few years Iām looking forward to the food menu at the bonfireās coming up for Fall.
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Hi Mike,
Im so sorry for what youre going through. Know this; the shame you are feeling rught now is partly just your disease tryinf to keep you down. Its that voice inside that goes all or nothing, and it tells you youre a failure and fuck up.
You fuckdd up. It does happen, but imagine handling yourself without shame (sonething I am still learning). This sober/non-drinking gig is a long haul thing, and I know I havent been on here that long but it doesnt sound like all you do is piss and whine; and nothing else. Take this fall for what it is and has the potential to be. An opportunity, to see what hasnt been workinf and where still needs some work and keep fine tuning that baby till she runs smooth. We all want an absolute answer of how to get sober and stay that way, but the truth is we all gotta navigate it and figure out who we are while figuring out how we can best do this. If there was one sure thing, weād all be doing it. Its like, youre a dad so maybe this one will land, when the kids arent sleeping or the baby like you just cannot figure out how to get them to go to sleep but youre nose is toooooo close to the darn problem to see, but you pivot. You pivot. You try this thing and that, and suddenly you found a routine or whatever that lands just right. It takes effort, problem solving and love, but then when it clicks it clicks and they off to sleep and youre wondering how the hell you didnt rhink of that in the first damn place.
For now, keep it simple. One day at a time. What are the triggers and what are the tools you missing in that tool belt you maybe didnt even know you needed? There is no shame. Take it easy on yourself and know part of you is still tryinf to bury some shit, that part of you thats using is trying to help you cope the best way it knows how, even if its the wrong fucking answer. Take care of that part of you, show it the love you show your girls, and hang the hell on. We all believe in you. Weāre all here and hope nothing I said landed too wrong. Thinking of you budd xo.
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Listen to @TrustyBird
I couldnāt do rehab
I couldnāt complete a program
But you have and I think bird has too
You have struggled a long time
You took out loans for school
Use them for school
Yes addiction is extremely progressive especially if you donāt come back to sobriety
Sobriety is worth it
Addiction sucks
No question it does
It tricks you
Please come back to sobriety
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I have 93 days I want Wild Boar ravioli. Do you think I can substitute an out of control pig?
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Oh Mike ā You are a great father and beautiful soul! You are not a failure! I know you were working the tools and making amazing progress. Do not let the lapse define you my friend. It happened and you can recover from it.
I feel like your home town has a lot of triggers for you and it also where scoring is easily available for you. I know this past month has been stressful with school, not being with your girls, getting your own living quarters. I do hope you are able to get yourself to the meetings and stay connected here as without connections we do fall prey to our addiction.
My dear friend. please reach out for help in real life and stay here with us 
Your girls love you and I do know how much you care for them. I am sending you strength and love
We got your back Mike!! Some really great advice here for you and as you can see - you are loved and cared for. Donāt stop believing in yourself - keep fighting for your addiction free lifestyle.
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@mira_d Glad you had a laugh attack love. Grateful that you were able to figure this out before it caused any issues.
@selflove_42 that looks like a delicious meal and a lovely idea to celebrate your achievements every 25 days. YES I am in total agreement that you should treat yourself and celebrate your wins!
@juli1 A lot of work moving and getting new place ready. Do take time to rest and try not to get everything done right away. You are a badass rockstar! Rental cat ā I so love this ā Iām sure the cat will warm up to you in no time.
@wakikki Grateful that work went well ā yes, be aware to not overwork yourself. Do hope you get that gastro appointment soon. It was an interesting ending (kinda feel like its not really over) ā really feel like they are setting up for the spin offs and will keep the story line going.
@frank68 welcome back to the forum Frank. Grateful that you are back with us and working on your sobriety. hoping all goes well with your doctor and your sponsor. I personally find that being consistently engaged here (especially the check in thread) has been helpful in keeping me on the sober path. Hope to see you around
@amy30 no judgment love- we need to splurge on ourselves every once in a while. I am not a shopper but do enjoy retail therapy from time to time. We all have our own ways of grieving ā if shopping helps then so be it.
@happyfeet 80 days! I can understand the mentality not jiving with the achievement but give it time ā it will. You are doing a fantastic job and I see your full of life smile on the selfie thread ā keep pushing forward Anne! ODAAT
@chuckie22 OH wow ā these look amazing. I have always wanted to make Gnocchi but found it too time consuming ā you go on with your bad self. Hope you and hubby enjoyed 
Checking in on Tuesday eveningā¦
Got everything done at the house - house is now officially on the rental market yet again. Hope this set of tenants will be good (my last set were decent enough - i did get lucky).
I was able to take a nap and get a lot of errands accomplished today.
Did get to enjoy coffee in am and lunch with mom. Grateful for another day in the books of being addiction free. Sending you all much love
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Day 29:
Not much to check-in about when youāre home all day in bed with Covid. I did sleep a little better last night so that was a good thing. Still not feeling great, but can tell things are headed in the right direction. Going to stay home from work one more day then try to go back on Thursday.
A friend dropped off some yummy chicken noodle soup today and my mom brought me jam and milk. The only thing Iāve been eating is toast with peanut butter and jam chased with a glass of milk, helps my stomach with all the meds. The soup was a welcomed change. Thankful for good friends and a loving mom. Mom, even bought the good jam, Iām a bit of a jam snob! 
Grateful for 29 sober days and my renewed dedication to sobriety. Fingers crossed for some good sleep and hopefully feeling better tomorrow.
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244
I didnāt leave my house today. Most days I feel like I have to go out and do something, anything, just to get away, but not today. Strange for me, but I was content. Lazy morning while watching a horror flick.
Then my daughter got home from school. We finally got to play our flutes together. I played for 7 years and quit, 20 years ago. I canāt believe Iāve forgotten it all! I 100% cannot read music anymore. But the fun lies in learning together. I set a timer for her everyday for practicing. She normally drags through it. Today we went back and forth and she taught me what sheās learned, which is a lot in just a few weeks. When the timer went off she said āAlready?! That went by fast bc it was fun!ā Then she asked if she could practice more! Likeā¦of course! Silly girl. It was nice 
After dinner I got into a cleaning spree. Those always hit me at the weirdest times. I finally started on my room. Damn itās dusty! I wouldāve kept going but my daughter had to go to bed. Hopefully the urge is still around tomorrow 
Now Iām just finishing up my 2nd horror film of the day. 'Tis the season 
Have a good night everyone!
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Full disclosure here, I donāt want to take credit where credit is not due, I have not worked a program. But @Mindofsobermike has. He knows what to do next. Come back to us Mike.
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Sorry that this happened and glad that you feel the remorse that you do. Like so many have said you are a wonderful person and are loved by many and need to figure out some way to see your own value and to love yourself.
When I was reading it, I was thinking what the high chance was of you possibly getting some thing that could kill you.
That would take you away from your girls. I know you would not want to leave them without a father. When you buy that stuff and you use it thatās a chance that youāre taking each time. Is that acceptable to you?
I doubt that it is, and maybe that one question or chance might be enough to keep you from doing it again.
I am sorry that youāre feeling so much is futile in your life. As I say, you make a lot of steps forward and then some backwards.
I hope youāre able to get involved with some kind of help for your mental health to help you think more about yourself. Not just the fact that you relapsed.
You do all of the right things. And you have had a sparkle in your eyes.
You are an addict and you let it take control of you. No should always be the answer. Lots of people here to help you and I think also around you, try to get back where you were with the idea of never ever ever using it again.
You used, it ended up making you feel mentally bad, costing you lots of money and disrupting your life.
Not the end of the world. Although it couldāve been. And you have your girls and you have all these other people who love you and want you sticking around.
Hopefully you can find something that gives you good feelings about yourself and what youāre doing.
Donāt be too hard on yourself for what happened. Thatās done and now itās in your past. Now itās the time to go forward.
Big hugs.
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