Day 1879
There is a man here daily outside my shop. He has a big AA sign tattooed at his hand. Heās not doing ok mentally. Sometimes he is just standing and staring, sometimes heās walking up and down the road talking to himself. I heared from another store heās France, he says heās here for a holiday.
I see him eating and drinking. I do not know if he buys it ore people donate it. Yesterday he came in my store and stood for a while just staring. He gave me the creeps and made me sad as well. I was busy helping a customer otherwise I would have tried to talk to him (my French doesnāt come further then yes ore no in it).
Why I want to share this here? Because life is a bunch of choises good ore bad. Itās also what lifeās gives you on your plate and your capability in how to deal with this. Where you where born, what kind of parents you had and who you choose to be your friends if you have any. In some things we can choose, but in many we canāt. But all together that makes a person.
It makes me not different then this French guy and still we areā¦
So another day arrives and another day marks the longest itās been since Iāve had a drink in over 2 years. I had a good nights sleep last night (thank fuck), itās been a while since I slept so deeply without a solid blackout amount of alcohol. Itās taking much less time to get out of bed as well, at one point Iād lay there for an hour just preparing myself to face the day.
Iām going to head out for a coffee again this morning and read some of the big book and write another chapter of the book Iām writing - Itās all very therapeutic and that!
Dad messaged me yesterday and said āIām really pleased you seem to be turning a corner xā which properly got me in the feels. Heās not a very emotional man; very direct, dry sense of humour but compassionate in his own way. Heās been trying to tell me for years that alcoholism is a disease and I am very sick and need help but in the thick of it, did I listen? Did I fuck. I didnāt believe it last time I got sober either, sober has always meant āNot drinkingā to me - (I might have read that in the big book but applied it to myself but itās definitely true). We have a good relationship but he hated my drinking with a passion. I mean, his anger at my drinking was measurable on the Richter scale - Iām sure thereās a few fellows on here who can relate to that.
Did anyone find that when they stopped drinking, the actual issues they had resurfaced? Iām finding my issues arenāt really that big - most of them are temporary and easily fixable and my drinking seems to be simply because Iām an alcoholic. I feel pretty lucky that that is the case; almost as if itās just a chemical I donāt agree with.
I think my posts have all been a bit serious the last few times but donāt worry normal service, the odd bit of humour and the occasional āfuck/shit/bollocks/wankā will resume shortly
Iāve been procrastinating about the step work and wondering āHow long is this going to take?ā (naturally me being a problem solver, I donāt want it to take years despite knowing that you canāt rush them). My sponsor told me āWe donāt get better to work the steps; we work the steps to get betterā and feels itās important for me to get to work on them immediately and not hang about. I like his attitude! And he reminds me of Paul Hollywood which just makes me think he bakes a mean Stollen loaf.
Even if there are no other issues behind your alcoholism, thereās still a life to build without drinking. And to do that good and right and successfully and meaningful I feel doing the steps can be very helpful.
One thing addicts donāt understand is that living a good life takes work. Lots of it and for the rest of our lives. I think doing the steps helps with doing that work.
And this is coming from someone who didnāt do the steps, has some serious issues behind my addictions and works on those in therapy. Works for me because I do the work. And keep doing it.
Oh man. I hope the doctor can help you figure that out. No benefit outweighs not getting to sleep!! Yes TGIF & good on you advocating for yourself here xo
I dont get to just do it once and its done forever. There fixed! I gotta maintain it, clean it in some ways daily, bigger cleans weekly & then you know those spring & fall cleans and spending time sorting through everuthing we store in the basement Its never ending cause we live here, and its not even like i clean so that its ācleanā (2 kids hi) i clean so it isnt disgusting! Lol.
Anyway, not sure if this helps but I totally get the ālets get on with itā business. I got through the steps my first time when i was 21 and i didnt understand people who said go round and round them.
I will say this: i have never heard anyone regret or say their sorry they threw themselves in the steps. Step 4 really catches people up, its a lot, but you wont be sorry you did it. And if AA & the steps arent for some, theres all kinds of others ways we can work on ours (the daily maintaining, the deep cleans and you know the emergency bucket mop situation when the sump pump starts acting up).
Miss you, friend. Hope youāre hanging in there and finding moments to yourself to just breathe. Even 30 seconds at a time help. Use those bathroom breaks wisely Sending hugs.
I was wondering how often you workout at night? It could be part of why youāre having trouble sleeping. Iāve found I canāt workout after 7pm if I want to make it to bed by a reasonable hour. Just a thought
Sending hugs. 
