Welcome back @maxwell and stick around. You belong here as much as anyone else!
Day 1867
It hit me yesterday when I read that Mathew Perry passed away. I read his book about his struggles with alcohol and drugs. His body has had a lot of damage because of it.
Itās sadā¦
I hope a lot of people are going to read his book. I hope a lot of people decide itās enough for them too. He opened up about his struggles and I know for sure that he has helped more people then he knows.
Up early. Need to to see my GP for a physical check, but hope to have just a little bit of time to talk my mental health too. Things arenāt great. Work was relatively quiet last night, no real problems, people were nice enough, I had some good talks.
Still afterwards on my commute home I felt deflated, dejected, defeated, exhausted, depressed. Empty. Alone and lonely. I donāt know. I need something but I donāt know exactly what yet. Or do I? Itās not alcohol or drugs. That ships have sailed. I have a hunch it has to do with connection. Connection outside of my work, but in my real physical life.
Iāve got some great friends online, friends who I love dearly and who love me loads as well, but I need some connection here, in this town of mine. I have to be able to see and touch the person Iām talking to at times. Itās one thing I havenāt managed to do in 1605 days of sobriety and I need to start doing it now or Iāll fucking kill myself someday.
So. I need to spend less time online, and more in real life. Iām fully intended on checking in here daily. And I love being a moderator here too. Wonāt be giving that up any time soon. But otherwise I got to find ways to meet people outside of my own phone and PC. And spend less time here and on the internet in general. Sober and clean. Have as good a day as you all can friends. Love from Amsterdam.
Today I actually managed to wake up at 8, which makes for a nice change from my usual 10-11. Itās the first day Iām actually feeling kinda sorta ok in a while. So Iām just gonna roll with it and get some shit done. Monday is usually my domestic day, but the flat looks clean enough and my poor husband is ill in bed so the last thing he needs is me walking around him with the hoover. Instead, Iāll get some work and shopping done. Maybe cook later. I havenāt actually cooked in ages.
I live near Cambridge in UK - I bet I could fly to Amsterdam quicker than you could drive
Once Iāve got some more time under my belt, Iām planning on doing some more travelling again. I think I may well come to Netherlands again. I havenāt been there for 10 years. Iām also planning to get my drivers license so maybe if I can, Iāll make it a thing to drive over there. Itāll probably only take about 6 hrs to drive it!
Would love that Mischa! Public transport might be a better option to get here though, parking your car in town will cost you a fortune. Rooting for your exam!
Woke up relatively late again. Trying to change that habit and making a start with some morning routine. Will be a though one. Meeting was fine yesterday evening, but a lot of triggers in the shares. One guy tried to kill himself last Friday, good that he shared it but it was getting to me yesterday just like other stories as I mentioned yesterday. Donāt know were this world is heading to, but I have to change that thinking too. Keeping it at ODAAT if I think otherwise it gets overwhelming pretty soon. Some appointments with therapists this week, one with the treatment centre to discuss the results of some tests they did. Itās descriptive, so not like you have this and this, more this happened and let toā¦.,Another with my re-integration coach. Now going to the gym and have some lunch there too, after that some cooking, writing it down here for accountability. Since I really need to pick that up.
@Mno touch is so underrated in nowadays society. Did the first year of a haptonomie course (donāt know the English word) a few years ago, which is based on it. For now a virtual hug
I am checking for day 419. Still can not believe it.
I have overtaken several milestones like being in a weeding, social dinners, going to football pitch, etc. all of them without alcohol.
Still remains going out with friends. I think I am ready but it is hard to answer the awful question, āwhy do not you drink?ā.
I am very happy and, at this moment, I do not want to deal with temptation. Being sober is very very worthwhile.
I so hear you @Mno,
especially working in a social job is exhausting at times. You have so much to give Mennno but you have to take care of yourself as well.
Iām working as a nurse too and I have my adult sons close by and my dad too. Heās fine and doesnāt need extra support yet but heās living alone too since my mum died 13 years ago at the age of 59 and he love to have my company and I feel forced to look after him although he would never expect it.
So I am sometimes feel deflated and exhausted and just want to sit on my sofa and donāt want to talk at all. And to be honest I take some days off of family
But after all I donāt have much of a social life too. Itās all work and family and sleep and repeat. I really have to focus on that as I guess it is unhealthy in a way.
So I hope you can get in touch with people and make friends in your beautiful town.
And who knows maybe some day we do a TS real life meeting in Amsterdam with @Mischa84 and @DresdenLaPage .
@HoofHearted and I had lunch in Seattle a few years ago. @Jowieseff and I went and played guitars for hours in Guitar Centre in LA ā¦ Thereās no reason I canāt do a hop to āDam in the future
I hear you. Oddly enough, I spend a lot of time with people, my students, my kids, family in law. But I hang out with an actual āfriendā maybe once every two months. And it is often a quick catch up and then finished for the next month or two. In the end, not much depth. Making friends as an adult is hard. People are busy, real connection hard to foster. Anyway, didnāt mean to make it about myself. Good luck getting out there and finding your people.
