day 626 of no self harm. TW for emotional/physical abuse and disordered eating
my mom and sister had a really bad argument today. exactly how my mom and I used to argue before I lost all hope of trying to reason with her. I’ve been thinking that she’s a narcissist lately. everything is about her and she’s so manipulative and gaslights people. it’s emotional abuse essentially. my sister was so upset, i get so scared when she’s upset because i don’t want her to end up like me. I’d do anything to stop that.
i realized I probably have PTSD. with my post yesterday and how often I dissociate it got me thinking. I’ve neber known a safe environment. I’m just tired of walking on eggshells. my dad occasionally got physically aggressive when I was a kid. he never beat me but he would drag me to my room by my arms and leave marks. and even though he never did anything life threatening I did fear for my life many times. he can be frightening. my mom has never been someone I can trust or talk to. I’m just so tired. I just want to rest without having to worry. i can’t even cry in my own bedroom because if my mom heard or found out she would be mad or say I have nothing to be upset about.
i don’t know. i haven’t been eating much again. to the point I woke up in the middle of the night with hunger pains so bad I wanted to scream. and even then I continued to try to google ways that I could fix them without eating. and then Thanksgiving is coming up which is a big trigger for my eating issues.
at this point I’m here for my sister. i just want to make things as good as they can be for my sister but I think I’ve mostly given up on myself
Sober day 2. Anxiety is bad but otherwise feeling okay. Except for conjunctivitis in both eyes that is not responding to antibiotic eye drops. That can FRO.
Bought pretty new yarn to crochet a scarf for my friend. So it’s a quiet Saturday evening watching college football and crocheting.
Checking in today. I’ll make a to-do-list straight after this, and note some relapse prevention plans to help better deal with not just future cravings but their root causes.
Yesterday was a busy day, but definitely a good day. I made it to the gym in the morning for the 5th day in a row, slowly getting back into the groove. Work wasn’t bad at all, pretty easy for a Friday. Went to the Utah Jazz game last night with my daughter and a friend. We had a great time, ate too much junk food and enjoyed a really good game that the Jazz unfortunately lost. Love spending time with my daughter, she is a huge Lauri Markkanen, Finnish basketball player who plays for the Jazz, so she was completely into the game! So fun being with her!
Slept uncommonly great last night, woke up at 9:30! Had my coffee and some delicious avocado and cottage cheese toast with pepitas, so good! Trying to take advantage of the lack of snow here in Utah so far this year so went on a hike with a friend this morning. Came home, watched some football, got a good workout in and now I’m preparing my grocery list as Thanksgiving dinner is suddenly going to be at my house. Honestly I love having it at my home, but a little more notice would have been great, oh well!
Got caught up on all my reading on here, seems like there are a lot of people struggling, hang in there, good times ebb and flow. Successfully managing the lows makes the highs even that more rewarding.
Back home and made it with good time. The weather held the rest of the way making it a smooth drive.
I’m doing okay, but I know a wave is going to come crashing down at some point, followed by a tsunami.
I’m taking it day by day and finding myself becoming more and more grateful for what I have around me and feeling an urge to start being a more physically healthy version of me.
Glad that I have tomorrow to unwind before the work week restarts.
That voice is annoying and yet powerful for sure. There seem to be two ways to deal with it. One is to fight it, many people give it a name ‘the wine witch’ etc and argue with it. It works for some. Personally, I found engaging with the voice (even mentally) kinda gave it more power. I would just notice the voice, and move on. A bit like if you have small child who wants more dessert after dinner, arguing and rationalising just aggravates the situation. Just say “I hear you, but you are not getting any” (dessert for the imaginary child, booze or drugs for yourself). And by the way, those thoughts popping up doesn’t mean you are failing. Thoughts pop up, it is what you DO that is important.
I can understand feeling left out. I permanently feel like I am on the outskirts of every ‘group’ I am in. I think it is more about what is going on in my head that the group. Maybe it is the same for you? If you have something in common then you can be in the group. That is all. And you don’t look ‘rough’ at all. You are lovely looking, and certainly now have a wonderful peace in your eyes.
My workweek starts here. It’s early but I feel OK, even though switching from late to early shifts is not the greatest. And I feel it gets harder as my years advance. It’s easier than when I drank though. Life may be still tough but drinking made it endlessly worse.
It’s getting harder to imagine me sitting here, having my coffee with alcohol still on my breath and running around my system. Writing it down I actually do remember. What a total shitty feeling that was. Never again. Have as good a day as you can all friends. Sober and clean. Love form my little square.
@Mno - You painted such a familiar picture in my mind as I read your post. It made my skin crawl in disgust of that shitty feeling, and I’m grateful for that Grateful that I know I don’t ever have to feel that way again. Thank you
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I slept in til 9:20! I was still feeling sick? tired? idk, so I binged a show all afternoon lying on the couch. Work was a major shitshow. GM was out and our manager dropped the ball, as usual. The kitchen started suffering and then it just snowballed. Everyone waiting an hour for their food. People walking out bc it took too long. After a fight in the kitchen with the chef, our manager disappeared to her office to hide. She brought it on herself. My tables were understanding and I had a great night, tho stressful.
I almost said no to going out with the gang, but after I was able to sit and eat for a few minutes, I felt sooo much better and said ‘fuck it, why not? I don’t have anything to do til 7pm tomorrow’. I’m glad I did. My 5 years sober friend came too so that was nice. She’s been seeing a new man so we haven’t gotten together in a while. It felt like I needed some more human interaction. Now that I’m only working 2-4 days a week, I have so much more solitary time. I do enjoy it, but sometimes enough is enough.
Anyway, I’ve been in a great mood since. It’s really late now so I should wind down in hopes to get anything done tomorrow. But if I don’t, that’s okay too. Hope everyone has a great Sunday 🩷
Morning, checking in on Day 66. I am so proud of myself, it has been a crazy emotional week and I have protected my sobriety.
My husband and I are both a little raw still but helping each other through the fallout of yesterday (fallout with friends, not each other). The group meant more to him than me so I am trying to be there for him. Breakups, ends are hard. Unfortunately my daughter also needs to be protected in all this, quite draining on me but I think she needs to be prioritised.
I always think of my children as having a heart that needs to be topped up with love by us. My son has always been fairly easy to do that with, but my daughter’s heart is huge so takes a lot to keep full. She has so many wonderful qualities because of it, but I sometimes feel like I could offer complete attention and it still wouldn’t top her up. She just likes, needs me around still. She was always like this and settling her in to nursery and school took careful management, a lot of understanding and patience. But…once she felt secure she flew and is very independent. She didn’t have the later wobbles that some of her peers did. That is my hope with her in the longer term too. I just need to also find downtime myself, I am becoming more introverted by the day
Sorry for going on, it feels good to get it out. I have another day of love bombing ahead and nice to focus on why.
Have a lovely sober day everyone, thank you for being my safe place
I was up at a little bit after 4:00 a.m. I have been, i guess sober me likes to be up before the sun. I’m heading into day 8 and it feels so great. So glad I didn’t relapse yesterday and I’m mad I even went that far into a plan to get pills, but I’m moving forward. I’m going to stay sober for today and I’ll worry about the rest when it gets here. Have a slammin Sunday everyone!!!
Just checking in. I’ve debated at length, listened to multiple reports that you shouldn’t reset your counter with a relapse. That it’s like falling on your 5th mile running, and people carrying your back to mile 1. Your not starting over, you just stumbled. i’ve had 3 falls this week. I feel emotionally spent, i just journaled the longest post of my life on my accountability blog on TS, i just let it all go. Everything i was feeling about myself, step by step everything that happened. I had to get it off of me, it was like poison burning me from the inside.
Grateful that I know I don’t ever have to feel that way again. Thank you 
I have been, i guess sober me likes to be up before the sun. I’m heading into day 8 and it feels so great. So glad I didn’t relapse yesterday and I’m mad I even went that far into a plan to get pills, but I’m moving forward. I’m going to stay sober for today and I’ll worry about the rest when it gets here. Have a slammin Sunday everyone!!!