Reading this thread makes me feel so grounded, I will definitely make it a habit.
I’m surprised that there is still some power left in me to fight against accepting the reality. I feel so tired and defeated, yet I cannot let things go. With my anger, pain and overthinking I just cling to the past. I really need to surrender, but I don’t seem to see anything on the other side. This part of grieving seems to be similar to the process of sobriety in some ways and that helps, that’s something I’m familiar with.
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Evening check in. I just called my sister to check in since our last conversation involved her drunkenly hanging up on me. I wanted to smooth our road to Thanksgiving. We just got off the phone and not only does she not remember our last conversation but she was drunk again.
Onward! The road of drinking leads to sadness forgetfulness repeat. No thanks.
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Good morning folks 
Got a house inspection later today, for which I’ll be taking off work an hour early.
I had a pretty realistic and interesting dream about being a psychologist last night… I’m only into maybe a year of studying the bachelor, have had a few months break and it wasn’t really on my mind so it’s a bit out of the blue…
First I noticed some kids playing with some toy cars on the floor and replaying some sort of accident that likely traumatized them and they must’ve still been trying to process, and then their father, a middle aged man wearing a beige suit came, shortly joined them, completely dismissing what they were playing about as if it had just been an interesting experience, before sitting on a couch with me just wanting to know what psychologists even do and what others might offer. I explained that each may do things differently and was thinking about bringing up what the kids were playing about as he’d seemed unphased…
Interestingly, I wasn’t anxious of the responsibility as my current amateur self might expect.
Although I love the topic, I don’t even know if psychology is the career for me, and have been thinking about checking out the police after I return from travelling in a few months time, who knows, maybe this is a sign… 
Anyways, I should probably eat something before work, have a lovely and sober day guys 
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Sorry that’s the case. I personally found my mom either didn’t remember any conversations period, or denied them. Even after I had recorded them or had voicemails of her vitriol and hatred aired directly about me with other family members listening. All stayed silent, all complied, all enabled. Onwards for you 
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It does make me anxious for Thanksgiving but it does NOT make me want a drink.
Enabling is a very real part of all this I am discovering. I think it is time to start calling out the elephants in the room.
That said, I’m sorry for your Mom. 🩶🩷
Ever Onward!!
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Thank you @JazzyS your reply really means a lot to me. I’ve been feeling much better today. Still a bit worried about the mood swings but glad that I was able to enjoy my time here now, finally.
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@mindofsobermike Way to go Mike – 1 week milestone is awesome!! Glad you are taking it day by day and getting better 
@SelfLove_42 magnesium foot soak? Huh – I didn’t know about these. Thanks – will look into this as well. Glad to hear that this has been helpful for you.
YES! Wow – this is so right on and what a revelation. Grateful to see you working with all the tools and showing up for yourself! Double digits!!! Woot Woot! 
@noshame Your numbers are looking great – Glad today was a better day! 
@butterflymoonwoman How are you doing now Dana? I know when I am missing my self care or daily routines or even when I have a bad run with sleep (like you have been having) that I can be short and irritated about everything around me. Just being off on one thing can totally screw up my mood balance. I do hope you can take time for yourself and practice selfcare. Glad the meds helped some – hopefully a even better night of sleep in store for tonight. 
@tragicfarinelli Have you done a Covid test or could it just be the flu? Sorry you are feeling so crappy on top of dealing with withdrawals. I do hope you are able to get some rest. Sending you and @Wakikki and @trustybird some healing vibes. Hope you all get better soon
@happyfeet Oh glad that you are enjoying your time on your vacation.
Checking in on Tuesday evening…
335 days (aka 11 months ) free of alcohol and weed
750 days free of cigarettes
WOW – what a difference a friendly tone can make. I am so grateful that I treasured my self worth enough to not go back to the cold and dismissive OB. Today’s appointment was super comfortable. A lot of waiting as they were super backed up but still everyone was friendly and attentive and CARING! Had I been deep in my addiction – the wait alone would have gotten me all crazed and put me in a bitchy mood. Grateful to see how far I’ve come! My OB does want me to have the surgery but really wants to remove a lot more than I am comfortable with. Just want the damn cyst removed and leave the rest LOL. Wishing everyone a wonderful addiction free day / evening. Sending you all so much love
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Hi j, not COVID… Some gastro stomach thing I think. It’s ultra bad, still up at nearing 3am here. Can’t sleep, can’t get comfortable, too hot too cold, head killing.
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Congratulations on 11 months! I’m happy to hear that your appointment went well 
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Oh Shit!!! Damn that sucks babe. I am sorry - it really sound awful. sending you so many healing vibes - i do hope you are able to get some sleep soon love.
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Hello friends, wrapping up day 893. Wishing you all peace. 
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Thanks Drew – following in your footsteps friend hope you are feeling better today.
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Hey ya’ll,
Been really busy, and it feels good. Working away with hubby, my time is more focused and it feels good. Interview tomorrow and I am okay if it goes either way.
Trying to just live in each day, even tjose down days knowing that each day is kind of what its meant to be and just is what it is. Have another visit planned to see my mom & nephew. Miss them both and wish we did not live so far.
Not much else to report. Feeling generally good, and have a strange and rather amaxing feeling of knowing myself. Feel it is a gift from my sister, her life and her strength. I miss her everyday, and am prpud of my family for what we’re doing. Rolling with this good feeling knowing hey tomorrow may not feel as great, but that too passes.
Cozy in bed. We have an icestorm here so there may not be school tomorrow. We shall see 
Xo. Happy 25 folks, and keep going. You are worth it, you absolutely are. Xo
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Checking in
Day 646
The day is winding down and im feeling slightly better. My husband was sooo kind. He knew i was having a bad day and he came home with snacks and a hug Im grateful for his thoughtfulness. My son got some test results back and he needs antibiotics. For 2 weeks of this medication its $180!!! I was shocked. He has maxed out his medication benefit portion from my husbands plan so this will be at full cost. Ill manage and of course I have to buy it but ouch! Tmrw is the dentist and then ill have to pick up that prescription as it should be in by the afternoon. Not much else to do. Maybe a workout in the morning. We will see have a great night everyone! 
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No school the next 3 days but I’m working 3 morning shifts so no time with my daughter. Lame. Going to bed early as I’m sure tomorrow I’ll be setting the whole club up for Thanksgiving 
Goodnight.
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1628
Last day shift coming up, fourth in a row, followed by a three day weekend. That sounds better. Didn’t sleep well. Woke up so much. Luna comes and checks me out when I’m awake too, I checked out my telephone while awake which is against the rules. I just promised myself not to pick up the phone at night, not even to see the time. It’s night and I should be asleep is all I need to know.
On we go. Sober and clean. Have as good a day as you all can friends. Love from the river.
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Day 766 AF
I took the week off to chill with the fam. Haven’t done much, though. I needed a break from work. Plus, I have like 300 hrs of PTO. I don’t have the money to travel or take the fam on a nice vacation, but it’s all good. We’ve been hanging out at the park and watching movies.
I don’t know what it is about the holidays, but I’ve had thoughts about boozing. Like “one drink won’t hurt” type of thoughts. But thoughts are just thoughts. I’ll push through like before.
I wish yall the best with your sobriety. Stay strong, gang.
ODAAT.
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Morning all, checking in on day 388 alcohol free.
A bit worried and anxious today, hopefully my morning meds do their job whilst I make my way to the office.
My personal trainer & owner of my local gym have talked me into taking part in my first powerlifting competition this weekend (deadlift only this time). Something to look forward to!
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Day 1870 
Day 40 social media
Had a bad day yesterday but I survived it sober. Had serious cravings last night because of it.
My mother died 18 years ago because of breastcancer. I’m her age now when the doctor gave her that verdict.
Yesterday I had my appointment to get my breasts checked. In the Netherlands when you are a lady of 50 years ore older you got an invite for it every 2 years. 2 years ago there was Covid so no invite for me that time. And now I’m 55 and the same age as my mom was when she went for her invite to check her breasts. I was pregnant back then from my first child, I just told it my parents two weeks earlier. They where so fucking happy!
Long story short: yesterday I was a mental mess.
Got the adress wrong so I was 20 minutes late. The photo’s where a bit painful but it was doable
because I took some paracetamol before.
When it was done I was crying on my bike during my way home. The rest of the day I felt restless. I tried to fix that by journaling and texting my brother and friends. It didn’t help. In the evening cravings kicked in, really bad.
This long absent of alcohol but still it presents itself as a solution for my emotional state, sick 
I opened up about it to my partner. Told him a craved wine, I felt ashamed by it but it relieved me as well.
I never want to go back to drinking, but it’s difficult sometimes. It’s like the tides, it comes and goes. The cravings I mean, I know it’s temporary and I seldom have this kind of cravings nowadays
I passed another test, today is a brand new day.
Fingers crossed for a good outcome of the photo’s, between 2 weeks I hear the result 
Thank you for listening and a good day for you all 
Picture from a light festival in Eindhoven called “Glow” where I was a few days ago.
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