Day 60. Woot. I hope you all are having a great sober weekend!!
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Evening check in
Day 671
Really felt overwhelmed this evening. I felt like I needed a breakā¦ just being around too much noise, plus having a headache on top of it all didnt help. My husband saw me and knew instantly that i needed some down time and he suggested i go lay down in the dark for a bit while he sat with our son. 20 min was all i needed to unwind and calm. Thankful for that 
But I realized that I need to learn to start asking for what I need instead of having someone (like my husband) initiate that help. I always push myself to the limit until Im completely burnt out. And thats not okay. Im grateful though that my marriage isnt 50/50ā¦ meaning that even when I may function at say 40% some days (like today), my husband picks up the 60% and vice versa. We help each other out and i thank recovery for that! Our relationship is sooo much better now that we are both clean. I feel very blessed today!
My boy is asleep now and so im going to have a nice relaxing shower and get ready for my CPR/First aid renewal course tomorrow. Then relax with hubby. Have a great night everyone! 
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15 days in the bank.
Calling it early as Im at work for nightshift.
Spent the day at the beach swimming and playing with the kids. Was a few drinking, but was easy to say no Iāve got work tonightā¦ not that that would have always been the answer I would have given in the past.
Thank you @JazzyS for your words of encouragement. I always see them and they help.
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Checking in on day 263, clean and sober 
āāā
It feels amazing, I feel amazing. Every step, every push forward, each craving and temptation I overcome, each day is a Blessing. I am so very amazed at how far I have come on my journey to better me, to become healthy, to live pure and not fill my body, mind, and soul with harmful substances any longer. I used to feel and believe that I couldnāt ābe rightā without the meth in my nose and lungs. I didnāt want to function without it. I was so angry if I didnāt have it. I lost myself to dope for so long. Very long!!! This process hasnāt been easy āreprogrammingā my way of thinking and my attitude and behavior. Iāve stayed busy with positive things and people and strive to get better and be better for myself and my babies. I can do this!!! So can each one of you.
Sleep well and sweet dreams all.
āāā
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1653
Up early. Taking my time to have my coffee, to journal, to check in here. Back to work tomorrow. Not unhappy about that. Been spending my week off well. Might do a little bike ride today. It seems dry out there.
Did my cultural things yesterday, visiting Museum het Schip (the Ship), which is inside part of this highlight of Dutch social housing with the same name from around 1920. Joined a guided tour of the neighbourhood as well which was all build around that time which was the high time of building affordable good housing.
Interesting detail is that no bars were allowed to open in the neighbourhood. The inhabitants had to go to the adjacent 17th century Jordaan area for that, where there literally was a bar at every street corner with some thrown in between. Where people still lived in slums and where the wages were paid in the bars so the women had to rush in and get some of it before the men had drank it all.
Have as good a day as you all can friends. Sober and clean. Love from the Spaarndammerbuurt.
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Day 12 checking in
Had a hard time yesterday during the evening again. Bad discussion with my additive mind about if it isnāt okay to drink. My clear mind won. I am realy annoyed of being addicted.
Struggling with body feeling again. Although I fasted last week and did a lot of sports. Feeling wrong and not okay
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Thank you everyone 
for the congrats and also just for being here š©µ
I canāt believe Iām finally able to sit down after work at 1:30 am! I went to work at 11am 
Soaking my feet in Epsom again. It was pretty rough, but it was definitely worth it. Now I just have to get thru kids Christmas tomorrow. 10-4, with 2 hours of pure chaos. I got this. I did get to see the biggest rat Iāve ever seen, outside of NYC, running thru our kitchen 
They really need to get some serious exterminators in there when weāre closed down. Uck.
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I made it through another difficult day.
Iām looking forward to the Adventskaffee we have been invited to today, but also a little anxious. I have a plan for the whole food situation and hope to be prepared enough to not lose control.
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Welcome back @Claartje , I remember you!
Pretty building @Mno , I never heared from it. I like that kind of architecture.
@Soberbilly congratulations with your 
days Bill! 
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Day 625. I have had such a busy week. Im looking forward to having a cruisy week leading up to Christmas and New Years. So close to 2 years of sobriety. So grateful
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*Day 1915 
Had a good night out at the 80ās party last night. It was stupid but I felt anxious before I went. Like I had an exam instead of seeing friends at a party. I danced all night, talked some and drank cola light.
Havenāt slept much because I couldnāt get into sleep because of the endorfines still rushing trough my vaines. I think I had 4 houres at the max 
Today? A walk and some reading and thatās about it.
Have a good sunday all
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Hang in there Julia, you are doing so well!
And being addicted is annoyed To say at least. But you didnāt drink despite the difficult evening! 
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Checking in on day 1 and some hoursā¦ Had a crap night but at least Iām sober. Getting through the first days is always horrible
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Morning all, Day 94 here. Really struggling in various ways, not been right for a month really. Just need a break, even my weekends are super busy at the moment. I am really hopeful for the Christmas break.
I tend to withdraw when overwhelmed and donāt want to lose my connection to this place. I realised I havenāt even thought about sending Christmas cards to friends this year either. My hope would be to see noone and that doesnāt feel healthy.
Hope everyone else is OK. @Butterflymoonwoman so glad your husband spotted you needed a break. You pushing yourself to breaking really resonated with me, I need to ask for help more too.
@Soberbilly massive congratulations 
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Soon I will hit 100 days mark. That was always my highest stake reached. I reached that about couple+ times in life. I remember the manager and lead singer of my first band where I started play drums said that he is concerned that I drink too much. He recommended me to try to not drink at least for 3 months. I failed that time, but somehow those 3 months always stuck in my mind.
I think once I was sober for about 4 or 6 months somewhere around 2009-2010 (canāt remember now) but I was having constant panic attacks and was drinking benzos like candies - so I really did not wanted to drink alcohol as it was giving me even worse panic attacks. Anyway, I donāt count that as a sober time.
I then reached those 3 months of sobriety. First time I think was around 2013 when I was preparing for my first half marathon. I was quitting benzos also and fighting depression caused by constant panic attacks. That one was quite easy. I was still surrounded by drinking friends, but at that time it was really easy for me to say - sorry guys I am preparing for serious competition so I passā¦ BUT soon after finishing my goal - like few days after I binged so hard that the bartender asked me to leave or the cops will arrive - I remember saying I am not going anywhere until you put more drink on the tableā¦
It was just another goal to me. Another milestone. Something to prove to someone.
Now I am approaching that landmark again, but this time I really donāt care about milestones, goals, proving something to someone or what other thinks about me. Itās really not about numbers anymore. I think that is where that #ODAAT comes from. Itās really about today. Feeling good. Growing. Letting the light in.
For me personally and I think many could agree - one of the best thing in sobriety is that that constant āāTo Drink or Not to drinkāā tape on repeat 
seems like finally stopped. That takes timeā¦ Here is where numbers really helps, that does not happens over nightā¦ but it is such a big relievā¦ That really feels like freedomā¦ and I still can literally see that tape playing in others who is usingā¦ how they planning it or arguing in their headsā¦
That is slavery. Living in the constant loop. From Friday to Friday. Destroying our selves. Only later you realise how much damage that poison is doing to our body. Physically / Mentally / and Spiritually.
Even small dosages is literally killing us from inside. We become disconnected for days. Disconnected from Light. I donāt want to go into details here I will just say Disconnected from Higher Power so everyone could understand / or just disconnected from Your True Self so everyone could relate.
Donāt be slave. Choose the Light instead of Darkness. Be Free.
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Checking in. I feel better, isolation was actually good this time. I needed quiet and space to come to terms with my present conditions without annoying social interactions. I still donāt long for connections with others, but I start to be a bit curious and open without acting out. I give myself time and take small steps. I learn not to rush, not to flee from my past and not to hurry towards a more bearable future, because present is my home whether I like it or not, and I can decide to pad it around and make it cosy. Until now I couldnāt make that choice, because I didnāt care about myself, I was either indifferent to myself or worse, but now that seems to be changing.
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@Wakikki Whatās going on? Sending strength 
Day 1223
Feeling a bit isolated and under appreciated. Have been bottling up some resentments to my husband (and bottling them up poorly, because I kept snapping and being passive aggressive) anyway they leaked out today, and even though the talk was far from perfect I feel better about some things.
My daughter had a high fever on Friday, and Saturday I had a sore throat and lethargy. Actually today I felt not too bad, but I just wanted to rest, so I did. My husband was a little surprised at me not doing what I usually do, but he picked up the slack eventually.
I think with the relationship stress and feeling under the weather, I binged a lot of sugar. And now it got suddenly colder I didnāt go for my run either. Need to start treating my body a little better so my mind feels better too.
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Day 33, yesterday work was good. Got home, had some burger king and relaxed and did fall asleep early again. But woke up this morning feeling rather pleasant and not feeling as heavt. Very grateful and said my prayers, had a nice bike ride into work very cheerful and just calm and serene. I did almost have another head on collision with another e bike rider lol neither one of us could see each other it was so dark, it was super windy and as I was riding I did see someones yard decorations were blown all over the place, I was happy I had time and was able to stop and pick them up and it tried to put them back in place for them but unfortunately a lot of it was all tangled up. But Iām looking forward to the day and just getting home to relax after. Not sure what Iāll do, the two sisters from church have been trying to contact me and at the time I was just to tired and didnāt want to talk. Part of me also just isnāt sure if I want to be a part of the religion. But idk gotta stay in my toes and not fall into traps my mind might try to get me into. I havenāt had any thoughts or cravings or using but that shit can sneak up on you so fast. Yeah much love everyone have a good day.
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Day 95
Middle of the night check in. Rough night. Ex is over!
He hasnāt been a very involved parent especially with my.middle son. .today after an argument he and I had my daughter is dating now she is 18 and we feel.hwe boyfriend too old. She put up an Instagram post that I had her remove of them kissing.
He blames me for this. We start arguing and my oldest son comes down to ask us to stop and me ex his father gets upset as he feels my son is disrepecting him. Now he says he doesnāt want to talk to him as he needs to apologize to him.
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Day 1,283 clean and sober today. I have a friend that will be coming out to stay for a week next month and Iām super excited about that! I havenāt seen them in years and they have 7 years clean and sober now. Such a good feeling to know I have a place that people can come over and stay if they want.
I also ordered my birth certificate the other day and am planning on getting my first passport ever! Iām very excited about that as I want to travel to other countries to go hiking there. Canada and Germany are at the top of my list but I also want to visit France, Italy, Greece, Ireland, Scotland and England. I am trying to get a second job at night to be able to save up for the places I want to see. I hope to get one soon.
Anyway, have an amazing day everybody, love you guys 
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