So far today I’ve done laundry, journalling, listening to music, housework. Mostly just pottering about the house.
Later I’m going out driving with my son. I was so consumed with anxiety from alcohol that I couldn’t face driving. I could feel myself physically shake at the thought of getting behind the wheel. I’m also one of those kind of drinkers who think they are invincible when drinking “that mountain, yeah I’m sure I’m strong enough to move it”. I’d literally believe I was mentally & physically strong enough to do anything (at 47 you’d think I’d know better) anyway I told myself that my reaction to driving was good because I couldn’t trust myself, if I had a car or access to one I believe I would have driven.
Now that I’m not drinking I’ve been practicing driving my son’s car once a week for the past 6 weeks. I’m so chilled driving now, it’s like day & night. My son however has many criticisms especially when I try to bay park
Not being able to drive is one of the many things I believe alcohol stole from me…I allowed it to steal from me. I will not allow that to happen ever again. Onwards & upwards
I don’t know if you see this, Mike, but I see freaking huge progress in you just in this statement. That’s called emotional regulation, noticing you’re getting frustrated and taking a step back to come back to it later. Also, noticing the guy at work is overstepping his role and it’s not fair but you’re not reacting, you’re not sweating the small stuff. Right on!
I had much the same experience as you with drinking and driving anxiety. I have had some traumatic experiences that contributed to that in the past, and that is what I blamed it on for a long time, but of course that wasn’t what was really going on. Good for you for challenging yourself! I also had to do some exposure therapy with my husband’s support, especially when it came to highway driving. I also have no issues these days! And don’t listen to your son, I am sure you’re doing great!
Whelp. I’ve had a helluva couple weeks, let me tell ya. It was the usual migraine strife plus springtime malady (sinus infection + bad cold = missing work ughhhhh). But I ended things strong with two great days at work and a text from my boss to take today off since it’s a holiday and she won’t be in (I’m an independent contractor so I was just going to work the day but I’d rather not). I had two virtual one on one meetings with administrators in the real estate company to meet and greet, touch base on where I am with learning my role and then some intense training on systems that the whole shebang relies on. I learned a lot more specifics about what my role is in the greater scheme of things and that helped me wrap my brain around what this job actually looks like. It is turning out to be much more involved than I was expecting, which I think is partly due to my boss not realizing what the role of an assistant looked like within this real estate company structure as she’s newer to this company. She actually started the franchise here in our city last year, had worked for other companies previously. I was/am both excited and nervous, feeling some of the angst of imposter syndrome, but I took my first few major actions yesterday and that felt good, but I still feel that with being out so often due to illness I need to really prove myself (even though I have been assured it is no problem).
I have seen the doctor again and am on a new medication regimen and have an appointment with a neurologist for a likely MRI. I am glad there is some movement here and I know part of it is because I am taking more proactive efforts to figure something out. I am newly dedicated to improving my overall health, too. If I am going to be successful in this job I need to take the best care of myself that I can. I need to watch my mood and get on top of depressive and anxious feelings immediately. Wait, switch all those “needs” to “want.” I want to! In the meantime, I have some work and some fun going today and lots of cooking all weekend planned. Don’t celebrate the holiday but appreciate the extra day today with my husband. The weather looks rather lovely after the severe cold snap we just had.
Yeah I blamed a car crash from years before I’d even started drinking. Strange how easy it is to blame something else other than alcohol. I didn’t realise how much anxiety I was getting from alcohol. I’m still terrified of switching lanes on the highway.
Thank you so much but I’m pretty awful parking I sometimes have to get out to let him park. Other drivers are not happy at all
I’ve also started opening my mail & actually reading it. Normally I get my son to do it, it’s never anything terrible but it just caused so much stress. Baby steps
Had a realization yesterday. My back issue first came back early this month. Less than 2 weeks later, I was at a meetup group and on my feet with them for like 3hrs. No pain, no issue.
I didn’t worry or give my back a 2nd thought, in retrospect. Thinking on ot this morning, I actually had thought that it was prior to this episode, but looking at the calendar it was after.
Why does this matter? Because it tells me I can still do that shit despite my painful episodes, and I can do it while being present in the moment rather than being filled with worry.
Fuck you, pain. My life is still mine and I am still me, and I refuse to let this setback drag me back to a life of fear and significant limitations. I worked for 2 years to unlearn that fear and trust my body again. Not going back.
Exactly! Sounds like you’re making more than baby steps. How wonderful you have your son to help you through this. I just hope he’s kind in the process! And other people can really be so impatient sometimes. Keep it up!
That’s an important realization, indeed. Knowing chronic pain, I know it can overwhelm and puts me in survival mode instead of a curious, analytical mode. Good for you. Learning triggers is a big one for me. Enjoy your tacos, I’m only a little (lot) envious.
Today I’m struggling, but luckily not to want to drink.
More the time of year, and being diagnosed with cptsd this week and just thinking too much and connecting the dots - so much makes so much sense and it’s a weird feeling. But…
I got up and did what needed doing, now I can relax and think all I want and the rest of the day I can take it one step at a time now. Feel alot better for getting on with it, it wasn’t easy - Just got to keep showing my brain it’s ok and it can still manage.
That’s it for me, I end up obsessing over it and worrying about it to the point that it ruins everything else. I also tend to have less patience when in pain, easily agitated. That’s not who I am and thankfully by being aware of it, I can diffuse it most of the time.
I will put a fish taco in a paper envelope and send it
especially when I try to bay park 
lol
