Hey all just checking in! Been feeling super tired and sick, and on top of that disconnected a bit - which I tjink is just a normal part of feeling sick but I want to acknowledge that feeling too. Just feeling out of it, and the kids screamin and hollerin is hitting that nerve right now lol. Hoping it passes a bit when Im feeling better.
On feeling disconndcted, if I had to go into my brain a bit I thibk a part is how i have been dealing with smoker-me. Im SO hard on myself in that department, and I am having to take a step back with how Im focusing on this addiction. I was trying to dive at it like dribking, and while it is an addiction, I have come to see this one is a bit different and…how i went at my alcohol this round was also different. I have addressed it differently then i did in the past, with much more compassion and understanding and oh yhat has not been how i have been viewing smoking me. Smoking me is stupid, killing herself and just being plain old weak about it. I have felt so much in that addiction brain because Ive been looping it around wanting to quit smoking that Im obsessing in the most unhealthy of ways. The intention is great. I want to do this, I can, there are ways and others who have to show me the way. The way i have been going about it is insane. So maybe thats a bit of my disconnection.
Another thing is my nephew. Everything going on there is still a lot; and I want some hope, some magic for this child and I just cannot understand or seem to accept the laws where I live that would severe us having custody and make him a ward of CPS. At the same time, i lived for a year and half all in and was sacrificing myself, and my family (not entirely realizing it as I was wanting him to be part of our home, so an ends means scenario where i just thought if we could just break through that cieling we would plateau). It was an indescribably difficult time on all of us, doing everything we could for my nephew who DESERVES all this stuff be done for him and my sister; and yet, I know that i have to hold a balance here now. I have to dedicate time and energy to my family, to my job and find my life outside of that drive to give everything. I am not sure people ever fight CPS and win. I am not sure people ever fight the government and win. And i am admitting that i am afraid of what will happen if we do not.
There it is. Half of my heart is heavy as hell. Xo.
🫶🏼
After doing the overnight shift last night and literally pushing myself to go to work, thinking id have care for my son tonight so i can sleep, things change… when it rains, it pours. Our nurse for tonight calls in sick. So again, i have to stay awake all night and then push myself to go to work tmrw. Im starting to burn out. Including tonight, thats 4 nights in a row that i have to do now. My thinking is slightly disoriented. Its like i cant get the words out that i want to say… all bcuz im sooo tired. My son has had overnight nurses for 5 years or so and I have NEVER had to experience this lack of nursing. Its unreal. I messaged the scheduler tonight explaining in a polite but semi-firm way that i absolutely need care by May 1st. I hope she takes me seriously. I got my son to bed. Now im going to try and do some self care and relax a bit. Literally i am taking it One day at a time. One night at a time. This too shall pass 
Im going to ask if maybe we can split the shift. He was awake all day watching our son and if he does the full awake overnight shift also and then have to stay awake all day tmrw, im worried he will accidentally fall asleep during the day. But im going to see if he can at least do a few hours overnight so that i can sleep a few hours 
it’s been almost 8 months since I had insurance. Hopefully they can help me feel better.
Sending healing vibes – hope that the fever breaks soon. I know its hard to not get “me” or “down” time out of the house when you are working all week – hopefully you can find a good way to unwind at home and practice some self care as a reset for your body and mind 
even the emoji proves that…
