Thanks friend, I appreciate the advice But for now Iām likely gonna stick with this sponsor. I deserved the ācanāt see sponsor for a weekā punishment to be honest. He warned me not to drink or use drugs when I told him I was going out, but still I ended up doing that anyway. The punishment he gave of being unable to continue sponsorship meetings until a week later was warranted, and it helped set my mindset straight about what it means to be sober to be honest, so it was necessary IMO.
The thing about my sponsor, is I resonate with things he experienced and says quite a bit, so Iām kinda reluctant to wanna drop him.
Either way, I feel like the CA sponsor wasnāt the main reason why Iāve been choosing to get sober, so I doubt it will have much impact on my sobriety considering that Iām still going to CA meetings, SMART Recovery meetings, updating my dad daily, and working out which are the things I feel have been keeping me the most sober. I still keep in touch with my sponsor and update him on my progress daily, so it should be fine
Perhaps Iām thinking with too much ego though, Iām open to feedback about this and such
Chill day today as legs and body been mega aching from doing balcony and the long walk yesterday. Watched a couple of footie games, made spiced lamb shoulder with pilau rice and naan.
Early to bed and a big long read in order tonight, as Iām still really not sleeping well at all!! It was one thirty or two am last night before I fell asleep, and was up at six am.
Not sure why Iām unable to fall or stay asleep. Anyway, worse things can happen, but looking forward to some quality Zeds.
@butterflymoonwoman Oh yeah Blacklistā¦ I do enjoy that show (think I am a season behind). Thanks for the reminder. I just realized Will Trent was based on books. I am also very grateful for days I can do a walk outside. It really is so therapeutic. Looking forward to days I can get back to my brisk walking Have a wonderful visit with your parents. So excited for their visit! Great way to celebrate your hubbyās 50th
WOW! This right here. Great to read. I know itās a journey but its worth it ā keep stacking up the days friend and working your recovery. Glad you have a supportive wife helping you in your recovery. I know my family doesnāt understand the disease but is super supportive of helping me get through it. I rely on this community to help me feel normal in my addict recovery. @wahtisnormal YES- a deeper look into alcohol and its effects has really helped me. I have not done much quit lit ā still working on Quit Like A Woman by Holly Whitaker. The beginning of the book really helped me to establish my boundary with alcohol. I would highly recommend the book. Boredom and depression can be taxing. I do hope you are able to find a way to occupy your mind and body today ā the yuck feeling of when you donāt drink does go away but the guilt from drinking never does. Keep strong my friend. @s_unrelax Way to go with your 1 week milestone! Keep up the great work @just_laura Beautiful jewelry ā sorry that it no longer fits. Sorry for the all over body pains ā I do hope you have an easy day at work and were able to get a good nights rest. @goku2019 That is a wild ass dream. Grateful it was a dream and everyone is safe. Sending you many comforting hugs my friend ā you have come a long way. I am sorry for all the trauma in your past. @seb what an awful tragedy and so much heartache. I am sorry friend. I do hope you were able to calm your emotions this evening. I can imagine a lot being stirred up when faced with this type of horrific tragedy. @catmancam I am sorry that you are feeling so depressed lately my friend. Have you talked with your doctors about the dosage of your meds? Possibly they could use some adjustment. Sending you loads of love and comfort. Hope you are able to get your NRT spray soon ā that is ridiculous on price for 1 vs 2. @nordiquie super cool number ā great work friend. Keep up the amazing work @laner I am sorry for the rough day you are experiencing. Grateful that you have your friend with you. Great job on using your tools to help you manage the emotions ā I am sorry that they are not doing their job. Sending you peaceful calming vibes and hope that you are able to rest now and have a better day tomorrow
You can only get one day at a time. Slow down, take a deep breath and just focus on today. You seem to be really concerned with what everyone thinks, but in the end it doesnāt matter what we think. Sobriety is a personal journey with outside help along the way. If you start doing this for other people you will be sorely disappointed when they donāt react the way you want them to.
@joyce19 Day 2 and crushing it ā we are here if you need support to distraction. Hopefully you can rest and enjoy your home now that your guest is gone. Sending strength ā it does get easier
OOF that sucks hard! Sorry Lam. I know how frustrating it can be trying to do work without WIFI. Sending you strength to get through this and hopefully the time will breeze on by. @jonase WOW ā itās a big step getting back to work. I know sometimes you just have to dive in and start swimming. Wishing you luck with your first day back tomorrow
Happy Sunday you beautiful sober souls
Not much to report. I am so happy that i did get to the store early this morning. it is literally a block away and i was able to drive there. Grateful for the carts that helped me walk LOL. Small steps feel great. Finally got my taxes completed. Do owe a bit but that is ok. I am grateful that i can afford it.
It is a sunny beautiful day. I am going to soak in the rays
Wishing you all a wonderful addiction free day - sending you all so much love
@john_connor1337 Calmā¦down. Youāre posts are really enthusiastic and thatās great but you are a definite people pleaser and you have got to stop with the āProve it to youā mindset. Something you are going to learn is that the people like your Dad, your in person friends, family etcā¦ You can say whatever you want to them but it means nothing without action and the reality is, other people arenāt really fussed whether you drink, use or not - Itās like someone trying to impress you by telling you that they collect stamps. Itās a personal choice.
Your sponsor is not āpunishingā you - Hes not there to punish you. Your sponsor does care about you and wants you well but he sponsors because it helps him; youāll learn this later on. We help others to help ourselves and heās likely keeping you at distance for his own good.
Please, for your own good, learn the basics of recovery - Listen to what people are saying to you. Before you can be a successful sponsee, you need to become teachable.
It must sound like Iām digging at you constantly - I want you to get better, I really do but you read like someone who is less interested in getting better and more interested in proving a point to people.
Im not going to comment on your posts any further because I donāt want to be a bully but I really do wish you well.
Tomorrow morning my appointment with the employment expert of the social security payment institution. Tension is reaching breaking point. Basically they are gonna tell me for how many % they see me unfit for work. For me there seems to be no correct outcome. Although deep inside I know between 80%-100% is the best. In that case I donāt need to apply for any jobs. But of course my punisher thinks that would make me a loser. My healthy part knows itās the best, so I can focus on my recovery. Hope venting helps diminishing the tension somehow.
Woke up crying from a dream I had. Grief from losing my fiance is still present today and i think thats part of it. In the dream, I was standing in line to get into heaven. It was a single file line and peoples names were being called. I noticed there was no one with me or next to me, and the individual names being called struck me significantly as I realized that I am completely alone going into this next life. No one was there, no ones hand to hold. This is when i started crying, then woke up, still crying. I think it just really hit home on how deeply alone I feel since losing my fiance. Everyone else in my life has their person. Whether its a significant other, or a friend thats closer to them than I am. I dont have anyone like that. Well I did, but heās dead. Now for the past almost 3 years Ive just been drifting through life almost without a purpose, feeling alone, for 3 years, and nothing has changed.
Working later.
Starting the Alcohol Experiment today from This Naked Mind. Plan on listening to the first podcast today on my way to work. Reminding myself why drinking isnāt worth it. Hope I can get out of work a little bit early if things line up right.
You legit donāt owe anyone but yourself a reason for anything!
Friends support you as you are ā¦ no judgements or questions asked or put on you Ever! You are Marvelous!
You do you on your timeline, on your terms but most of all For You
I absolutely adore Val! He is.sych an interesting human.
I named my dog Huckleberry after his line in Tombstone.
" Iāll be your Huckleberry".
You are doing great and I hope you just keep on doing great!
But for now Iām likely gonna stick with this sponsor. I deserved the ācanāt see sponsor for a weekā punishment to be honest. He warned me not to drink or use drugs when I told him I was going out, but still I ended up doing that anyway. The punishment he gave of being unable to continue sponsorship meetings until a week later was warranted, and it helped set my mindset straight about what it means to be sober to be honest, so it was necessary IMO.
Have a wonderful visit with your parents. So excited for their visit! Great way to celebrate your hubbyās 50th 
