Checking in day 133 AF 
. I forgot to check in last night as I fell asleep.
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Day 180 getting very close to that six months mark. I had a good weekend with my girls. I wont lie, on saturday i did sleep pretty much all day and i felt terrible. It was raining so its not like there was much to do, but still id like to be present with my girls. Its not depression or laziness but im just simply exhausted and im not saying im more exhausted then anyone else. But im just tired on my days off, my knees, my neck, my back they all sore and like even trying to keep my eyes open i just dont wake up. Idk its only ever on my days off, my weds that i have off im usually the same way, the days i work i dont miss a beat. But its like my mind and body know that its my day off so it wants to reset and rest. Idk i am going to try and work on it more. Yes i need rest but i would much rather be present with my girls. Ive been doing well mentally, im not depressed or sad about much. I did for the first time while going by a college party kind of wish i was having fun like that, then i thought to myself id probably not really have that much fun. I do have a little hard time with my confidence still a little bit. I havent tried dating, im not on the dating apps. But ive tried talkint to a few girls and ive been kinda shunned away rather quickly. Same with face book, idk i saw a few girls i thought were pretty so i tried adding them and got instantly denied. Again its not a huge deal, its not something i need in my life but all the rejection definitely makes me think well something must be wront with me. Idk but yeah grateful to be sober and grateful for my one on one with my counselor today
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@Whereswaldo I canāt imagine having to deal with a energized 2.5 year oldā¦it seems that the energy never dies at that age. Iām grateful you were able to come here and vent. Loved that your wife suggested gratefulnessbto be added to your check in. Congratulations on your pregnancyā¦super exciting
@CATMANCAM wishing you luck with your therapy today. I do hope your migraine went away. 
@K_S yeah 3 weeks Kenny! 
@Dustysprungfield hope your day has improved friendā¦here for you if you need to vent 
@Soberwalker itās finally here! Have a wonderful time in your trip Claudia 
that travel day sounds exhaustingā¦hope you are comfortable and able to relax.
@mno āholiday moneyā. Wowā¦Iām really living in the wrong part of the world 
. I do hope you are able to find a new working computer soon.
@Mindofsobermike coming up to 6 monthsā¦ooh thatās exciting Mike. Glad you got some time with your daughters. I know I was so very tired all the time during the beginning of my sobriety. Glad you are able to be so alert and awake for work. Maybe your body is crashing when it feels like you have time to crash. In college I remember that every time a break would come around that is when I would get sick. Like my mind knew I couldnāt handle that while trying to study and keep my jobs. . Itāll sort itself out Iām sure but if you are worried, then you might want to see your GP.
Checking in Monday morning
Slept like shit and super tired waking up but Iām up and ready to tackle the day. 
ā¦of course I will need the help of coffee.
Have a delivery to make and get in my walk before the atmosphere heats up.
Hope you all have a wonderful addiction free dayā¦ sending you all so much love
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Day 73
Do I have to get up today? Slept all the way to 7, open the curtains to low overcastā¦no, no I donāt 
Had no idea I was so sensitive to extreme gloom. Itās tough. I love some clouds but I need just a little light, please . Ahh, soon enough. I live in a bad weather place, Iāve got this!
Feeling pretty good this morning. My metabolism made a switch in the right direction, just over the past few days. Itās amazing when suddenly the exercise is working. Had to wait for more days of sobriety, but the alcohol weight/bloat is going away. I have a waist now. Much better muscle tone. It takes forever, it seems. But on month 3 things really start coming together physically. Iām so encouraged! Makes me want to keep my new lifestyle forever. I was worried I wouldnāt get better but yeah I did. Thereās hope, Iāll figure out the rest soon! 
I am so happy to be sober today.
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Back for my 2nd check in of the day now that Iāve composed myself. Rocky start this am but Iām navigating the day nicely now.
Iāve fell off and had to reset 3 times over the last 2 years. Each one I knew was coming and now that I evolved a little each time Iām starting to nail down the triggers and the mindset that went into each one of those resetsā¦
If I can take something from this reset as hard as it feels now it gives me hope.
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Thanks for sharing this. Iāve found a lot of helpful advice in this group. Was wondering do you know of a book that could be helpful in this area?
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Iāve been better today. Not amazing but I donāt feel as gloomy and afraid. I decided to start trekking down but weāre taking it easy. I wrote into work that I might be taking a bit longer to do this translation project that way Iām on a less strict schedule and can have the time to take care of myself. My friend also suggested I call the embassy and see if they have a counselor on staff for embassy employees. I donāt know if thatāll go anywhere but is maybe a possibility since I often freelance for them as a translator. 
anyways itās worth checking into. In 2 weeks I have this work trip coming up. Itās gonna be a pretty intensive trip in a lot of waysā¦and now Iām questioning if I should post pone it or not. What if I go and I have a repeat of the past 3 days?
Just trying to work some stuff out and trying to be wise in how to keep myself safe.
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No absolutely and its not necessarily me trying to date even. Just talking they dont seem interested and i guess that doesnt mean its anything to do with me. They probably have there own shit going on or who knows. But yeah i guess in a sense it still makes me feel like something is weird about me lol. Atm i dont have a desire to date but i still like to chatt with girls, they are nice to have conversation with and sometimes have a lot of knowledge with things and understand things on different perspectives than other males. Thats why i usually like female counselors better lol
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I know there are many threads on quit lit here but not familiar with trauma litā¦let me check and get back to you. Maybe someone else may have some suggestions as well.
Glad that you are reaching out to the embassyā¦ hopefully they are able to find you counseling 
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Day 23,
Just checking in.
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Thanks for helping take a look. I am a bit wary to pick up a book on subjects like that without knowing if it is reliable or not. If that makes sense? The embassy might be a long shot but maybe something will work out with it. Worth checking into.
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Just checking in on day 306. Strength and love to all.
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Day one for me again. I have a high hopes for this time, cuz i cannot do this anymore. Want to get my life back! 
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Day 324.second check in. Worked 7.30 _4.30 today
Work was OK but lots of overarching insecurities which may or may not, impact on the teamās I look after at some stageā¦ In addition we have a strange neighbour who takes photos of around the flats and complains about people. Just seen her pop by. Oh my god. I planted a hydrangea this weekend. It could be as ridiculous as that.
Ffs canāt people find other things to do with their time
The only other thing is the car park is waterlogged but itās a public space and the rains where heavy
I just give up today. May go straight to bed at this rate and start again tomoro 
Or just breathe in. Relax focus on what I can actually do anything about and do that.
Ok I can make a coffee and a sign for my window saying stay away crazy people
Work is good. I am overly cautious when it comes to the wider system and how it may impact down. It helps being protective but some times I see problems where there arenāt any!
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Have you heard of āThe Body Keeps the Scoreā by Bessel Van Der Kolk? This is the most commonly referred to book on healing from trauma, though I havenāt read it myself and have heard different reviews. I think it depends on what one is looking for in their search for a reading. What I have heard is it can be somewhat clinical at times in discussion of how the brain functions, but some people (myself included) enjoy learning about this aspect of how it all works. It might be something to look into and see if it is a fit for you. Itās on my too-long reading list 
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Youāre the 2nd one to recommend it to me today! I took a look and can get it on my kindle. I think Iāll give it a go. Thanks for recommending it to me.
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Iām not surprised, itās become a widely recommended text at this point. Iād love to hear what you think as you get into it!
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The body keeps the score gives a very good overview of how psychology and psychiatry today see the impact of trauma on the affected human. As in no longer purely a matter of the mind, but, as the title says, how it has a huge impact on the body as well and thus how successful trauma therapy must be aimed at both body and mind, and at reestablishing the lost connection between the two.
There are awful and graphic case histories in it which can be triggering. It is rather scientific and detached in its approach. It is descriptive and not a self help book. It helps to understand the consequences of trauma, and where to go if youāre looking for help.
I liked it but ironically enough mostly on a intellectual level. I was abused by a teacher as a kid, and the book that helped me most with that was by a peer, a fellow Dutchman who survived abuse in the church, and was really aimed at specifically helping men with overcoming that very particular trauma. I think for help with any personal particular trauma Van der Kolksā book is too broad in its scope. But it does offer lots of insight in how in general it works.
I do have another trauma (work)book thatās highly recommended by my excellent therapist whoās a specialist in treating early childhood trauma and personality disorders, but I didnāt get into it very deep yet myself. Busybusy. Itās by Janina Fisher and is called Transforming The Living Legacy of Trauma: A Workbook for Survivors and Therapists. It can be very well done by yourself. The two chapters I did do I loved.
Another tip: you ever tried SMART Recovery? I havenāt myself, but Iāve heard many good things about it. Online meetings are available online, although where to get information when youāre not in one of the countries with a physical presence is a bit complicated. You can find (and ask for) more info here (scroll down for contact):
https://www.smartrecoveryinternational.org/ourservices
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Day 2242 alcoholā¦day 0 for tobacco. The youngest is trying my nerves pretty hardā¦i meditated and it helped tremendously (he doesnt know it, probably saved HIS lifeā¦lol). Just thought I needed something to take the edge off before I got to work. Did it? Absolutely not. Setting in the parking lot waiting to start work, I opened up my Pocket Pema and read. That took the edge off.
Gotta use my tools.
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Itās time to end day 45.
So far so okayish. Didnāt get the therapy I was looking for so now I need to start looking into other places. Is what I should do immediately, but instead I keep myself distracted with basically anything else.
So far itās working. And by that I mean Iām playing on borrowed time. New hobbies are all well and good but my core issues remain unadressed.
I havenāt even written down what I wanted to write yet.
You know, the whyās I already know about.
Denial. It seems to work even while sober.
Anyways, thatās about it for today. Maybe tomorrow will be different.
After all, thatās my new job now.
Rest tight, sleep well and take care everyone.
Update: overcaffinated myself. Now we are entering manic city, there will be nothing constructive until tomorrow
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