Well another Friday coming to an end! Today wasn’t to shabby and it was another sober victory 
See ya tomorrow 
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That great news Menno, hope you like what you see next week!
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*Day 2054 
10 days before holiday
Quick check in, not much to share. Worked yesterday and had much irritation about wifi that didn’t work 
There is so much I need at work involving wifi. Something I can long for the old days…and then I’m feeling like a fossil 
Today? Work.
Picture from a walk a few days ago
Have a good day ore night all, we can add another day together.
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Good morning sober fam. Oh man, vacations always get me. We are half way thru it and I’m so done mentally. Already having this regretting though, why I even have a kids. What was I thinking. Why so many of them. And thinking about the future just terrifies me. How I’m gonna feed 3 teenage boys?! How I’m gonna handle them? Am I spoiling them? Is it my fault that they are misbehaving? There is just to many of them and always something is going on. Sorry for vent but I’m just so so so overwhelmed. All day alone with them and then my husband coming back from work and telling me it’s all my fault cause I spoil them, I do to much for them. I dont know. It’s so fucking difficult without family here, without any help. I need a break and I really miss those 3 hours four times per week when twins are in the playgroup. Seems like not much but those 3 hours are keeping me sane apparently.
I feel like I post here only about my kids and its so pathetic. But it’s true. I don’t have other life that them. I don’t have time for anything else and I hate it sometimes. Right now I’m on the edge.
So grateful I can just grab my phone from time to time and read here and feel I am not alone. Love you guys 
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2096 days alcohol free 102 days weed free
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Day 315. Beautiful morning here. May go for a walk along the beach… And definitely chill this afternoon. Blessed to not be drinking. This time a year ago I was probably drinking a bottle of wine most days and beer on top of that at the weekend. May not sound alot but it was enjough for me to be out of control, detached and do stupid things. Never again
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@Soberbilly Oooh! How’d you know I like cars?! You even got my favorite (car) color! Electric Blue Thanks Bill 
@zzz I love Korn! Thanks for sharing as I haven’t listened to them in so long. Glad you’re back with us man 
Hey @Mindofsobermike I think you lost your updog 
@Sara.eve Congratulations! One year and a baby on the way! So happy for you 
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I wish every day was like today. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Idk why, but I was miserable and angry at everything. Maybe a bad dream 
Who knows. So, I went back to sleep for a couple hours and started over 
Made some coffee and got moving right away. I ran my errands so fast, I had time to clean and rest again before work. Tonight was the opposite of last Friday. Slow and relaxed. Couldn’t ask for a better night, since I was training one of our bussers how to serve. Another sober coworker of mine I really get along with. It was just a perfectly smooth night 
Got out just in time to make it to Walmart, literally right before it closed. Like, they shut the lights off as I was walking out the door 
but I like shopping at night. I wish it were 24hrs again. Anyway. Caught up here to wind down and about ready for bed. Night 
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@SoberWalker Recently I had to connect an old gaming console via cable to my network. The hassle of setting up that stuff 
I really had forgotten how it was even worse than WiFi.
@Mischa84 You are neither insane nor pathetic. You are in an insane situation. The idea that one person should manage three small kids around the clock by herself is insane. No job in the world requires you to do that. Even firefighters and emergency personnel go off duty at some point. It’s just mothers who don’t have that basic human need met. So vent away and do whatever you need to stay sober, sane, and human 
@Thumper1213 Hope your weekend gives you some peace after the hard week you had.
@Sara.eve Congrats on all the great things coming together in your life 
And I sincerely believe in what you say about your family lost to addiction: We are healing their wounds, so we don’t have to pass them on to the next generation.
@Juli1 It might be that cravings are thoughts at first that then attach to deeply emotional pathways in us and become cravings this way. Staying and breathing helps to disengage this connection for the moment and the future. Just my musings.
@Danwood85 Good to hear your life taking a better turn.
@CATMANCAM Glad to hear you made it past shop closing times with TS 
@K_S Way to go with that power.
@Lighter This overworking followed by irritation and impatience is a major trigger for me. Still is. I started having fixed breaks of five minutes to get my emotional state down through the day to prevent getting so wound up. I’m glad you found some peace eventually. Sobriety first 
@Timetochange Thanks for sharing this wonderful view. I live in a valley and seeing the sea is always such a miracle 
164 sugar
28 UPF
35 gluten
14 dairy
1 overeating/binge
Hormones have overtaken my brain right now and I feel like I’m in a fog. This will lift at some point today. Until then I’m going to do the next right thing. This usually works.
I need to go shop some fresh produce. My IT needs its weekly updates and maintenance. Plants want water and care. I want yoga or the rower in the afternoon. I’m thinking rower right now. I’m not sure about the evening: clubbing? Cinema? Let’s see about that brain fog first.
Today I’m going to say no to this voice that tells me that there are more interesting or important things to do than paying attention to eating. I know it’s my binge addict. Instead I’m going to take time before I sit down to eat. I’m going to check in with myself, if I’m hungry and how I feel. I’m going to eat without distractions. I’m going to eat mindfully. I’m going to eat slowly. I’m going to invest in the things that help me hold my centre. One day at a time.
Enjoy your day friends. Stay in peace, kindness and freedom for today 
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Good morning, reading all of your posts really makes me wish I lived closer. So I could help you out.
When my kids where younger my husband was a road worker, he was only home during weekends for like the first 8 years.
I don’t have twins so I can’t imagine. However I did have one daughter with Adhd autism. And two boys with 1,5 years between them. One of them have autism/tourettes.
Some days was a mess, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’m sure you’re not spoiling them for being there or doing to much. Kids need good adults especially when they are small. But don’t forget doing something for yourself as well.
It gets easier, daughter is 21 and have moved out, and my boys are currently 12 and 14 (well he is 14 soon) and each other’s best friends.
Not my thing to get involved in, but I’m not sure I like your husband’s attitude. I would really like to have a chat with that guy. It’s his kids as well, and even if he works he shouldn’t put all the responsibility on you. You’re his wife, not his Nanny.
Hope your day gets better
Otherwise you could always pop those kids on a plane and fly them to Sweden for a week or two. So you could rest a bit
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1792 I could live in this pic. Utrecht.
In therapy, I very slowly learned how to be compassionate with and supportive of the little me, the kid Menno, say about 8 years old. How I learned to not totally coincide with that little boy, to see myself as an adult and handle stuff in a more adult way. I took a couple of years but I made lots of progress there.
Talking with my therapist yesterday, about intimacy, sex, relationships and dating I found out that I need to work on that again. But not to be compassionate and understanding with the 8 year old me, but instead with the adolescent, 14 year Menno. Because I still am that 14 year old in the sense of forming relationships, and looking for sex, and intimacy, and how these things are intertwined. Or at least they should be intertwined, but I never learned that. I learned the opposite by being abused.
I never properly dated in my life while I did know how and where to get sex, but in a unhealthy unsafe and often dangerous way. I know I don’t want that no more. But the pull’s still there. And I know I’d like to date but I don’t know how to. I never learned. I’m scared shitless to even try. So. Let’s work on it. One day at a time.
My journey of Discovery goes on. Have as good a day as you all can friends. Sober and clean or nothing will come of it. And yes, we need to work our recoveries and we have to work them for the rest of our lives. Which is not a punishment. Living a good life takes work and that goes for all human beings. Love is a verb too. X
@Mischa84 I can imagine. Big big hugs
@Timetochange At first glance I thought there’s an orca beaching in your pic. 
@Sara.eve Huge congrats on many fronts lady! 
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154 days
Went for lunch at a brewery for a family celebration. Too easy, not tempted at all.
Later in the day was out shopping for new kitchen things and in the glasses section, was more tempted looking at all the glasses that would have been great for drinking whiskey out of.
These ideas of drinking can be sneaky.
Ended up buying some nice glasses and drinking some cold water out of them.
All up though it was a good day with the family
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I’m here, I’m alive, I’m sober and I’m happy.
Day 66
Today we’re going to pick up things for the local mechanic guy again. I’m always amazed about his non existent planning skills.
But he pays good so I’ll let it be for now.
Mother called about the funeral yesterday, as I knew she would.
Despite family only and invitations the church had been full, there was also people gathered outside the church. There was a strict no speech by the casket, no hugs, no approaching the surviving mother and kids policy. And both of them where escorted out by the preacher before everyone else left.
Ma said it was a very strange funeral, very 1800’s high church like. Small kids in black suits made to sit still for hours (It took about 2,5 hours) long bible citing, nothing like our church usually is.
Ma said it was the most odd funeral she’d ever been at. Usually, even for funerals our church is a happy place. Funerals aren’t really a sad event because the people who died is seen to be at a better place now. With the Lord,where they belong.
Ma also said that the new young preacher (For us there’s always three of them, one old, one in the middle and one young for the kids) started to cry multiple times. And I get that. It’s a very tragic event.
Nate the demon was there as well, no wonder since his father is the preacher. He sat in front of Ma, and did asked about me.
Guess that guy is going to haunt me until I die. And I guess it haunts him that it won’t be by his hands.
Ma still thinks his a nice guy and holds him high because he is the preacher’s son.
And I guess he is good at pretending that he is.
I also got some gossip about one of our church members the old janitor. He’s been “missing” since Christmas, and wasn’t anywhere to be seen during the funeral either. His wife was there, claiming it’s all good with the janitor.
My Uncle said that he’s imprisoned for chasing young girls.
I’m so glad that I don’t have anything to do with that mess anymore.
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…2233…up way to early. One of “side effects” of eliminating caffeine is that I seem to be wide awake at 3am. It does enable me to get a lot done before I go to work.
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You are a real hero 
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I am learning so much from you
That’s the spirit (some pun intended 
)
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Day 120 AF
Up way too early considering I watched the Canucks clinch there spot into round 2 of the playoffs last night 
till 10:30pm. Oy, so late!
Lots of work today!
Enjoy your sober Saturday folks
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You are not alone @Mischa84 … glad it helps you to grab the phone and post. Sending you strength to get through. Half way through already. Then you’ll get your three hours four times a week back …
You are doing a great Mama job, taking them on the walks and all else.
One moment, one day at a time.
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764 days sober AF.
My sleep has been a bit crap lately which is making me feel exhausted through the day, to the point i cant work some days as i have to sleep. Hopefully it passes quickly.
I hope youre all doing well.
One moment, one day at a time.
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Thanks for support @acromouse @MrsOdh @Mno @Alisa and rest.
I will try to take some ‘only me’ time this weekend, go for a run or something.
Be careful Sophia what you’re saying We are planning to go to Sweden for a little vacation this, maybe next year. If someone gonna knock to your door and you will find 3 little boys standing there - probably they would be mine
About my husband - he can be utter dick sometimes but about kids stuff I must say he’s a bit right. We both trying to figure out all this parenting situation 
He say I am to soft amd give to much freedom to boys and that’s why I have it difficult. For example, I ask them what they want for breakfast. Usually one wants cereals, other bread with jam, other bread with ham. So I make it. He say I should just prepare something without even asking what they want. I can agree with that but I also want to make them happy and eat their breakfast with appetite. He say he just don’t like when he come back from work and see that they made my day difficult. Ofcourse its better to come back to happy wife and happy kids. But this is what it is. Always gonna be something to stress about. I think he’s just jealous about all that attention they get And he’s recharging his inner batteries by talking, planning, doing something together when kids are sleeping and I just need a rest, I don’t even want to talk. Usually I just wanna go to sleep already and staying at least one hour with him is like another duty. All day from the moment I wake up to the moment I hit the pillow I must serve those 4 fuckers. And I get complaints anyway.
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Milestone reached today is 11 months since I last thought “I’ll just buy a nice bottle of wine and have the odd glass here or there”. Of course, I drank the whole bottle and am only glad I resisted the temptation to go out to buy more. It seems sometimes I need to learn the lesson a few times over before it sinks in.
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