1382 days no alcohol.
847 days no cocaine.
362 days no vape.
0 days no binge-eating.
I was awake until 4:30am Wednesday morning, then woke again at 8am. It happens, but I was very tired and wasnāt able to fall asleep at my usual time again Wednesday evening either, which often means I donāt get much sleep at all, so I was very tired yesterday too, but I managed to sleep last night from 9:30pm-3am, so not bad.
On Wednesday, I spent a whole hour sealing the big boxes of oat flour up better, ready to return them, picking them up, carrrying them, and taking them to the parcel shop. The label printer allowed me to print the label 3 times (there were 3 big boxes), but then it wouldnāt let the cashier scan the label 3 times, only once, so he said we needed to join them all together, so then we stood them all on their ends and wrapped them with parcel tape. I donāt have much hope that they will reach their destination together, without getting separated, so I am not holding my breath on getting a refund, but I also thought addiction was going to kill meā¦
Until last night, Iād managed to not binge the whole contents of my fridge. I did eat a few slices of plain bread a couple of times, but only because I was genuinely hungry and didnāt have anything else that wouldnāt spike my blood sugar.
But then last night was a bit more, so Iāve reset my counter. I am having groceries delivered on Saturday afternoon, so I will have fruit for snacks, so long as I donāt binge it.
Today is my appointment with the Adult Eating Disorder Service. Iām very keen to hear the psychiatrists ideas on how they can support me this go around. Iāve just got off the train and on the bus from the station to the hospital.
Day 191. Up and at work, said my gratitude on the way into work and excited to see my girls. Ordered a new cologne the other day, mancera instant crush its called, i recieved it yesterday and i like it very much. When i first sprayed it yesterday i was very impressed but when i put it on this morning i dont feel like i notice it that much lol. Anyways the girls made some jewelry and tomorrow we are going to go sit out front of the house, sell some jewlary, lemonade and snocones. I cant lie part of me doesnt want to do it, mostly because i just dont want the interaction with people in tupper. But life isnt about me when im with my girls and this will be a good lesson for them in life. So ill make it happen, maybe play some music, to bad i couldnāt find a silly costume and dress up for them and advertise lol. Idk all i know is i need to make it the best experience for them, not me. Much love everyone stay sober.
Insomnia broke last night and I slept over 8 hours. I donāt know why. But I feel so much better, itās unreal.
Todayās plan is not to overdo. Did that last time. Became anxious, then couldnāt sleep well for weeks. Iām limited. Iāll do a few hours of work then read, write and work on recovery. If I can do that each day, Iāll be in great shape to return to life. This is the way. ODAAT
Why is it so hard to go Middle Way? Itās a good place to be
Day #173 its a day off in Bulgaria today and time to relax after this long week. On Monday my little queen Elizabeth had to bring to Vets clinic and on 21 May a mastectomy surgery was done and on 22th i took her back home but yesterday she wasnāt ok and i had to take her back to the Vets clinic. Now she will be there for 2-3 days under their care because the surgery was very big. At work also a lot of nerves and things i had and im glad that under this stress and pressure i didnāt pour a drink. I went little bit crazy in some situations but now i can say that im more calmed.
50 days no alcohol! Iām proud of that because today I had some intense cravings. I was doing the work for the 1st chapter of the trauma workbook and got frustrated with myself. Then had a flashback my anxiety went up and my mind went right to drinking. I couldnāt stop thinking about it and came up with a plan on how to get it. BUT I did some exercise, a meditation, took some breaths and then told my friend what I was feeling and then my temporary insanity was finished. I could feel myself calm down and the craving feelings went away. And I even ended up having a fairly good day after. Did some work and took care of myself so Iām feeling good about that.
Good afternoon.
Didnāt wrote earlier at morning because of partner. She tried to tell me everything is fine, so why she should go to psych ward (she decided for psych ward so she can as well get diagnosis of her suspected disorders)ā¦ But I think how my face at this moment looked told her everything and she stopped it and said she will go to the psych ward after school (she has school as me, she just goes to school every day while I have distance school so I go only on Saturdays. Yeah, complicated haha, but whatever).
Honestly realising that now I will be for a while alone isā¦ So comforting feeling. No, I donāt mean with it that I hate being with her, no. Just for the time how sheās active drinking and her mental health got worse, I started to feel every day more and more exhausted. I never knew when she will do something to herself. I never knew when another episode will come to her. I never knew if I will come back home and it will be too late if she did something to herself. When I was outside, at school or with friends, I didnāt concentrate at all, only at my partner, because I never knew what could happen. I was constantly ALWAYS worrying, especially few weeks after my partnerās attempt (she tried to overdose herself and she didnāt tell me about it). And now when I realise she will be in a place where she will be taken care of and will help her more than me (because at the end, Iām as well just a simple person, who has their own demons in head, Iām recovering from bunch of disorders, traumas and addictions and I as well I never know when I could be again in piece of shit in my life), I feel better. I feel like I can a bit rest now, do what I enjoy to do, explore things and talk to friends which I have now. Iām as well having final exams at June, so I really need to prepare and end grade in my school. Soooā¦ Yeah.
Today is all day raining and Iām kind of sleepy, so I will possibly make late lunch and enjoy company of computer and random serials haha. Maybe I will play The Sims 4, I added a lot of new mods there.
And how are you all? I hope youāre all okay, if not, Iām here with you.
Excellent work Laner! You used your tools and they worked! Iām happy for you, also for the hard work you started doing. Hoping it will help in giving you some relief from your history. And big congrats on reaching fifty days of sobriety, thatās huge!
Hi all, quick check in for the end of Day 3. Had all the thoughts and feelings this morning but a lady from AA happened to call me at that moment and pulled me out of it. So thankful for that call and thankful for this community and being able to check in and being able to read everyone elses thoughts and stories
Yes I was really feeling good about how I dealt with it! The other day I made a list of things to do in case I get a craving and I looked at it, followed it and it worked. Iām trying! And will keep working at things.
Sending you strength, and so proud of you for seeking extra support - i hope its as beneficial for you as possible and congrats on 1382 days, 847 days, and 362 days, youre doing amazing!!
sending strength š©µ
and congrats on 1382 days, 847 days, and 362 days, youre doing amazing!! 
