Day 343. Liverpool is proving fab for food. Had tapas last night which was great. Saw at least 8 hen parties wandering around. Lots of families out and about.
Off to see my parents again. Just going to spend a few hours there and then go shopping later on… Back to Cornwall tomoro. I do prefer it here to there oddly enough. It’s alot more vibrant.
Day 327
Things are going great. I’m in the best shape mentally and physically, probably of my whole adult life. A few people have commented on how confident I seem now. I feel it too.
But…
Coming up on a year I’m falling in to the ‘maybe I could moderate’ mindset. I’m so frustrated with myself. I’ve read this so many times on here and we all know the result. When I imagine drinking wine now it turns my stomach, and yet I still find myself entertaining it. I’m annoyed with myself, that, even though life is so much better, my brain is going back ‘there’, even fleetingly.
I need to invest more time in my sobriety again. Hence the check in today.
Hope you are all doing well. Much love X
@Whereswaldo
Thank you so much for listening, i appreciate your support and reassurance that I’m not alone 
@Matt
You’re 100% right, no matter what happens I know I can make it, even if its uncomfortable, and even if things dont get better (thst being said, they usually do at some point - like you said, life is full of ups and downs). It also helps to keep in mind that believing alcohol relaxes me is a false belief - even if it may feel relaxing initially, in the long run, it does the opposite of relax me, and only stresses me out more. Im in bed now, if I can’t fall asleep soon I may do a puzzle on my phone or something similar. I appreciate your recommendations 
@JazzyS
I think the urge is fueled by anxiety/fear, and sadness/loneliness. I don’t feel 100% safe where I’m currently at - I also have a tendency to imagine the worst case scenarios due to trauama, so my mind usually doesnt shut up on a REGULAR day, let alone being somewhere I genuinely don’t feel as safe 
I’ve been having intrusive thoughts of people breaking in, or being violent, and playing out in my head what I would do in that situation. Wish I could just turn off my brain and stop thinking about it. I’m also sad because leaving my cat home alone just makes me worry about him, and I honestly just miss him. Again, worrying about worst case scenarios - what if I come home and something happened to him? Unlikely, but my brain just doesn’t wanna shut up. And more than anything I just wish I could communicate to him that we will be back. His previous owner (my fiance) moved, and then he passed away, so his cats never saw him again. I worry that anytime we leave, he doesn’t know if we’re coming back. Ut breaks my heart. But I know he will be home waiting for me when I get there and I’m holding on to that. Thank you so much for your response and for allowing me the space to vent, I genuinely appreciate it.
Update: haven’t had anything to drink. Thank you everyone for helping me get through this. Thankfully I picked up some non alcpholic beer and non-alcoholic wine which was enough to help get me through the urges. I also went out to eat with my family and had some laughs, that helped bring some more positive energy into my night. Me and my dad went around and made sure all of the windows are locked, which was a long process - LOTS of windows, and very old building, so some of them weren’t really locking… but we figured it out. Helps ease my anxiety a little bit.
Currently in bed, I’m still feeling pretty uneasy, although a lot better compared to earlier. Just still uncomfortable. Hoping I can just sleep it off, and tomorrow will be a new day.
Hope everyone has a good night/day/morning
1820
Therapy was tough as we’re getting into a period of my life I need to address but I have been largely keeping away from until now, which is my adolescence. When, after three years of sexual psychological abuse by my elementary school teacher and my parents (finally) divorcing, I went and started to discover my sexuality, by having paid sex with older guys in a then seedy and grimy part of town.
The money earned I used to smoke my brains out on weed and hash. The habit of selling myself becoming the greatest secret in my life, which was shrouded in mystery anyway. Convinced of the total rejection that would fall upon me if anybody, friends, family, would ever find out. Rejection which was already the biggest fear in my life back then, and obviously still is as the job application that fell through last week made me feel the fear of that utter rejection all over again.
I’m so happy to have a therapist I trust and who is willing to work things through with me. Through talking, maybe try some emdr again, find a way to make that work in a bit softer way as a year ago emdr was too overwhelming for me. Or try other techniques. And do some work myself. I feel writing will help me. Right now I’m looking at pictures from that area in that time. Which is…let’s call it interesting for now. Sure makes me think and feel and recall.
And I could never do this work if I wasn’t sober and clean. And I need to do this. It’s work but it’s a work of love. One day at a time. Have as good a day as you all can friends. Clean and sober. We’re in this together. Love from Utrecht yesterday where my therapy place is.
@wahtisnormal Thanks for the update Zoe. And congrats on overcoming the cravings and triggers and urges. It’ll make surviving the next ones just that little bit easier. One urge at a time. In time these urges will all but vanish. Once we replace old habits with new, healthier ones. Hugs.
192 sugar
56 UPF
63 gluten
42 dairy
4 overeating
My mental health is still bad. Anxiety, dread and depression. It‘s my birthday. Not the way I envisioned it to be. I‘ll have some visitors today. This will definitely make the day better.
Happy Birthday Aga! Hoping the social event will make it a better day for you. 
Still working on it, lol.
That’s such a beautiful picture - I’m sorry to hear you didn’t get to bike today, but writing and eating good food sounds like an equally awesome plan for the day 
I’m so happy that you have a therapist you can truly trust, and that you feel safe here to be open about this - that takes some serious courage and speaks for how strong you are through all of this. I can understand the fear of rejection - know that you are completely welcome and accepted here, for all of who you are, and your presence here truly means a lot to so many people. I am so proud of you for facing this dark part of your life, and I am so sorry you went through that. I can’t even imagine all of the emotions you must be feeling and re-living. The fact you’re putting one foot in front of the other to work on this, and you’re doing it all sober, is truly amazing. Know that I’m rooting for you. We definitely are in this together and thank you so much for your response
Day 2262. Seems like twice a week my body just has to be awake way to early. The silver lining, i can get stuff done. I think I am just a little excited. The daughter is taking a class from where I work…so I get to hang out with her today.
Happy Birthday, Aga! Wishing you a wonderful day… and year! Contentment, peace, happiness, good health and good growth! xxx
Happy Birthday Aga🎂
Wszystkiego najlepszego, sto lat!
Happy Birthday!!
That was a brave share, Mno. I salute your chosen path in recovery. It’s rough now because it was too rough back then. Nevertheless, with time, things will lessen. They’re still there but not as intense. There’s so much freedom to be found 
Day 27 
I was going to drill those few holes and do a few bits for the tunnel/catio.
I decided actually to enjoy the little bit of nice weather we may have this weekend and actually just sit out there for an hour or two and go for a nice walk and prepare a nice dinner.
Stop and pause today to enjoy some of life, no rushing around, no feeling I should be doing stuff. Just enjoy today. Have a break and have a little fun doing some stuff I enjoy. Enjoy the present day. Peaceful and calm and happy 
If moments pop up where I over think, or feel anything negative that is okay. Today is not about those feelings. I will sit with them and let them pass and enjoy all the good moments in-between.
Have a lovely day all
Happy birthday Aga
182 days
Finished off our drive today. Wasn’t too hard but hard enough that a few times I thought to myself how did I ever do this stuff hungover.
Before we started driving for the day we got in a bush walk. It was awesome, had some very cool caves and river/stream parts to it
Me and my little mates
Also happy birthday @acromouse hope your day picks up a bit
@Butterflymoonwoman thank you 🩵 those toppers are so cool 
@Scorpn congrats on 600 days
@ladybug1974 welcome back
@Leveller congrats on double digits
@Danwood85 congrats on 40 days
@JazzyS thank you 🩵 I will see what the psych says about it when I tell him next Friday. I hope you’re getting some sleep 
@Louloubelle I’m glad things are going well don’t let your guard down, stay connected 🩵
@Mno wishing you strength and healing as you enter this next phase in therapy 🩵
@acromouse sorry you’re struggling I hope the visits help. Happy Birthday 
1390 days no alcohol.
855 days no cocaine.
370 days no vape.
5 months no impulsive spending.
0 days no binge-eating.
Checking-in with yesterday’s numbers…
There is less food left, nothing to binge on, so I’m feeling less anxious and pre-occupied now. Things should improve.
My mental state is appaling. I’m feeling unable to do my usual routine things, and it’s making me feel really low. This time of year there would usually be a lot of sunshine to help combat the SAD, but there isn’t. I just hope there’s not too much of a wait between current therapy ending on Monday, and when my sessions with the psychiatrist start.
Today I am not putting pressure on myself to commit to anything.
🩵
Thank you for the message
Are you in the UK? Either way, I know what you’re saying about the lack of sunshine.
Be kind to yourself. I hope you have a peaceful day X
Sorry to hear you’re feeling off. Just wanna say o really appreciate your words you’ve said to me over the last couple months. Always appreciate them and they mean alot. You mean alot to me mate. Thank you 
Day 199. Good morning sober fam, so i did download the dating app again and well i did start talking to someone. Who i found out actually works at the hospital with me lol, we have been talking a couple days and its been pleasant. Last night i was laying down and around 9 she was home and said she really would like some chicken wings and a drink. I said fuck it and was like well lets go get some wings, we met at a bar. Which thankfully was dead, and she was beautiful. She ordered a drink she didnt seem drunk or anything and i did get a n.a drink we talked for a while and then played a game of pool, she was just very down to earth i really liked how she actually looked in my eyes when she talked and idk didnt seem to mind that the bar was empty and not a crazy party. We did leave and walked to another part of town where there were more bars and, there was definitely a younger crowd and it was a little nerve wracking. She was respectful and said i dont want go if its uncomfortable for me. I said ill make a deal, if i get nervous ill let you know. It was definitely different in the younger crowd, lots of drunk people who just seemed wacked out of their minds. I was in a very protective mode, but she made me comfortable, she didnt like look for other guys attention she stayed right with me the whole time. We tried one more place and then i said ok i was gonna head home, she called a uber and went home herself. It was a great time for the most part. We both would like to see eachother again. But i was proud of myself for making sure i stayed safe. Anyways im at work and looking forward to a good day, much love everyone i hope you all have amazing days too
