It’s okay I am still grief-stricken over it. I even feel shame even admitting it half the time. I am a type A personality so totally against what I am wired for. But I know this is the course I am on and each day it will get there.
Some days I think how many times I took my ability to walk for granted. How many times I thought never me in a wheelchair?
It sucks at times. As much as sure I can say well I can’t do much so I can buy things to pitty myself - not helping. It’s just a temporary lift to a permanent condition.
Perhaps this is where I finally gain sobriety and acceptance over what is?
Day #221
Its too hot here +33 C ( around 91 F) its hard to sleep without AC
Last night started new painting (again painting by numbers) this will be the final result.
Checking in on day 403 AFAF.
I’m at the airport seeing off my 15 year old son on a trip to visit his German girlfriend. It’s the first time he’s travelled solo and we’re all pretty nervous. Just waiting on his flight to board at the moment. Glad to be doing this sober for sure.
Being grateful has been a hard thing for me. I wanted it to be, but somehow I never could and never seemed to work. However things are shifting in this field, I’m grateful for the friends that came over to watch to semi-final of the European Football championships. Grateful they respected that my house is a alcohol free zone even at such an occasion. Grateful I seem to have friends that don’t mind, it has been a hurdle to invite people over for diner and occasions like this……
#Progress not perfection#setting boundaries doesn’t mean rejection
Jasmine, friend, you are totally invited to my party. Your support and kindness have been such a boost for me on this journey. I am immensely grateful for you!
Checking out of day 115.
I think I’ve been in my own head the last couple of days and starting to feel a bit undervalued and underappreciated. I need to remember bigger things are happening to others right now. I need to support them as they have me in my times of need.
Focus on what I’m doing and what I’m in control of.
Day 239. Had a good day off yesterday. Fixed my bike and ordered some new parts, nice new derailleur with clutch, new 8 speed freewheel and shifter and new chain bc this one got bent. Today at work got put where i have zero clue what im doing never been trained here at all. But im ok, ordered a new dirtbike for june bug she should be a happy camper
Awe thanks friend. I am super excited for you and already have my party hat on …we really do help and support each other and I’m grateful for you and this community
Just woke up before work. Have 9.5 hours between ny shift last night and my shift this morning… got 3.5 hours of sleep. Havent been to muay thai in like 2 months and I feel really guilty about it. But its always something, and it’s always so hard to find the energy. I was planning on going tonight after work but having gotten 3.5 hours of sleep, and with how I’ve been doing lately… i truly think i need to prioritize sleep and self care in other ways first. I just feel bad.
Had a conversation with my therapist yesterday where I voiced my fear of turning into my mother (mental health-wise). Her state of mind has progressed into something so hopeless and untreatable because of the fact she refuses help. She doesn’t know whats real and whats not, and she hasnt had a job since I was a kid.
The thought that mental health conditions run in families and I could be predisposed to something that I’m not aware of yet, absolutely terrifies me. I started tearing up on the way home from work last night because my therapist said that my future is unknown, but what matters is how I take care of myself in order to help prevent anything from happening. The fact my future is unknown and I could end up equally detached and delusional and unable to maintain any relationships at all, have no friends, and not be able to hold a job, there’s nothing more depressing to think about. Of course I know its not guaranteed to happen. But the fact that I’m predisposed to that happening is honestly gut-wrenching and part of me (now I’m crying) just doesnt know what to do. I could end up being completely fine. Or I could end up doing everything in my power to make sure that doesnt happen, and it still happens. I don’t want my life to turn into nothing.
Therapist mentioned thats another reason why it’s important to move out as soon as I can, to move into a calm environment and decrease this stress I’ve always known.
I just want a hug, and to curl up into a ball and go back to sleep.
Stick with it, you will get to a place where it’s not such a battle anymore. I’ve 12 days down and that anxiety is much less than it was. I won’t lie, there are stressful / upsetting times that can still trigger, but my mindset has changed. I don’t want to lose the sober days I’ve done, now I can ‘play the tape forward’ and I’m repulsed by what tomorrow looks like if I give in.
Those better days are ahead, just hang tight. After 2 weeks you should feel more in control. It’s only a small snapshot in time compared to the freedom you will have if you stick with it. You got this, just take one day at a time
Slept a bunch last night. I desperately needed that. 9 hours.
It’s so bright! July 11th. I’m trying not to hate July too much. It can’t help it that it sucks. The heat wears on your body and mind and there’s no end in sight. Let me go embrace that sun and get the poor plants watered! They can’t help themselves but I can.
its hard to sleep without AC 
