Day 999 AF
TW: domestic violence
Sup, gang.
I’m not sure if I’ll be able to post tomorrow for my 1k. Gonna be busy with work and helping my sister with her babyshower.
Haven’t shared my story with everyone. Just bits and pieces on different threads. Gonna leave some stuff out for personal reasons. I apologize for grammar in advance. I’m not the best writer.
I grew up with an alcoholic dad. I had two step brothers and one step sister. My dad hated my step brothers with a passion. They never got along. He would get drunk and start arguing with my mom about it. Almost every other night, there was an argument. I was only a toddler at the time. The arguments escalated to violence. He would beat my step bros to a pulp. I remember there was a day when my dad smashed my bro’s head onto the dining table and broke his teeth. Nights where he would randomly start beating them. There was one night he punched my mom on the head and cracked her open. I remember like it was last night. The blood flowed down her head. It fucked with me all through my childhood. I couldn’t sleep cuz I thought he was gonna drink and start a fight. I would wet my bed from the fear. He tried changing things around and said he was gonna stop drinking. I’m not sure how long he stayed sober. But that didn’t stop the arguments with my bros and mom.
Anyway, flash forward, I was always a nerdy kid during my middle school days. Hung out with the skaters. I would get straight A’s and 4.0s. But that changed when I started my freshman year in high school. Started dressing differently. Hung out with the wrong crew. Taggers (graffiti crews). I was 14/15 years old when I went to a kick-back at a hotel and had my first beer. It tasted like shit. I didn’t like it at first. But I wanted to be cool and fit in. I slowly started drinking a few beers here and there. I had some friends who lived in the same apartment complex. I had gone over to drink. I had a couple of 40 oz of Mickeys and some other nasty ass beers. That was the first time I ever got fucked up. I woke up with the nastiest headache. I didn’t know it was a hangover. Barfing and shit. I said I was NEVER gonna drink again after that. I kept getting fucked up at parties and hangouts. Blackouts. Started venting and crying about my past and trauma. I was always that drunk crying dude, smh. Going to school hungover and barfing in the classroom.
I met my wife my sophomore year. She was down to earth. Cute. She had a bf at the time. I just really really liked this girl. Idk what it was about her. She was different from the other girls. We’d talk and chill. I would walk her to class. We had gone to a house party together, and I was super drunk. I tried kissing her, but she rejected it because she was dating someone. I remember I yelled at her and then left. Shit was kinda awkward at school the following Monday. I didn’t know what to say. She said I was a good friend and didn’t expect that from me. She was hurt. I kept my distance after that. Anyway, her boyfriend broke up with her towards the end of the school year. I wanted to ask her out, but I was too damn shy. I kinda mentioned to her, but it wasn’t direct. I ended up getting kicked out of my primary school due to my grades. I had straight Fs. From ditching and drinking, smoking weed. After getting kicked out, I started to miss her. I missed her a lot. We still talked on Myspace, but it wasn’t the same. I knew she was single and needed to make a move before someone else did. So I took the city bus from my continuation school to her primary school to ask her out, and she said yes. I was happy AF. I couldn’t believe it. My first high school girlfriend. It kinda sucked because we were at different schools. Anyway, things happened between us, and a lot of things started changing. I was still boozing and smoking. I became toxic AF. I started treating her badly. We both ended up taking down our MySpace accounts due to drama with other girls. I was young and immature. After high school, I started working at a fast food joint and ran into a good friend. I began to hang out with him and his crew. We’d be together every weekend. Drinking and smoking, he got me into doing cocaine. Going to parties and hanging out with girls. Cocaine and weed weren’t my thing. Cocaine made me bleed a lot and felt like I was gonna have a heart attack. Weed would get my paranoid. I didn’t like the feeling. So I stopped. I’d be hungover at work. Found another job at a grocery store. I’d literally be barfing at the register in front of customers. I’d sleep in the freezer box to shake the hangover. All bad.
Anyway, my wife moved in with me at my parents’ apartment when she was 20 years old. We thought it would solve some of our issues. But nah, things got worse. I was drinking heavily. I gained a lot of weight during my mid-20s due to the booze and late night fast food. I was about 125 and went up to like 190. It fucked with me mentally. Don’t wanna make the story long. But I was fucked up to her. I’d get mad when we wouldn’t do things. Thought she was doing stuff behind my back. I would drunk text and call other girls. I tried taking breaks from booze but would only last a few days. She got pregnant with our first child. We fought on her bday because of my drunk ass. She left, and we got back together. It was always ME starting shit, not her. I wanted to take a break from booze. I only got to 2 months and thought I could moderate. Shit was just up and down roller coaster from there. We moved out from my parents and got our own apartment. Things went well for a while, but I fell back into my drunken rage. We’d go to family parties, and I’d get drunk. Started arguments. There were times I’d run out of the car in the middle of the intersection. Luckily, I never i got struck by a car. My wife would be out there in the night looking for me. There was a night we went clubbing with my best childhood friend and his girl. I was drunk and started hitting on my best friend’s girl!? Smfh. My friend and I got distant after that. My wife hated my guts. I’d always told her I’d change. I tried quitting time after time. 10 days, 2 weeks, 30 days, 60 days, 90s, and 6 months was my longest stretch. I never thought about sobriety as a long-term. I’d always fall into the moderation trap. I went for another 6 months and thought I had it under control. But one of my high school friends passed away. It hit me hard. Still can’t believe he’s gone. I went back to drinking after that. Got fucked up daily. Punched holes in my bathroom door. My eldest son saw me drunk a couple of times. I remember his face in fear. But that didn’t stop me.
The last time I got fucked up in mid October 2021. My friend had invited me to his wife’s babyshower. We already had our 2nd child by then. He was only 2 years old. Anyway, we were all drinking at the babyshower. Including my wife. I was kinda buzzed and thought my wife was flirting with one of my friends. I didn’t confront her there. But I was angry and started drinking more and faster. I texted her and told her we had to go. I kept my cool because it was a drive from our home, and I had the kids with us. My wife was too buzzed to drive. We started heading out and realized I couldn’t drive. I stopped at a gas station and tried sobering up. I drank a lot of electrolyte drinks and washed my face with cold water. We were in the parking lot for about 30 minutes. I did a test drive and was able to handle it. Drove home on the slow lane. After we got home, I waited for the kids to sleep. I began drinking whatever I had in the fridge. Truly, modelos, etc. I saw something on my Snapchat that got me mad. We got into an argument, and I took off walking to the nearest bar. Not sure how many drinks I had there. Started taking shots. Bought shots for a party. Wasted about $300. My cellphone had died and wanted to charge it. So I walked home drunk. I don’t remember how I got home. I have flashbacks of falling a few times. We started arguing again. I had drunked called one of my girl coworkers. Woke up the following morning not remembering much. Saw holes in my bathroom door. Idk. Something hit me that morning. I got tired of the bullshit. I’m tired of the arguments. Hangovers. I was just done. I didn’t want that life anymore. Began my day one. I didn’t have help. It was all sheer willpower. I’d walk a lot in the beginning. Had the worst withdrawals. Flu-like symptoms. Headaches. Nightly sweats. I didn’t think I could do it. But I kept think about all those fucked up drunken nights. Began walking daily. Stumbled on this app about 120 days in. I wanted to count my sober days. At first, I thought you guys were bots and didn’t bother reading much or posting. My bad. Don’t hurt me. Anyway, I began reading a lot of stories, people I could relate to. It was a game changer. Found replacement drinks. Started exercising. Kept myself busy. Stayed away from events. Kept pushing. The days slowly started climbing. I had my moments, but sobriety was my goal. Beat my 6 month stretch, and I made it to a year, and then 2. I couldn’t believe I was doing it. The toughest part was realizing how fucked up I was to my family, my wife, my friends. Thinking about my trauma and how my mom stayed up at night telling me everything was gonna be okay. Putting my own family through a similar situation. It just killed me inside. It drained me. I was becoming that same fuckin monster I hated. I still hate myself for a lot of things. I’m just trying to make things better now. Be a better person, a better human. Life is too short for bullshit. I wanna thank everyone on here for saving me. Love you guys. Congrats to everyone on your sober time. I wish you the best with your journey. ODAAT 
. Also tidied all the bedroom wardrobes with some help from Bear. For a little one he can jump well…
I’m glad I walked it around as when there three tiny kittens were brought in and surrendered in a cat carrier case with a plastic bag around it 
Good on you!
months Sebastian 
