Day 649
I’m exhausted 
But sober. And thats all that matters
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Checking in on this hot day 
It’s been so humid here our central air evaporator coil is junk so it’s been super hot in our house the last few days. I have a buddy that owns an hvac company that’s going to come look at it on Monday so we’ve been melting. but the plus side is the weekend is here and I can chill in the pool and I swear I will not step out until I look like a raisin 
and I swear I’ve had it with the humidity. I’d totally open the windows but I swear Minnesotas mosquitos are big enough they would literally carry me off . So on to my work week we’ve literally been waiting for parts since Monday-Tuesday
Nothing else showed up I pushed a broom and cleaned with two of my coworkers for the rest of the week our shop looks so freaking clean I’d literally eat off the floor. The worst part is I’d lost a couple sockets of the last year and I swore they fell behind the bench but once we got it out to clean behind it they weren’t there so the mystery goes on I’ve already replaced them but dang it’s one of those things that makes you go hmmmm 
@Just_Laura do you have any specific brand you prefer for the vitamins?
I hope everyone has a safe sober Saturday morning
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-20-
You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and bumps into you or shakes your arm, making you spill your coffee everywhere.
Why did you spill the coffee?
“Because someone bumped into me!!!”
Wrong answer.
You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup.
Had there been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea.
Whatever is inside the cup is what will spill out.
Therefore, when life comes along and shakes you (which WILL happen), whatever is inside you will come out. It’s easy to fake it, until you get rattled.
So we have to ask ourselves… “what’s in my cup?"
When life gets tough, what spills over?
Joy, gratitude, peace and humility?
Anger, bitterness, victim mentality and quitting tendencies?
Life provides the cup, YOU choose how to fill it.
Today let’s work towards filling our cups with gratitude, forgiveness, joy, words of affirmation, resilience, positivity; and kindness, gentleness and love for others.
(I don’t know who originally wrote this)
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@Tragicfarinelli I’ve noticed that my heart tends to race at night when it’s really hot too. I think it has to do with the body trying to cool down I’m sorry you’re dealing with mold. I had that problem a couple years ago and it took my landlord over 6 months to fix 
I don’t recall reading about your mosquito bite issue, but it reminded me of something I went thru. I hate to even bring it up but I feel like I should just in case. In 2010, I thought I had recurrent mosquito bites but they lasted too long. My ex wasn’t affected, so I thought I had a skin condition. Nothing relieved it. In the end it turned out we had bedbugs 
I pray this isn’t your case 
but I would feel bad not mentioning it and finding out it was, weeks from now, bc the sooner you know, the better.
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I didn’t realize it was almost full moon. That would definitely explain my pain intensity. Actually felt pretty good most of the day, until the end. Work had me in a piss poor mood. We’ve hired so many new people but they’re all clueless and useless. There’s more staff on at one time than ever before but we’re functioning like we’re short staffed! It’s like I’m constantly retraining everyone I’m working with, who’ve already ‘been trained’, but they just don’t get it. Like they have no common sense. I shouldn’t have to work twice as hard with twice as many people around! It’s exhausting in every way 
On a positive note, I have high hopes for the brand new server I trained tonight 
Anyway. Work again in the morning. At least it’s with my 2 closest coworkers and I’ll be out by 4. Can’t wait.
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Specific brands matter don’t matter to me. I usually get mine at Walmart and it’s mostly all the same brand. I just look at the content. Your body stores fat soluble vitamins (A,D,E,K), as well as many minerals, so pay attention to percentages. Some of them are outrageous, unnecessary numbers. Over doing something when you aren’t deficient can lead to toxicity.
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Did yours stay in one area though as mine are definite bites from the 5th May that I got clearing and cutting a thick hedge. Spiders or mosquitos, I don’t want to think about it… They are behaving today, but ready to emerge again at any given point. They are very annoying but the drs say it’s possible as I’m (mildly) allergic to their toxicity. Feels crazy it’s been over two months now actually, I miscalculated.
The heart thing was weird. You could be right it was sweltering hot
The mould thing, I can’t think about now until Monday. 
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@Mno thank you, its reassuring to hear that 
@acromouse thank you so much 
a shower and mindfulness did help.
@Mira_D thank you so much for the suggestion, i am definitely goong to try that. It sounds like it will help. Thank you for the words of encouragement
Thank you everyone for always being here to listen. I’m sorry i haven’t been responsive to many people. So hard to find the energy but know that I care about all of you and truly appreciate every one of you
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Coming on here because I just broke down crying. Was hanging out with family and wanting to feel connected to them but they kept talking about things that I don’t know about so I staydd quiet and just felt more and more disconnected from them even though I was sitting with them. One of them is moving across the country and I only have tonight and tomorrow to spend time with them so I’m disappointed that I ended up feeling this way. One of them asked me what was on my mind and I voiced my concerns about my trip and how I’m worried about the safety of me and my friend. I was just starting to feel heard, and feel included in the conversation and then someone else cut it off and chanved topic. I wanted to hang out with my family to feel more connected to them, and instead I ended up feeling the opposite. Stayed for a little while longer still silent before heading to my room and started crying because everything feels so heavy, depression set in and was just feeling like everything in life always ends up hurting, life is filled with so much pain, i try and try every day to be happy and to find joy in things, even go on exciting trips and try to see the world while I can, its like Im trying everything I can, and at the end of the day, life still just hurts. Like whats the point. I feel so much pain in my heart that everything is temporary, my whole family will eventually not be here anymore and I know I’m going to have to endure all of that pain its as if I’m already experiencing it, just knowing it’s inevitable. I haven’t felt this low in a while. Realistically i knkw im just stressed out so everhthing is compounding but at the same time it’s all so true. The last time and only time I was genuinely happy in my life for a consistent period of time was when I was with my fiance and he’s been dead for 3 years now. My heart just hurts so much for so many reasons. I’m just sad. I’m tired of working, I’m tired of so much. I just want to drink to numb everything away but I’m three days away from 100 days. If I wasnt this close, I would probably just say fuck it.
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Day 141
2:32 am. 
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Waves …. If we were not in two different time zones this could be a club.
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TragicF! 
What would we call our club? My creativity is non-existent attm. 
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The Midnight Oilers.
The Dentists 
(two thirty)
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Day 392.up early. Weather is shocking. So I’m listening to sigor ros and having a coffee or two. Hopefully it will stop raining but I’m not convinced it will
May use it as an opportunity to listen to music and do some house chores?
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Thank you so glad waking up this morning I did not give in
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@wahtisnormal I really am glad sharing here is of some help for you 
and I am sorry you are experiencing this amount of depression. I understand your mind is currently focusing a lot on negative thoughts. One suggested tool was the worry journal. Another one is mindfulness training. There is another one I find useful in my toolbox: creating meaning. What can you do today, right now that you think of as meaningful? This can be very simple: Connecting with nature, giving somebody a smile, being of help, doing something relaxing for your body, connecting with a friend. You can wait for meaning to manifest in your life, or you can go and search out meaning opportunities. Don’t give up. As you already said: Everything is impermanent. This also is true for depression.
@Just_Laura Wishing you some well deserved stress relief from your work situation 
@zzz So many thanks for posting the spilled cup story My mind was running circles of resentment this morning, and I really do not want my cup to be filled like that. Now you not only helped me to empty the drags of resentment out of my cup, you filled I with gratitude and kindness. Thank you friend! 
@Lefty624 Yeah, you know about the lost stuff. There are these critters that will munch on everything. That’s how socks get lost, screws. Maybe you have a kind there specializing in sockets 
Have fun in the pool today 
@SoberWalker Ugh, the synopsis of the movie sounds scary in a very uncomfortable way 
@JazzyS Yay to the quiet of early mornings, and to kicking addictions. I’ve heard smoking is an especially hard one 
@Mossy91 Congrats on getting through your cravings. You are doing the hard work, one moment at a time 
@Lile01 Huge congrats on one full week! Your leg of lamb does sound delicious 
What veggies did you decide on in the end?
@Cmillington Well done on five days. Especially when you are surrounded by alcohol. That is a tough situation to be in. Can you ask your fiance to take a brake from his beers for a while? Can you do something else while he is drinking his beers?
@AdultImprover Good job on realising how fast things change mood wise, from a total downer to being happy and vice versa. That’s a thing lots of us used to try to manage with our DOCs, not feeling one way, feeling another way. So you are in mood training boot camp right now. You are doing great! Congrats on your interview opportunity 
241 sugar
105 UPF
112 gluten
11 dairy
7 overeating
It’s going to be a hot day around here today. So I did my groceries already in the morning, now I’ve got stuff around the flat, taking care of my IT-tools and the house plants before I go off on my trip on Monday. And then the only option for the afternoon will be the pool 
I’m not even sure I’ll do any yoga today in this heat.
No matter what comes our ways: Let’s try it with peace, kindness and freedom friends 
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Checking in on day
437 no alcohol
367 no ciggs or vapes 77 no form of nicotine
37 no form of marijuanna
Had 2 very amazing Christmas dreams lastnight…i even had that Christmas vibe when i woke up
Very cool
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The 1st christmas dream i ate a christmas dinner and was givin s christmas ornament by my best friends mom who passed
Then i told a little girl named marical about it who i have never met be4
Then i woke up in the best mood
Then in the second dream i told my best friend this might be what it would have been like if i hadnt been so shy then him, his brother, marical and his cuzzens snd aunt got in s big suv snd drove away during a snowfall christmas morning
I woke up at 4am in the best mood again
Got out of bed at 5am
Got my chores done
Here at work at 6:40 to start at 7
Getting better at driving
Feeling comfortable behind the wheel. 
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231 days
Uneventful day. Busy nightshift so far.
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@Twizzlers thank you so much 
yeah it got pretty bad when I was driving to the most dangerous areas of the city to find places that sold them in the middle of the night, I was vaping for about 40-50mins every hour, it was insanity, glad to be off that wheel. It’s been a long slow journey but I’m almost off NRT now as well, down to just the mouthspray and 1 lozenge per day.
@Lighter thank you 
congrats on 6 months vape-free 
@Laner angry is a healthy and valid response to all you’ve been through, and you dealt with it in a healthy way, so well done for that 
@19801 welcome congrats on days 4 and 2
@Ray_M_C_Laren congrats 
@JazzyS thank you
@Seizetheday congrats on 200 days
@DanaM56 agreed, that isn’t very realistic at all, I’m sorry about how stressful everything is Hoping you find something else asap 
@AdultImprover congrats on getting an interview best of luck
@Lile01 congrats on your week 6 miles is a very decent walk too
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