Oooh …no…I am not ready for that nasty white stuff 
. I wish it didn’t have to come after autumn 
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2y5m7d
Today has been a good day! Its been too hot for my liking but i cant complain. Got some serious Vitamin D today, which i probably needed. The gym was good this morning, work was good, my son and husband are good, we ate a good supper, and now just getting my son ready for bed. I cant wait for a nice cold shower later to cool off in this heat. Hubby bought icecream for an evening snack so that will help also. Im grateful for everything I have today. Everything in my life today is thanks to my HP and to living a life in recovery. Sooo blessed 
Have a great evening everyone!
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It might snow here once a year. Usually, 
ice! So I just want a dusting of snow this year. Twice. Otherwise, sunny.
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Can anyone tell me why after a fun filled day, all I can think about while laying in bed, is cutting??? I don’t understand that even positive feelings bring up these urges. Ugh. Its very frustrating.
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I gotta take @JazzyS side on this one 
I love Halloween and all too, but it does remind me there’s months of grey, bitter cold coming our way 
Snow’s pretty, but that’s about it.
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1870
It’s my working Sunday which is fine. Extra pay for me. I slept pretty well considering the heat. It also cooled a bit which will suit me. I’m not ready for autumn / fall though. Summer hardly even started here so please stop that talk about snow and pumpkins and stuff friends. Let’s just have as good a day as we all can. Sober and clean. Love.
@Jules000 I don’t know much about self harm, but I know something about addiction and this sounds like it to me. Like I drank on any occasion possible and thought about it all the time when I didn’t. Not only when sad or stressed, always. Physical addiction to the stuff and habit. Maybe the same is happening here. Maybe talk to a professional about it too? Please take care fiend. Hugs.
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*Day 2132 
Early bird here! Got out of bed by 4.45.
My watched said yesterday I needed some extra sleep and I hoped to get some but awake is awake 
Did a exhausting crossfit training yesterday followed up by a 9 km/5,5 mile walk in the heat 
But I felt satisfied. The walk was with friends so it was nice to catch up.
Today? To the cinema with a friend and lunch afterwards.
Have a good day ore night all and let’s do it sober
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@Tragicfarinelli My bites did start in one area for a couple months. Around my shoulder and arm that I slept on, and they do look like mosquito bites but they’re itchier. It went on for 6 months before I saw the first bug and by then it was so bad we ended up having to throw out our bed and couches. Took over a year to get rid of them completely. I just wish we knew sooner. That’s the only reason I brought it up. I’m glad you were feeling better today 
I hope all these annoying issues of yours gtfo of your life
521
Woke up exhausted and super sore. My neck hurt right from the start of the day, instead of just later on at night. We had alot of setting up to do for parties, which meant alot of heavy lifting all day. I was dead by the end. Layed down for a bit and most of the pain subsided for a while, but it’s back now 
I finally started my cycle, just in time for the full moon. It’s the absolute worst time to have it but it’s been consistent for close to a year now. Stupid nature 
Anyway. So tired. Just have to make it thru my lunch shift tomorrow and I can really relax. Goodnight
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@JazzyS the new job starts 01.09. Got another 6 weeks freetime. Start getting nervous a bit. It is not realistic. They were very kind.
173 days AF
Checking in
Bit nervous. Anxious.
It’s about the new job.
And about the guy I had these dates with. Who told me he is in a relationship after 2 dates. And now he is asking for another date. No? Simply no. I am anxious as he knows some details about me. But I also know details about him. Especially that he is a cheater. In situations like this, I have an experience coming up in situations like this … That is 22 years ago. Had a stalker. Still making it hard for me to trust. Hope the situation will calm down.
Work.
Progress.
I will get back to some work and get my standards and deal breakers clear again.
Got a heat here over Germany that is making it hard for me to think clearly. Hope the rain comes soon and maybe I can even push some lanes in the evening again. Paused yesterday due to the weather (too crowded). Anyway it’s better for me to pause from time to time.
Trying to get into my body now. Meditation, shower, somatic excersices…
I don’t question anything about sobriety.
On my way home
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It’s like that for me sometimes too. Like my mind telling me I shouldn’t have had such a good day? Or maybe out of habit because it’s something that I used to do so regularly that I should do it no matter how my day went? Idk but I think Mno is right saying this
I needed help from a professional more than once. Sometimes just talking it out is helpful, other times we may need a bit more care. But for now, just breathe and think of all the good things, your good day and all the things that made you happy today. Get some rest and when you wake up hopefully the urge to sh will have passed.
Much love 
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Day 650
Today has had some fun moments for sure! Got to take the kids to the science center and to get pizza and drive around sight seeing.
There were also moments that were frustrating, but I am going to look past them and try to remember only the good parts
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Thanks @JazzyS and @19801 for your replies.
I ended up sleeping 9 1/2 hours last night and woke up with a big head ache. I’ve been in a really bad mood today. My son wouldn’t nap so I put him in the car to take him for a drive to sleep.
After we were driving for 2 minutes he cried about needing to change a nappy so I pulled over on the side of the road to change it. There was plenty of space on the side of the road. As I was tending to him 2 cars flew past at over 100km/h in a 60km/h zone (60mph in a 30mph roughly). Kind of the last straw for me today. They pulled up at a park just a couple hundred metres ahead. I got back in my car and drove past them and absolutely screamed at them to never drive that fast again. Everyone at the park looked at me. It was really embarassing but holy crap it felt good. I think I made the young guys who were driving crap themselves.
It was 2 cars both on their P plates (first year of license).
I shouldn’t have done that as who knows what they could have done to me if they wanted to fight plus I had my kid with me. It was really reckless and I think has revealed my unstable state.
My wife is already upset with me for being in a mood today so I feel really helpless and I don’t know what to do.
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I’m here, I’m alive, I’m sober and I’m happy.
Day 144.
Didn’t have the time to check in yesterday. We slept in and then we went to a nearby city. We where supposed to look at a beautiful waterfall and then go to Engjy Benjy for a bbq he invited us to. Then Engjy Benjy realized that he needed to pick up some parts again so we had to help him, and spent the afternoon doing that instead.
I wasn’t really happy about that.
When we finally arrived at his trailer It was like something from an American movie.
A complete mess of trash and auto parts and tools. A home made “Porch” that was literally some wooden beams with a tarpaulin over. Mud floor, and on that “porch” there was a washing machine and a bbq which was the “laundry room and kitchen”
He had built the “bathroom” himself where the “ventilation” was a whole in the wall.
It was dirt and oil and dog hair and just to much for me so I got anxiety.
Couldn’t eat, my 14 y/o couldn’t eat in that mess either. When we finally where on our way home he wanted the kids to try the ATV (four wheeler) I said No because it’s too big for the kids. He insisted my 12 y/o tried and crashed. He didn’t got hurt other than scraping his knee, but still.
Then Engjy Benjy was gonna show how to drive properly and did an even worse crash right in the ditch so it broke down.
My 14 y/o got both scared that his brother might have been hurt and disappointed because he couldn’t drive.
So on the way home I once again used my triumph card Nate, because we where in the town where he works,got him to actually meet us and show us some “Cool military things” including a parked tank.
I’ve said it before, I’m not looking forward to him calling in the favors. At least he is nice and helpful. We where Lucky too, his vacation starts at Monday.
Everyone was happy eventually, no one got any injury that they needed to go to the hospital for, and Engjy Benjy did fix our car. So despite all the trouble it was an okey day.
Today there will be some garden work, mowing the lawn and such. Also a graden bbq at home.
It’s supposed to rain tomorrow, and on Tuesday we’ve promised to help my Ma going to the city dump. Not looking forward to that either, but it’s only a few hours and then I’ll be free to have vacation for real.
That’s all Folks 
Wishing y’all a wonderful day.
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If that helps my husband have done the same a few times. There’s a 70 km/h road outside our house, and it’s a straight road so cars go a lot faster than that.
One time he got one of the “kids” that drives frequently here outside our local store, and asked him how he thought it would feel to crash into our garden and accidentally kill someone, a kid for example.
That guy doesn’t drive that fast past our house now.
And every time we’re on an adventure entering a big city we make a bet on how long time it’ll take until my husband gets an angry road rage outburst. I’m usually right with my 4 mins 
winner gets to choose our ice cream spot for the day.
We all loose our temper sometimes, and sometimes it’s just the smallest thing that makes it too much. It’s okey as long as no one gets hurt, and we are aware that it might be a problem.
Hope you feel better soon.
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232 days
Slept till the afternoon after nightshift. Had to call in suck for tonight as tiredness and being out in the weather helped this flu/cold thing take hold.
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@MrsOdh That was an eventful day you had there for sure. Wishing you a very relaxing day today after all that chaos yesterday 
@Whereswaldo Hey friend 
I am sorry to hear you are experiencing such bad moods. First thing that helps me in these situations is to realise: This will pass. Everything changes, moods do too. Second thing: You are not your mood. You are experiencing this mood, but you are not the same as your mood. Third thing: Mindfulness training. Concentrate on your imediate sensory experience: Name 4 things you can see, you can hear, you can feel on your skin, you can smell, you can taste. Practice mindful breating and staying in the moment. Don’t let yourself get carried away by moods, emotions or thoughts. Moods, emotions, and thoughts are ephemeral. They come, they go, they change. Don’t try to fight them, but also don’t identify with them. Lastly: Do something physically engaging like household chores, walking, working out, singing, etc. And come back and share here with us. Stay connected. Sending you a big wave of positive relaxation 
@Juli1 I’m sorry to hear that guy triggered distressing feelings about past experiences. I think you are doing the right thing though: Grounding yourself in the present. I get you on the heat. My brain feels like pudding today, all that heat and humidity. Sending you cool air for a cool mind 
@Just_Laura Hope you get to feel better soon 
@Mno Here with you on the summer. I want to have some time for cycling left 
@Jules000 I very much hope your urges have lessened by now. Addiction is always the same: It will use any - ANY - excuse to get you to engage in the behaviour you are addicted to. Take the urges as your brain firing the wrong kind of neurons cause it is used to it. It has nothing to do with any specific triggers. It’s just a wiring that keeps repeating itself. If you neither engage nor try to repress the brain will rewire itself with time. It’s not you, it’s just faulty wiring. Sending hugs
@Butterflymoonwoman So great to hear you had such a wonderful day! Keep enjoying life and taking it with a stride like you do 
@Sunshine-girl Congrats on a whole month. Way to go! Awesome! 
@JazzyS Hope your funk changed into something easier on the mood 
@Lile01 That leg of lamb of yours does sound truly delicious 
And I like your new hair color and style 
242 sugar
106 UPF
113 gluten
12 dairy
8 overeating
Staying present is the way to go today. I already did my morning run. My daughter was here for the night and still here this morning. She and her dad are about to take off for a week long trip with friends. So there is sill some stuff going on in terms of last minute prep.
Me, I’ll do my weekly review today, pack and prep for tomorrow’s trip to Utrecht. Depending on how the weather develops - it’s warm and humid after last night’s storm and yesterday’s heat - I’ll either drop by by the pool or do some yoga. Recovery Dharma in the evening. That’s for plans today.
Let’s stay present today friends, in peace, kindness and freedom 
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Hey all, checking in on day 1498. I hope everybody has a good one!
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Day 160
Sunday night check in.
Had a really fun weekend. Spent some quality time with my beautiful partner including a lovely dinner date on Friday night. She very rarely drinks alcohol but enjoyed 2 cocktails and it was great to repay all the times she would drive if we went out. Really loving the sober life this time round. On Saturday I attended a past players reunion at my Soccer Club and it was great to see many faces I hadn’t seen in 30 years or more. Again, it was great to be sober for that celebration.
I think my longest sober stint previously was approximately around my current days but just feel alot different this time.
Peace, strength and love to you all
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@Lighter in that case I will try to send some of our your way this year but I’m in no hurry to see it 
. Sorry @mno…I agree…let’s enjoy the time we have with this season…hope you have a wonderful Sunday
@Jules000 ah man that’s horrible. I think our addiction knows that we are our most vulnerable when we are done and it gets scared to see us happy. Glad you had a good day with your friend. This feeling will pass… remember that you deserve love and care and cutting will not help.
@Juli1 oooh…nice to have some down time before the job starts. It’s normal to feel anxious about a new gig. Just know you crushed all the interviews and you will crush it at the new job. Oof…this guy is sooo toxic. Smart to not engage with his advances. Hope he disappears into the void soon.
@Whereswaldo oh I’m sorry friend. It sucks when a bad mood keeps lingering and the everyday situations make it worse. That is scary about the cars whizzing by. Yelling it out and letting them know how reckless it was can be helpful but you are right…these days we do need to be careful about confrontation as it can turn deadly quick. I hope you can find some quiet time for yourself today. Big hugs… remember that this will pass. . Maybe put on some happy music … sometimes that helps. Hope your headache has gone by now.
@acromouse thank you friend…I did manage to get out of the funk. Ended up enjoying my evening and am in a good mood today. Today sounds lovely…hope you can make it to the pool
Sunday morning check in…
Slept like a long which is a first in a long time. I’m ready to go on my morning walk with a hot cup of coffee.
The days are getting shorter so now I do get to see the sun rise in my walk…just also sucks having to leave in the dark and be reminded that we have shorter days.
Gonna try to stay active longer today and hopefully manage to get some important paperwork completed.
Wishing everyone a wonderful addiction free day… sending you all so much love
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@CHASE.E.U I hope the visit went well 
@Lile01 I love the cut and colour😀
@Whereswaldo I hope you get some you time this weekend, well done for getting through your urges 
sorry about those drivers and the feeling of helplessness though
@Sunshine-girl congrats on 30 days 
@Scorpn congrats on 650 days I’m glad you had a fun day 
@MrFantastik feel better soon 🩵
1440 days no alcohol.
905 days no cocaine.
420 days no vape.
0 days no binge-eating.
Yesterday I caught-up here first, it seems to work better for me than the evenings at the moment. I’d like to get back to coming here in the evenings, maybe after the final of the program I’m watching, on the 29th. I then read the introduction and first chapter of the new book I’m reading, recommended by Aga (acromouse). Then I did my morning routine. Then I read a chapter of the C-ptsd workbook. Unfortunately this was incredibly triggering and resulted in a huge binge. I didn’t buy anything sugary so I still have a week of no sugar, but binge-eating is back to zero. My challenge continues though, I hope to have 10 binge-free days by the 31st. Whilst bingeing the crisps I caught-up on 5 episodes of The Masked Singer US, only 4 more to go now. I was also awake until 5am, but still woke up at 6. 
My addict is of course trying to tell me to try again once I’ve finished watching both of these programs, but I really don’t want to feel like this again, so I will try to ignore him.
🩵
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