@JazzyS @Vanessa8 @Just_Laura you are absolutely right. I did reach out to my sponsor. Im at work till 6 and im going pray that i dint pick booze. I guess im having a harder time because im not getting black out drunk or even getting drunk im just using it again 1 2 3 4 and then stopping. Its the habit thats worrying me becuase that where it starts in 1 2 3 4 and soon in will be a whole 26. Thats why im being honest and keep resetting my time. Thank you all for just even hearing me and being here. š©·š©·š©·
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Checking in with 5 months sober today
Large fire in neighboring citiesā¦ So smokey - no sun to see. I am grateful we are not center but feel bad for those that are.
Nectarines and tomatoes are calling. Cannot let them go to waste.
Good weekendā¦ life calm. I am happy.
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Glad youāre checking in here Julia.
I hope you know that you donāt have to take that first drink. Nothing good comes from it. Not from the 1st nor the 4th nor the 26th. Please say no to that first drink.
Sending you love and strength 
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Checking in day 208 AF 
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Day 399 beautiful weather here. Spent time with family and a walk along the seaā¦ So beautiful here when the sun is out.
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Good luck you got this 
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Madness @Just_Laura and so fricking all consuming ā¦no wonder I was constantly angry 
not anymoreā¦ happy joyous and free thatās how I plan to live the rest of my days . calmness of spirit and peace of mind is what Iām aiming for 
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Nectarines and home grown tomatoes are my favourite Iām drooling
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Day 148
Iāve sure had a good week. Really positive. Making friends and a bit of professional networking as well. Iāve been very cheerful and schmoozy. Feeling positive. I just act differently, donāt know why. Iām a new person. More confident. I think this whole sobriety thing is worth it. I always thought I was full of flaws and holes and felt Ike I had to fake being whole and balanced.
I drank alcohol to come out of my shell. But alcohol actually created the shell. I didnāt know that. I started drinking in high school. I was not shy and was a clown. Then I drank because everyone was drinking, and I believed everyone that said it would make me more sociable and attract the guys. It seemed to. But something was wrong, I felt it but ignored it.
Over time, in college, while drinking heavily I became fearful. I became shy. I was afraid to get called on in Spanish class. Terrified ! But I knew Spanish! Why did I panic? I couldnāt be the center of attention. Why? Alcohol. Alcohol made me shy. Who knew? Like, WTH! Shy? Thatās not what the marketing says. And thatās not who I always was.
To this day, Iām battling social anxiety due to alcoholism. Itās not the real me. I like to chatter (really? 
) Itās so surprising and makes me happy. I can talk with strange people. Or regular people now. Theyāre just people again and the fear is gone! So grateful.
I will cook tonight to celebrate. I wish I could have you all over. 
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Day 1317,
Had a meet up with the parents of the girlfriend of my son. He is leaving on vacation with them next week. Although itās not sure it will happen. It seems my son got into a argument with his girlfriend after the diner. She doesnāt seem to have liked it that I kissed my son while I said him goodbye. Now doubting (just a bit, but still) whether itās strange that we do thatā¦ā¦
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Day 657 sober
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Day 60! 
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Julia, youāre here with us and every hour is one hour further away from that most destructive ugly substance. Youāre such a talented, kind person and we adore you here. Youāre going to love it like before and youāll be sober in a beautiful place with so many possibilities that you wouldnāt have drinking. Life opens up so much. Weāre here to walk with you my friend. Every day. Sometimes I post at 2 am and people in the Netherlands 
respond. Or 
Itās always open.
Lots of support and hugs We got you.
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I woke up with so much energy today! I went for a 2 mile walk with my brother this morning and then went for a solo hike up a mountain this afternoon. After getting to the summit, I was feeling so good, I made the decision I was going to hike it again. 2 summits and 8 miles later
My brother has been my biggest supporter in my recovery. He just celebrated 1 year and 9 months clean himself. Today Iām checking in on day 32 
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Thank you so much 
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Hi! Iām on Day 2 and I am so grateful I was strong enough to withstand Day 1. You can too! You will thank yourself tomorrow so much. Iām here if you need to vent. 
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I wont pick up! My plan is to talk with my sponser after work, and BBQ salmon and keep busy.
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Day 895
Last night i had the looonngest drug related dream ive ever had. It was like it was on repeat. I was searching for my DOC in my dream and thankfully couldnt find it. Woke up to my phone going off at 6am. It was my work asking me to work at another location that I find extremely mentally draining. So i called into work instead. I feel bad but at the same time, i need to protect my mental health too. So then i had all day to spend with my family, which was nice. I also decided to hit the gym for a full body workout which I really enjoyed. It helped me alot!
Outside of the gym, i just did some basic cleaning at home. Made supper and ate. Now getting my son ready for bed. Glad to be here ans glad to be clean and sober 
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2y 4m 95d no self harm
Iāve been struggling for months now to not relapse and Iām exhausted and I just donāt want to fight this addiction anymore. i will continue to because I know that giving up is not an option. but I really thought id stop wanting to come back to it by now. I made a list of reasons to not do it and that helped a bit
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I have to get up for work in just a few hours, but i havenāt gotten any sleep. My mind wonāt turn off.
When I get like this I have to be careful with myself so I donāt let dark thinking take over.
I have been feeling withdrawn and overwhelmed but I know that itāll pass. Itās just not easy sitting with these feelings.
I donāt want to relapse, and donāt think I am in danger of relapse. More concerned about sh thoughts creeping back inā¦
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