Thank you 
. Yup we donāt need to give it more energy. I canāt let that take over again. Going to meditate more. I think itās because Iām finally dealing with it in therapy. Itās being released now. Weighted blankets for the win! I need to get one for Fall 
Wishing you a peaceful nightās rest. All is well 
Iām having an internal battle between healthy me and sick me. Do I or do I not go to a store to by blades!!! The obvious choice is safety but I canāt seem to shake the urgesā¦ What should I do
Day 897
Today hasnt been too too bad. Hubby stayed home from work today as a repair man needed access to our apartment and I had to take my son to a Dr appt. My sons stomach has been hurting at night on n off for the past week so I made an appt to have him be seen. The Dr wants an xray and a urine sample to rule things out. The repair man has to come tmrw mrng also so i have to see when i can take him to the walk in for his xray and drop off his sample. Hope we can do this tmrw. After his appt we came home and relaxed. I did have some glorifying thoughts of my DOC. These thoughts were very persistent and even playing the tape to the end wasnt working very well. Thankfully i was able to have a nap. Sometimes sleep is helpful for curbing a cravingā¦ not that im able to nap very often but today it helped. I woke up, made supper, watched Big Brother and now am getting my son ready for bed. Will do a little self care afterwards and hope to get a good rest ronight. Have a great evening everyone 
How are you doing Julia? I see u wrote this 30 min ago. What have u tried so far to distract urself from the urges?
@PositiveThoughts It can be hard when ur strong all the time, doing everything for ur family and doing it all while being positive and upbeat. I hope ur able to find some rest at some point very soon 
@Jesile What a kind gesture u do for the enviornment. It truly is disgusting tho the trash that people leave behind. Ur making the world a better, cleaner place and thats amazing! Enjoy ur first day back at work!
@happyfeet Happy 1 year Anne!!! So proud of you!!!
Congrats on the 1 year Great job! A true accomplishment to be proud of xo.
Please donāt go. Iām praying 
@Butterflymoonwoman Hey Dana, just checking in as I know your thoughts have been a bit persistent at you lately. Is there anything specific triggering you that you can put your finger on? It sounds like you have so much going on, and I always appreciate your shares and honesty. I know you are working so hard for your son and family, and for yourself. You of course dont have to answer on the board, I was just wondering as a fellow walker of this journeyā¦xo.
Hey @Jules000 Im so sorry these urges are turning your brain into a battlefield. Do you know whats triggering these thoughts right now? Im not sure if it would be helpful to write them down or your thoughts out? I know when its me the big question is whats causing this hella tension in me? Whats making me want to cope this way, and then finding pther ways to copeā¦even if its just in the moment. I hope you find a way to comfort yourself, hug your damn self. That part of you, strange as it may sound, is trying to help you to cope with something. That part of me doesnt know what the hell else to do, and wants to help bring me some relief. Shes a part of me that deserves love and to be cared for, and I ask for her trust that we can find ways to get through those feelings. You got this and weāre here for you xo.
Quick check in from me. Hubby needed a decompress day, the damn mower is acting up again, so I took the kids for the day to run and have fun. Went to an outdoor tree-house park near our place and then to a movie theater to see Inside Out 2ā¦it was fantastic. My little man had never been to a theater before so he was blown away, and they loved their surprise adventure. Id like to have more fun with them tomorrow. Weāll see what the day brings. Feeling pretty sleepy now so I am off to bed. Hang in there everyone xo. Happy 25th hour xo.
Sending so much love right now. The early days can be challenging, fucking life is a rollercoaster. But youre doing it, you have 21 DAYS and that is such an accomplishment. To stack those chips in the early days is so difficult and full of a rollercoaster of emotionsā¦I also think this means youre doing it ārightā (not to say theres one right wayā¦no no no, but if you were checking in like hey this is cake and i feel nothing but great and fineā¦well in that case something is a miss). I know its shit to hear that the downs are part of it, but the feelings we run from and crush down do tend to flood over us. I hope you find ways to just get through the day, hour or moment. And good on you for checking in! Depression is a sonofabitch, and if you find it persisting I hope you are able to get some help from a trusted professional. There are many pieces to this puzzle, but you dont have to figure them out all at once. Give yourself time; patience and kindness. Everyone here I believe can relate to feelings about our past, stick with it and the haunting nature of it all becomes less and less xo.
Thank u for checking in with me 
Most often I dont know exactly what triggers me. I think it varies day to day. Like today for example, the weather for some odd reason triggered those thoughts. I was replaying scenerios in my head of when I would use, thinking of money and how i could move things around in my budget to spend it on my DOC. Silly, ridiculous thinking. Sometimes its stress that triggers me. Feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated or feeling like i need a break. Today i didnt feel stressed (well there was one moment while out and about that I did) but i didnt feel overwhelmed. Im really missing my self care, and in that i mean the gym. It was a constant for me, a way to release built up negative energy and it sort of zones everything out for a bit as im focused on my workout. I keep trying every morning to get up at 5am to workout but i havent been successful so i havent been exercising like id like to. So maybe thats playing a role too. I love routine and this summer break for my son, has left me feeling like i dont have a routine anymore. I tried to make a new one but things with my boy can be very unpredictable so its hard to find that day to day routine. Most often when i get triggered, i just deal with the thoughts and move on. But it wasnt until u asked me what is triggering me, that i actually thought about the root of those thoughts. So thank u for making me think I think i need to focus on the root cause more instead of just managing them as they pop up.
Thanks Tailee. I donāt know what is going to happen in that space.
I had this notion of pure faith and trust in being sober and in recovery sort of working everything out, but shit is complicated. There is wreckage. My ex is honing in more on the mental health side of things. Overly emotive and defensive. I can be patient and reasonable but I also have fight in me to be reunited with my kids. Thatās what they want too.
Checking in
Had a decent productive day even though the day did start with some anxiety. Sometimes there is no specific reason itās just something I deal with and now
Iām not self medicated with alcohol or drugs. But I did take action and got on my bike and went to a meeting at a club house I never been to. Luckily there is about 5 AA club houses in my area with in biking distance. I got to the meeting 2 hours early because they have a snack bar and there is always people there to talk to.
I had called before I went and asked if they were
Open and even though I wasnāt struggling with using or drinking thoughts I just felt off so I showed up super early. Met some new people and got some new numbers to call. Then I met with my sponsor to do some step work. I took my time biking home and called my parents when I got back to the house. Today had mixed emotions but I did what was needed for my recovery. But now Iām sitting here and the day is done and Iām trying to wind down and relax. Might try to do some reading or prayer to my higher power and give thanks for my sobriety and support. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Gonna stay on the path this time for so many reasons. My old life is not appealing. Iām learning how to live and be a part of society again. To feel emotions and not run or hide from them or drown them out. Anyway I just want to say Iām proud of this community and the love and support I see and feel on here on a daily basis. Itās really amazing. Gonna try to check in when I can and if anybody needs to talk good or bad Iām here. Feel free to reach out. 
love you all!
-Trevor
Day 36 - Had a decent day at work, but was met with a big surprise after work seeing that my vehicle was hit by a big construction trailer while I was away. Long story short, I am now going through all the motions with the police, insurance, auto body shops, rental car etc etc etcā¦.big breath.
All that to say, the added stress/curve ball of it all definitely made me feel like reaching for a beer, but I didnāt and I wonāt! Anyways thanks for listening everyone
Grateful for you all as always, much love!
Sorry about your vehicle. Really glad you were not in it. Hang in there and breathe!
Totally!! There is always a silver lining
Checking in day 408 AF
Iām still amazed when I see the number of days Iāve been sober.
It seems like itās taken forever to get to moving day but itās right around the corner. Iām proud to say Iām ready for it. Iāll be so glad to be on the other side of this. I bit tired and a bit sore but not bad.
Sleep well everyone
@acromouse Tbh, I didnāt have much of a strategy 
At first I was always worried about everything at once, but then I realized that not everything is immediate. I focused more on the timeline of future events and put things in order of importance. Anything halfway down the list and beyond shouldnāt have my attention right now. I also used to replay conversations alot. Wondering how I appeared to others or what I couldāve said differently. The AA saying What other people think of me is none of my business. helped with that. Understanding this was revolutionary! I realized I really donāt know what anyone is actually thinking so itās pointless to make up those imaginary negative narratives in my head. Of course, thereās still times where nothing works and I get stuck going in circles, but itās far less frequently. All in all, it was just learning the way my brain functioned without alcohol and trying to fix what I could. I didnāt intend to respond so much, but Iām glad you asked and got me thinking about it
@Whereswaldo Awe 
So precious! Congratulations on your beautiful daughter 
@Eke Congrats on 6 years!!! So inspiring 
@JazzyS Thanks Jazzy I used to put my legs straight up a wall after my shifts but havenāt been taking the time to(or much else in terms of self care 
) since Iāve been so busy lately. I do always use a pillow under or between my knees when I sleep tho, but itās become rather flat. Probably time for a new one.
@DanaM56 Ugh, the dating pool does seem to suck nowadays 
Nothing wrong with being single for a while. One day the right man will come along when youāre not even looking(at least thatās what I tell myself 
). Also, one time this (drunk)lady asked me if my necklace was anal beads! 
Likeā¦seriously?! You really just asked me that?! Still one of my favorite necklaces tho 
@MrMoustache Congrats on 3 weeks! 
and you are right. Keep moving forward and your mind will heal
@happyfeet Big congrats on your year, Anne! 
Keep putting in the work and those changes will come
530
It was weird not to check in last night. There was a massive internet outage for hours in my area, and since my cell service sucks where I live, I couldnāt do anything on my phone 
Yesterday was great! Work was fine, but after, we went to a street fair for kids. They had an open mic stage where kids could take over and do whatever they wanted. My daughter did karaokeā¦by herself! She blew me away 
She knew about it in advance and said sheād been practicing every day! She sang as many songs as there was time for! I was so proud and shocked andā¦I donāt even know! It was amazing 
Today we finally got to the pool. It was so relaxing. We stayed in for 3 hours! Definitely got some sun 
Then had dinner with my family and got to catch up with my brother. Another great day! Now Iām just winding down for sleep so I can enjoy my last day off tomorrow before the big weekend. Hope you all have a great one
Day 39
Work was a success we had some down time so I had a chance to get a few things buttoned up on my Harley, Iām looking into getting rid of my soft tail and buying a bagger. I have just a couple silly things left to fix before itās ready to list. Our mini split a/c unit is supposed to be here Wednesday 
so letās hope it doesnāt show up damaged. Our little guy is going through a sleep regression soooo I got right around 3 hours of sleep give or take 15 minutes last night so I feel like a zombie . Iām hoping I get enough time to go for a swim before it gets cold but I donāt know if thatās in my time schedule.
I hope everyone has a great Tuesday and Iāll be back tomorrow