Thank u Jesile! The scheduler said that she tried contacting numerous nurses but they all have long weekend plans. So that means ill be doing them. Even tho it sucks alot… i know im capable of doing them. Ive done 6 nights in a row before. Of course its not ideal but i know that i can do them.
By the way… i love ur mew profile pic! Meant to tell u that the other day 
Those are gonna be long days and nights for you… I’m sorry to read this. Sending you positive vibes across the Atlantic!
I saw the “fuck addiction” image and liked it. Specially cause it has the bright colors! 
@Seb congratulations on the huge amount of weight lost! You must feel alot better physically
@JazzyS so glad u were able to find the root of ur car troubles. Hope it doesnt cost too much tho!
@Jules000 so grateful that u stayed safe the other day. Proud of u!
@MrMoustache some days are just like that. I get those days too where it seems like everything just irritates me or dkesnt go my way lol i hope ur day improves friend
@CATMANCAM really happy for u Cam with being able to watch ur shows eithout binge eating. Thats a hige accomplishment. Its nice to hear that uv gained a sense of peace from that.
@Lance congratulations on 7 days!!!
@19801 congratulations on 2 weeks C free!!! Great work!
Thank you! Luckily my day has been better, I’ve been reading a lot and listening to music. Tomorrow I have to travel with commute train and it scares me because of my social anxiety and panic attacks. Before I smoked weed or drank some beers before those kind of trips but now I’m diving into the deep end sober and it’s scary as hell, haha! But I will survive, I know it. One day at a time.
@Mno yes, you are absolutely correct. But m almost on the other side of the move and for that I am grateful. 
You’ll be fine…. .I went to a freaking yoga class today …wtf … the only exercise I’ve ever done was maybe walking to the other end of town for drugs and only then if I had to:smirk:I was a sweating ,anxiety ridden mess when I went in came out feeling great I’m definitely going back next week this recovering addict is gonna love learning 
. It’s just another challenge mate and you’ll feel well chuffed you’ve done it sober 
Thank you
Day 152
5 months soon!
I see little glimpses of things to come. Some days I feel steady for a couple hours, then bumpy, then unsure then steady again. Other days it’s just steady. When I was drinking it was just bumpy.
I’m glad I’m doing things differently this time. I always looked for short cuts in the past. I took a lot of wrong turns in past stretches of sobriety.
It didn’t stick because I didn’t do all of the work. Because it’s painful. Of course I run from pain! I’ll do it sober too. It’s human. I can feel it all but it hasn’t killed me yet. And I have these hours now where I feel free, and I’ve never felt that before. So I’m going to stick with this though it is like a hornet’s nest at times. Doing more meditation and I think I will triple that. Exercise. Meeting more neighbors. And taking care of my house projects. I need a special thing for tomorrow. Even like a pillow or something.
Why am I so tired? I’m tucked in bed at 6. But I’ll mess around and watch my crime shows for hours. 
. This is a messed up weird life but it is 10,000,000 ^453 Times better than IT WAS.
lots of love and sleep well
Grazie Mille my dear friends. 
Hey all, just a quick check in.
Let down by a fam member today, but I dont know its not really effectibg me. Its them and very predictable behaviour, and Im just…okay with it. I am just focusing on my little family, my mom and nephew and pouring in to people who pour in to me. I love someone and came from someone who doesbt know how to do that or what that means, and I am on my own journey to find my peace with that. I felt the emofion kind of trigger; but then just a kind of calm came over me. Im okay, Im not devastated or hurt…I just dont feel like it is worth allowing myaelf to be hurt over.
On an up note, I got ahold of one of those exterior window windex things you attach to the hose…fuckin MERCY it was fantastic!! It was so satisfying i did the whole house and the car windows lol.
Aside from that Im tired, Im beat but Im happy. Took the kids to a hairdresser for the first time in their whole lives the other day. My sons first hair cut ever and hes 3 and a half. It was hard to let go of his long hair, but he started asking. Daughter asked for half of her head shaved, and shes been asking for almost a year so we went for it. Ive been cutting my hair since I was 18, and hers her whole life so it was pretty fun for her. She looks like such a rock star. I even sat in the chair and didnt interject when she instructed the hair dresser. I only checked in to make sure she liked it and to make sure she spoke her mind, but otherwise I did everything i could to not hover lol.
My twi beauties with their new mops. Some fun xo.
I need to know what this windex exterior thing is now lol
Is it the one you hook to your hose or something different?
Also, happy you found a sense of peace in a negative today 
They’re so much going on in my head… Life is good yet I continue to have crippling anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Me being in my body, in my skin, is so uncomfortable. U know life is going good rn but my body and mind tells me I’m doomed. Why does this happen? I truly don’t know but i feel I’ve never gotten a fair shake at life. I’m always on edge even when life is going my way. I feel as though it’s inevitable that I am going to lose my battle with mental illness… Even getting away from my biggest trigger I still feel this way all the time 
Hey girl, sorry to hear that u have so much going on in ur mind right now 
Do u feel like when things are good, something bad is always bound to happen? I know that for the longest while, any time things were actually going well in my life, i had this underlying feeling that it was only a matter of time before it all came crashing down. In a way it was very much self sabotaging or as my old sponsor would tell me to stop “future fucking”. What i had to do is to stay focused on the present moment. Just for today. Youre body and mind may be sooo used to having things go downhill that its creating these thoughts of doom for u. Try to stay present friend try not to think too much about the future and ur fears around losing yhis battle with mental illness. All u have is today and ur doing amazing pulling thru some hard times
Thank you these are inspiring words.
Amen @Butterflymoonwoman
Jules you will continue to be in my prayers girl. I agree 100% with Dana. Just try to focus on the present and enjoy each day as it is. I too have issues with being in my own skin and I’m always worrying about something. It’s hard to shut my mind off sometimes. I’ve learned to let go of what I can’t control and have faith. We just need one day at a time sister 
532
Just checking in 
-28-
Day 661
Yesterday when leaving the (postponed) interview, I heard my wheel making a lot of noise. I just had a flat on Thursday and haven’t had a chance to replace the regular tire, so I’ve been using the spare, and thought oh no it’s gone flat too!
So I pulled over and inspected it. Well, it wasn’t flat, but when it was put on by the AAA person, they didn’t tighten the lug nuts, so the whole wheel/rim has been wobbling and damaging the bolts and the rim over the course of however many days that was (6?) so I hand screwed them as tight as I could (yes they were so loose I could tighten them with just my hands!! 
) and drove as cautiously as I could home.
I was supposed to work this morning at 4, and I knew I couldn’t do that with my wheel damaged and no bus to speak of at 3am, so I began trying to get my shift covered. Which took a few hours but eventually did get covered.
There are 5 managers at my store, and during the texting and calling spree looking for coverage, one of the managers (1 of 5) said she found mold in the ice machine. 
I figured this also meant she would be turning it off and emptying it so it could get cleaned.
It didn’t. (She is leaving our location soon, and doesn’t care to do anything she doesn’t “have to” do)
The person who took my opening shift (2 of 5) could have emptied it or at least turned it off… She has been working at our location for 5+years, but she didn’t.
The person who worked in the middle of the day (3 of 5), also could have done these things, but instead she made paper signs to put on the door saying “no ice” and left everything as it was.
So I came in at 330pm ( 4 of 5) and started the cleaning process. But it was so bad! I spent 3 hours cleaning it and it is still moldy. 
I got a migraine from the combination of mold and chemicals in a not well ventilated area, and when I mentioned it to the managers I got a snarky comment of “probably should have been wearing a mask 
”
All while the store manager (5 of 5) who should have been cleaning it weekly, hasn’t touched it in 2+ months is taking a vacation
I’m just really frustrated and honestly pretty fed up with it.
Wow… I wish you good luck