Nice work, keep stacking up those days
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Hey all, checking in on day 1521. I hope everybody has a good one!
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1463
Being a bit more productive than usual this summer vacation. Some small tidying is happening, and I got a couple of books to read, so the aimless scrolling is less. Found a good app for reading Japanese news, where I can check words with a click, so am reading more of that too.
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Keep going @Hopelo 
Sober life is better option in any case compared to the dark void of alcohol, drugs addiction.
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Checking in on day
461 no alcohol
392 no vapes or ciggs 101 no form of nicotine
61 no form of marijuanna
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia
Latley it feels like its just not there and i felt that way for a long time
I swear all it must have been was marijuanna induced out of touch with reality. Truth is, im not the pointest branch in the light bulb lol
When j was diagnosed at 16 i was serverly mentally ill. I thought people i nightmeres about really saw me
I thought people could hear my thoughts
I thought goverments were going to start wars over me for hearing me in there head
I felt like i was right no.matter what i thought
J cut down on how.much and how often.i smoke weed because ive been trying to quit for years. I only have 61 days but thats 61 after 30 after 5 after 303 and so on and so on. I always quit the midnight after i picked it up for years and years.
This is all on my mind bexause i had a user dream i was arresting someone and smoking weed with him to calm him down. Lol i know its a weird dream but thats not the point. When i was 16 i thought that actually would be real. Now im almost 34 and i know for a fact it isnt. No doubt i hear voices but everyone does. They are just thoughts
So.either i have schizophrenia and the meds work so well ive had 0 symptoms for the past 3 years oooooooooooor by a long shot i was missdiagnosed and in a pickle because schizophrenia is a life long mental illness
If anyone has a thought on this id love to hear it please
Thanks,
Matt
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Checking day 101 
Beautiful swim. Feel like going on to the peddle boats somewhere but my son doesn’t want to - I don’t I don’t blame him, I had him young I look quite young his 21 I’m 39 I understand.
Don’t see a point going alone. I wouldn’t mind rowing on my own but need to look into where and safety etc…
I would love that.
Have my bone tumour operation removal date for 7th of October - they will not let me go home alone. My son will be watching the pets and I have no one to collect me … My family are all busy - fair enough.
It’s quite a standard procedure and straight forward day surgery. The recovery is different for everyone after but also quite manageable.
I need it out while it’s not cancerous and they don’t give another app. So bit stuck here not sure what to do. As it’s my leg I can’t drive my self home in a rental …
Plenty of time to worry - to find a solution.
That’s swim was amazing, very packed in the pool but still love it. Hampstead heath woman’s pond is one of my goals to achieve this year. So will have to do that before my operation.
Have beautiful day all 
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Today is apartment touring day… Im nervous but also excited! I really hope I like one or more of them!
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Checking in 148 days.
Hope everyone’s having a good week
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Day 1333,
Mom called: we are a couple of days to OSS (the place were my brother lives) to celebrate his man’s birthday. Takes for the info mom; I’m not in contact btw, he abused me…what part didn’t you get??? Of course I didn’t tell it to her I just froze. Fck the fck off……Trying to contain my anger…gym worked…but 10 min out and it didn’t work anymore. My sponsor will call me tonight if he is able to, he is on holiday. Any support is welcome……this deep anger is terrifying me, afraid if I let it out people will get hurt….naive morons……end of rant 
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Glad you could vent here. I am sorry these events occurred past and present. I am in no position to advise other than BREATHE! Keep focused on what is inportant to you in your daily life! I am praying for you.
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Day 51 - feeling good but very tired! My therapist is off on parental leave for a couple weeks, so I must admit I am missing that part of my week.
Have being doing lots of reflection, but perhaps too much. Going to make sure to continue with my physical fitness, but I must say I’m looking forward to a good vent.
Lastly, my birthday is coming up and I’m very confident in my decision not to drink, but it’s probably the first birthday in 10 years that I havnt drank to celebrate so that is a big step
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Day 22 - this time around has been different. I was sober for 11 months in 2021/2022. I had really bad withdrawals and side effects the first few weeks.
I’ve chosen to be sober and committed for this to be a lifelong journey. Not sure if I’m having side effects that I don’t really even notice or not. But I’m not going into it the same as last time. Last time I was drinking 3-5 drinks a day and more on the weekends.
When I relapsed, I couldn’t physically drink like I used to. I wasn’t as interested in it. But I still had a binging problem. Having 1 drink was never an option. So on a Friday and Saturday I’d be heavily drinking.
I’m feeling really good at the moment and proud of myself. I am curious though if anyone else has had a similar experience?
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I’ve been freezing for 50+ years. I’m not 100% over it and doubt I ever will. But therapy helped. Not feeling so helpless anymore, understanding more about myself, about what happened, how that shaped me and how to actually change some of that shape.
One thing that helped for sure, next to all the other therapy I did: I did emdr on an aggression incident at work, about two years ago, when a young guy threatened to kill me and all I could do was freeze (and stay frozen for quite a while after). EMDR really helped, and I noticed a lasting effect on other difficult situations too. To me it seems logical that your freeze is very directly connected to your anger. You inability to react in a healthy manner is extremely frustrating and infuriating. I know. Been there.
Work on changing the things you can and accept the things you cannot. I know how f*cking hard that is. Hugs friend.
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Checking in with 128 days sober.
I’ll stay sober today too.
Last night with our son before he heads off to college. High school volleyball game with our daughter this evening. Younger kids playing sick to try and get out of school. 
Should be busy, fun and emotional.
Hope you all have a good one.
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131 days sober
It was a long time traveling today. The first driver we had was prearranged but we realized soon after we left that the driver was drinking so we decided to get out and hitch another ride. I wasn’t really triggered by it and didn’t have any cravings after but no way was I letting a drinking person drive us through dangerous mountain passes. It took a while but we found another ride soon after and made it home okay.
I felt a bit nauseous towards the end I think just from all the heat and crazy driving on bad roads. Was glad to get home and be greeted by my very happy dogs!
I was late getting in…was hoping it’d be earlier and I could get some work done but that didn’t happen. Hopefully tomorrow I can catch up on work.
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I am not a clinician at all but I have worked with many people with your diagnosis (including family) and one of the symptoms is thinking that you no longer have the diagnosis/need meds. Please bring these thoughts up with your therapist or doctor immediately. Please understand that if you have been diagnosed with schizophrenia that it is for real. Your meds are working. For the sake of your sobriety and your family please do not buy into the delusion that you do not have schizophrenia
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My little brother was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic at 26 after he attempted to quit drinking cold turkey and started hallucinating so bad he ended up in the psych ward. This was 2 weeks before I moved in with him after leaving my ex, and we lived together the following year. As soon as he got home, he quit taking the medication they gave him bc he didn’t like how it made him feel, and started drinking again. I witnessed just how terrifying both schizophrenia and alcoholism really can be.
Anyway, before all this, my brother used to smoke alot of weed. I remember he said the reason he quit was bc it started making him really paranoid. He also has ADD and was prescribed adderall from 8yo until he graduated, when he quit that cold turkey as well(which I’m sure didn’t help any of this). He’s 34 now, and 5 years sober from everything It took quite a while for him to even out, but I can honestly say he no longer displays any paranoid behaviors, without medication. I’m not saying sobriety has cured him, but it’s a night and day difference from where he was. I think any substance has potential to exaggerate one’s underlying mental conditions. I’m glad you’ve noticed improvement in yourself 
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Yep, had emdr. But the fact that my brother acknowledges nothing when I talked to himand my parents seem to look away hurts. A hurt I’ll probably feel the rest of my life whatever I do. It feels like 3-1, a therapist in 2012 mentioned that I was sacrificed within the family. He was right I geus. I looked in other areas, now I see some resemblance with murders that are mostly committed by people nearby. They completely neglected me emotionally and my brother abused me physically. And now they keep silent and stick together. It got triggered when my son started about my brother, I explained a bit why I don’t see my brother. Not in detail of course, but before I talked to my therapist how to bring it. Also had a in take for a follow up treatment, thought I was done with it, geus not. Over shared to my fresh girlfriend while she is on holiday with her kids, but she seems to take it good and wants to discuss it further when we’ll see each other in about two week. Afraid I scare her of, but on the other hand it is not something that can be left out…
I’m not to afraid about the freeze but what happens when my fight modus gets activated. They say you need to acknowledge what truly happened to heal, it seems I just reached that point, while I thought I already did🙏
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Day 36. Today is one of the shitty days in my recovery. I’m extremely irritated and I feel hate towards everyone and everything. I feel like a Sith, the Dark Side is strong in me, haha. But I just acknowledge these feelings and let them be. I took a long walk, but it didn’t help. I’m gonna meditate tonight as usual if that would make me feel better. Oh well, recovery ain’t easy. I hope you all have a great day/evening/night!
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Checking in on day 6
Work has been ok today, I had some catching up to do after the weekend. Tomorrow I’ve decided to do home office, every once in a while a need to be able to sit at my desk and just focus, without phones ringing, costumers around, colleague bombing me with questions, as if I where a Jennypedia! 
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Just got home from work, and I had been thinking about ice cream all day, so here I am sitting with a bowl of ice cream! 
Tomorrow and the day after we expect heavy rains and thunderstorm! Hopefully it won’t be as bad as the forecast sounds!
Have a good one everyone! 
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