Yep, had emdr. But the fact that my brother acknowledges nothing when I talked to himand my parents seem to look away hurts. A hurt I’ll probably feel the rest of my life whatever I do. It feels like 3-1, a therapist in 2012 mentioned that I was sacrificed within the family. He was right I geus. I looked in other areas, now I see some resemblance with murders that are mostly committed by people nearby. They completely neglected me emotionally and my brother abused me physically. And now they keep silent and stick together. It got triggered when my son started about my brother, I explained a bit why I don’t see my brother. Not in detail of course, but before I talked to my therapist how to bring it. Also had a in take for a follow up treatment, thought I was done with it, geus not. Over shared to my fresh girlfriend while she is on holiday with her kids, but she seems to take it good and wants to discuss it further when we’ll see each other in about two week. Afraid I scare her of, but on the other hand it is not something that can be left out…
I’m not to afraid about the freeze but what happens when my fight modus gets activated. They say you need to acknowledge what truly happened to heal, it seems I just reached that point, while I thought I already did🙏
Day 36. Today is one of the shitty days in my recovery. I’m extremely irritated and I feel hate towards everyone and everything. I feel like a Sith, the Dark Side is strong in me, haha. But I just acknowledge these feelings and let them be. I took a long walk, but it didn’t help. I’m gonna meditate tonight as usual if that would make me feel better. Oh well, recovery ain’t easy. I hope you all have a great day/evening/night!
Checking in on day 6
Work has been ok today, I had some catching up to do after the weekend. Tomorrow I’ve decided to do home office, every once in a while a need to be able to sit at my desk and just focus, without phones ringing, costumers around, colleague bombing me with questions, as if I where a Jennypedia! .
Just got home from work, and I had been thinking about ice cream all day, so here I am sitting with a bowl of ice cream!
Tomorrow and the day after we expect heavy rains and thunderstorm! Hopefully it won’t be as bad as the forecast sounds!
Have a good one everyone!
All is well. Front lawn is gone, the rocks are here and the drip irrigation is going in. Looking good already! Going to buy a little sod, but just a little. Native plants and rocks everywhere
I’m getting a little restless but want to be here for the whole thing. So I’ll exercise and find a show.
Day 168. 6 month sober date is on my mind daily. I know should be 1 day at a time but I WANT THAT 6 month chip!
Attended AA meeting this morning and was told I bring laughter to the room. Right now that can be my service. Met with sponsor and working on Step 4. I so want to get over this step. Tough rehashing old shit when I know what happen 45 to 50 years ago I have dealt with and so over it.
I’m doing laundry and have a peach blackberry pie to make. Not a tart or cake but a pie! Gym pool exercises this evening and can’t wait. Never have I consistently gone to gym. I’ve lost 12 pounds since July 1st and am feeling stronger than ever before. Take good care of you my sober people!
Maybe it is the moon. I have felt exactly the same way today. It took all my will power not to blow up at even close friends. Let’s hope for a good night sleep and a way better day tomorrow.
Day 912
I guess today was okay. Ive really been lacking motivation lately tho and I have very little energy. If it wasnt for my son getting me up, I probably could easily stay in bed all day. Which isnt healthy for me. Im relying too much on caffeine to try and get me going. My tolerance for it is soooo high tho that it barely even works lol. Ugh. I cant wait until Aug 29 when I can get back to the gym full time. I need to snap out of this unhealthy lifetsyle asap. I dont feel like myself right now.
I did manage to vacuum the carpet and do dishes. That in itself felt like a huge task. And my son had an appt which we took care of. But other than that, i didnt do much. Hope tmrw is a bit better for my energy level. Have a good night everyone!
@Jules000 really hoping ur get the apartment! Ill be praying for good results! @Scorpn omg girl this is probably the last thing u needed. I hope u get better asap
I’m realizing that after work when I’m bustling around the kitchen is a time of the day I’d normally have a drink.
I realize in the bustle that I’m stressed…. So, I look for a glass to fill with water and chug a glass. Whoa! I was really thirsty! Chug another glass. After 30 minutes I feel like I’ve got a second wind. Still want that drink but not as stressed/thirsty.
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this is probably the last thing u needed. I hope u get better asap