Worked this morning, parts of it were really frustrating/made me wanna cry, but I guess that means it’s back to the usual grind lol. Otherwise it went well and it was over quick which was nice.
My mind has been completely occupied with this guy I’ve been talking to in another country and we’ve grown closer, talked on the phone for an hour yesterday and we plan on doing that more often. I literally can’t focus on anything else because I’m such a daydreamer. If we were to actually start dating i would only be able to see him for a few days once a month at most, not to mention it would get to be really expensive visiting him that often. It’s beyond frustrating thag I finally have feelings for someone but it’s the most inconvenient circumstances. I’m glad I’m finally seeing my therapist tomorrow so I’m gonna tell them all about it and hopefully try to figure out what to do, if i should force myself to say goodbye and move on or what I hate this.
Great week so far. Things are getting better. Hard to explain. Getting a new garden sure helps. The last one was pretty well decimated by the drought. Got all the plants in, if a bit early. I’ll take some extra good care of them. I would never do this drinking. Might grow a couple plants but not anything like this! It looks so good
Thank you so much for these words you have no idea how much they mean. I am learning so much about myself and my relationship with my parents as an adult woman. Its not easy, and I just so much appreciate these solid words and validation. I have learned in my life to let go of those who do not respect boundaries or those who are unable to show up, but parents are different arent they? This is a big one for me, a question unanswered my whole life and my heart is breaking. It has taken the birth of my own children, then the lpss of my daughter and sister, the challenge of helping to raise and fight for my nephew to come to terms with who my father really is. And I look just like him, my brain calculates like him and I have inherited his mannerisms and adhd. Yet, I dont understand him, even less then the little he seems to understand me. He would allow us to be estranged if i didnt call and arrange visits, him hurting me and then getting mad at my response, for me to be met by silence. You know I can be mad at you andbstill love you I say. Im proud of you i say. All things he cannot say. I stopped chasing people who could not showbup for me a long time ago; but this is a big one. Its been wrapped up in the greif of my sisters death and loss of this whole side of my family. And he just watched it all happen, as always. But I am grown I dont need to be protected by my father, and what a child am I to ask? Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I will be there for my children with my dying breath, I will stand for them and by them so even when they go off into the world alone they know i am always in their back pocket. I would never let anyone in my life disrespect them or push them out of my life and home. I would never abandon them to poverty, as my sister who was disabled WITH a disabled son lived. I will grown old, and by the grace of some God get to watch my children as they grow, having to learn how to let go as they will no longer be “mine”. My children will not have to wonder if I love them, I will not always be there to protect them but I will always protect them when I can and when it counts. I hope to know them, and hope that as they grow they will want to know me too. I will make mistakes; I will not be perfect and fuck me i may have to apologize feom time to time but I will be there. Because Id give my life for my children; and I just hope that they always know how loved they are and never have to unweave the mess of generational trauma. It ends now. Xo.
And thats my checj in bc this shit has been swirling as I said. Ive been praying, and breathing and just telling myself. You cannot fix this. There are no words you can say, to be understood or to get what you need. You have to accept what is. Thank God for you all and that im sober today and thanks for lettibgbme rant and rage xo.
It cooled down considerably overnight. Very good. I did have some intense vivid dreams again, including driving way too fast on a moped, a group of old friends getting caught up in a serious fight (which I saw happen from my moped), and later my former bestie and me sharing a bed, her making us lie in opposite directions and giving me only a very small narrow part of the bed to lie on. And much more. Anyway.
One more day of experience work to go, followed by my weekend. Luna is giving me some trouble by not eating the different brands I’m buying for her again. Or very little. While being hungry. Eat kitty. Maybe it was the heat. Will see today. Let’s have as good a day as wel all can friends. Let’s make it sober and clean or nothing will come from it. Love from Sarphatipark.
@tailee17 Great to see you’re working on your 4th step! It was a bit tough. I put it off for a while, but the best advice I got was ‘just do it’! Soon you’ll be done with it, and after completing the 5th, you should feel a great release and relief. At least I wish that for you Good work and goodluck!
@Butterflymoonwoman I’m stuck in the same rut, counting down the days til school. It feels like I did nothing all summer and I’m exhausted Idk why I can’t keep a consistent schedule for myself, or why keeping the house clean seems impossible. I need a routine again!
545
I was in such a blah mood today, especially at work. Luckily there weren’t any reservations in my area and I was able to do random sidework at my leisure. I don’t mind days like that after the weekend. A table did end up walking in around 8 and it perked me up a bit by having to run around. Towards the end I realized what caused my mood. My period was 5 days early! It kinda surprised me as I haven’t suffered any of my usual symptoms besides fatigue. Alot of my coworkers are dealing with this kind of thing right now. Tends to happen working around so many women. Such a weird phenomenon. Anyway. Home now, and getting ready for bed soon. Trying to fall back into a better sleep schedule for when school starts. Hoping to find some cleaning motivation tomorrow as I’ve let some things pile up. I actually enjoyed keeping busy by cleaning at work today, but maybe that’s bc I was getting paid Goodnight
I’m feeling like poop still. I had a nasty migraine Sunday evening and vomiting. Felt a little better Monday morning. Did laundry and took the kids’ school shopping.
Didn’t sleep much last night. Woke up sweating. Anyway, it was my little man’s first day of kindergarten, and my eldest started 6th grade. We were nervous for our little guy, but he handled it well. I’m proud of the little dude. He had a blast with his classmates. He can’t wait to go back tomorrow. My eldest liked his 6th grade teacher and got paired with some old classmates. Took the day off from work. The wifey and I had some alone time. Felt weird not having the kids around.
Didn’t do much this evening. Watched some baseball. I’m still fighting this damn headache from hell. Staying hydrated. Drinking a lot of water and electrolytes. Gonna pass out. Back to the grind tomorrow.
I hope everyone’s doing well. Stay strong. Stay sober. ODAAT
Thanks again for this reply Aga…
You are a wise person.
I saved it and made a reminder on my calender…
Starting the day, combining this commitment in my meditation.
@MrsOdh you were right, the film had it’s own storyline so it was perfectly followable @acromouse I bet all the kids love that enjoy creating @Hopelo welcome to the checking-in thread congrats on 5 days @Twizzlers good luck for your upcoming operation could your pets not be left for a short while so your son could collect you? @Rob11 sorry about the phonecall and the anger it stirred up I’m glad the gym helped while you were there. I hope you were able to talk to your sponsor and are feeling calmer by now 🩵 @Scorpn argh nooo! feel better soon 🩵 @Bomdhil congrats on 3 weeks sending strength 🩵 @Jules000 good luck with the apartment application @Mno hoping Luna starts eating @GOKU2019 I hope that migraine has disappeared, I’ve been struggling with some kind of boomerang one too, so I empathise 🩵
1464 days no alcohol.
929 days no cocaine.
444 days no vape.
17 days no crisps, no binge-eating.
Yesterday I woke early, caught-up here, and did some meditations. Then I went to the cinema with my niece. We had a great time, she bought her own snacks and drink with her as she’s a very fussy eater, and I managed to not buy any snacks from the cinema, where usually I’d get a large popcorn and large sugary slushie. I did not want to be a bad influence, or reset any of my ED counters. The film was good, but I did not feel like I was watching a children’s movie!
Today I am going for my first walk with the Safe Soulmates new 1:1 volunteer. We are going to a place I suggested, where I used to go for a walk every Saturday when I lived closer. I like it there so I’m looking forward to it mostly, but I’m worried there wont be much conversation. The local group facilitator is coming along today as well, just because it’s our first one. I am hoping my back will be okay for it.
Checking in on day 437 AFAF.
It’s the first day of the new school year here in Edinburgh and I’m pleased to say I managed through the school holidays pretty successfully. I had been a bit worried before the holidays as days off had always been when I’d experienced lowest mood but I made a commitment to going to yoga every morning to start my day and that helped. My antidepressants are obviously playing their part too.
I’m about to go to yoga now, then I’ll have my breakfast of fruit salad and kefir and then I have gardening at Greyfriars kirkyard this afternoon. It’s a lovely sunny day.
Wishing everyone an addiction free day.
I have a one to one with a Recovery Coach specialist tonight to talk about what my recovery means and looks like and to explore the wants and needs and support systems around myself. I’m excited to meet the facilitator and intrigued as to what will come up. I would never have done this before, opened up and owned my truth around recovery. It’s not shameful to be an addict. The strength it takes to actually look inside yourself to decode the trauma and addiction is phenomenal. A lot of people spend their lives trapped in the parameters of their own making… I’m not talking of material worth and accomplishment, that’s just dressing on the salad. When we truly explore our limitlessness it’s quite astonishing what we can do and where we can go. Recovery is quite beautiful.
Checking in day 149.
Feeling a bit withdrawn the last couple of days. I had a job on Saturday, and afterwards I felt so bloody pumped. I think being sedentary at home has been playing on my mental health. Decided I’d hit the gym tonight to see how that makes me feel tomorrow. Fingers crossed I feel better and more positive in the morning!
Thank you friend. This is the kind of message we all need to hear on a daily basis. That’s why I find recovery communitites so wonderful. People in recovery are so brave. And congrats on finding this courage and taking the steps @Deelzebub So nice to read how you are restructuring your life in sobriety Thanks for sharing your success. @CATMANCAM Enjoy your walk today. Socializing is a good thing. And even if it is a bit too much - which it sometimes is for me - you’ll probably will have tomorrow just for yourself. @Juli1 I’m very glad that I can share my experiences with the difficulties in my life and somone benefits. I learned the value of this kind of sharing here on TS. Keep us posted how this new commitment unfolds in your life. Someone will benefit from your experience as well @Timetochange Enjoy the excitement of big city life @GOKU2019 I am so sorry to hear you are beset by such a nasty bout of migraine. I hate migraines. Sending you a big wave of headache relief @DanaM56 Have a good start into your work week. @Just_Laura Sending some calm and nurturing vibes your way for this hormonally exhausting time @Mno Your dreams sound like quite a trip Enjoy the cooler weather. @Mira_D I’m glad I could be of help. My father passed 13 years ago. I sometimes still have moments where something will come up about my relationship with him that I have to work through, let go, forgive myself, maybe forgive him. Our relationships with our parents are always in some way complicated. It’s neither their nor our fault. It’s just this whole growing up and projecting everything on only two people process. I sometimes wonder if it weren’t easier if we were raised more communally
266 sugar
130 UPF
4 gluten
4 dairy
6 overeating
Last night we finally got the rain I was hoping for and the heat lessened significantly. Now it’s just warm.
I’m going to scout out the surroundings for the game I’m planning, some yoga in the afternoon and recovery dharma in the evening. Today is the one I am planning to co-facilitate in the future. I’m very excited.
Just for today. Just for this moment. Let’s keep our hearts and minds open friends: in peace, kindness and freedom
@lefty624 Sorry you were struggling – hope you are doing better today. I would think that going to NA drinks to get over the urge is a slippery slope. I use them as a drink now from time to time like a lemonade or la croix but don’t associate it with the alcohol part (I do like the taste of some so that is why I choose them). We need to cut the association with alcohol and feeling good in our minds. Wishing you a much better day @juli1 Those are some amazing timers Jules! So right – this is the next step in your recovery and just like with everything else – you will crush it. Now that you are seeing it for what it is and actively working on healing – you will overcome this as well That fight in your head sounds insane – hope the pool helped! @catmancam Hope you and your niece enjoyed the movie – I too skipped the 3rd one (by accident) – will have to watch it eventually LOL. OOH 444 days no vape – love this! Also see how amazing you are doing with your no binge-eating Hope you have a wonderful time with your Safe Soulmates outing today
LOL – yes that’s a great benefit – your daughter is going to have a wonderful time @hopelo Welcome to the community friend – great work on day 5! Love the different feeling – hold onto it – it only gets better @noshame Hey Matt – big hugs my friend. I do love that you are finding peace in your surrounding right now and doing so well with your timers. I am not a doctor but please do discuss this with your doctor before you decide to remove the meds. Sometimes we get in the sense of feeling healed. I am not dealing with what you are but I know that the moment I start feeling “normal” my mind says I’m fine and can go back to my old ways which is not the right mentality for me. Wishing you so much love and happiness. @twizzlers I am the same way that I love water activities and could do them on my own but always drag my brother along for safety reasons. I don’t trust that I won’t end up in a brush somewhere not able to get out Oh I’m glad that its not cancerous and that you are getting it taken care of. Sending healing energy your way now to make it smoothly through the operation. @jules000 oh I hope the apartment hunt went well for you. Glad your hunt went well and you have applied for the place you like – sending luck that you hear back soon @rob11 I’m so sorry love. Anger is so hard on yourself and I’m sorry that you are dealing with this as past trauma is brought up. Glad you are going to the gym and talking to your sponsor. Doing what is necessary to help you out of this state and heal your hurt. Sending love and care your way Sometimes we need to find our own family (our blood family is not always good for our healing) @refreshedperspective Looking forward to celebrating your birthday with you soon… a sober birthday is awesome! I just did mine last year and it was the best gift I could give myself.
@mrmoustache I’m sorry that you had such a rough day – hope you were able to meditate and feel better. Rough days are not avoidable but how we deal with us will be our gift in recovery. Knowing that the sunny brighter days follow is what keeps me going—sending hugs @scorpn Oh NO! I’m sorry love – please do rest up and hope you recover well @tailee17 I love that you are bringing laughter to the rooms irl cause you do light up the site here Not long to go for that 6 month chip – hold fast (a term I’ve learned from my latest Bosch series) – you will get there and add many more. Looking forward to celebrating many milestones with you @bomdhil My goodness 3 weeks is awesome friend. I am sorry that you are feeling weak at the moment. Are you able to connect with someone IRL? Sorry my wifi was off yesterday and I am late to reading this message – sending you comfort and love. @butterflymoonwoman some days are just super lazy and need that extra down time (you are always on the go – mentally and physically). I know you will get back to your daily routines soon enough. Don’t be hard on yourself love—you are doing an amazing job. PS – I too felt like caffein was not doing its work so I gave it up for while and then changed up the source like green teas for example and now can get my coffee kick with one mug – not sure if this is something you can give a shot. @anjee WOW that’s awesome – I love that you are finding a way to get that second wind without your DOC. Keep at it friend – it gets better and easier @goku2019 I’m sorry friend – hope you get rest and start feeling better soon
Check in Wednesday morning
602 days free of alcohol and weed
1016 days free of cigarettes
Not having WIFI really is the pitts. I feel so disconnected LOL. Glad I was able to catch up with you all. I have been bit by something on my eye lid and that is not so fun – swollen and itchy eye but I can still see out of it so that is a plus.
A beautiful day - feel like I did get some sleep (it was broken but good for the parts I got).
Not much planned today - wishing you all a wonderful addiction free day - sending you all so much love
I hate this.
It looks so good
Good work and goodluck!
Idk why I can’t keep a consistent schedule for myself, or why keeping the house clean seems impossible. I need a routine again!
Goodnight 
enjoy creating 
could your pets not be left for a short while so your son could collect you?
feel better soon 🩵
Thanks for sharing your success.
Enjoy the cooler weather.
That fight in your head sounds insane – hope the pool helped!