Yea balance. In the meantime, I am absolutely clear that I am highly sensitive. Although I don’t like to be labeled as something special. Socializing is okay, but I realy need silent time! Silent corners. Silence.
Today in 30 minute meditation I met my deep inner self again. Interesting point is, that there is no fear, no doubt, no harm. Just silence, love and safety!
Mind is making suggestions to drink secretly. Trying to remember basic tools like playing the tape forward.
That’s one. Being here is another one. Think of more. You know you have them stored. And you know better than to listen to the addict’s voice. Don’t listen friend. Never again
Day 4 clean from meth. Having ups and downs. Getting irritable easy and have to learn not to take it out on others. Its my work Friday so a few days off for rest. Am playing that tape forward so i remember how bad it is. Its helping out this time. Makes me a bit anxious thinking about the bad things that can happen, (Job loss, Homelessness, Family distancing). Got work in 2 hours and will probably get something to eat at one of my favorite places.
Checking in day 21. Feel pretty rubbish today, not sure why. Haven’t been sleeping well so maybe that’s also having an impact. After last night feeling a bit unsure of myself. Decided that spending time in places where people are drinking maybe isn’t the best idea for me right now. Not because I’m tempted, cause I’m not. But because it’s too easy to contrast being sober with my old life and feeling that doing the same things I used to do drinking but sober just makes me feel like I’m being boring or missing out on something. Need to find new things to do but feeling like I don’t even know who I am sober or what I enjoy. Everything I did in the past was paired with drinking and I probably liked it cause I liked drinking. So feeling a bit lost right now.
Mid-afternoon Saturday hello.
Crazy busy day. Stuffing a quick late lunch in and going to power through a bit of housework while my daughter naps.
Our first of two Halloween parties today is at a brewery. I’ve been there before, and they have some good quality non-alcoholic options, and tasty food.
After party #2 I’ll be back home tonight to get organized for a big party we’re hosting here tomorrow.
I could crash right now and sleep for hours if that were available to me, but I gotta push through!
Quick hello Thank you everyone for the congrats on the new job I believe i am going to love it and it is great experience
Up north now with my best friend having a little girls weekend. I did not bring any smokes, though I did get a disposible vape to help me through it. I dont want to move to vaping, but I also would rather vape thrn continue to smoke so I am just using it to help get through this initial quit zone! Having some good laughs, good food and knitting/crocheting together I so cherish my beautiful friendships and I just love this woman. She is such a beautiful person and am so grateful for this weekend. Miss my family but also tryinf to just enjoy mgself too
I’m in North Yorkshire for the weekend for a little family vacation. It’s coincidence it falls on my 600 day celebration. Maybe karma isn’t always a bitch?
day 6.
I prepared my joint, walked out, clutching a lighter in one pocket and the joint in the other.
the urge was intense, i kept walking. i remembered when I felt like this when trying to stop drinking alcohol. once i came here to TS desperate, and @CaptAZ came to me rescue, told me to sit down, let it pass. at the time, i sat on a metro bench, and calmed the urge breathing.
recalling this event, I looked up at a bench on the waterside, and a corona bottle was underneath. a little wink to the past.
i started breathing harder. kept walking.
i told myself to play the tape, and I did. i saw the negative consequences.
i then prayed, asking God to give me strength.
kept walking then saw mini-mel, 5 years old about. i became sad, and i never would want this for her. I kept breathing heavy.
i reminded myself the why. I saw myself clear minded, sure of what i was doing.
then I told myself I didn’t want to harm myself anymore, those days are long gone.
I threw the joint in the garbage
walked home with my head high
(come to think of it i’m going to go back to dispose bottle in recycling)
Congratulations on 3 weeks sober! It takes time to discover who we are. Weve been drinking/drugging for years and i know at least for me, i lost myself and didnt even know who i was anymore. Getting clean and sober was the first step in finding myself. When i first got clean, i tried diff hobbies to see what peeked my interest. Do u like painting, drawing, exercise, baking, photography etc? Recovery can be exciting bcuz it gives us soo many new opportunities to explore. Give it some time. Ur on the right path
Yes Mel, sorry you had that tough time, but you made it!! … I’m glad you managed to throw away the joint.
Be proud of yourself and keep going strong. You’re an inspiration!
This does get easier with time and distance from alcohol. Just keep trying things until something grabs you. And staying out of bars for a while is an exceptional brilliant idea in your early days. I like the phrase “hang around a barbershop long enough and you’ll get a haircut”.
Keep up the great work and I’m sorry you’re having a down day. I am too. Writing this is helping. Hang in there.
I am closely following your and others’ thoughts about fear and addiction. The above made me think: may it be a broader case of not being good at processing emotions of whatever form?
I know for a fact that I am bad at processing emotions, they tend to linger and resurface. It feels like the pressure is building in my brain and it used to be cause for turning to drinking and using to relieve that pressure. Does that sound familiar at all?
Thank you everyone for the congrats on the new job 
thank you
