Thank you, Jazzy. Yeah, I’m back on track, determined as hell.
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He said he was out “all month” but didnt say anything because he “couldnt get a refil with a broken phone” bad excuse
I agree it feels like enotional and mental violence…and my fight/flight response also has me sore physically 
I know the right answer is to just be stronger and cut all ties. But its not that simple. As you and other people who’ve seen my thread have read and probably shaken your heads at my bad decisions…i am just so defeated
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@Dirk I have some Dutch in me from my mother’s side, but I just realized I have no idea what Dutch cuisine looks like 
Never really thought about it. What kind of dishes are there?
626
Tired and blah again. I can’t tell if I have a sickness, bc alot of people around me do, or if it’s allergies/weather change. Someone at work said I sounded sick, but I couldn’t hear a difference in my voice. I felt physically better than yesterday, but my eyes and throat and ears are itchy(which is really weird). On the plus side, we get an extra hour of sleep tonight! I should probably switch my clocks now. Or tomorrow 
Wait! Does this mean my body’s going to think I’m waking up an hour earlier again?! Bc I still haven’t gotten used to waking up an hour earlier than last school year, and it’s been 2 months already! Or is it the other way? Why am I struggling so much to figure this out?! 
The older I get, the less I like the construct of time. Well, I hope everyone has a great and sober Sunday 
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I understand that it’s not that simple. I understand why.
I also know that you almost got killed once and the possibility of major violence happening again is out there.
I would make sure he takes the pill. I would watch him take it.
One more chore for you to do, but if it is the difference between him being sane or ‘mentally unstable’ it’s worth it.
I’m not shaking my head at you or saying that you make poor decisions.
I understand why you do what you do.
Big hugs and lots of love. I’m on your side. I always will be.
Be safe out there.
All of a sudden, I’m not hearing you talk about hurting yourself, so I hope that that kind of took a backseat with this new incident in the forefront.
You are a wonderful person and I know that you are a wonderful mother. Preserve yourself. Protect yourself.
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Dear @Scorpn ,
I am so sorry, I hope you’re able to recover a bit today.
I know from own experience that leaving domestic violence is very difficult. This toxic pull is incredibly strong. I only managed it back then with the help of re-empowerment, an online forum in Germany. I found this in English, maybe it will help you:
domesticshelters.org
silentrights.co.za
You are not alone.
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Day 1113 AF
Still feeling ill. Had to work the Saturday shift. Fortunately, it was slow. I am sleeping with a mouthguard again due to my ear pain.
Didn’t do much today. Staying busy with the kids. Caught up on some shows. Ate chicken soup.
I had a vivid drinking dream last night. In the dream, the wife and I were back in our 20s living at my mom’s apartment. We didn’t have the kids. We went out to the store and I bought a tall can
It wasn’t a normal tall can. It had a crazy amount of alcohol in it. I was debating on drinking it. Anyway, in the dream, I woke up the following morning, and my wife was gone. I couldn’t find her anywhere. I tried calling and texting her, but she wouldn’t answer. Eventually, she ended up calling me, saying she was done with me. She was tired of me getting drunk and calling her names. I was shocked because I couldn’t remember drinking or anything. It was like I blacked out. She also said she was pregnant. She disconnected the call. I tried calling her back but got a message stating the number was unavailable. I tried looking for her at her mom’s house, but different people were living there. Woke up shook for a bit. But my wife was right next to me, snorin. Phew.
Well, that’s all for today. Goodnight, fam.
ODAAT . Take care.
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Day 7 AF. Checking in.
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Great job Joyce
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278 days AF
Checking in.
Making friends with my body.
Love you guys
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337 days
Finished nightshift, wasn’t too bad, was a bit crazy out there in the city. I work in the midst of our cities bar and nightclub scene. We’re often out and about witnessing and sometimes dealing with the the chaos that drinking and drugs cause. I feel lucky to have made it out the other side.
Today was a chilled day with the kids. Watched some UFC had a nap, watched some more. Made the kids dinner, now we’re just playing some Super Mario before their mum gets home from work and they go to bed
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Congratulations @Joyce19 
7 days is amazing.
I’ve just noticed that you’re on this forum for quite a while and so am I. It took me quite some time and a lot of broken promises to myself before the sober thing finally stuck with me.
It happened when I finally realised that I really don’t need alcohol in my life! It doesn’t do anything good! And I don’t miss out on anything without drinking!
Like many on here said : I don’t tell myself I CAN’T drink I just tell everyone including myself I DON’T WANT TO DRINK! and I mean it! That makes the trick for me.
462 days AF today here and counting.
Have a wonderful sober and clean Sunday 
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That sounds so scary @Scorpn. I hope you are safe now. I don’t know your story but from the posts I’ve red, you are wonderful caring person and you deserve peace. I wish you the best 
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@Zse I am SO happy for you and SO proud of you! This was a major test for you and you passed it in a grande way with a huge commitment to and validation of the strength of your sobriety!
It’s the best birthday gift you could’ve gotten and you gave it to yourself!
Congratulations!
You will never regret your decision to not drink. There’s nothing there ( in drinking) and you have figured that out!
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First of all congrats on four weeks. 
Thanks for asking, I wish I could say I’m feeling great. I feel I’m stuck. I feel like I am a plant seed or a caterpillar in a cocoon waiting winter to be over, something to wake me up. It’s not just sobriety, there are other things in life making me feel this way. Drinking made me feel alive, hangovers made me feel alive. Drinking was a poor escape attempt, search for spring.
I don’t miss drinking but I miss being alive. I gotta make a plan how to get there, try new things.
Sorry for rambling.
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Hi @happyfeet nice to hear from you! I’m so happy for you! I thought about changing my name here, but on the other side, that’s me and my way. And I love this community 
I do my very best.
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What you wrote gives me chills. I don’t know your situation but what I know is that you deserve better. You deserve to be safe.
Sending you love and strenght. Stay safe. 
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1975
Beautiful sunny Sunday morning. I think I’ll do a little walk in town soon. Rode long yesterday, getting cheese on one side of town and veggies on the other. Slept well, had some dreams about a new job which turned out to be my job from over 20 years ago, which is funny because I applied for another job in the same building where I worked at that time. Then as a clerk, now as a nurse. Not going back to clerking.
Looks like winter out there on my little square. That’s nice. I’m going to have as good a day as I can and expect the same from all of you. Sober and clean. Love.
@Scorpn It’s complicated but it’s also not. Please be safe. Love you friend.
@SadMemeQueen Glad you’re in there. Hope it will bring you something good. Hugs.
@Raspberry You got to find the real you and the real alive. What it means for you to be human. Find new things, the new you. Me too. It’s why I call it a journey of discovery instead of recovery. Please don’t be sorry for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Keep going!
@Joyce19 Congrats on reaching 7 days!
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Check in 
Have a nice Sunday everyone
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