Checking in daily to maintain focus #72

[wahtisnormal]

Day 242 no alcohol
Day 31 no vaping

Tw death

In bed trying to sleep but stress is through the roof so im here to vent quick

Was told my dad wont be coming home tonight because he has to drive 5 hours to drop someone off somewhere (work related, its currently 12am and this has never happened before)

Previous trauma of my fiance suddenly dying sometimes causes me to feel significant fear that someone close to me is dying or is dead. So the news about my dad instantly triggered questions, extreme anxiety and dissociation, and thoughts of worst case scenarios

Spoke to him on the phone finally so i know hes okay but the anxiety/dissociation is still there. Noises are sending me into a state of near panic, im very tense, feel frozen, want to shake my head or rock back and forth and just zone out, also urges of self harm (a habit of years and years but ive kicked it) urges to drink to force more dissociation because thats really all i want right now is to just escape

Have to be up in 7.5 hours, wish i didnt have to work tomorrow but i know i have no choice

Ill be ok just here to vent. Thanks for listening, hope you all are doing well 🫶🏻

Adding:
Before i talked to him i told myself “everythings okay” knowing i was spiraling but immediately thought after that “thats what i told myself when I was worried about (fiance) and it turns out he was dead”

I think part of the reason the anxiety/dissocation is so strong is because it wasnt just fear of my dad being dead right now, but also fear of the inevitable future when my loved ones WILL die/be dead and experiencing those emotions prematurely

Basically just intrusive thoughts of death

Edit: 2 hours later

Gonna try my best to put this into words. After 2 hours of being in a near-panic state, i finally calmed down and fell asleep, only to be woken up not even 10 minutes later by my mom screaming my name over and over again for help. I shot up in a terrified frenzie shouting back “what?? What???” Hoping she would give me fucking something but she just kept screaming (she has night terrors where she’ll wake up screaming but even when shes wide awake she thinks her nightmare is reality), I nearly injured myself getting out of bed (I have a loft bed and missed a step on the ladder on the way down because I was in full panic mode trying to get to her as fast as possible)
Just for her to be panicking saying there was a cat scratching her bed and that it ran under one of the blankets, i was also confused and terrified because of how i was woken up and was still waking up so it took me some time to even process what the fuck she was talking abiut and come to the realization that its all a bunch of bullshit thats not real, explained to her that its not possible
All of that sent me into full blown fight or flight, i went to the bathroom looked in tbe mirror and i was as pale as a ghost, hands shaking, felt like electricity was flowing through my body for a solid ten fucking minutes, felt like i was gonna throw up, trying to make sure i dont start hyperventilating (but probably did, i cant even recall)
Curled up into a ball on my couch, back into a crying wide-eyes dissociative state for a while, weak muscles from the aftermath, just now finally felt like i could function enough to type this out.

More urges to self harm/drink but i knkwnits not worth it, just holy fucking shit i wanna rip my skin off, i dont deserve that, i didnt deserve all of that stress after everything ive already experienced tonight. I wish i could call in sick to work. Have to be up in 5.5 hours now. I dont even know what to do at this point, theres nothing I want to do. I dont want to sleep, i dont want to do anything because nothing is going to make this better right now

[Dustysprungfield]

Good morning. Soo busy lately & a lot going on at work. It’s mostly positive though so I’ll take it. Can I get an affirmation from those reading this that we’re not going to slip this weekend? Let’s meet back here over the weekend and check in

[Mno]

2015

Slept like a log after a very long and hectic day which ended with a meal with colleagues. Which was nice. I didn’t check my phone during the night and only woke up once. Happy with that but of course I was totally exhausted last night. Today is my one day off, as well as my therapy day. That’s cool. Therapy has been and still is a huge part of me journey.

Still grey and damp outside. We’ll have to make today as good a day as we possibly can ourselves. Sober and clean or nothing else will come of it. I will. Pic is from one my first longer hikes, north of Amsterdam, a habit I picked up when I quit smoking in 2015. Never again. Just like all the other poison I used to put into my system @Dustysprungfield. That’s over and very good riddance. Love.

@SoberWalker Happy for you your foot has been liberated. One day at a time as with all and you’ll be up and hiking in no time friend.

[Dilettante]

Checking in on day 506. I hope everyone has a good and sober Friday

[MrMoustache]

Checking in. I’m having a rough day. I have massive weed cravings, so I’m just gonna stay in bed the whole day. I know I’ll get better, gotta just grind it through.

[acromouse]

387 sugar
251 UPF
125 gluten/dairy

Difficult day today. Trying to rest and distract myself.

Peace and love for life always

[Noshame]

Checking in on day
583 no alcohol
91 no form of pot
223 nic free

Feel a little bit like poor me poor me poor me another drink. I kinda feel like I deserve to feel good like I deserve to smoke weed to feel good. Like a chain is connected with weed. For some reason I feel like I deserve to feel better with a drink or drug.

I know I’m not going to touch anything
I even feel ok emotionally
I just want more

Yet

I know it’s wrong so I won’t but I want to feel more

Wtf is this feeling? Is it petty? Is it poor me?

Now that I think about it it’s kinda freaky because I feel good emotionally yet I want more

Ahh I know now
It’s addiction
The desiese of addiction

Addictions physical and emotional damage

I can understand that now.

Today I won’t pick up

Thank you for letting me rant

[Rockstar24777]

Today marks 4.5 years clean and sober for me and that’s such a trip!!! I hope everyone has an amazing and spooooky Friday the 13th, love you guys!

[Nordique]

Hey all, checking in on day 1643. I hope everybody has a good one!

[4649Tobeme-now]

I was 45 days sober and I don’t remember going to bed last night and feel like crap this morning. I thought I could stop after a couple and I didn’t.
Just needing some encouraging words today.

[Rockstar24777]

45 days is a great start and you can do it again!!! Today is a new day my friend. Take what you learned about not being able to control your ability to have just a couple and put it into your toolbox. This will be a powerful lesson for you to refer back to when tempted again. You got this!!!

[Laner]

I’ve asked some of the older people if they’ve seen a difference in weather over the years and most say that we get less snow these days. But in general I’ve not personality noticed any change. I’m at a pretty high altitude that probably makes a difference we do have a pretty big problem with erosion…

[SelfLove_42]

Another Sober Day,

Last setback was sometime in October, current with the wife and i’m committed to keeping it that way. Funny thing with me, quick venting session, i dont know if other folks are like this, but i have a tendency to replay either validation from folks in my personal life, or criticism. It runs in my head like a movie that doesn’t want to shut off. I try to use therapy techniques, recognize what’s really happening with me, thoughts are like clouds, just let them pass or keep it moving you know. But it’s hard sometimes, my petty brain likes to hold on to things and i’m constantly fighting those bad thoughts. All good though, just my struggle.

[Laner]

I just squat and run! But funny story one time I went out in the winter. First I lost a shoe in the toilet (was a slip on shoe and it just flew off) and accidentally got locked outside in just my winter pjs. I had to run to my neighbors house in the middle of the night looking like a crazy person. Now I’m paranoid so practiced the best ways to break into my house if it happens agai and took the extra step of keeping an old coat outside just in case😂

[4649Tobeme-now]

Thank you- I am sitting here mentally flogging myself over this.

[Refreshedperspective]

This really resonates with me and I’m only on my 12th day. The “well I feel okay again” might as well extend and have a drink, why not right?

I’ve been going back to my journal as a reminder that I cannot, but just want to say I don’t think it’s petty and you are demonstrating great self awareness!

ODAAT!

[Laner]

253 days sober
I was super busy today running around for different work meetings and errands but feeling productive and doing well! My heating system is making a weird noise and part of the radiator feels cold so I’m a bit worried about that but that’s a problem for tomorrow. Probably is needing another cleaning…
Am winding down for the evening and looking forward to the weekend!
Hope everyone is having a good sober day!

[Lighter]

Day 287

Getting well-caffeinated and ready to arrest some neighborhood turkeys for bullying. Hopefully that’s as exciting as it gets . Feeling more rested and energetic. Going to continue the deep cleaning operation. We’re in the oh but the holidays season. I am home more. Went crazy with the Orange Glo yesterday. Something is terribly wrong with me if I want to clean all the time. But it’s good. I’m getting things together. Want to start January. Can we do that? No? Please?

[Laner]

I imagine a gang of Turkeys just spreading mass chaos in your neighborhood! A bunch of hoodlums! hope you have a good weekend and the holiday season isn’t too stressful

[Rockstar24777]

You’re welcome and stop flogging yourself lol You had a setback, that’s it my friend. Ever forward!