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dear @Jesile thank you for being worry about me. Lately I lost my mother (8 days ago) and before I missed checking for different reasons.
I am in day 15. I hope to do better this time honoring the memory of my beloved mother
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Day 870 here and about to go to bed.
Havenāt posted on this particular thread before but itās been a tough couple of days where I have been really tested to succumb to drinking:
My doc called and said some abnormal tests came back and they are now investigating suspected cancer. Made me think well might as well drink then.
I saw close friends for dinner today. When I arrived, it turned out they all had been drinking for 2 hours and were already well oiled. Poor service in the restaurant meant a 4 hour meal with everyone else getting really hammered. I just had to get out of there and quick.
I always knew a trigger for me would be receiving bad news so I had prepared for that and am pleased I managed to fight any thoughts down.
And I had to think of myself and leave the evening and come home and probably offend some people but it was the best thing.
Just now trying to focus on the positives
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Welcome to the check in thread James
A huge congrats on your 870 days of sobriety. 
I am so very sorry to hear about your news. I do hope that with further investigation that you are able to find out its not cancer or at least caught in early stages to be beat quickly. 
The dinner does sound very triggering and I can image myself being super vulnerable being around all that drinking with having received that news. Glad you were able to leave early and protect your sobriety.
I find at times when my faced with hard news and have to try to focus on the positives it is best to try and practice gratitudes 
Join us on the Daily Gratitude, The Air Of Recovery #8 
thread - hopefully this will help with turning your day around 
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Finishing up day 14. Last night was terrible, as I vented here, followed by the neighbors making noise all night. I was able to sleep mostly with the sleep headband but woke up stressed and tired and angry and resentful. I did a meditation on anger and while doing that an incredibly strong craving hit me, which manifested as me talking myself into why I deserve to drink and why it wouldnāt be such a big deal, and how easy it would be to head over to the store, etc., and I got really scared. I had already had planned to go to a meeting after so I went and felt gloomy for the first 15 mins but I shared on the situation and everything and by the end the craving had passed and I recognized the insanity. I did send another complaint to the office but they are closed until Tuesday. Engaged in a bit of retail therapy this afternoon by going to a home goods store and picking out some nice things for the apartment. I find it so soothing to buy little things for my home. I also figured out some ways I can keep my earbuds in throughout the day to minimize noise input. My wife and I talked through our potential options if the situation does not improve. I really hope we donāt have to move, but all I can do now is take it one day at a time and hope that the next step(s) become clear. I know there is a lot to be grateful for and I know that if I had drank today I wouldnāt have got to have my fun shopping trip or enjoy my reading tonight. So Iām focusing on the little things. Goodnight 
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Thank you for the advice 
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@JazzyS That is wonderful advice! Iāve overcome so much in the past 3-6 months and I should be proud that Iām still here because less than a year ago I didnāt want to be here. Now Iām living a fulfilling life and Iām enjoying it!
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@Just_Laura yes, in fact I actually have one tattoo already to cover the scars on the lower right arm. However I have scars covering both arms from the shoulder down to the wrists. As one arm is covered on the lower arm, there are no other tattoos as of now but eventually there will be
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Hello everyone! I actually had a good day despite some mood swings and self harm urges. My sister had a really hard time so I invited her over and we played games, watched her fav shows and then she helped me put together a stand up mirror which I LOVE! It has storage compartments, hooks, it spins and even has a little sliding door to reveal more places to hang stuff itās so cool! I also got to dog sit for my FAV doggy! His name is Peanut and we snuggled for a while earlier this afternoon. I also have a friend spending the night for the last time bc she got a place! So happy for her. But Im gonna miss her, we will still hang out tho Iām determined to keep up the friendship!
Overall, a good day!
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Day 18 when I wake up tomorrow.
Going to sleep sober today.
Had a very productive day.
Proud of myself.
Going to do some cooking tomorrow and then will be working in the late afternoon into the evening.
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@CanadianGirl sounds like a very productive day. Glad you were able to enjoy a break from cooking. Hopefully you will get that haircut tomorrow 
@Catmama23 way to go with your 2 weeks of sobriety 
grateful that you vented here, slept in it, went a meeting and talked with your wife ..all to help you work through this and maintain your sobriety 
. Recognizing the insanity is awesomeā¦yeah to retail therapy room. 
Way to go Julia! Grateful that you can see how far youāve come and are proud of yourself for your success. Glad you could be there today for your sister
Checking in Saturday nightā¦ going to try and get some decent sleep tonightā¦
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2y 10m 16d no self harm TW for SA
well I had to have surgery for the second time in 2 months to have kidney stones removed. so Iāll be in pain for another few weeks. i have a history of SA and the fact that I let myself be that vulnerable, asleep and exposed and then i have to be exposed again to get the stent removed. itās just brought up a lot Iām in a constant flashback. and i canāt even see my therapist because she doesnāt have the availability for me. i donāt know. Iāve honestly kinda stopped fighting the urge to self harm. the only reason i havenāt yet is because I know my friend would call the cops if he ever found out and I refuse to be sent inpatient , but itās getting harder to resist.Iāve given up on pretty much everything i donāt even make the effort to drink water (hence the kidney stones). probably the worst Iāve ever been to be honest. not sure i care though. at this point Iām just kinda rotting away and letting it happen
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Sleep well dear. See you in the morning. So happy you were able to pay through all that stress.
š©·:purple_heart:
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2052
Working Sunday ahead. Yesterday was fine. Except for the weather. Same today. Well. Going to make today as good a day as I can and expect the same from all of you. Sober and clean or nothing will come from it. Pic is from my commute in Utrecht. Nine more times before my new job starts. Love.
@SadMemeQueen Youāre here Max. Youāre not engaging in SH. You care. We care. Youāve just been through an intense experience and youāre still here. Hang in there friend. Hugs.
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Oh, Iām very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is very hardā¦
im glad your back, stay connected through this tough times, weāre here for you.
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It does to me. Pushing just one cart thru a snowy parking lot is difficult, let alone all the carts! People leave them in the dumbest spots and let them crash wherever, so half donāt roll straight 
I appreciate what you do every time I find a parking spot without 3 carts blocking it 
@JazzyS My ears have been uncomfortably full today with a bit of pain now. Could be the weather 
I hope yours feel better in the morning 
703
It felt like I slept like crap so I wasnāt very motivated. My ex asked if there was any specific food he could buy with his foodstamps before he came over. Eggs!!! My favorite, that Iāve had to limit bc of their price. He bought me 3 dozen! 
So that was nice.
He was motivated to get stuff done and started without me, so I got my ass up. To get to the closet bar, alot had to be moved. Itās worse than I thought. We couldnāt smell the old cat pee until we moved stuff, then thatās all we could smell 
The bar is definitely secure now, but nothing got hung up. The amount of work felt overwhelming, so instead, I sprayed the crap out of the smell and we fixed everything that needed a drill. Luckily, I lined the closet carpeting with an industrial grade vinyl runner the first time my idiot cat pissed there, so it wonāt be too bad, itās just the sniff tests to see whatās been affected 
I found 4 jugs of carpet shampooer solution under my sink the other day, so thatāll be helpful
When I went out, he washed the dishes, tried fixing my old vacuum(itās dead), and did some other helpful things. I sure miss having someone to help around the house and grateful he is for now 
My daughter lost, I think, her last baby tooth after dinner and I had no cash(besides some Iāve collected)! I just stuck a 91 year old $20 bill under her pillow! Think sheāll notice?! Iāll have to swap it out when I can 
Have a great sober Sunday!
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832 drug free
570 self harm free
83 smoke free
Im alive and sober. I am putting on the bravest face i can for my kids. And i am not in danger of relapse drugs/nicotine.
These mental battles are getting hard to navigate. I keep coming here to say a check in but halfway though erase and exit.
I donāt feel right.
This place and my sobriety are some of the best things (right up there with my kids) and my thinking is telling me to stop complaining. Find things to be grateful for. Life is good and better than others.
It just feels like a lot. So i withdrawal and go hide inside. Part of me says check in every day. And part says if you have nothing positive then keep it inside. But hiding is easier. So i have been isolating.
Iām just so tired
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Please check in. We donāt care if itās negative or shit talk or rainbows. Just as long as you are here to check in and unload.
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My daughter a huge self harm issue. Actually both My eldest is tryin to keep up with the challenges with me starting next month. she had been super stressed and just moved an hour away (sheās l my other half) so I think if we do it together it will be self harm for good. Just a thought. I was a pencil and rubber bands habit (snap the band when you have an urge and it snaps you out of it. Weāre here. Dm me if you ever need a couple eyes to help
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Same. I know we are doing it for ourselves but as weāre all told we canāt take care of others if you l donāt take care of yourself.
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