Well please feel free to private message me if you just wanna talk it through.
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Thank youā¤ļø
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@JazzyS thank you for the encouragement. Iām likely going to avoid my sisterās if possible for at least 2 weeks- get over that hump? I like the thought of meetings. but become so shy.
What did you do in the beginning, first 30-60 days? lots of meeting? scheduling a lot of activity. rested a lot?
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Checking in. ONE FULL WEEK DOWN. Iām good with it. Today was the first day cravings really hit, but fuck that, not doing it. I can not drink, I said this to him today, I canāt ever drink again.
Going to utilize the acronym from ALANON tonightā¦ WAITā¦ BF is drinking and heās hit one of those placesā¦ I donāt like it when he is drunk drunkā¦ It gets to be way too much. So I shall feed him and put him to bed, always works. Heās not an asshole justā¦ A bit much. Think this is the hardest part of being sober, being around drunk people. Also a good reminder of why I am not longer partaking.
Mediation went no where, we are headed to a trial. Got advice to stick to my guns and do not cave on the supervised visitation, in a facility, because he should not be left alone with our daughter. Get everything in order and prove to the judge exactly who he is and what heās done.
Calling a lawyer tomorrowā¦ Feel like I need that back up. Canāt afford it, but my daughter is worth every damn penny. Stressed is putting it mildly, but the mediator saw right through him, and is scared for our child.
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@sadmemequeen I am so sorry friend. I am sorry that you are feeling so low and are finding everything so pointless. Your counter is impressive and it shows love for yourself. Please do not harm yourself. Please do not give into urges. You know you have your ED program and donāt want to be out of that so that is a great reason to stay focused on your recovery. Can you talk to your therapist? Tell yourself you will not harm yourself for today. Just for today 
You can reup on this thought in the morning but for now lets just focus on the now. You have not disappointed anyone. You are showing strength in getting help and showing up for yourself each and every day. You have people who care! One second at a time 
@breathnow Oh that is wise ā to avoid any temptation. I 100% encourage that while you detox and get your system clean. I know the meetings can seem daunting, especially if you are shy. You can start with online meetings where you can mute and / or black out the video till you feel comfortable with pitching in. For me, I kept myself busy with tasks like playing games, knitting, cooking, puzzles, workouts etc. I tried to do multiple things at a time to make sure my mind was busy and could not focus on the urges. Yes ā I slept a LOT. First few weeks were spent in bed. I also avoided grocery stores that sold alcohol (only went to farmers markets for the first month) then I went in without my ID and went to new stores so I wouldnāt know anyone and would require an ID. Luckily, I found this community a little over a month into my sobriety. I spent all my time here reading and responding. I found that I became more devoted to my sobriety the longer I stayed connected. Keep up the great work ā you just need to take it one moment at a time
@stacyann Congrats on your 1 week. Sorry the cravings were high today ā makes sense with all that you are dealing with. Glad you were able to work through them ā Not drinking and staying alert, being present is a wonderful gift for yourself and your daughter. Glad to hear that the mediator is on your side.
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I hate my therapist at the program she seems to think that Iām cured and wants to discharge me soon even though Iāve been getting worse. My therapist at home is refusing to take me back until I do a online therapy program which I have already done in the past and hated so I guess Iāll have to find a new one
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That all sounds very frustrating. Sorry friend. I do hope you are able to find a good therapist to work with soon.
Is the therapist at the program only treating you for the ED? I wonder why she would think you are cured. Hoping that they donāt discharge you based on her assessment.
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Iāve tried to speak to her about things outside of the ED but she cuts it off and says sheās here to help with the ED not anything else. But she said and i quote āthe eating disorder work has been doneā. As my meal completion rates have continued to drop and Iāve been disclosing new and dangerous behaviors to her. but I guess Iām cured
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That is disturbingā¦ sorry that you are not being heard. Do keep pushing for your voice to be heard and possibly also see if you can talk to someone else or someone above her?
Sending love and hugs your way. You are not alone 
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I requested a new therapist and was told itās not an option
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Thatās frustrating. Sorry friend. Hopefully you are able to find s proper therapist outside of the program 
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It pains me to see you struggling so much Audrey. Thank you for sharing. It does remind me how I never want to go through those first weeks ever again. It was horrible.
Hereās a thread Dan started. Maybe you can find something here that could help.
Keep working it.
Keep reaching out.
Keep doing the next right thing.
Youāre a fighter.
You can do this.
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Great job Stacy on the one week sober in what sounds like some rotten circumstances.
Share this at your next Al-Anon meeting.
Quite a bit of enabling there.
With all that you have going on I 
understand. Sometimes I would do stuff like that, which is enabling, just to make it easier.
Youāre doing great. I love the way you never give up.
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Havenāt been to a real. Al-Anon meeting yet. I do enable, in a way, but his journey is his own. He needs to quit for many reasons but thatās something he has to do on his own. Definitely rough on me, when he gets to the point he did tonight, especially when the grumpy, and negativity sets in, the nobody cares phase.
And thank you, Iāve hit that point where sobriety is more important than almost anything else now. Will I crave that taste, absolutely, but I am not craving the drunk, the hangover, the incoherent, the buzz. I think thatās been part of my issue is I actually like the taste of beer, well not all, and thatās something Iām just gonna have to get over. Itās poison
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Unfortunately, if this is a program specifically for ED, she may not be wrong on only being able to help with that. I used to work in an IOP, as well as inpatient psych. Years back the hospital I worked for treated EDs, but then stopped, so even if it was one of the diagnosis someone came in with, we could not actively treat them for it because it wasnāt under he scope of practice of the hospital.
After treating them for other mental illnesses, if we were able to, we would refer them to other programs. (Which is what this doctor should do to address your other issues going on, you should ask for a referral to a program that will treat you for these, also speak with your social worker if you have one there, Iām only assuming they would provide you with one)
Unfortunately insurances also play a big part in treatment, and how long treatment can continue. Itās a vicious cycle. Things I wouldnāt know had I not worked in the places I worked.
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Honestly I donāt even care to try again. Iām done asking for help
Iām sending you hugs. I know that thatās not the cure for how youāre feeling. Itās all I can do from here. I am so fond of you. I see you working hard. I see your frustration. I see you asking for help.
Iām wondering if there is any group that you can go to like people go to AA and Al-Anon
Iām not even sure that you would physically be able to get to a group like that. It seems to me like a group situation would be good for you. Free. People who care.
You have lots to give the world. You have a lot of insight yourself.
You have gifts that others donāt
I havenāt read everything youāve written just a portion of it.
@StacyAnn are you aware of any type of group support that she could go to? Free. Helpful.
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@TatteredLace I fought cravings/thoughts by remembering what actually happens when I drink/use. Absolutely nothing good (tried and true). I did, and still do that, every single time those thoughts appear in my mind. Itās reconditioned my view towards alcohol. Alcohol = Bad. I also came here basically 24/7 in the beginning for support, advice, and so I never forget the truth. Keep coming back and donāt give up 
6 days is amazing, and tomorrow will be one week! That was impossible for me for a very long time, but I kept trying and made it. You will too
@Dilettante Amen sister 
I couldāve wrote your post myself, word for word (except for āpubā 
Not in my vocabulary) It is a good feeling tho, aināt it? 
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Realized what caused my shoulder pain. You know when youāre just chilling in the deep end of a pool and you kinda prop yourself up on the edge so you donāt have to tread? Yeah, it was that. I had a noodle, but not a very big one. Mobility exercises today helped, but still pretty sore.
On the plus side, I did get alot done 
Took a beautiful walk after breakfast and cleaned when I got back while it sprinkled. Then laundry/shopping, dinner, another little walk, and more cleaning. I even folded majority of the laundry! I know 
Nice to have a productive day off for once. Just hope I didnāt tire myself out for my early shift tomorrow. Iāll be fine. Zero hangovers for the win
Oh yeah, and my dad came home from the rehab facility bc his insurance coverage ran out, so I was worried he wasnāt ready, but heās basically back to normal 
Loads of doctor appts, but walking again! Probably wouldnātāve gone as well if he hadnāt been sober this long. So grateful for all that 
Keep fighting the good fight people! Itās worth it
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596 sugar
460 UPF
334 gluten/dairy
Nice sunny and fresh day today. Going to work on more design, pick up groceries and do my rowing workout later.
Peace and love always 
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- Identified an already known issue I have yesterday during some conflict (not mine, just involved laterally). I am scared and fear conflict greatly. Not the conflict itself, but the emotional connection to being visible and having an opinion at stake; the feeling guilty, the feeling like Iām going to get thrown off the edge of acceptance, the ridicule, the rumours, the loneliness, the isolation. The lack of grounding, the shape shifting from certainty to jelly belly smallness, the sharp dagger of being not good enough, not enough, not even worthwhile, not suitable for consideration. Iām going to work on this next. I deliberately (in proxy) sat in this feeling all of yesterday and tested it on various memories and feelings Iāve had in situations and itās so true that I have a catastrophism addiction due to a lack of stability and nurturing around conflict and differing dynamics. Itās why I run from situations that might harm me, itās why Iām only pinky toe deep with most folk and a lone wolf. Lots to dive into here to expose, self validate, nurture and begin to slowly heal. Iāll probably lift some weights as well. Onwards sports fans.
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