Big developments at work with a couple of community leaders very clearly upset by our differences of opinion.
Spouse moved out. Finalized the language of our divorce decree. Paid the bills myself. She wrote me a nasty email that I just opted not to respond to. Trying to work out a deal to buyout her share of the homestead.
Any one of those things would’ve been enough to prompt me to crawl inside of a cave and isolate in numbed out stupor. Old me would’ve let that email eat away at my serenity until I’d written the perfect take down in response. I would’ve shrunk from that confrontation with a public official.
All that in a few days time. Still not an excuse to act out. Acting out would’ve sabotaged my confidence and resolve. Smoking would’ve added to the paranoia and disorganization.
Starting to see the value I bring to the table for the first time in a long time. I can do hard things and come out the other side ok.
Just today in was taking my dog to the vet and he has to stay in the hospital. He might have pneumonia. I would have made it about poor me and what I was going through. Not him. And then I’d try to figure out where my next drink was as soon as I left the hospital. Not now. Went to lunch while they were working on him so I wouldn’t be hungry. Hadn’t eaten all day. Went back to the hospital to get test results. Went home. Got him a few things for him and went back to the hospital to visit him. And now I’m still sober and able to put my grandson to bed tonight because we made a commitment to babysit tonight. And besides, getting to put him to bed favorite piece of gratitude in the world.
Say Pauly. I think I read you got 5 years sober now That my old mate is fucking incredible!! You being one of the first I met on here. I’m so thrilled to see how far you’ve come.
Congratulations on your 5 years of freedom. You’re worth every ODAAT !
Good to read you man
Captains log day 275. Loving the nice warm weather in October. Somehow I can’t help but think that means 12 feet of snow this winter haha. Ill take the trade off .
I’ve been working a lot and trying to get a lot done for my little ones school stuff and I have a highschool senior now, and her dad just sold his house for PENNIES on the dollar because he isn’t actually able to make financial decisions but .. people take advantage, and everything else… so my thread is still locked. But I have to vent a little. So here is the next best thread.
The way I actually dislike my job SO MUCH it’s exhausting. And now that I’ve started in one location, got minimal training, transfered to a different location, got thrown in and made to be in charge of a whole department- well responsible for- without any actual control, and then they say oh were closing this location, so you’re going BACK to the first one… only to have to work split time between both places and get shit from everyone. And then get questions from one location about who all is coming to the other one with the closure and then using my answer to gossip and say I was telling them “my team” is gonna take all their hours, when they are short staffed in the first place. Ugh its actually so annoying. Are we not all adults?! Can we not behave like it???
And both store managers are just like well just don’t tell them when they ask.
Ok… but the transfers are happening in 3 weeks it’s not like anything I do or don’t say is gonna make a difference when it’s gonna be happening by the next schedule.
I asked could I work every other weekend and was told “well I don’t do that with my schedules” ok well I’m not going to sacrifice all of my weekends to be here when I have a limited amount of time with my kids as it is.
I have never quit a job less than a year in (except chipotle, but they weren’t following through with their job offer correctly and I still gave them 4 months) but man! I feel like I need to start looking for something else.
I find their behavior absurd.
Outside of that life has really been kicking my ass lately. Had to work 2 shifts while passing a kidney stone because I can’t afford to take time off. the student loan I have been paying for one of my bonus kids LOST a payment in July, and even with multiple calls, and bank statements proving I sent the money and didn’t cancel or return payment, they haven’t credited it. one of my teens was manipulated into lying about who she was talking to and ended up having a secret relationship with a 22 year old who happens to be a neighbor and yes I’ve talked with police about this because what the FUCK. We’ve had a dozen or so special education evaluations and meetings in the past few weeks just to try to get my little one approved for help. My eating disorder has been trying to creep back in and I’ve been having a really hard time regulating my mind/emotions to not slip into a dissociative state and OF COURSE my neighbors are staying up all night multiple times a week arguing and fighting in the street keeping me from getting any sleep worth a damn-if I was gonna get any in the first place- … it’s definitely almost my birthday
Very wet and windy today. It’s the remnants of Humberto which you Britts called Amy and we call neither 'cause it’s not an official storm anymore. Still I have to go out in it later. But not yet. Right now I’m having my coffee after writing my morning papers. And reading through your check-ins.
I’m feeling a bit off after dreaming about my former bestie which I haven’t seen for over a year now. One dream early in the night, one at the end. We didn’t speak a word, just were occupying the same space. They left me feeling sad, empty, asking myself should I contact her. I don’t feel it would do any good. We’ve grown apart. Well. Daylight might give me some clarity, even when it will be a dark clouded day.
Anyway, I’m going to have a busy day and will make it as good a day as I possibly can. Sober and clean of course. Hoping you all will do the same. Pic is from my town, ten years ago today. Interesting how the beer sign on the bar is upside down, never noticed that before. I was drinking back then. Never again. Love.
@Scorpn it’s always good to see you friend. Sorry for your troubles. Big hugs.
Hi @Marit I feel like you could be talking about me in this. Anger was often the only emotion I could communicate. And anger isn’t a primary emotion either, so you need to get underneath the anger to see what other primary emotions are causing it to shield you.
It’s a grind, and the addict will tell you it’s easier to turn back and retreat to the path already trodden. Nope, don’t do it. Keep pushing on with your discovery of yourself and your emotions. Self soothe and ground yourself, but feel.
Man, @Scorpn I am forever wishing that you got a fucking break from life! I’m so sorry that you are getting all this shit thrown at you. I reckon you are terminator tough to weather this and still stay sober and standing tall.
Hugs and I hope things get lighter.
Keep the fight up, you got life on the ropes still.
Day 63 ~ I’m still here. Still AF. Just REALLY going through it. Usually I’m able to conjure the adult within to handle business but she’s crazy checked ouuuut lately. Baaaad monetary things are occurring. I’m ignoring them. This is like some very weird repeat of my early 20’s. Except this isn’t Venice Beach in the 90’s. This is authoritarian regime times 2025 and everything sucks and is insanely overpriced. People are crazy here and that makes me crazy. So, I have been avoiding everything I can (save for minimally caring for my mom & dog & work). Instead, I’ve been spending hours upon hours upon hours playing my Switch and somehow spending money I don’t have. Fucking Dreamlight moonstones. My hormones are RAGING. This menopause bs lasts way too long and might put me in prison Madea style. I’m not even kidding. I have a serious soft spot for that character because I TRULY feel like Madea sometimes. Put a brick in my purse and go wack some dummy upside the dang head!
@Redro I can totally relate to you! I also find walking outside in nature (if possible) one of the most refreshing and quieting activities for me. They say that walking mindfully, being aware of what you are doing, is in itself a mediatation largely used!
Absolutely! This is an experience in itself … It must be such a challange!!! Very well …staying sober brings all another point of view in life. Thanks for doing the work, it helps the community, really!!!
I have allowed myself this morning to go through all the entries I haven’t read since yesterday’s my last visit. It’s like participating in an AA meeting or any addiction recovery meeting… it’s a good practice, there is a lot to learn and I can just listen if I don’t have anything to say.
It’s Saturday morning. I wake up early anyway, regardless of whether I have stuff to do or not, to also feed my cat and let him in, because he likes to sleep outside like a proper wild cat. In winter he sneaks inside the space I use for my studio, which is my father’s old garage. He uses the one that once belonged to my grandfather, which is much bigger.
On my end, I have officially started to look for new galleries since the one I had this year has somehow gone silent about our next commitments. Besides not wanting to chase anyone, I also want to go with the flow of events and trust the process. Actually, when yesterday I started to draft my presentation and sent it to the first three gallerists, I had a positive and exciting feeling about what surprises this will bring. In my experience, I have now learned that once you have your energy properly aligned and you welcome life without complaint but rather with trust and gratitude, life itself will always surprise you in ways you couldn’t even think possible. This is what happened last year, for instance. This year I am even stronger and more focused, therefore I can’t wait to see what awaits me on the other side of the hill.
Yeah, I wish it were that simple. Gotta think of the long run. I’ve lived here 8yrs and know you need strategy to play this game.
@Redro Mindfulness is what you’re looking for. Learning to live in each present moment. Soaking in what’s real. Gratitude is helpful too. Taking the time to focus on what you’re thankful for in your life. You’ll come up with more than you’d think once you get going Similarly, something I do when I can’t shut my mind off, is think of something positive instead. Focus on some random, good memory that outshines the worrisome, bad ones. If I catch myself drifting back, I just refocus. It all takes practice, but the more you focus on the positive, the more natural it becomes
@Scorpn You sure are going thru it I’ve been hit with some similar issues lately, like nonstop. Did this kinda crap ever happen when you were drinking? Because it didn’t for me and find that odd. Someone recently said it’s my demons trying to get me back. Kinda makes sense Anyway. If there’s one thing I know, you always make it to the other side one way or another and whether you see it or not, you come out stronger I hope things look up for you soon and you have a nice birthday
961
I think I’ll focus the good tonight to get a better perspective. Can’t ignore my own advice
My horoscope said I’d see financial luck this month and it hasn’t let me down yet. First, that check from my mom. Then an adjustment on my internet bill that refunded some money. My usual $66 catfood was unexpectedly $35 due to a sale and bday discount. I received a text saying my foodstamps came thru. $120 I didn’t even apply for! Finally got my $5 rebate check I completely forgot about. Tonight at work I beat my personal record for how much I made per hour. It was insane! Another surprise was a call from my daughter’s school telling me she was changing buses bc her walk is too dangerous Really?! I only told them that last year, seeing no results, so I ended up driving her every day! But I got what I wanted eventually, I guess. And now I’m going to bed knowing I don’t have to wake up early. Hope you all have a great 24!
In other news… It is national Cinnamon Bun Day (Kanelbollens dag) here in Norway, so I suggest we all go Norsk in spirit this morning , Saturday 4 October and treat ourselves to a tasty bakery treat with a good solid coffee Have a happy weekend
Pretty unproductive day but im ok with that. Could have done without the forgetting to get dog food and having a mad rush to get some before the butchers closed.
Last day of the school holidays tomorrow. The kids are excited to be back and Im back to work later in the week, also a little excited about it haha. I get a little fomo when im on leave especially when the crew whatsapp is going off haha
Fourth day in my Winter Arc process. 8.15am spin class was BRUTAL. I think the instructor had nails and lemons for breakfast, what a crazy sod! He wears weighted vests even to instruct!! I secretly love him, he’s my personal David Goggins . Got my steps in despite Storm Amy’s gentle tickles. To be fair it pissed it down all night so the world woke up soggy and shivering. Today, I’m making my “famous” Iberian inspired Orange, pepper, chicken and chickpea stew and watching . I’m listening to The Subtle Art of not giving a Fuck and it’s resonating so hard with me. I keep wanting to highlight the sentences in my head : that’s the absolute downside to audiobooks; their relative incompatibility with neon highlighters and stickers. ODAAT. Do the best for YOU today, because no-one else cares if you waste the opportunity.
The pictures were taken on my walk thru the park to the gym this morning.
.
it’s exhausting. And now that I’ve started in one location, got minimal training, transfered to a different location, got thrown in and made to be in charge of a whole department- well responsible for- without any actual control, and then they say oh were closing this location, so you’re going BACK to the first one… only to have to work split time between both places and get shit from everyone. And then get questions from one location about who all is coming to the other one with the closure and then using my answer to gossip and say I was telling them “my team” is gonna take all their hours, when they are short staffed in the first place. Ugh its actually so annoying. Are we not all adults?! Can we not behave like it???
well just don’t tell them when they ask.
and yes I’ve talked with police about this because what the FUCK. We’ve had a dozen or so special education evaluations and meetings in the past few weeks just to try to get my little one approved for help. My eating disorder has been trying to creep back in and I’ve been having a really hard time regulating my mind/emotions to not slip into a dissociative state and OF COURSE my neighbors are staying up all night multiple times a week arguing and fighting in the street keeping me from getting any sleep worth a damn-if I was gonna get any in the first place- … it’s definitely almost my birthday 
Usually I’m able to conjure the adult within to handle business but she’s crazy checked ouuuut lately. Baaaad monetary things are occurring. I’m ignoring them. This is like some very weird repeat of my early 20’s. Except this isn’t Venice Beach in the 90’s. This is authoritarian regime times 2025 and everything sucks and is insanely overpriced. People are crazy here and that makes me crazy. So, I have been avoiding everything I can (save for minimally caring for my mom & dog & work). Instead, I’ve been spending hours upon hours upon hours playing my Switch and somehow spending money I don’t have. Fucking Dreamlight moonstones. My hormones are RAGING. This menopause bs lasts way too long and might put me in prison Madea style. I’m not even kidding. I have a serious soft spot for that character because I TRULY feel like Madea sometimes. Put a brick in my purse and go wack some dummy upside the dang head!
Similarly, something I do when I can’t shut my mind off, is think of something positive instead. Focus on some random, good memory that outshines the worrisome, bad ones. If I catch myself drifting back, I just refocus. It all takes practice, but the more you focus on the positive, the more natural it becomes 
I’ve been hit with some similar issues lately, like nonstop. Did this kinda crap ever happen when you were drinking? Because it didn’t for me and find that odd. Someone recently said it’s my demons trying to get me back. Kinda makes sense 
Anyway. If there’s one thing I know, you always make it to the other side one way or another and whether you see it or not, you come out stronger 
I hope things look up for you soon and you have a nice birthday 
Really?! I only told them that last year, seeing no results, so I ended up driving her every day! But I got what I wanted eventually, I guess. And now I’m going to bed knowing I don’t have to wake up early. Hope you all have a great 24!
Wishing you a wonderful weekend!
, Saturday 4 October and treat ourselves to a tasty bakery treat with a good solid coffee 
Have a happy weekend 
. I’m listening to The Subtle Art of not giving a Fuck and it’s resonating so hard with me. I keep wanting to highlight the sentences in my head : that’s the absolute downside to audiobooks; their relative incompatibility with neon highlighters and stickers. ODAAT. Do the best for YOU today, because no-one else cares if you waste the opportunity.