Im so proud of you!!!
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556 days AF
Write, discard, write, discard. Funny how writing on a forum anonymously triggers me same way like social interactions irl. I want to connect and feel heard but I fear being misheard and constantly question if anyone even cares or if I say something stupid or irritating. And then thereās that ālovely" voice in my head telling thereās nothing interesting about me.
So here I am pushing myself out my comfort zone and challenging me to be more active here. Iāve used alcohol as a buffer pretty much my whole adult life. Now I have to remove filters all by myself god damn it. 
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- Just a fly by. A Sober one, of course. No desire to drink, despite a slingshot of shit being flung at me lately. No point being a wallflower in life, regardless. Only you can move your feet, only you can make the difference to yourself. No matter what, get it!
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Checking in, still sober and smoke-free. I didnāt have the drive to check in lately, but Iām doing ok, although sometimes I can get really depressed all of a sudden, I get totally unmotivated, empty and deeply sad. But I do trust the process and hope that thatās just a phase. Today I took a short walk in the forest. I just realized, how much I missed being in nature, so Iām going to take walks more often.
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A-460 C-404 THC-186 N-122
Iām enjoying spring break and utilizing my time to get some exercise, spend time outside in the beautiful weather, and work on some art! My niece and nephews are coming over for a sleep over tonight (as promised weeks ago) so that their mom and dad can have a date night!
I plan on watching the studio Ghibli film The Cat Returns with them which will be their first time seeing this particular Ghibli piece! When I was younger the film My Neighbor Totoro was one of my favorites.
Iāve always enjoyed watching movies. Watching films was a great way to distract myself at night when I was getting sober. Instead of drinking myself into a stupor, snorting a bag that made me stay up all night or smoking until my short term memory was practically nonexistent, Iād put on a movie, and actually watch it and remember it the next day! Iām thankful for access to a lot of movies, new and old.
Iām grateful for thumbtacks, for a good beanie, and for calcium packed meal worms 
@mxelle I can definitely relate to the smell of skunk causing thoughts like that! Cannabis is recreationally legal where I live which means there are dispensaries all over the place, so the scent is a commonplace smell in town, whether it comes from skunks or not 
@Raspberry Iām glad you are choosing to ignore that voice 
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Day 165.
Itās cooled off significantly in Vegas today. Itās a lovely 72 degrees and breezy. Sitting outside with my afternoon coffee and working on some logistics, preparing for the big monthly reading tomorrow. Weāre completely sold out with a 20+ waitlist. Itās going to be incredible.
Today, Iām just being. Mentally, Iām fighting for my life trying to get through the rest of this semester. My body is a soupy puddle of exhaustion. My brain is fried. Summer cannot get here fast enough.
My stamina is so low, but my outlook is positive. Ready for a simpler chapter of my life. A quieter one. Iāve been daydreaming about working as a tour guide for a museum on the East Coast. I want greenery, and lunches outside on the grass, and low stakes. Cook dinner at home and work on writing in the evenings. Iām ready for quiet. My sanity depends on it. 
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Day 143
Itās been a beautiful day today. My father in law came round a mowed the lawn for me. I was so grateful Iām starting to feel really tired, and a vaccination I had yesterday has given me a slight fever.
Husband is still in hospital theyāve resorted to on old school operation and just cut him open. None of the modern safer less invasive stuff worked. Still this seems to have been more successful.
Hope everyone has enjoyed another sober day.
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1007
My h uncle who lives in Germany came today to visit and stay with us couple of days. And guess what. Surprise surprise! He came together with my husbandās mother. I didnāt expect it, not at all. Its nice surprise but Iām not prepared fot this I think in my 1007 days spent here I might had posted about her a little. To make long story short, Iām not the biggest fan. Anyways, itās better than before, she chilled out with comments and good advices. Itās gonna be ok, its just couple of days. Or maybe they have another surpriseā¦? 
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Checking in day 259. Looks prime, but itās not, itās 37X7. Thirty-seven weeks. Taking it easy this holiday weekend. Topped up the gas tank and put the little car in the garage. Still not sure if I have a cold or not, but canāt taste anything. Thatās okay, I have bloodwork coming up and with no appetite I get a headstart on my biohacking. Curious to see how numbers will change 9 months AF. Easter is pretty loaded for me, so itās the day Iām probably least likely to go to church. Faith without works is dead. James 2:14-26. Not just dressing up once a year, but day in, day out. Like sobriety, that way.
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Day #71.
Lots of work to do today. Drinking some coffee before i get underway. Very happy with my sobriety increased motivation and willingness to tackle some hard labour, Yard work and various tasks with little hesitation. Its like every new day is a window of possibilities of things i can do with the time at hand, make, build and fix things as well as do the mundane tasks without the sigh.
I guess a better way to say it is. Each day im presented with ways to invest my time more wisely while not being impaired or recovering..
Lastnight i tackled another cool small project right up till it was too dark and had to pack tools up. Loving it. Loving life.
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Somewhere between 41 & 42 days. Woke up after 12 hours sleep - thatās what jet lag from an 11 hour time difference can do. I havenāt slept that long in 20 years at least 
Iām on holiday, sober. Life is good. Shame life cannot always be holiday but Iām sure going to enjoy this one whilst I can (both life and holiday)! The really cool thing? I get to remember every minute of this holiday unlike so many that have past.
Occasionally I get the desire for that high but itās easy to push out of my mind right now. There are a couple of things coming up later this year that I cannot cancel and I cannot imagine doing sober but Iām going to let those worries be for now. Theyāre months away and all we can do is take it ODAAT.
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Try writing once and just pushing āsendā. I want to see some spelling mistakes next time. Set yourself free, you deserve to.
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Day 4 Checking in
Anothet day of ups and downs. I spent some quality time with my son again today which was ace and finally listed some things on ebay thay had been hanging around so productive as well. I also got the job news I was waiting for which was a positive. Something to work at when I am back at work.
On the negative side I completely blew up at my partner this morning over a really small thing. My RSD kicked in really hard. In reality I have been feeling a lot of resentment about how life is recently and I dumped it all on her rather than actually dealing with my own problems. Its understandably smashed through any trust we were building and has really hurt her.
We had a talk tonight which helped despite my best subconcious efforts to sabotage it (thanks ADHD and RSDā¦). My main takeaway is that, like my addiction, I donāt know how to fix things, Iām just going to start changing things a little at a time and see what sticks.
Despite the negatives I have not thought about relapsing. On to tomorrow where I pick something to change. Looking forward to finding out what.
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Checking in, Ive been unpacking, organizing, Its been a good day. I slept in, made a good breakfast. did some morning meditation, some painting. I have a roast in the slow cooker that smells wonderful. Self care and getting things done.
Ive been feeling a little sad about my co-worker. Its almost like he died.* Poof* gone.
Its got me thinking about the last time I did meth. It was supposed to be one last time. It was supposed to be fun. My boss was out of town. It was to celebrate finishing crab season.
I had the most terrifying psychosis experience of them all. I dont even know how many days I was hallucinating. I never want to feel like that again.
Co-worker completely lost his shit. He gave everything away. He sold his car to my other co-worker but we are broke until shrimp starts. He gave him the car and took a bike then* poof* gone.
this weekend, the boss is out of town. Iām celebrating finishing a sober crab season and the beginning of my first shrimp season. Big boat. 
I dont know any meth dealers here and Iām going to keep it that way. No bars, no booze. Listening to meetings while I paint. I might go bird hunting with my camera and the its looking like the sunset might be spectacular. I have options today.
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255 days THC free, 7 days MO free and 13 days diet soda free! Iāve been considering a new career path for a while now and I am now looking into getting more info on what it would take for me to become a certified peer support counselor. I know it involves a bunch of training and a test. I think it would be a good way for me to give back in my recovery and have a job where Iām actually making a positive impact on someoneās life and who knows maybe..just maybe it could lead into having my own nonprofit organization 
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Low key, this sounds really fun and fulfilling. Now I want to manifest this for you! 
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2491
It seems I really need to be physically tired to get good sleep. Didnāt do much yesterday and only slept a couple of hours. Well. Iād like to move my body today but thereās rain coming in. Not that heavy though
. Been thinking about going back to the gym. Then again, the warmer season is ahead. Questions questions.
First Iāll go to Oude Kerk this morning, thereās this monthly early Friday morning concert series, will hear the huge organ play for the first time ever. Looking forward to that and will see what I do after. Iāll make it the best day possible whatever I do. Sober and clean. And after today Iāll work Easter. Have a good one all. Pic is from 8 years ago today, Canyon de Chelly, Navajo Nation, AZ. Much love.
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I will do that. I laughed because I feel caught red handed. I accidentally sent that message before I was ready and was like NO No no oh fuck it. 
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2707 days sober. No intention to change this today.
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Hello everyone!
DAY 218 AF
DAY 185 smoke-free
Finally, the sky is clearing up. Itās mainly just windy today, but I am definitely going out this morning. I have been inside for two daysā¦ I canāt wait to meet someone with high vibration: trees!
I had a little confrontation with my sister. She snaps back out of the blue, saying things she has no clue about, things that are mostly none of her business, trying to analyze what I say and putting labels on me as if I had asked for an opinion.
I usually donāt respond; I let it go for the sake of quiet living. But yesterday, I actually told her to stay within her limits because I wasnāt asking for a reading; I just shared a sentence and a feeling. I regret it every time that happens. That woman is the most competitive and resentful person I have ever met! With people like that, the nicer you are, the more they will use it to your detriment and their advantage. Every time I put my guard down, I remember that I need to keep it up and just stick to āweather talk.ā They are constantly scheming something in their minds.
This place, seriously! It was a very nice household when my mother, grandmother, and grandfather were alive, but now, with only my sister and my father (who are made for each other), itās just a training field for someone who wants to reach enlightenmentā¦ and for this, I am grateful! They are performing a miracle on meā¦ thank you!
On a positive note, my brother and his family are coming Sunday. They are all very nice people, no competition or resentment, just happy to hang out and share a meal together.
Today I am grateful for:
- Not giving AF and speaking up for myself.
- Not apologizing.
- Reminding people of boundaries by acting on them.
Wishing everyone a solid 24 sober hours!
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