I am so sorry to hear this @Marieke I can absolutely see why you are mad at the world right now. Look after yourself, rest and recover. Sending all my best wishes to you.
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Iām so sorry to hear this @Butterflymoonwoman . Thats unacceptable that they fell asleep on the job. Its such an important role and you need to be able to trust the people who are looking after your son. There can be no exceptions to this. You are doing the right thing in standing your ground. I hope tonight isnāt too hard on you. Enjoy your baking with your boy!
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(Early) Day 5 check in
I feel the need for an early check in today. Between the (ongoing) argument with my partner and the work on my ADHD Iāve come to a realisation about my addiction.
My ADHD makes me incredibly sensitive to rejection. Both real and percieved. This makes me really difficult to live with as my brain takes things that are not objectively slights or rejections and percieves them as such. My nervous system goes into overdrive, heart rate spikes, brain shuts down and I go into fight or flight in the blink of an eye. It is awful for the people around me as I am awful in these moments and fills me with a deep shame afterwards. In the moment it feels like I am under physical attack despite nothing of the sort happening. There is a pain to it too which is indescribable to the point where people think I am exagerating.
I recently bought a book called āWhy does everybody hate me: living and loving with Rejection Sensitivity Dysmorphiaā and I sat down to read it today. Suddenly my addiction made sense.
The book explains that when you have RSD you will actively avoid conflicts and uncomfortable situations at all costs which I have lived through. What I didnāt realise was that you will people please to an extreme level just so you donāt have to feel rejection. You will even go so far as to build your life in such a way that you never recieve criticism.
It explains my experience so clearly and my addiction is an extension of this. My life has been built not to serve me but to prevent difficult and uncomfortable conversations.
I have been running away from that feeling for so long, driven by fear of the pain of RSD (though I never had a name for it) that I used anything I could get my hands on to numb myself, so that I didnāt have to feel anything because to feel would mean that there is the possibility of feeling the unbearable pain of percieved and real rejections.
This last fight was rough. I am ashamed of what I said and did. My partner is understandably furious and hurt. I have to be accountable for myself and it starts with understanding myself and this element of my ADHD.
I had some mild urges today and I think they were because I am getting closer to the core shame that drives it all. I will not relapse today though and that is all there is.
I have therapy next Thursday with a new therapist. I am looking forward to starting that again. I feel ready to face it and myself.
I hope you all have a great sober day.
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Thank u SO much friend 
I appreciate that. It seems to be getting harder n harder to trust people with hia overnight care. We have had some great nurses in the past but then we got transitioned to Health Care Aide level of care instead of the Licensed Practical Nurse level of care. And weve had some serious problems 
Iāll do whatever it takes to make sure my son is safe, even if that means sleep deprivation for me.
The Oncall Scheduler is seeing if anyone can come in for 1 or 2 nights. I know I have to do the Sunday shift but even if we can oritentate someone for tonight and tmrw, and they do well, that will certainly help. Im just waiting to hear back 
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Wow, sounds like u have had a big revelation! Im glad u discovered a name for what u are experiencing. Thats huge and can really put things into perspective.
Im sorry to hear that ur experiencing cravings, but ur stronger than those urges friend! And Im really impressed at ur level of self awreness and ur willingness to learn new things about urself. That will take u far in ur recovery
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Ler him go, he is too cute 
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A-461 C-405 THC-187 N-123
The sleepover was a success! A little hectic at times, even overwhelming, but nothing I couldnāt handle. Wrangling a 10, 7, and 4 year old can be quite the challenge. Thankfully Iāve become very proficient at setting boundaries with them, which I hope will benefit them in terms of confidence and respecting boundaries other people set in their life.
I struggle with my dad disregarding or ignoring clear boundaries we have discussed that Iāve made very clear are important to me. A big one is letting my cats outside unsupervised. Azula is almost guaranteed to jump the fence and explore beyond the fenced area. I live in an areas with coyotes which regularly patrol our back fence, which makes being outside without supervision a life threatening danger for the cats at any given time. There have been multiple times where he has let them out and then inevitably canāt find one or both for upwards of 20 minutes. For those who have ever lost an animal companion you know how awful this feeling of limbo is, not knowing if they got lost or taken by a predator. We even had a yorkshire terrier attacked by a coyote before, yet, despite these gut wrenching and emotionally draining experiences, he still violates the boundary. Considering the lives of my cats are on the line Iād like to think it would be an easy boundary to respect. Not for my dad though. Thankfully Iām now able to regulate my anger and not blow up at him, but at some point something needs to change.
Sorry not sorry for ranting, this has been building for quite some time, it feels good to write down and get off my chest.
Iām grateful for extra pillows in my closet, for a working washer/dryer machine, and for the willingness to ask for help when I need it 
@acromouse Beautiful flowers!!! Iām glad to hear you enjoyed your vacation! 
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Day 166.
Tonight is the big monthly reading. This one has taken a lot out of me, but it has also been one of the most exciting ones. I allowed myself to dream up a perfect event and really have fun with it, and it has been quite an adventure. A little nervous, but feeling mostly prepared and excited. In some ways, my nervous system is already ready for it to be over. These things take a lot out of me.
This morning, Iāve been writing. Trying to start shifting into a higher output routine. Have fun with it. Experiment. Play. But also, get more words on the page. Starting yesterday.
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Happy Friday of the the long weekend! Quick early afternoon check-in. Todayās roses and thorns:
Roses:
- awesome sleep - 2hrs and 9 minutes longer than my 2026 average.
- Lots of fresh coffee
- Made Easter pancakes with my daughter: bunnies, snowmen, and hearts. Perfect.
- Did some crafts with her this morning. Perfect.
- got a load of laundry done and the kitchen tidied this morning.
- Itās a sunny, beautiful late-winter day here
- On the way to my in-lawsā for the afternoon
Thorns:
- zero personal space or time today. having to rush through everything personal, including my shower and making this post.
- the auto-formatting on this app on my phone is atrocious, including new paragraphs every time i hit enter. Sorry for the bad aesthetics of this post. I just canāt.
Peace and love. Enjoy your sober 24.
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Haha i love that!!! āRoses and thornsā!! Thats a unique way of putting itā¦ instead of the āpros and consā or the āgood and the badā.
Sounds like u have been wxtremely busy today!!! Hope u can find some time for urself
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Thank you! @Butterflymoonwoman Enjoy your day! Hopefully some quality time with your son and hubby!
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Checking in, sober and smoke-free. I had a full-day bike trip with my kids and it was great, we all really enjoyed it, I was able to be present and didnāt get distracted. I strongly craved a cigarette by the end, which took me by surprise, but I knew where that would lead, so I didnāt act on it. It wasnāt easy though. But I do think I owe it to myself to try the other option, other than self-destruction.
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Happy Friday!
Day 263 AF
Busy weekend ahead. Just feeling really grateful at the moment.
Hope everyone has a great Easter 
weekend.
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Reese pb browniesā¦YUM! Hope they turned out well, they sound delicious! 
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Checking in 256 days THC free, 8 days MO free and 14 days diet soda free. My church is having a Good Friday service and thereās also Celebrate recovery tonight but tonight I am choosing to relax at home and not feel guilty about it. I worked until 8:30 yesterday evening. I had to go to the grocery store and pick up a few things. By the time I got home, showered and settled in, it was after 9 and I popped up at 4am this morning to be at work by 6am. We get our truck order on Fridayās so it was go, go, go until 2pm and jetteās tired so. Instead of running off to church and then dashing to Celebrate recovery after, I am choosing to stay home and relax instead because I deserve it and I shouldnāt feel guilty about it, even though I do. Iāll work on that though, while I relax!
Edit did I mention that tomorrow is another 6 am day? Yea and CR letās out at 8:30 ish soā¦Iām tired just thinking about it.
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782
Saturday morning coffee in bed. About to head out to view some more rental properties.
Happy Easter to you all 
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Day 1510
I actually had a decent day despite the crappy news I received earlier today.
My son and I baked brownies and then went to Walmart. I picked up the final ingredients for that cake Im baking/decorating for April 12th. And then my son bought a bunch of spider man toys and movies etc. He had so much fun! Hes currently shooting me with this hand held spider man web slime lol Its gross 
But prior to that we watched the Spider man 1 movie drom 2002. We enjoyed it. Now we are just relaxing before I have to put him to bed at 8pm.
There is a new nurse coming tonight (I dont remember if it was this thread or another thread that I mentioed this) but I will have to orientate her tonight. She can work tonight and tomorrow thankfully. Sunday I will have to do on my own and then Monday, I guess I will end up finding out the plan moving forward for what we are going to do for our full time and part time overnight care.
Im grateful that I dont feel AS wound up, AS anxious, or AS worried as I normally would be in this situation. Grateful that Im not acting out in unhealthy ways to cope. Feeling proud about that!
I hope everyones Friday goes well! As well as Easter (for anyone who celebrates). The holidays can be tricky. But this app is just a second away if u need it!
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Checking in on day 43 alcohol free
Today felt rough for some reason. Work wasnāt especially difficult but my emotions felt and feel very heavy. Iām going to get through it sober though.
@Marieke so so sorry for what happened to you today. Iām glad you made it through mostly okay but that sounds really scary and still painful. Hang in there 
@Butterflymoonwoman inspired as always by your resilience. Those brownies sound amazing. I hope you find some good help to take care of your son for the overnights.
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Thank you friend 
I hope that u too get to relax and havd a peaceful evening. Im sorry ur emotions were so heavy today Sending u hugs!!!
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Timers all still intact.
288 no porn, 495 AF, like 195 no weed.
I had a rough day. Sick kiddo. Bossās retirement party, and ex wasnāt helping in the way I wanted her to. Feels like sheās being petty about everything lately. Oh well, not gonna act out over it. If she wants to be that way there isnāt anything Iām gonna do to change it.
Been staying off of videogames for a few days now. That has helped me to get back to sleeping better and that has helped my gym time. Iāve done a lot to get here with my body and am excited to see where I can get in the next year.
Gonna take tomorrow to do some cleaning and maybe even start to pick some colors for painting a couple rooms in my house. Iām gonna aim for a couple walks with the dog and a youtube yoga session since weāre probably still gonna be under the weather. I need to prioritize some creative time too.
Spent some time drawing and reading with the kiddo after movie night tonight. We talked about some things that helped me work towards acceptance with the divorce and his changing his name to incorporate both our last names (which Iām not thrilled about).
I can sit with all this without seeking escape until I can grasp the next right action to take.
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