Checking in
Finally I got my butt off the couch and went for a walk/hike. I’m so grateful that I did, cause I really enjoyed it. Truth be said; my butt is back on the sofa by now…
My friend of 27 years called me and invited me for lunch tomorrow. My first thought was “no, I don’t wanna go”, but I’ll finally be going. Her mom is cooking, she’s an excellent cook. Also they don’t drink, so booze won’t be a topic.
Checking in on day 45 alcohol free
I’m slowly ticking the days back up again. I’m not Christian so today is just a day off for me, but I’m grateful for it. I’m going to see a horror movie in theaters today to relax. It’s going to be a good day. I’m noticing more fluctuations upward in my mood that I haven’t experienced in years and I’m not too sure what to do with that feeling. Heavy on my mind is my therapist’s recommendation to see a counselor with my husband. I’ve told her I just want to leave, but she thinks having a third party involved will help us find closure and allow me to leave safely, which hasn’t happened when I’ve tried before. I don’t feel good about it but I understand her logic and I do want to do this the right way. We’ve been together since I was 15 and he deserves closure. I’m not going to drink over any of it.
I hope everyone is having a peaceful day.
Good morning friends, day 150! Happy Easter!
Have a great day!
Congratumalations on the 90 day streak.
Day 1512
Good morning TS fam! Hows everyone doing? For those that celebrate Easter… Happy Easter 
and I hope the holiday is going well for u all!
Im just at work right now. The day is going well. Its 11am here and I have 5 more hours to go. Once I get home, I have to do laundry, bath my son, and then do the awake overnight shift with him (theres no nurse tonight). Then tomorrow morning I have to speak to the overnight care scheduler about what the plan will be moving forward for staff. Cuz we have no one as of right now that can do the FT or PT shifts. Hopefully we can get some relief staff in to cover some of the nights next week so that I can somewhat function during the day. Im actually anxious about talking to the scheduler tomorrow. Idk why 
Im doing okay tho. Taking life 1 day at a time lol. I started looking up recipes for a healthy morning mini beverage. U can drink 2oz of it a morning to help with metabolism, energy, digestion, immunity etc. The one Im going to start making has green tea, lemon, ginger root, orange, tumeric, and black pepper in it. Should be interesting to try 
Just have to blend it all up and strain it thru a fine mesh strainer. Then store it in the fridge for up to a week (or make icecubes with it).
Have a great day everyone! Lets do this day addiction free!!
This is so very relatable to me . If I had a dollar for every time I’ve done what you have described or went back and deleted a comment minutes after posting it worried I’ll look dumb… well let’s just say I’d have a lot more money right now .
Day 168.
I slept poorly last night. The pup was having the loudest and most intricate dreams… little paws running on nothing, tongue lapping invisible water, barking at figment birds without opening her mouth. I was left awake riding the manic cyclical thought train. Sometimes insomnia can feel a bit like drunkenness. At least for me. Songs play on loop that I can’t shake, moments of recall boomerang and blend together like some strange half-waking memory of semi-associated events and sentences. It creates this nightmarish tapestry of word and image associations that have nowhere to go.
I’ve tried to write out these unnerving dreamscapes before, but they usually just end up as a garble of tangled sentences desperate for translation. A professor asked me to turn in a handful of journal pages recently. “I have a theory about your writing.” He gave me full creative control of what the pages would or would not contain (obviously), but he didn’t want me to edit them at all. A week after handing them in, he called me. “This is your best work yet. It isn’t polished to the ends of the earth. It’s raw and a little bit messy and really rich with unusual imagery. You didn’t write this for anyone but yourself to read.” He said that I often turn in pages so polished, they lose that spark of vibrancy that is often present in first drafts. But for me, sometimes even my first drafts come out a little sterile. Neat. Beginning, middle, end. Good, by all fundamental judgements, but rarely GREAT.
“Don’t hide the messiness. Celebrate it. Lean in. Write with the expectation that no one will ever see it. That’s where the Truth lives.” My next assignment is to write more pages with the same momentum, under the same assumptions, but this time knowing someone will read them. I need to revisit Werner Herzog. Take a look at his “ecstatic truth” and get comfy with people seeing the messy parts of who I am. I’ve done a bang-up job of curating the way I present myself to the world. Maybe it’s time to start tearing down these walls, Mr. Gorbachev.
Checking in here has been a fabulous exercise in brutal (public) honesty. I think it’s the anonymity that has provided that safety to be messy. I think it’s time to start really challenging this need to appear perfect and polished, especially in a career and craft that demands raw and unbridled honesty. I have to give myself permission to explore and play within the deepest corners of all the things that make me human. Then put them in ink and read them aloud.
A-463 C-407 THC-189 N-125
I’m feeling much better today. Yesterday was a good reminder of how attentive I need to be when it comes to my sobriety and how anxiety plays into cravings and urges to say “fuck it”. Complacency is my enemy.
Looking forward to spending time with family today to celebrate my little brothers 26th birthday. No matter how many degrees he racks up, his engagement to a beautiful and kind woman, or the actual fact that he is in his mid-twenties, he will always be my baby brother. I’m very thankful he is in my life. Something to be sure not to take for granted.
I’m grateful for this community, for beautiful weather, and for being sober to enjoy both authentically 
@ceejayboi Congrats on your new fur baby, looking forward to seeing more of Flint once he arrives!
@DanielaJ Thanks for your constant support, today is already much better 
@ICanAndWill Thanks for the reminder that I’m not alone, and for all that you do here on this thread and everywhere else in this community! 
@JasonFisher Thanks for sharing such a raw depiction of such a brutal moment Jason. I appreciate your ability to put it into physical form, I hope it was a cathartic experience for you!
@acromouse That looks a lot like Invaders work! Any idea who’s responsible for such an amazing idea of putting a tile lantern about a light fixture??
@Binx Congrats on your 90 days of sobriety!! 
@BlancheDuBois I appreciate your brutal, public honesty. It’s an inspiration to fight my own perfectionism
Yes u are absolutely right! Complacency is a dangerous spot for people like us to be in. I always think to myself… Addiction never takes a day off, so why should we in recovery. Daily work on our recovery is crucial 
Reminds me of the saying I heard in an AA meeting “while you’re in this meeting, your addiction is doing pushups in the parking lot”. Definitely true, I’m so glad I started posting here on a daily basis
Happy Easter Sunday. 
… my daughter is now at the age where I can cook breakfast, clean the kitchen, and most importantly, use the home gym with her here without her flipping out, or needing my wife if she’s home. ..well until the pee accident and then going to wake my wife up. .. and I’ll be covered in sweat unable to shower for awhile. We’re at least going the right direction…been looking forward to this for a long time.
I hope your sober weekend is going well..
769
Happy Easter to those who celebrate that holiday.. if not happy Sunday!! Hope everyone has a great day or night wherever you are!!
Ps: my parents are going to Scotland for 10 days and I’m very grateful and happy they have gave me the responsibility of taking care of Tucker. We are gonna do so many fun things. It’s Amazing because 2 years ago I wouldn’t have been allowed any where near this house.. let alone take care of there dog for 10 days and have the keys to the house!! A lot can change in 2 years!!! I know there still gonna call multiple times a day but I have to accept that. And there’s probably gonna be some comments made before they leave but I also can’t get upset about that.. gotta find the good in the bad.. just be grateful I’m even allowed to stay here when they go on vacation..
I also really want to build some skateboard ramps in the woods but I’m going to try hard to not do that.. not sure if anyone has seen the mtv show viva la bam but yeah lol.. Don’t want them getting a email from HOA while they are away like wtf is Trevor doing!!!
Heyyyyyyy im glad you reached out
How is everything going along in your journey
Checking in sober and smoke-free. Another okeyish day. I went for a run in the morning and my leg still hurts, and that’s something I’m slowly starting to feel frustrated about. It has been like this for ages, I was sure it would get better eventually, although there isn’t any sign of healing. It’s like with allergy. I have never had allergy, and last year I was sneezing constantly for a month, my eyes were watering and I still keep saying I don’t have allergy, because.. well, I just don’t. That’s not part of my self-image I guess. So I just cannot imagine myself not being able to run, although I don’t even remember what running feels like without pain and feeling my legs super heavy. I keep saying to myself (and to others who are concerned), that it’s ok, and I honestly have no idea why I have this instant, strong resistance against accepting that it’s not.
I absolutely love the place you have got to. I too struggle with perfectionism (though mine is I want to be perfect but I am not able to create things that are fine edges and clean lines be it prose or painting).
Lean in to this activity, let yourself be freer in your expression. I am 100% rooting for you!
258 days THC free, 10 days MO free and 16 days no diet soda. I did indulge yesterday, I bought a bottle of coke that’s made with real cane sugar. It was delicious, still no diet soda though. I made it to two church services today. I visited my old church and got to surprise a couple of friends. I’m heading to a friend’s house for Easter dinner shortly. I’m feeling grateful and blessed today. I’m taking my cat to the vet on Friday. His nose is stuffy and snotty. He’s also sneezing. He desperately needs oral surgery but I’m doing the best that I can to love him and make him comfortable. I’ll see what the vet recommends and what my options are. I’m not stressing about it. Whatever will be, will be. This is my last go around with a cat. It’s emotionally draining trying to keep up with the needs of a rescued animal who already had medical ailments out there. Besides that I’m just taking it easy today. Tomorrow I’ve got the last day with my women’s Bible study group. I have a few assignments to finish but I’ve really enjoyed it. It’s based on Psalm 107. I never realized how much I can relate to that Psalm 
. It is now my favorite. I’m also going to stop being lazy and make myself go to celebrate recovery. I have to get two chips, instead of 1! Happy Resurrection Sunday all!
Day 7 checking in
I had a really good day today. Had a heart to heart wit my partner and started to repair some of the damage done to our relationship in the argument. Things to journal about from that conversation, but in a positive way.
Today I also took time to stop and really reach out for what I want to do. By that I mean listen to my own needs. They are really faint at the moment, like I am hearing them from a long way away. It takes time and each time I am asked what do I want to do, I have to really think about it.
I think this is a really important step for my addiction because I have buried myself under “shoulds” for decades, to the point where I have just coasted along, stealing time here and there for myself or going along with what everyone else wants to do, keen not to make a fuss, to people please. Its so bad I really don’t know who I am beyond that people pleasing. Burying myself meant burying my feelings and I did this with a number of things though most long lasting was PMO.
Today is the first time I have really celebrated getting to a week. I have my small treat planned for tomorrow (buying a magazine) and I feel really proud of myself, even though I have got this far before. I don’t feel quite as much like I am holding my breath and willpowering my way through.
I will keep my guard up. I loved what @Butterflymoonwoman said about addiction, it doesn’t take a day off and I have to be mindful of that.
I wanted to leave this check in with a shout out to @JasonFisher for your great check ins and stunning art. Keep going man! You are so talented and I am grateful that you share your art with us.
Hello everyone, a very quick check in on day 218 .
I will try and catch up on here this week.
This would have been a good photo if Alfie decided to sit still for just a few seconds, he was more interested in looking for tennis balls.
Reset for weed. Not sure how i feel about it. Im kinda numb actually. Booze is still almost 8 months, coke still 8.5+ years
Checking in. Not sober, relapsing in fact. But first day logging in since relapse. Destroyed the commitment to check in for 30 days. Destroyed any semblance of sanity in fact. What a loser.
