@Tragicfarinelli I’m sorry to hear you’ve had so many emotions coming up. A panic attack during spin class sounds awful 
thinking of you as you navigate the feelings. I hope you get some better ones soon.
@ceejayboi can’t wait to meet Nitro officially 
@JasonFisher I so appreciate your contribution to this thread and this site. I’m grateful to have you here and inspired by the strength underlying your sobriety.
Thank you, the panic of not being able to breathe alongside a heart rate of 167 bpm was pretty scary. In working on self regulation. Hugs x
Checking in on day 49
Well, yesterday was a rough one at work. I did not handle it well. I didn’t drink, though the thought definitely came up. I just kinda spiraled out emotionally and went nonverbal at home with my husband. I hate days like that.
I’ve been afraid to bring up going to counseling with my husband since I talked about it in therapy a week ago. I don’t know if he’ll be angry, scared, or sad, but i don’t want any of those for him. I have therapy again today and I’m worried she’ll be disappointed that I haven’t brought it up. It’s long been the opinion of multiple care providers in my life that dissonance in my home is the root of a lot of my mental health issues. So I need to do it. I just feel like…I’m done with the marriage, but I really don’t want to hurt him. Counseling was suggested as a way to get closure and I think it’s a good idea. Definitely not going to drink over any of this (though I’m afraid of what will happen when I’m eventually alone).
I hope everyone is having a peaceful day.
I have been thinking about these questions in the last few days, although it’s triggering. That’s definitely intertwined with physical abuse/lack of emotional support in childhood, the need of ability to escape, the sense of empowerment (in a sense that ‘I can endure anything’), the black-and-white thinking, the avoidance, etc. I might start to unfold that in the near future. Thank you for the thought-provoking questions!
I’m so sorry that they were triggering questions. I would have absolutely accepted: f*** off and none of your business. 
I’m proud of you for being able to identify these things. Hopefully you’ll be able to rescue yourself, be that support you so desperately needed then, and advocate for yourself. Figure out what’s wrong with your leg.
You’re worth that.
Your body is worthy of being respected, loved, and treated kindly.
I hope you’ll be kind to yourself and see the doctor about it.
My alcoholic grandfather (thankfully he died a sober man!) once told me there are only 2 people you should hate in life:
A drunk man when you’re sober, and a sober man when you’re drunk.
Our addictions make us say some of the craziest shit!
Everyone drinks according to your dad!
When I’m sad, I binge watch Frasier and Golden Girls.
When I’m happy, I binge watch Frasier and Golden Girls.
So… those are options too!
Congratulations on your continued sobriety! I’m so proud of you!
It was me, who triggered myself by thinking about that, so it was totally my choice. But I have to admit, my initial gut reaction was the response you just suggested. 
Non drinker. That has a nice ring to it. 
Your grandfather’s saying rings true. Between the years of 2008 and 2018 I DJ’d a nightclub in my hometown and because of my total intolerance to drunk customers I negotiated a free bar as part of my pay agreement, just so that they didn’t annoy me as much. Drunk people can tolerate other drunk people.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you and your little man! That would be an amazing news! 
I would love that for you both! I hope he can get it out 
Checking in
Just a quick check-in before going to bed! I had a stressful day at work, and while I was at work (yet again) the idea of buying booze and cigarettes crossed my mind, cause “I deserved it after a long stressful day”. Bullshit level 2.0.
I wish my mind wouldn’t try to play tricks on me, romanticizing drinking. I finally rode the wave of craving out, and the truth is, it faded after a short while. Once home I kept busy, and did some surveys on the platform im active on. Now I’m watching TV, but my bed is calling! 
I’m grateful I’ll be hitting the pillow sober.
1 Week, 4 Days check in
A heavy day today. Had my first therapy session with a new therapist. It went really well. I had a good honest conversation with my partner. I hope this starts some positive change. I ended up saying no to a lot of things at work. I really struggled today and got to a point where I couldn’t pick up the phone to talk to people. The idea of it made my skin crawl. I just needed space to actually do my job rather than respond to other peoples needs. Its all I seem to do.
I had a good evening. Exhausted now. Going to shower and rest.
I hope everyone had a lovely sober day.
Today’s good! Working, and a couple hours from 5 days (thc) suns shining 
and I feel decent 
This has happened to me in a spin class before and I think it’s due to sensory overwhelm. I do a lot of spin classes and it came from nowhere. Have you tried wearing earplugs? I find they block out some of the noise but I can still hear the instructions and I find it much calmer.
Checking in quick. I did paint for a little bit, I’m proud I got something done. Thought maybe I’d get into it again today, but I’m not feeling that well so we’ll see about tomorrow.
My nurse and I discussed me possibly getting back into IOP, which I would love. I think I need that. But I would still need to work. Hopefully the job would be willing to work with me for the time being.
My family is over for a little bit. It’s nice. I’m in my room but the sound of them downstairs reminds me of old times. I’m gonna join them soon, I just needed time to unwind. Pray everyone is well
Day 1516
Evening check in while baking 
Today has been a busy day. Had a big scare earlier when doing my sons trach change. He was put in a smaller trach for the sleep study last night and then this morning as we were changing it to his normal sized one, it wouldnt go in 
The trach opening got smaller bcuz of the smaller trach. After some time and patience, I got it back in. Had to go thru 3 diff sized trachs to get the normal one in. Phew!
Then during the morning meeting (after his trach change) I had to speak on the issues we were having with our overnight care. I didnt want to talk about it honestly but the Manager from Pediatric Homecare came along for the visit and she brought it up. Im not going to go into all the detail of what was said, but Im just grateful that I can adcovate for my son in a firm but respectful way. Especially after not sleeping well for 2 days and nights.
Afterwards, my son had a Dr appt. So we did that. Went to dollarama for a few things. I made supper and now Im baking 3 10" cake layers for this order thats due this weekend (I will post a pic once its done).
THEN… I have to do the overnight tonight. BUT… we do have someone new being trained this Friday and Saturday! So praying they work out. Im hopeful!
Other than that, I thank my HP alot for just getting me thru each day. For giving me energy when I shouldnt be this energetic lol For giving me a voice to stand up for whats right for my son. God is giving me strength right now that I probably wouldnt normally have with these circumstances. So Im grateful Have a great night everyone!
A-467 C-411 THC-193 N-129
Seems like the weekend can’t get here fast enough. I hate not appreciating the time I have or “living in the now”, but sometimes all I can do is reach for the future, expecting it to somehow make me feel better when it turns from the future to the now. I fully believe expectations are just premeditated disappointments (a slight variation on the traditional “premeditated resentments” ending) and yet, I still create unrealistic expectations that seem to fall flat every time. My mood has been quite foul recently, internally at least. Externally I’m maintaining a semblance of “I’m fine”. I’m thankful I have a solid support system. Having strong pillars beneath me gives me some breathing room without worrying about crumbling down.
I’m grateful for basic utilities, for a roof over my head, and for food and water in my belly 
Checking in day 266. Mars moved into Aries this afternoon. Forging power and clarity. Fully sober, or for me neither will manifest. Access denied, by such casual, seemingly inconsequential choices. Dilemma and delusion. Back to reality: evening walkies with doggo, and then going to join a new gal at her new home group meeting. Past my bedtime, but the socializing will be sustenance. I can sleep in tomorrow.
2498
Today I’m saying goodbye to my therapist who has been with me since October 2020. So for the great part of my re/discovery. Her final gift to me will be a lesson in how to say goodbye. Not just walk away without saying a word. Like I ‘normally’ do. Or did. Thinking of it now, I see goodbyes are another form of confrontation, a form of emotionally charged encounter I always tried to avoid at all costs.
I grew quite a lot in those years but I’m also very much still myself. I feel I could have still benefited from our interaction. But on the other hand I feel I can and I dare to do more exploring within myself and in relationship to others. Don’t need her to hold my hand no more. I feel we could have been friends. But in that case she wouldn’t have been my therapist. Anyway. Forever grateful. The opposite of addiction is connection and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from our contact it is just that.
Picture is my class in 1973. Me behind the teacher I loved so much. Who was my teacher before the man who abused me. She was in a car crash and had to recover for a long time before she returned, after which this pic was taken. I reconnected with the boy in the picture through therapy. Thanks and goodbye Maaike. Forever in my heart.
I’m going to make today as good a day as I possibly can and hope you will all do the same. Sober and clean or nothing will come of it. Much love.
