Awesome work!!!
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Jesus can I ever relate. Financial stuff sucks! Lol i owe quite abit of money too and when it overwhelms me and i feel like using, i think the same thingā¦ that this is what got me here in the 1st place. Another reason not to get high/drunk.
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That sounds like a great idea!!
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Approaching 57 days.
Took the day off work yesterday for illness. Started the day with a great meeting. Helped with some program calls. Got a haircut. Was feeling like a new man.
I had made amends to my parentās about 3 weeks ago. I went to their house to get some drinking water (they have an artesian well). I hadnāt talked to them since the amends. I thought Iād left it ok with them. I told my dad to call me if I could be of service to him. I told my mom that I was there if she needed to talk and that I would make progress in finding a clergy-person to help mediate the issues between my parents and my family.
So I show up with my water jugs and start asking my mom how things are. Sheās icy cold and dismissive. I pry until she finally responds, āYou can quit pretending that you care, get your water and go.ā Then she proceeds to tell me that my amends was bullshit and insincere. She felt that I only made amends because my sponsor told me to. Sheās frustrated that my wife hasnāt contacted them to initiate conversation. It is evident the resentment she feels towards my wife. My mom claims she doesnāt know what she did wrong despite all yhe conversations weāve had about it. Sheās mad that she hasnāt seen my son in weeks. She holds up a picture of him and say, āwhenās the last time I got to see MY BOY?!ā She obviously feels like my wife and I are withholding my son from her. Itās not the case. When we asked them to help they eventually felt like we were taking advantage of them by asking them to watch him too often. My wife and I donāt want to feel like that again.
I responded that it is not my wifeās responsibility to repair the rift. She was the target of numerous intolerant and biased interactions. I told her to look into the hateful emails she sent me and the things I tried to explain to her. I told her to keep her eyes on her side of the street. In my amends I was sure to make it clear that I was not there to discuss the situation between my wife and them. I was only there to right my own wrongs.
To me thereās a lot of codependency and manipulation popping up. She wants what she wants and is laying the guilt on me to get it. In the past qeeks Iāve dealt with a back injury, my wife had the flu for a week, Iāve been sick. Iāve also been digging into my recovery pretty hard. In this whole interaction, I was not perfect. I said some things in anger. But they werenāt cruel or wrong imo.
If youāve read this far, I mean WTF?! I mean, I see now where some of my defects come from. I can accept that I should have remained engaged a little more than I did but it was 3 weeks. Being honest, the relationship doesnāt feel right. Itās in an ugly place and thereās nothing that can be fixed without professional help or neutral mediation. This blew up at the end of last summer and neither side really seems eager for reconciliation. I support my wife, though I feels sheās holding onto some resentment I canāt tell her how or when to let it go.
I do have a meeting with a pastor this week about finding ways to be of service in the community. I will also discuss the possibility of her mediation in a meeting with my parents. My mom already shot down the main person my wife suggested for mediation because this person appears to be losing her mental function according to my mom. It feels like my mom is trying to control outcomes.
If youāre still here, thanks for reading. Just needed to get this off my chest.
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- Today, im feeling more controlled and puppeted by sobriety than I ever was by drugs and alcohol. This isnt a new feeling by any means. Maybe Iām just disillusioned by it. ORā¦Maybe Iām just fucking bored
Edit: I think I need to take a step back from sobriety and stop letting it be so all encompassing. I think Iām focusing on it way too hard right now and putting all my energy into staying sober that Iām neglecting other things. Ai Ai ai
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Sending strength, Mitch. It sounds like a complicated and hard situation. 
serenity prayer the heck out of it. I often say sick manās prayer when Iām struggling with someone, every morning and evening, until I feel myself start to change.
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Gosh Mitch, what a challenging situation. Iād echo much of what @Fargesia_murielae said. Youāve done your part and kept the doors open. Hopefully things change with time. I empathize with some of your situation as it sounds very familiar with my relationship & issues with my MILā¦ she often has a controlling and blameful, spiteful nature. I donāt have much advice but sounds like youāre dealing with it in a good manner. Sending strength 
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Just popped in for a quick lurk ā¦ and had to respond 
Awesome!! 
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Bit late to the party, but YAY Paul!! 4 months!! Your journey is wonderful to follow 
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Mitch, mate. I remember this from last year.
The way you are saying it, you parents donāt want to let go of their side of the problem.
I feel for you buddy. Sending you and your family strength bud.
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Thanks Ariel, youāre right. I do need to put those prayers into action. I see the tool but Iāve been wanting to wallow in my resentments instead. I appreciate the wisdom!
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You did a good thing Mitch; you canāt control anyone elseās feelings.
I tend to be able to move on without guilt; know you did your best from the right place.
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Day 634
When one has had an anxious mind for much of their life, dealt with depression for most of it as well ā how do they know which thoughts and feelings to trust as legitimate and based in reality?
When one feels as though they have completely lost touch with who they are and/or who they wish to be, how do they get back on track?
When one wants to just be someone else, how do they get there?
How does one know they are making the right decisions?
Anyhowā¦blown off therapy for a few months since I felt ok. Now I am going back on Monday. I had felt settled, but alas my restlesness has returned. I know I need to stick to it, even when things are good. I just get so impatient with slow progress, lack of concrete answers, and lack of tangible benefits. Granted I gave up pretty quick this time, despite starting to see some positives.
My entire life has been a mental battle of trying to reconcile my emotions with my hyperlogical/hyperational mind. Itās just constant internal conflict and it is exhausting.
āMan cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptorā
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Thanks @anon12657779 and @Salty! Ugh, I am being a tad selfish in wanting an ideal supportive relationship. Expectations are premeditated resentments. I can dig in on recovery and help those who want it.
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Are those rhetorical questions, Tristan? Not sure where you are with belief in your higher power, but I do have a few ideas from my sponsor that I could share if you want to hear.
Hey Mitch ā non-rhetorical, I think. Iām willing to listen to whatever you have. I get lost trying to answer these myself.
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I never feel like I have much to contribute as far as replying to your posts, but I do get a lot out of reading your struggles and triumphs. I deeply admire your forbearance and capacity to show understanding and self-control in what sound like very difficult, hot situations. I wonder if I could do the same in your situation but conclude I am always going to have no clue without experiencing it first-hand. By your actions I am convinced you are really trying to do all the right things at great personal cost, and though I donāt know whatās in store, I am equally hopeful that this leads to rewarding growth and life experience down the road. I mean, it already sounds like youāve grown a lot just in the past months. You teach and inspire me, so thank you.
In this particular instance, I see you making best efforts to reconcile, guarding healthy boundaries, and accepting things as they are, trying as the situation is. Keep going. Youāre doing your part, and I wish you acceptance for the elements outside of your control. 
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Use the tools, my friend. Wallowing is like sitting in a shitty diaper - although it might seem warm and change is cold and uncomfortable in the short term, you really donāt want to be sitting in that shit for long.
āBless them, change meā
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This sparked some thoughts, but I think Iāll reply to you one-on-one when I have time to get those thoughts organized.
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