I am type A to the core. Like, you don’t even know lolol
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I think I’m type Zzzzzz 
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8:12pm.
I’ve been beat all day. Last night was a tough one at work and a firestorm started immediately that I was left alone to handle on my own due to me giving the go-ahead to a co worker to leave early. Had I not done so, the beginning of my night would have went smoother, however IN doing so I was allowed the opportunity to deal with a situation I would have never been able to prepare for. I also was allowed the opportunity to problem solve in the face of adversity as well as do it in a smooth, calm demeanor. The pressure was something else but I found my mind on point. I knew for me to get thru it, I had to eat an elephant one bite at a time and I did.
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It is my last afternoon here. So I figured I would take the time to share what this experience was like
My first time taking a flight by myself. It seems so silly now but I was extremely nervous. Lol. I legit waited for an anxiety attack that never happened.
Got that free upgrade lolol
Arriving in San Antonio at 10:30pm.
Wasn’t a soul in sight upon getting off. How quickly that changed once i got to baggage. Additionally, I had to wait like 20mjns because my GF is late for EVERYTHING all the time lol. It’s endearing and I love her
We are the most indecisive ppl, I swear. It took most my flight for us to just pick a hotel. So we decided on el Tropicana which wasn’t a bad spot at all.
Seeing how it was a late flight we spent my first night just hanging out in the room
She really is my best friend. We’ve known one another 14 years. Just saying that aloud puts a smile on my face.
I love graffiti hunting…it’s one of my fav things to do. While o wasn’t able to put much time in to searching around I saw some okay things while driving around
Bathroom selfie at cullums attagirl. I highly recommend
And finally. Here.now. at the pool. Trying to catch a tan
It’s been a great five days.
The original plan was just to stay over the weekend, I just couldn’t bring myself to leave her though. So I cancelled my flight home last Sunday and stayed til today.
I’m probably going to cry later on my way to the airport but I’m trying not to get ahead of myself.
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Me and Jenn before we left for the airport
Us trying not to cry as we say goodbye and I begin to make my way thru security
Selfie before boarding
See you all when I land
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I made it safe.
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Ya make a nice couple dude 
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This is great, Silas. Thank you for allowing us to experience a little bit of your adventure.
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I am grateful to have people to share my journey with.
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For the last few days I’ve been harassed by a member here.
As much as I would love to remain apart of this community I have to be mindful of my own welfare.
So I’m going to be taking a step back.
In case you haven’t heard it today
I LOVE YOU AND YOU’RE AWESOME 
Have you flagged/raised it with the mods? Would be great if they could help resolve so you can stick around 
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I’m agreeing with @siand. Running away from a valuable support system should not be our first reaction.
We work really hard to keep TS a safe and welcoming environment. you’re a very important member of our community and would be at a loss if you left.
Can something be done about this?
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Whose kneecaps need a sledge?!
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Looking amazing my lovely friend x
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Your awesome and we love you, please stick around!
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Agreed! Dont let one Moron ruin your experience with the community.
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Ugh. No. This is bullshit. Get your runner’s butt back here.
I do not have a good feeling about this, at all … 
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I’m checking in with y’all. It’s been almost a year…
A lot has transpired.
I don’t know where to start, so I’ll just say I missed you all.
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Thank you!
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It’s so hard to know what to say… what’s important. What’s not important… what is worth the time… what isn’t… so in lieu of having any answers I’ll just stick to what I am good at. The truth…
Here goes…
(Also it’s a long read and may be triggering)
A few weeks after my last posts when I flew back from Texas, things begun to become weird between Jenn and I. She stopped picking up my calls, she would miss them then call me back hours later, or sometimes not at all. After about a week of being put on the back burner my return flight to Texas was coming up. So the week of my flight back down there I am putting in effort to re solidify our plans. I.e my flight arrival time. My hotel reservation. Everything… two days before my flight I call to check in,… nothing. I call again… nothing… I let it go. The day before my flight. Same thing… so, channeling my inner optimist I convince myself that it’s okay. That worst case scenario I’ll spend a few days in San Antonio by myself.
That in mind, departure day arrives. I get to the airport. Hop my flight. Sleep the entire way there. Get off the plane. Call Jenn. No answer. Feeling uneasy, I wait around for like 30MINS before calling again. I call. Nothing…
So I order and Uber and head to my hotel. I arrive at my hotel. I get to the front desk and they have no record of my reservation. I talk with them, show them my confirmation email, nothing. They can’t help me. So I try to book a room, turns out… I’m $10 bucks short. Fucking perfect I think…after all, why would I have needed a few hundred bucks, I was only coming down for a day and a half.
Defeated… I begin walking aimlessly. I call my friends at home, crying… letting them know what is happening and tell them my flight information back, worst case scenario.
After hanging up… I find myself in a bingo parking lot. I sit in the grass behind the building, and all at once EVERYTHING hits me. I’m in a state/city I have only been to once before. I don’t know anyone aside from Jenn. I realize she basically abandoned me and I break down. I cry and cry and cry for over an hour. Eventually, I decide to head back to the airport and see if I can get a flight home. I order an Uber.
When it arrives, I jump in the back, the guy asks how I am and I start crying again. He is polite enough to ask what’s wrong, I tell him the condensed version of what was happening and end it with “bring me to a bar near the airport” as we arrive at a bar he actually joins me for a beer. I think to myself “cool I’m no longer alone.” WRONG!!! Fucking wrong!!
Everything gets a little foggy from this point…
I was drugged, I come to in a hotel room with the Uber driver and some strange woman. So I play it cool and basically just listen to them talk for a few hours. They were shooting meth and were into their conversations with one another. So I just sat quietly and stared at the ceiling. As day breaks, I grab my bag and head out while they were gone to get breakfast.
As I begin walking, I google directions towards the airport… as I begin reading them, PHONE DIES!!
So, realizing I’ve been drugged. Have no idea where I am. My phone is dead and it’s like 100 degrees out I pick a direction and start walking. I notice planes are taking off from one direction so I head that way. After about four hours I make it to the airport! I get in to the terminal. Wash my face and attempt to pull it together. However by that time I’m having auditory hallucinations from lack of water and all the heat and whatever drug was in my system. I hold it together the entire flight which was no easy task. After arriving back in Minneapolis I call my friend. He comes and picks me up. I tell him that something is wrong with me and I am hearing things and that I know it’s not real but I just need to be somewhere I feel safe. So we drive back to his house. We talk for a bit, I eventually calm down and head to bed.
Next day, completely forgot that I was scheduled to work. Knowing that I couldn’t get out of it if I tried I just went in. Shakey, jumpy, sunburned and limping (from all the walking) I work my shift. Somehow I get thru it like a champ. Which I’m astounded by myself.
About a week goes by, I never hear from Jenn till I send her a text that just reads “ whatever the reasoning was, it’s okay. I love you. I just hope your okay” she responds with an excuse that she never got my calls or texts.
I tell her it’s okay and that I just want to move forward. After which, I explain to her the entire story of what happened to me and coldly she tells me “ well you handled it like an adult, do you want a medal”
Fucking. Soul. Crushing.
I laugh it off, and end the conversation. I let a few days go by before reaching out to her and when I do it’s very obvious she’s high on meth. In total and complete relapse.
I ask her if she relapsed, she verbally attacks me. Blocks me on everything and I never hear from her again…
Fast forward two weeks. It’s about the end of November. I start a trauma bonded relationship with a girl I know. We bond over our hurts, our survival and strengths. Everything is good til about March. COVID hits. The world seems to stop. As it does, I begin to flourish! By this point, I made peace in my heart with jenn, Texas and everything else. I also begin challenging myself to 1000 pushups every morning before 6am. I really use the lockdown to my advantage. I find appreciation for my life, my time, my people. My mindset strengthens, I feel unstoppable. Unfortunately my partner K at this time is feeling the exact opposite. We clash over small things, small things turn to bigger things. Bigger things turn to a break up. Break up turns to depression.
I fully allow my depression to take me over. I begin drinking again. For a week straight I drink morning to night. As the fifth day begins I decide to kill myself. I take a Lyft (because fuck Uber) to a hotel. Drink, run a bath and cut the fuck out of my wrist, Palm to middle forearm. I pass out…
My eyes open hours later. In a fog I attempt to get my bearings. I realize I am alive. I realize I’m in a hotel room and I also realize their is blood all over. So not to be an asshole I clean up. Pack up and leave.
My bender continues another week before I decide to spend $1000 hoping from hotel room to hotel room night after night!
To this day, I still don’t really know why I went from hotel to hotel, I was just following this feeling in my stomach. This empty pit, a void calling me to location to location as I met my loneliness in the empty rooms only kept alive by those passing thru.
After the 7th day of room hoping I decide to go home. (In case you’re wondering I wasn’t using drugs) as I arrive I begin to take inventory of my feelings. I journal and share what I’m going thru with a select few. As I begin to let down my defensive walls my internal fire begins to rage within me.
My actions cause the fire in my heart to rage as my conscience floods my inner monologue with everything I didn’t want to hear.
“She abandoned you” “you’re worthless” “no one can love you” “you push everyone away” “you let to many people get close to you” …
All the negative self talk running on repeat.
Hours pass as I sit silently in my bedroom. Then, a quiet whisper in the back of my mind grows in volume
“ you got this…”
The words running across a white board in my minds eye. “You got this” I hop up off my bed and just jump into the 1000 pushups I neglected for weeks. I rep them out, all the while I relive every moment of heart ache I experienced in the last months. Every moment of pain fueling my desire! Tears stream down my face as I repeat to myself over and over aloud, “im better than this… I’m better than this… I’m better than this” as I reach my last push up, I collapse face first into a sweat soaked towel.
Relief washes over me.
Beads of perspiration run down my flesh.
My only thought repeating is “I’m better than this” I eventually get up shower and head to bed.
That was just about two months ago…
Crazy right!?
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