@Twowaymirror: I am glad you met your friend. Like this you realized how fucked up addiction can be. You had it right in front of your face. It’s sad that your friend will not use. But it’s only him that can make the change. And I’m happy for you that you have come such a long way. Well done!
I meant it’s sad that your friend will not stop using…
10:03am
I awoke early to a message from my dad. I have recently begun speaking to him again with some encouragement from someone close to me I care about. It hasn’t been easy. AT ALL! I am well aware that for me to make peace with the past, him and myself I am going to have to go fourth into the dark places of my past and really see the events for what they were, how they were handled and accept whatever it was. As I sit reflecting there are two major instances that I recall vivdly. The first, innocuous as it seems really stuck with me. My dad was drinking one night per usual. He became really frustrated with something that had absolutely nothing to do with me, but in a quick fit of rage he demolished a table by smashing his fists down upon it. I recall feeling shocked, frieghtened, a host of emotions that dissolve down to fear. I was very young and that had been my first experience seeing rage in person. The second experience was a huge escalation to the aforementioned which occurred the following weekend. Long story short his friend owed him money. He didn’t have it so he proceeded to throw this guy around the house. Then asked me to shoot him with my pellet gun. Wtf right!? After that I cut my father off. I stopped going over there to see him. I stopped speaking to him. For all intents and purposes he did not exist.
Before this becomes too circumlocutious, the message my dad sent me was filled with typos and was barley understandable. I’m thankful I was triggered by it. I now get the opportunity to understand that my father was who he was and I might not ever know anything more than that. I have accepted that these two events played a huge role in how I treat my father today but I should be open and forgiving. After all, I would want to be allotted the same opportunity with my children.
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I love this thank you 
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Hugs my friend
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Best wishes!!!
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Thank you. I appreciate that greatly 
5:40am
I started this thread April 9th after I let an ex own space in my head and essentially open up every chink in my armour. Looking back at it and reading the place I was in really allowed me the opportunity to see how far I have come. I have gone thru alot of bad situations and emotional turmoil which is why I never really share anything “happy” because we all know how to get thru the good shit, it’s the bad events , the bad times, the times when we want to give the fuck up and throw in the towel that most of us need help during.
I have made my fair share of mistakes, but it is in those mistakes that I get the opportunity to look back and learn from each one. Self reflection and adaption. Those are the only things I truly know how to do. Which leads me to why i am writing now. Recently, I have struggled with trying to communicate with my father. Him and I have opposite ideas of how to communicate. Then, this morning I realized it is selfish of me to impose my preference of communication on him. If he wants to go back and fourth in short, to the point messages once a week. Then that’s what I will do. I realized I was focusing too much on how I wanted things to be, and not the actual mission at hand, which was to reopen the lines of communication. Having done so, the next step is to meet him half way. After all I would want the same have the positions be reversed.
In case you haven’t heard it today:
You’re awesome & I love you
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Bless your heart. I love the way you think … Your such a lovely person. I hope in time u get what u need from your father xxx
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This I fucking love this I’m so proud of you keep moving forward onward and upward
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Thank you.
As frustrating as it can be, it is teaching me how to be empathetic and understanding toward someone I have a hard time having those emotions towards.
One step at a time.
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Thank you. I’m so proud of you as well. As long as we keep moving forward we will find ourselves where we need to be.
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Agreed Completely
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1:36pm
Back from my run and boy was it fucking awesome! And not at all for the reasons one would think. I wasn’t able to sleep after getting off work this morning. So I showered, enjoyed some silence. Then started rereading one of my favorite books after getting thru the first chapter and doing the activities at the end. I got up and headed on my run. It’s been about a week since my last one. So I knew this was going to feel like day one week one of hell with the additional added bonus of no sleep and physical fatigue.
This entire run was about nothing more than mind over matter. There were about 10 separate moments where I felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore, then that unrelenting voice in my head started to over power the one telling me to quit. It kept repeating over and over. “Why would you quit?” You’re not good enough yet motherfucker" " get after it" " get after it" " get after it" as I just focused on those words and nothing else i found myself a mile from the point where I felt like given in. That’s when a phrase started to run thru my head. “Fatigue is a bitch, but I’m not” which fueled me til I reached the finish line. Once I finally stopped and took in what I just accomplished I had nothing but pride for myself,… Plus I was dripping sweat from every body part profusely which always me happy. Lol.
In case you haven’t heard it today:
YOURE AWESOME & I LOVE YOU
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Get some bro… Way to go!
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8:37pm
I’m just gearing up to leave in an hour. The adjustment period for work has been trying to say the least. Although, it is getting easier by the day the real struggle is keeping my emotions together. My discipline has been lacking in terms of my friends, gf and others i care about. There are no excuses one can make. I just have to be better and that all starts with a choice. The choice to remain disciplined even when my resolve is low. To excerise that discipline in the most difficult of moments and hold the line. Now is the moment that choice is being made.
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Im sure those you care about care about you just as much and understand all that you are going through and the changes you are making! Also, I can bet when they aren’t at their best you are there for them and understanding and empathetic towards them! These people are fortunate to have you keep up the good work
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Thank you so much.
You are definitely my biggest cheerleader and I you for it
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I’m sure they understand starting a new job is stressful. It’ll all work out, don’t be so type A on yourself!
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And you are mine!
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