I don’t know where to start this without rehashing my entire story about my spine and back problems. I don’t have the energy to do that, it’s a story I’ve told more times than I can count and I’m so over it. Long story short, I got a spinal fusion and spinal column shortening that has ultimately caused and created more problems that what it was (supposed to) solve. IMO it has ruined my body, in both appearance and function.
Physical activity was the keystone of my sobriety when I first started trying to quit 13 years ago, and ever since. I’m 36 years old now. Up until the surgery, quite athletic despite back issues. For nearly a year and a half now, I have - at best - stiffness and discomfort, and often actual pain. Everywhere from my mid-spine to my hips. Every single day. My body is 36 but physically and mentally I feel about 80.
Even when I feel good enough to be in the gym like I want, every single gym visit is a threat and uncomfortable. The smallest muscle twinge can set me back. I am meticulous in caring for my body and have been for over a dozen years. I do everything you’re supposed to do as far as stretching, mobility, basic yoga, nutrition, all of it. I have done more imaging, specialist visits, physical therapy than I can tell you about. All while pissing away months of my life at a time, waiting for the next appointment. Waiting for a solution that I’m pretty convinced at this point doesn’t exist.
Over the past few days it’s really flared up on me and I can barely stand up long enough to take myself to the bathroom. I’m probably catastrophizing since I’m in the thick of it, but it’s really the culmination of how things have been for several months now.
I have been strong but chronic pain fucks you up so bad over time. Constant fight-or-flight. It has beaten me up, not just physically but mentally. I feel like I have aged SO much in the past year plus. Chronic pain makes EVERYTHING so much more difficult. It has dominated me. There are pieces of me that have vanished that I don’t feel like I can or will get back. I have no motivation to go do things and spend most of my time home alone. I cannot remember what it feels like to laugh uncontrollably. I don’t get excited about things and can’t remember what that feels like - I can recognize situations where I would normally feel excited, but I don’t actually feel it. I can’t remember what it feels like to feel comfortable and safe in my own body. I get the opposite of that. Carefree? Relaxed? Rested? All left my vocabulary ages ago.
Not to cause alarm, just being truthful and open - I’ve thought about taking a bullet every single day for the past several months, maybe longer. Sometimes it’s a fleeting thing. Sometimes it’s an all day thing. My psychiatrist is aware of this and we’re working on it. Fret not, I am not going anywhere. Not now at least. I don’t have the stones for it, and my dogs need me. Really they are all that has kept me here. I can’t stand the thought of them wondering where their friend went.
I was able to go visit Chicago recently, and while I had persistent discomfort, I was mostly free of actual pain. I am trying to hold onto that but it is not easy. And then when I come home, bam, back in the shit.
I’m 36. I have a long way to go, barring illness, but I cannot live like this. I shouldn’t have to worry about tripping/falling, a sneeze, bumping into a countertop, making a turn in my car, etc. I hate to think about what this looks like in 10 years. Feels like there is nowhere to go but down.
I am glad you vented here. Idk if you have looked into a support group specifically for chronic pain, but perhaps that might be helpful in some way. Sending many gentle caring hugs your way. 
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