Could do with some advice

Thank you so much @Kristy4 @Jftself @Amy30
I so appreciate all your advice and support too, youve all given me alot to think about so im going to mull this over today then come up with a plan to move past this, i cant keep letting this affect me so much because i need to protect my sobriety above anyone and anything, my love to you guys im grateful for you :sparkling_heart:

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I love hearing about your mom and the relationships she is able to have now as a grandma. Parenting is so hard. I wish I had been able to be more present with my kiddos, but alcohol wouldn’t allow me that.

I do think how your brother is acting happens quite a bit in families. You likely won’t be able to understand his thinking, as you are in recovery and acting/thinking like a healthy sober person. Sorry you are going through this. And I hope your brother has some sort of a turnaround or spiritual awakening at some point.

Happy Wednesday, friend!

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Thank you Lee, ive stopped being angry for now…i really dont like being angry its not me, im alot more serene today, i get frustrated that he cant see my worth…what matters is i do, i know my worth, im spending the day at my mothers today with my daughter and 2 neices…they mean the world to me and aslong as i have them in my life then im just grateful for that…if nothing else im grateful to him for that because if he wasnt around then id have never had 2 such amazing neices, the rest i cant control so for now il continue to work on myself and count my 3 most precious blessings…my daughter and neices :heart:

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Bumping this thread to ask what you guys think of this or if i could word it better…my brother and i still havent spoken…he has 2 daughters my neices that im still very close to …i was thinking of sending him this text…

It’s been a while now I just wanted to make a suggestion that however we are with each other, we dont have to be in each others lives etc but we can speak and be civil infront of and where the kids are concerned so that it doesn’t affect them…

What you think?

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I think it cannot hurt to ask. I also just read this piece and thought it might have some suggestions or insights you may find helpful. Good luck and keep us posted!!

How to Set Boundaries With a Difficult Family Member How to Set Boundaries With a Difficult Family Member - The New York Times

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I think this is a very good idea! And it would help him to see how you’ve changed too. By simply communicating when it comes to kids. It’s a good place to start! I hope he agrees to this!
And as always, I’m sending you lots of love and hugs :people_hugging::heart:
I hope you’re having a good day Kelly

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Thank you @SassyRocks and @Scorpn, ive sent it ive not had a reply yet, im at a point of acceptance with where he and i are, i dont hurt over it anymore…its something ive given over to my higher power to help me with while i continue to work on myself, ive always been of the opinion that family are family no matter what and you work things through not turn your back…thats how i operate but that isnt his way and i accept that but then for me ive gotta ask myself would i want him back in my life if it became possible under those sort of rules…all i really want right now is to be civil for my neices…at the moment we are strictly no speaking even if we see each other but id like it where if the children are there we can say hello or if say they are at mine i can take them home and not have to watch them in from a distance etc

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Hes replied saying yes thats fine so thats a positive for today :blush: thanks so much ladies :heart:

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That is great to hear. Baby steps. :heart:

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@Starlight14 Kelly -sorry, it has taken me a minute to catch up on this thread.

It is beautiful to see you working on yourself and protecting your sobriety. We have all done and said things in our drunken / high states that we wish we could take back and yes most likely hurt some along the way. It’s hard to be in your new mindset and have your loved ones still look at you as if you were the “other” version of yourself when you really want them to see and notice the work you are putting in. Good on you for staying the course and keeping up with the WORK. Your brother may not show it but I’m sure he’s aware of the changes.
He does have baby brother syndrome - coddled and babied and now having to deal with the realities of life as an adult. I am not sure why he would choose to make you the scapegoat and do think you should try and stop trying to analyze his feelings - honestly, he may not even know what those feelings are. As you’ve mentioned that you have been through a lot with him and have always shown up for him and forgiven him – could be that he’s afraid of himself and possibly saw himself in you that night or the words you spoke shook him awake. In either case -he has to process this. This can take time and it is not on you. I know that’s easier said than done but try to release your feelings into the energy around you. Keep doing you and things will work out.

YEAH - already a step in the direction to recovery. baby steps my friend :heart: :people_hugging:

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Hi lovely :heart_eyes: im really at a point with him where i feel peace now…im a big believer that at times people come in and out of our lives for a reason…maybe hes not supposed to be in my life for now to give me the space i need to heal and work on myself without distraction, my life is peaceful now…it probably wouldnt be if i was around him, he has his own issues to work on, just today my mother was talking about him and how selfish he is, complaining about him and all the while im thinking im pleased i dont have that to deal with it, my sobriety and mental health come first now, my love to you Jasmine…hope you are well :blush: :heart:

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Oh WOW love - warmed my heart reading this and seeing how far you’ve come and grown. So happy to hear that you have found peace with this and you are so right about

Much love to you my friend. Sobriety and the clarity from it ROCK! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: :heart:

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Ive always put other people first so to put myself as priority still feels a bit alien but im working on it plus when i can see that doing that has a positive affect on my daughter too i know im doing the right thing. I love my brother i always will but for now im happy to make sure things are better for me, my daughter and my neices xx

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When you’ve been putting every one else first for so long it will take time to not feel weird about making yourself number one . So happy that you are working on it - that it’s working for you and that you are seeing the benefits in your daughter and life in general.
:people_hugging:

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And there we have it…just as i was saying about my life being peaceful without him…my mother rang me this morning upset…yesterday we lost my great uncle …my mothers uncle on her dads side…we are all sad about it, after recieving the news yesterday apparently my brother proceded to go get drunk then be utterly horrible to everyone around him because he was upset…mainly my mother who is also greiving but as usual it is all about him :roll_eyes:

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Sweetheart - I am so sorry for the loss of your uncle.

It is good that you have your distance from your brother and can process this from the outside in a manner of speaking.
He needs to find his way into recovery as his actions show that he is not capable of dealing with life in a healthy manner. I’m sorry to hear that he upset your mom during such a time - that’s so fucked up and selfish.
Hopefully when he sobers up and grieves - his wife or your mom can discuss possible steps needed for sobriety? In any case you need to keep working on you and be there for you mom — his journey will be his own.
So sorry for your loss. :people_hugging:

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Thank you Jasmine, he was such a lovely man, we will miss him for sure, he took ill 2 weeks ago then he was taken into hospital…then we found out he had lung cancer with secondaries in his brain…he declined very quickly which i believe is a blessing that he didnt suffer for too long. God bless him.

My brother cant deal with anything because hes been coddled so much hes never had to deal with real life so soon as anything does happen he goes off the rails, ive told my mother he needs to admit he has a problem

aaah love - i’m glad that your uncle did not have to suffer much (cancer is such an evil disease and ive seen the harm it can cause over years for both the person suffering and their loved ones). Being so sudden it does take time to get used to the loss. That in itself can be a shock to the system.

In your brothers case it could be that he was so coddled that he can’t deal with life in general. Hopefully this is not his way to get attention or just live in a ‘whoa is me’ state. In any case hopefully your mom will look at this situation with clearer vision and discuss his “problem” with him.
I’m sure your mother, his girls are all suffering with all of this too so hopefully he will listen and start with the first step of admitting he has a problem.
Sending you love and comfort my friend. :people_hugging: :heart: :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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9 months ago i would have tried to drink my sadness away but it didnt cross my mind this time, im sad but i can feel how much better im handling it while being sober and im proud of that

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YES! I love it - so much progress in 9 months. Im impressed and proud as you should be too.

Life is going to be full of all sorts of obstacles but we can only truly appreciate the “good” when we go through the “bad”

Loads of love my friend :heart: :heart::heart_eyes:

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