I had been sober about a month, and have relapsed a few times the past few weeks. I get really bothered when I’m called out on mistakes I’m well aware of. My sister in law sent me a text this morning and said “not trying to be mean but you were drunk”. She know’s I have taken steps to get better. I wasn’t even mean to her it’s like she just likes to demonize me when I slip.
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So what should she have texted instead? Alcoholism affects more than just the alcoholic. Your family has a right to be upset with you.
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Step away from that and focus 100% on your sobriety. People for some reason love to point out the obvious and somehow that makes them feel better about themselves. I think only some good time under the belt will allow others to trust again. If you really want this, you can have it. I would give her space and the best response might not be any right now. I have dealt with this in my family. But whatever you do, don’t give up. Keeping coming here too. Have you tried AA or SMART? There are a few others too. It’s really hard to do alone. Hang in there 
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A right to be upset because I slipped? I literally wasn’t even being mean…she lives over 100 miles away…She could just tell I was drinking by my voice. She could have maybe offered some support…I’m aware that alcohol affects others. I grew up with an alcoholic parent.
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And were you supportive when they relapsed? Or maybe you were hurt, and upset, and frustrated? I’d imagine your family is all of those things. They might not even know how to be supportive? Have you sat down with them and explained what you need and don’t need? Your sobriety isn’t their responsibility so I wouldn’t ask to much of them.
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My first response I was writing was what English said; my second thought was it was a shitty text from her because perhaps she doesn’t understand what it’s like trying to quit. I’ve been on both sides of that coin; my father was a bad drunk and I got pretty angry with him when he’d come home drunk.
Try to not steep in it too much and move on.
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Thank you I appreciate it. I have looked into AA but of course now I may have to look into an online meeting. I was sober 7 months at the longest. I know I can do it, I just have to learn to cope with stress in a more healthy way. Thanks for your response 
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My dad never stayed sober long enough to relapse. There was no relapse because he didn’t recover until many years later. Or course I was angry when he was mean and verbally abusive, but I have a better understanding of it. My mother is very supportive. I’m open with her when I slip and she motivates me. My sister in law actually loves drama…I love her, but she’s been in the hot seat before for gossiping about my aunt who was trying to get sober. Wasn’t trying to come off as argumentative either. Sorry if it sounded that way.
You’re welcome, something hit me like a ton of bricks this morning but I’m going to research the connection first and PM you if there is any correlation with my epiphany. Online meetings are my jam because I’m very introverted lol. So I think I’m going to try some and maybe recovery dharma too as they have them as well.
I think my longest was like 3.5 years, but I guess I just keep trying to make sure. My biggest hurdle was comparing myself to other alcoholics. So I kind of scroll past “war stories”. Those don’t help me, they just make me go “man, I’m sure as shit not like that!” Until I was 
Hang in there. Time and then some honest conversations will help. I can’t imagine what it’s like for my family, I just know it’s not fair to them. I have never been on the other side of an alcoholic, so it’s a little hard to understand, but I try. They will come around, but are hurt and angry now. Pointing out what we already know may not help us, but it helps them. So I let them have that.
Hang in there and I’m really glad you found us here
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“The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails.”
this is today’s read from one of my daily readers and i really like it. in the past i’d be so furious when my family pointed out all my shortcomings and fuck ups as if i hadn’t realized myself. i wanted them to just understand and accept my addiction and was resentful that they seemed to have a problem with it. but i never thought about what my actions brought to their life. i never thought that even though we weren’t exactly speaking, that they were constantly worried about me. when i look at things from their side today i can see why they came off so inconsiderate and hostile towards me and my constant mistakes, i put them in a shitty position and they had a hard time reacting. truth is, i don’t think there was a way they could have reacted which would have been acceptable to me, i was just a mess and pissed off about everything that wasn’t liquor going down my throat hah. things have been rocky between my family and i for quite some time, they are improving, but i’ve got a lot of ground to make up for my past bullshit. though i’m grateful for the opportunity to do so.
anyhow, glad you’re here on the forum! stay sober and keep working on your recovery and in time your sister in law won’t have shit to say besides how wonderfully you’ve changed
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It is a hard one. Of course they are upset, frustrated, and have a right to express it. You of course, aren’t dumb, and don’t need ur nose rubbing in mistakes. I second @Girlinterrupted that focusing on urself and giving it time are the main things to do. I will point out that when relations stop reacting and just coldly bear relapses it is another kind of pain. When someone is criticising it is because they believe it will cause change (it doesn’t but…). Once they think that change is impossible they give up.
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Criticism is tough. I have had many relapses. Relapse is not failure. It is a behavior trait that we have built in us. We took years building are addictions. We cannot turn it off like a light switch. You are sober today. Take it one day at a time. And mostof the time criticism comes from the ones who care. You are not alone. Try some aa meetings. They are filled with so much knowledge. People helping others not to drink. Your gonna be alright. Sober today. Doesnt matter how much time we have. You are sober today. Take it easy. Google aa daily reflections. Go to the app store on your phone and download the aa book. It’s free. Read the dr opinion and Bill’s story. Their is hope. Take care.
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I appreciate it. I think it’s the hardest to hear when you are mad enough at yourself already and ashamed. Of course we all know too well how much anxiety drinking causes. I guess I’m in the depressed mindset at the moment and have a hard time taking any criticism. I do want to change, not just for everyone around me, but for myself. I feel ridiculous thinking that easing my boredom with alcohol would be a good solution. I know everyone is having a hard time being quarantined etc. I’m still working but my boyfriend is out of town for 6 weeks for work. I guess maybe I’m not making the best of my off days in the house. I don’t have family close by so I guess I’m feeling a bit isolated since I moved here. I know I’m not alone though as many are on the same boat. Thank you for taking the time to respond
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Thank you. I think I need to start going to AA. I think I need to be around more like minded people for sure. I moved away from my hometown about a year ago and haven’t made any sober friends. I think it would be refreshing to spend time with supportive like minded people. Thanks for responding:)
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Thank you you are absolutely right. I do see her point though. I’ve definitely been on the other side
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Welcome. I am glad you are here, and hope you will stay.
Yes, sometimes friends and family can say some hurtful things, which they may or may not have meant to be hurtful. I think a good question is why does it hurt? Is it because their opinion matters, or you expect them to be more lenient with their judgment? Could it be that it stings because it’s true, and they care about you? I can’t know, because I am not them.
What I do know what hurts more: when they stop talking, when they stop saying things. It means they have given up, and are trying to protect themselves from further pain.
I know this because in my final drinking days, my wife didn’t say much. She just had this sad look in her eye. I never want to see that look again, and haven’t had to since I quit.
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Thank you for the welcome. For me it hurts because I know that relapse is a part of recovery. I do love my sister in law dearly…to put it in a nutshell…she’s quite the gossip. I of course have my own faults, but she will be the first person to run and tell my mother…who will only worry. My mother on the other hand is encouraging. I tell her when I slip or relapse and she tells me “tomorrow is a new day, I know you’re trying”. It’s like my sister in law likes to play sober police…it’s like she likes to call me out. I know I’ve made mistakes and drinking is one of them. I’m not in denial and the first one to admit it. I’m also a grown woman (may not always act like it)
. I just feel like she over steps her boundaries. Sorry to go down a rabbit hole. Thanks for your input
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Thank you:)
How do you know this? Is it really a part of recovery, or is it an intentional interruption of recovery?
I often read that “it’s part of recovery”, and told myself that on occasion, but I don’t believe this anymore. My recovery didn’t start, until I could fully accept that I can never take another drink, forever. I think those who hold on to “it’s part of recovery” have yet to embrace the reality of “forever”.
For about a year after I accepted that my drinking had become more than alcohol abuse, but before I accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic and could never drink again, I did the week here or month there with no alcohol, to prove I had “control”. Then I’d do a couple days here or week there, and then “relapse”, kidding myself that I was doing better. It’s part of the process afterall.
I spent the last year of my drinking career grieving over my mother’s death, as if that gave me justification to emotionally check out of my marriage and my responsibilities as a husband and father. I can tell you, without equivocation, that I was in no way recovering during this relapse. I was in a flat spin, headed for rock bottom.
And one morning, I quit drinking. I accepted who and what I had become, and decided I wanted to be better. I accepted that I must say “no” to the drink that matters…the first drink, forever. No relapses. No “maybe just one”. I can tell you that the finality of it all was quite liberating.
Here I am, 859 days sober. I don’t consider myself an alcoholic, recovering or recovered. I won’t drink because I don’t drink. I am a non-drinker, and I will remain so, forever. Why? Because I know I have another relapse in me. I just don’t know if I have another quit in me, and I refuse to test this.
Hope this helps. This war will be won or lost in your mind. I hope you will give some thought to your perspective on relapses.
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