Well it’s been almost 9 months since my last check in, it’s covid times so my therapist is non existent and I need help. So I am reaching out here. I’ll catch up everyone over the past 9 months then get into what brought me here today after so long.
Its been such a whirlwind since my last post, I am currently sitting at 1 year 7 Months and 20 days Sober. I had the chance in March to go on a 37 day 34 State 13,108 mile road trip across the entire country. It was the most amazing thing I have ever done. Yellowstone NP is highly recommended. My fiancee’ birthday is in late June and we came back for that. We were both out of work and just heading up to the lake every chance we got to swim and eat out. It was a great summer but the fear of not getting back to work was real as fuck. We have to pay for the wedding, then the honeymoon and also I was trying to become debt free. We were stressed out and fighting occasionally over dumb shit, just like anyone would in this situation. I got up to 330lbs again and the self hate was real, didnt feel good enough for my fiancée, that lead to insecurities and it wasnt/isnt pleasant.
I got 3 job offers in the same week, this was in October, I took one because it was more money than the others but I probably made the wrong choice because of stability. I am not totally happy there because I’m being scrutinized for the something I have no control over and it’s annoying. I’m in sales if you didn’t read the first posts. It’s a great job and I am going to be able to pay everything I need to for there next 3 months while I’m on probation there. I work a lot and my finance is still out of work, so that is a contention point for us because she wants to work so badly but the hotel industry has been decimated. We have enough money to live provided I am offered a permanent spot at this dealership even without her working, so that isnt an issue. Life has been fairly good for us these past 9 months, I am back on watching what I eat and I am down to 295lbs, which is awesome and I hope to get to my 265 weight of summer 2019 after I first stopped drinking…at least for the wedding, I want to look amazing for her.
Now my issue that brought me here, as you all know I have jealousy and insecurity issues that were gone for a few years until her and I broke up due to my drinking and she had sex with someone else that week we were apart. I also found out a year ago that while we were first getting together, I was one of 6 or 7 guys she was also sleeping with. I lost my shit and that made me feel all sorts of fucked up that I wasnt told about them while it was happening. She had been celibate 3 years before this after her last relationship, and I get it, but to be in the mix, have it all happen in the house we live in and even in the bed still fucks me up to this day. I try to never ask questions about the past because it always leads to a fight, no matter what.
So last night, a trip she took to NC came up and I asked who she went with and she told me his name and it was a guy I never heard she dated before so i was upset after 3 years I had not heard this dudes name like she was hiding him from me for some reason. I thought I knew them all, it just set me in a mood and I said some things I shouldn’t about her slutty/whoring summer we met. It was bedtime and I went to bed alone because she was rightfully pissed at me.
She brought up how badly I disrespected her and I got to thinking shit, I did fuck up, I need to be the one who protects her, not who brings her down. I feel super bad for what I said and how i disrespected her, I certainly dont want her to feel like that because of me. This is a woman I love with all my heart.
So the reason I am in here now is because I need advise, this all happened almost 30 months ago, and I need to move past it, but I cant seem to. Its always in the back of my head. I have never been able to let go of things that bother me, and thats probably a huge part of why I drank…cant bother me if i cant remember it. How do I forgive, How do I let this go before it ruins us? Yes this is more relationship advise and not drinking help, but if she left, I am not sure id make it sober. Seeing my life change for the better with her is a constant reminder of why I am sober.
Advice? Hopefully not TL/DR DMs open for more details also.
Thank you all. Writing this shit out really helps clarify where my heads at.