Currently 4 days sober - My personal check in thread. (CopyPasta from Day 1 Thread)

Your Story
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January 10th:

I have 21 hours sober and hit my first AA meeting last night. My wake up call (this time) was my ex girlfriend leaving me over my drinking. It was a fairly new relationship and things were going amazing, though there were two instances we got in arguments while I was slightly intoxicated and feeling attacked I lashed out and I called her a c***. That was the thing that put her over the edge.

I was in a great place prior to the relationship after being single a long time. My drinking was often and heavy, but always in a party environment, I am heavily into the rave scene and spend many nights dancing under the electric sky. I was happy, truly happy.

I know I have lost her for good which is terrible because I am in love with her and probably will be for the foreseeable future (things were that good…98% of the time). Even if I never hear from her again (which i pray to god I do) I know I need to get a handle on my drinking for me, and that means not drinking at all

I have been through this enough times to know that I cant say I wont have another drink ever again, but I am not going to drink today. My second AA meeting is tonight and I will have more than 24 hours sober. I am going to wait to get my chip until next Thursday nights meeting since because I’ve had 24 hours sober a bunch of times over the past 3 months, I haven’t had 8 days sober since 2012.

I’m 38 years old and have two kids, I don’t want to die soon.

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January 11th:

I got my 24 hour chip tonight, I have never gotten up and gotten in all the other times I’ve walked in the halls. That obviously didn’t work, so I’m trying something different.

I actually really liked this meeting because it was a young peoples meeting. I just vibe better with younger people and i related so much to their stories because I’ve been living it know.

Liquor stores are closed, I made it, so 2 sober night’s going to bed in a row.

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January 11th:

Having a bit of a tough time today. I have been working 68 hours a week with no days off since December 1st. That is what pushed my drinking from 6 days a week to 7. Since the girl left, 7 nights plus 3 shots in the morning before work… I have never had any physical dependency from alcohol, no sweating, shakes, etc if I didnt drink one night. But here I am 2 days and 45 minutes without a drop of alcohol and my back hurts (I am overweight though) I’m absolutely freezing, but iut is 16* outside right now and I am barely eating anything. I am 300 pounds, thats significant IMO. - (End of Physical Rant)

I dont want a drink, I dont even crave one right now, but I am starting to have visions of her having sex with other guys and its destroying my heart, and thats making me anxious and cry and unstable. Night’s are bad, really bad, as thats when i mostly drank. I’m gonna go to another meeting after work today, then I am just going to go home and watch TV I guess. - (End Emotional Rant)

Thanks everyone for letting me vent, chime in with any ideas.

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January 12th:

Everything is tired from it, then adding onto it, i got two teeth pulled on Day 1 and I am in a world of pain still as one did not come out easy. They should also call it breaking teeth out of your fucking jawbone, because there is no pulling involved apparently. I don’t fit in a bathtub, lol, but the idea is nice. I went and saw “Ben is Back” last night in the theater after my meeting, then I went home and crashed.

Today I am just tired again even though I got 9 hours of sleep. I have work until 5pm and then I have a meeting at 7-8. This is a SMART meeting, gonna try everything out because I never really liked AA meetings except for that young peoples one the other day. My stomach feels so bloated and painful and I cant go to the bathroom, im just praying this all ends semi soon so I can just have to deal with the mental aspect of the cravings and not the physical also.

I am glad I am doing this, but I wish I had more support from the people I loved, at least after this I will know who my real friends are.

Sorry for getting long winded, this is really taking a toll on me physically and emotionally.

But I am grateful I am sober Day 3 heading into Day 4.

SIDE NOTE

I am also putting 13.00 a day (I figure I spend 90 a week on buying alcohol, not including going out to drink or Uber’s because I’m drinking) into another account and in a month I will make a lump payment (394.00) to a credit card, to help bring down my debt. I will probably up it another 10 bucks a day to cover going out and Uber’s also for next month making it 697 a month extra I pay.

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So I got out of work at 5pm yesterday and hung around in the parking lot and cleaned out my car a bit. Then I drove to the SMART meeting which started at 7pm, but I got there at 6. I walked into the hospital at 650pm and got to the conference room and it was locked. I was all confused so I pulled out the paper I printed out to make sure I was at the right room. I was at the right room, but it was not Sunday…lmfao. As I was walking back to my car annoyed I figured I’d go see another movie in place just to occupy my time. But when I got back in the car I checked to see if there were any other meetings around me and I found an 8pm in a nearby town.

I am really glad I went to this meeting, it was very small, only 12 people and they were all very welcoming. I even had 4 guys come up to me and talk to me because i spoke for maybe a minute in the meeting and let them know I had 3.5 days. I walked out of that meeting with a lead on another young peoples meeting for Friday nights and two of the guys gave me their numbers. It was pretty cool. I left there feeling good and went over to the movies again. I saw “The Upside” with Kevin Hart and Bryan Cranston, great movie btw.

I was in bed by 1230, asleep by 2 and up for work at 11am.

Day 4 wasnt so bad.

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Love reading your stories. Thank you for sharing. Keep you the amazing work. AA saved my life. Glad your finding help there too.

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Things have been crazy since I left here, I am still alcohol free, 42 days and counting. I have lost 21 pounds just from losing the alcohol, currently sitting at 279. I am back with the girlfriend, though the day after I stopped posting here she invited me over to talk and she told me she had slept with someone the week I was not week her. That pretty much destroyed me, I was mad as I knew we were apart and she didn’t cheat but it was very heartbreaking regardless, and still is now. It’s gotten easier day by day to deal with, but it was in her house, in her bed and now I basically live there again, so it’s all a lot to take in. As odd as this sounds, the not drinking has been the easiest part of the past 35 days.

I have gotten away from the meetings the past couple weeks, and I know I should get back sooner rather than later, I am just so damn tired from work and everything else. One thing I have found very helpful is downloading YouTube videos of funny AA shares, then putting them on my phone to listen to in the car if I am stressed out or wanting a drink. It has certainly been helpful when i didn’t want to drive to a meeting or whatever.

Not being hungover everyday for work is pretty damn cool, that’s really the best part of this, i can’t wait to see how this feels when I actually get more than 4 hours of sleep a night also. My girlfriend said she likes me better sober, which is weird to hear because my life is definitely boring as fuck now compared to how it was before. I havent been to a rave or festival since I have been sober but I have tickets to a show on March 6th. My rave squad is going but I also have a friend who agreed to go with me sober, so if I need to walk away or get stressed I have that support covered.

That’s all I have for now, i have to get back to work, but I will be back more often now that things are slowing down a bit.

Thanks for reading and for all the DM’s of support

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I know you may want a relationship to help distract your time but is horrible in early recovery. I think you need to take more time off to figure the new you out and what keeps you sober. The first time u argue or things dont work out and she cheats again. Then your gonna be left alone with no relationship or support leading to relapsing. Hope things work out for ya…

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I appreciate the words, and normally I would agree with you, but this was already going on for 7 months prior to my getting sober, just not in an official capacity. She didn’t cheat either, which is the only reason I can try again, though admittedly it seemed like a betrayal even though we weren’t together.

If that does happen, then I will lean on the people I met in AA so far and get more involved. I have a good support system for talking/chatting/checking in, I just need more sober people to hang out with.
Thank you for the well wishes and I appreciate the advice.

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As long as you have a plan in place of support you should be fine just take things slow no need to rush when we have the rest of our lives to live. Mistakes are always made upon impulse decisions. I can understand the betrayal. I took 6 months off to get myself together and my ex ended up pregnant and still using. I was kind of disapointed in the life she choose but that was her choice and does hold some responsibility. As long as you can push thru that fact and forgive you will be able to move on… Unfortunately i was unable to…Think of it more as a reset and let bye gones be bye gones…

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I relapsed somewhere around day 70. That last run lasted about 2 weeks, things got pretty bad. I had flown with my girlfriend, father, brother and sisters to Michigan for my grandmother’s funeral. The night before her service I went out to a bar and we partied pretty much all night.

Apparently I got so intoxicated that I could not walk and barely function. While attempting to get me out of the car my girlfriend inadvertently began taking a video because she was holding my phone. Then she got me out of the car and I began walking and stumbling and falling trying to get to the hotel front door. She then realized she was videoing me and continued to do so consciously.

The next day I barely made it to my grandmother’s service. Everyone knew I was still drunk from the night before. I was embarrassed and sad all in one moment, i hadn’t seen the videos yet and I didnt know about them.

That night as I was sobering up my girlfriend had given me an ultimatum, it was either her or the drinking. At that moment I knew I’d choose her but I didnt know why this was it for her. This is when she told me about the videos and she asked me to watch them. I said no initially, but after a while in that hotel room I wanted to see why this was happening.

I wat hed the videos and had a profound sadness and disgust. I couldnt believe that it was me on the tapes, I was so embarrassed and I didnt know how to react. I wanted to crawl into a closet and cry.

That video really had an impact and i believe that was my rock bottom. I sit here stressed out and wanting to drink which is why I’m writing this update now, to remember why i needed to stop drinking.

I have 84 days alcohol free as of 34 minutes ago. I am grateful for those days and look forward to day 85.

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Maybe think about giving those guys from as who gave you they’re numbers a call and find out when the next meetings are. It seems you built up a rapport. Just a thought :slightly_smiling_face:

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90 days alcohol free today! I couldnt be more happy and proud.

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Congratulations! That’s great!

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I has been a long time coming, seems way longer actually but in 90 minutes I will have 180 days without a drop of alcohol.

I started a new job in August and I’ve thrown myself into my work to make money. Being in sales, the more I work, the more I make. This has been helpful in my recovery. I work 45+ hours a week and dont really have time for anything else besides sleep and hanging with the girl at night. I pulled away from the rave scene because I dont really trust myself yet. Last year I was going to the club 3 or 4 times a week and I hit 5 out of state multi day music festivals in 2018. This year i went to one show back in March and havent gone since. My friends have accepted me pulling back though I really dont see them anymore.

I’ve been to Cancun, Maine and Washington DC for vacation since quitting drinking and I have a 7 day cruise coming up in January to the Western Carribean. Life really has been much better since all this began, it’s pretty cool not oversleeping for work or being hung over every day. I’ve also lost almost 50 pounds without changing my diet at all.

The below pic is from 11 months ago when I was drinking every day.l and weighed 315 pounds. The other pic is from August and I weighed 265 pounds.

If i can make it this far after 20 years of continuous drinking, then anyone can.

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This is so awesome!!! I love this thread with your journey. Keep rockin it.

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Thanks for the update. I’m glad your doing well. Sober looks good on you

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I am almost at the 11 month mark, but I feel like I could fail any day. Some updates and backstory first. I went on a cruise with my girlfriend mid January and I proposed in St. Thomas. The second to last day of our trip I found out that the car dealership I work at was bought by another automotive group. We got home January 19th and things were already starting to get strained because of this new development at work. I have been a ball of stress every single day since I got that text on our crusie. I went through the buy/sell and I was about 3 weeks into working for the new company when I was told my position was being eliminated and moved out of state, this was March 5th. I was off work for a week and had 2 interviews that week and they went super well. Things seemed to be looking up and then this damn virus hit and my fiancee was furloughed at work last Thursday (4 days ago). We have been together every waking second for the last 4 days and shes now in the bedroom trying to stay away from me and she is going to her moms tomorrow to avoid me.

I’ve always had issues with insecurity, jealousy and feelings that I’m not good enough for anyone. These were masked a lot by my binge drinking. Drinking made everything go away for the night until I was sober again. It turned into a viscous cycle that brought nothing good to my life except the feelings were gone for a night.

Thise 3 things are the only reasons we fight, 95% of the time things are very good but I’m stating to get worse as we spend all this time coupled up and we are both stressed because we are out of work.

I need to find coping mechanisms to deal with these feelings so I dont sabotage this marriage before it even starts. Not being able to provide for our family is making me feel more insecure and it’s not making it easy on her and I dont know how to let go and have faith. I’m not gonna drink, but I feel like I’m losing what little sanity and stability I have. I dont know why I tie myself being a good man or good boyfriend into my ability to provide. It may sound draconian or sexist, but I must have some sort of feeling thar as a man I should be always able to support my family. Not being able to do so makes me feel like I’m not worthy and that she’d be happier without me or that she’ll begin looking for that man.

I just dont want to hurt myself or her anymore because of these feelings. Typing it all out helps a bit, so that’s why I have this thread.

This is by far the hardest thing for me about quitting drinking. Dealing with my fucked up thoughts without alcohol.

Thanks for reading.

Day 330

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I think it’s completely normal to feel like you do, not working and providing for you and your lady. I’m old fashioned like that.
You know deep down you’ll be back on track eventually, it’s the mean time that sucks. You’re doing all the right things.
Hang in there bud.:blush:

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Well it’s been almost 9 months since my last check in, it’s covid times so my therapist is non existent and I need help. So I am reaching out here. I’ll catch up everyone over the past 9 months then get into what brought me here today after so long.

Its been such a whirlwind since my last post, I am currently sitting at 1 year 7 Months and 20 days Sober. I had the chance in March to go on a 37 day 34 State 13,108 mile road trip across the entire country. It was the most amazing thing I have ever done. Yellowstone NP is highly recommended. My fiancee’ birthday is in late June and we came back for that. We were both out of work and just heading up to the lake every chance we got to swim and eat out. It was a great summer but the fear of not getting back to work was real as fuck. We have to pay for the wedding, then the honeymoon and also I was trying to become debt free. We were stressed out and fighting occasionally over dumb shit, just like anyone would in this situation. I got up to 330lbs again and the self hate was real, didnt feel good enough for my fiancée, that lead to insecurities and it wasnt/isnt pleasant.

I got 3 job offers in the same week, this was in October, I took one because it was more money than the others but I probably made the wrong choice because of stability. I am not totally happy there because I’m being scrutinized for the something I have no control over and it’s annoying. I’m in sales if you didn’t read the first posts. It’s a great job and I am going to be able to pay everything I need to for there next 3 months while I’m on probation there. I work a lot and my finance is still out of work, so that is a contention point for us because she wants to work so badly but the hotel industry has been decimated. We have enough money to live provided I am offered a permanent spot at this dealership even without her working, so that isnt an issue. Life has been fairly good for us these past 9 months, I am back on watching what I eat and I am down to 295lbs, which is awesome and I hope to get to my 265 weight of summer 2019 after I first stopped drinking…at least for the wedding, I want to look amazing for her.

Now my issue that brought me here, as you all know I have jealousy and insecurity issues that were gone for a few years until her and I broke up due to my drinking and she had sex with someone else that week we were apart. I also found out a year ago that while we were first getting together, I was one of 6 or 7 guys she was also sleeping with. I lost my shit and that made me feel all sorts of fucked up that I wasnt told about them while it was happening. She had been celibate 3 years before this after her last relationship, and I get it, but to be in the mix, have it all happen in the house we live in and even in the bed still fucks me up to this day. I try to never ask questions about the past because it always leads to a fight, no matter what.

So last night, a trip she took to NC came up and I asked who she went with and she told me his name and it was a guy I never heard she dated before so i was upset after 3 years I had not heard this dudes name like she was hiding him from me for some reason. I thought I knew them all, it just set me in a mood and I said some things I shouldn’t about her slutty/whoring summer we met. It was bedtime and I went to bed alone because she was rightfully pissed at me.

She brought up how badly I disrespected her and I got to thinking shit, I did fuck up, I need to be the one who protects her, not who brings her down. I feel super bad for what I said and how i disrespected her, I certainly dont want her to feel like that because of me. This is a woman I love with all my heart.

So the reason I am in here now is because I need advise, this all happened almost 30 months ago, and I need to move past it, but I cant seem to. Its always in the back of my head. I have never been able to let go of things that bother me, and thats probably a huge part of why I drank…cant bother me if i cant remember it. How do I forgive, How do I let this go before it ruins us? Yes this is more relationship advise and not drinking help, but if she left, I am not sure id make it sober. Seeing my life change for the better with her is a constant reminder of why I am sober.

Advice? Hopefully not TL/DR DMs open for more details also.

Thank you all. Writing this shit out really helps clarify where my heads at.