I’ve really made a mess of things lately… I went almost a decade without my demons, but over the past few years they have been slowly finding their ways into my life.
Now I can barely go a few days without indulging in both of them.
Obviously I’ve tried many times to stop, but it’s not easy. Not when I don’t really see the consequences of what I’m doing. After all, it really only hurts me, right? My wife appreciates my honestly and doesn’t mind if I please myself when she doesn’t feel up to it, so what’s the harm?
But it’s not about that… That’s not my only concern.
I’m a father now. God gave me two good boys who look up to me, and when I let the demons in, I’m less of a father for them, I start become something different - I’m harsh, mean, impatient, and cold.
I need to change for them. I need to slay my demons and keep them away for good… But how? How do I fight this when it’s been so long since I’ve carried that weight? It’s been so long since I’ve resisted… How do I even know I can do it again?
I need to try…
Here’s day one.
Welcome to the fray. Walking the path alongside you. Were you working a program when you had some success?
Glad you’re here. I’m also a porn and masturbation addict. Currently halfway to 5 days sober. I’ve found lots of support from the guys who have already responded to you, and the TS community as a whole. For myself, I’ve been making a conscious effort to be grateful for the people in my life. I’ve set up boundaries like a porn blocker on my phone, being mindful of my lustful thoughts and trying to not let myself get carried away, and being conscientious of why I want alone time. I hope to see you around here more often. This is a great place that can offer lots of support. Welcome, @BeardedSandMan.
No program, just massive amounts of self loathing and personal shame whenever I’d mess up. Add a strong belief in God and my determination to keep right with him, and I stayed reasonably clean even though that door was never fully closed.
I’m going to encourage that reaching out for help goes a long way.
Going it alone depending solely on my willpower ends up in disaster for me.
A 12 step meeting, for instance, will increase my chances of success.
Even a plan to check in daily on TS, does a lot.
Recommending that you consider stepping up your game. I really want you to succeed.
I’ve tried the meetings and I’ve tried professional therapy - neither were for me. Internet blockers and safe search are also ineffective because I can always either simply turn them off or find a way around them. Eventually I had to learn that the only true control is self control. If I want to beat my demons, it’s got to come from inside
Day one is behind me, and it wasn’t without it’s struggles.
My wife and I have been… Let’s just say we’re going through a hard time. And when we’re having hard times, the urge to give into temptation is harder to fight.
I want to be numb, I don’t want to have to worry anymore or stress or feel. Ironically, I’m staying away from porn and masturbation so that I CAN feel again.
I know my wife and I will pull through, we always do, and I know that as my recovery turns into multiple days, weeks, and eventually months, my resolve well strengthen over time. But for right now, im just glad I’m trying again.
Here’s day two.
Triggering right now… Wife and I just had a hard talk, and I’m expecting another one tonight. Whenever I’m feeling down, I always turn to my demons who offer me comfort. But I want lasting happiness, and so I choose to be sober.
Continuing day two.
Hey man. It’s good that you know your triggers because that means you can start planning your responses when the triggers arise. If your demons are like mine, they are lying to you about comfort. Sure you may feel good while in the act, but the aftermath is full of regret and self shame. You’re on the right track, you know your why for staying sober. That is huge. Your “how” is also important, make sure you’re making that plan too.
Today has been super crazy - there was a fatal accident involving the train so I was very late to the office, reports that are normally done by one of my coworkers were delayed because they had a dentist appointment so I unexpectedly had to pick up the slack where they left off. After an intense research meeting, I was finally able to sit down and get some work done before 6 o’clock rolled around. Now I’m on the way home and I’m exhausted. Needless to say, I haven’t had time for my demons so day three is going along smoothly so far.
This is day three.
Tracking with you. Keep at it brother. One day at a time and never crave alone.
Morning brothers,
Last night was a tough one. My wife works the night shift at a local cookie bakery and leaves me at home with the sleeping kids until 2 in the morning. Sometimes, that’s when my demons work on me the most.
Before I went to bed I did great - I ate some dinner, played some games and watched a few episodes of my show, and went to bed around midnight.
About an hour and a half later I woke up to a pretty aggressive rain storm and had to get up to shut the window. As I laid in bed listening to the rain pound against the front of the house, I started worrying about my wife out there in the storm. I grabbed my phone with the intention of texting her when I was hit with the urge to look up porn to settle my nerves. I opened the Google search and closed it a number of times and argued with my demons about why I’m choosing to stay sober. Finally I chose to text my wife and let her know I was thinking about her and for her to be safe. I then put my phone down and rolled off to sleep just as I heard my wife arriving home - safe from the storm.
Small successes brothers.
This, is day four.
Can I suggest some digital blocks? They can always be disabled sure, but they afford some needed seconds of clarity.
I struggle with this as well. Its not easy dealing with these things and being a female. For me it got bad when I was doing meth. My already high sex drive went through the roof. I’d masturbate and watch porn for hours. My gf at the time knew and didn’t really care. I started masturbating when I was about 12 or 13. I enjoyed it so I did it often. I’m sober now but still indulge. Not as often as I used to. It seems that self pleasure and porn go hand in hand for me. I haven’t done it in a few days. I’d like to get to a point where I can masturbate without it.
I’ve tried those before, they tend to take personal accountability and choice out of the equation for me. I truly believe that the only real control is self control which is really what all of this is about. I’ve lost control because of my demons. But the only way to fight them - truly fight them - is with my bare hands.
Porn is definitely toxic, and to an extent masturbation can be too. But if it’s something you and your partner both agree on, and she doesn’t have a problem with it, is hard to say no. For me personally, I like the idea of relying totally on my wife, but sometimes that’s not possible for various reasons. Because of this, I’m not as strict on the masturbation sobriety as I am the porn. HOWEVER, I still want to try. I believe the more control I have over my demons, the more aware and spiritual I become as a person. Thank you for your comments!
The gf I have right now lives in another state. The long distance thing is tough. I know she’s worth it though. She doesn’t have an issue with the masturbation or the porn. Porn isn’t for her though and that’s fine. I’ll be moving next year to be closer to her. I’m sure I’ll masturbate less once that happens. We talk about it pretty freely. She admits to masturbating regularly too. There’s something that doesn’t feel right about the porn. Its something that I’d like to stop all together. I don’t know why it’s become an issue with me. I’m hoping its not an issue in my relationship after I move. I think that whatever need that porn appears to be fulfilled will then be fulfilled by my gf.
Congratulations on making it through the night and battling your demons successfully. I know how much will power it takes when they attack. I’ve been thinking about your comment where you mentioned that a porn blocker on your phone removes choice and personal accountability from the equation. I think I understand this because I believed my will power has gotten me through my battles with drugs and alcohol. At the same time, when I decided to quit snorting cocaine I had to remove myself from all aspects of having access to the drug. I didn’t keep company with the guys I used with. I threw out my dealer’s phone number. I made a clean break. For me, my PMO addiction is many times harder to kick that my cocaine habit was. My demons attack me from every direction. They lie and they tell me that I don’t really have a problem. It can’t be bad if it feels this good. They taunt me with billboards to strip joints and adult videos shops only a few miles from where I live. The enemy has done its job and has created an environment of a constant barragement of lust to overwhelm my senses. But in my personal space at home, I can control what I allow the enemy to hit me with. I don’t see a porn blocker as admitting that I don’t have the will power or strength to beat the demons on my own. I see it as using every weapon in my arsenal to fight my demons. For me, this is not a battle, it is a war.
I can completely relate with what @Zero_X is saying.
I may have enough clarity to say no for some time.
But all it takes for me is that 1 minute of unclarity. It may not happen for months or even years, but when it happens, I’m caught off guard and I’ll end up using if porn is within arms reach.
Making my home safe is a way of saying yes to my new life. Every time I feel inconvenienced by the boundaries I’ve set in my life, it reminds me of the choices that I’ve made to live my life better.